My sister married a muslim, need help

[Pandora]

Hello

I really need some advice on how to help my sister. She married a muslim man about 8 months ago and since then she has really changed.

I'm not talking about things like wearing a hijab, or praying, which she explained are standard things, I mean that she doesn't smile anymore, she doesn't laugh anymore, she barely has anytime for me (she is my twin so I really feel cut off from her now).

I know he is hitting her, I have seen bruises on her, but when I tried to help her, she told me he had a right to hit her. Is this true? he himself told me that it was none of my business and that Islamically he could hit her if needed.

My sister is a good person, she has always been spiritual, quiet and kind. why would hitting her be needed?

He never lets her out anymore to see me, both our parents died when we were young so we only have each other, and he refuses to let her spend anytime with me because I am a kaffir as he put it.

I feel like religion has seperated me from my own family, and to be honest it hurts.

How can I help her, she is allowing him to completely crush her spirit, and I feel as if I have a duty to help her. Is there anything in your religion that I could use to show her hsuband that he can't hit her, and that he can't stop her from seeing me just for being a non muslim?

Any help or advice would be greatly apprieciated.

[Al-ghurabah]

no he cant hit her.. he must treat her well and good. look after her.. not beat her up.. ask her to seek help and knwoledge

[angel*]

Mmmm why is ur sister putting up with him?? If hez a muslim he shuld know hitting 1'z wife is not allowed *shakeshead* myb sum can provide u with hadith or sumthing so that u can show him.

[nami]

I suggest you tell your sister to go an talk to a learned alim as hitting the wife is not allowed. only the slightest tap is allowed and only in the extremest situation.

When your sister realises that her husband is not allowed to do (islamically) what he is doing, we can then go to the next step from there. First thing is first, she needs to realise that he is VERY VERY wrong! As it sounds like she is just accepting everything and anything her husband tells her about islam even if it is a lie...

[Pandora]

I advised her to go to a mosque, which is the equivalent of a church to you guys right? and speak to the priest? there, but again he doesn't let her go anywhere.

I found a muslim women's domestic violence helpline, which is why I was sure that he wasn't allowed to hit her, otherwise why would you run centres to help? well that's how I see it anyway.

Where can she see an alim?

Oh and thanks for the quick responses.

ps...what do you mean by a tap and only when needed?

[Pandora]

Mmmm why is ur sister putting up with him?? If hez a muslim he shuld know hitting 1'z wife is not allowed *shakeshead* myb sum can provide u with hadith or sumthing so that u can show him.

Hi angel, I asked my sister and she said he had proven to her using books and stuff that he can hit her, and because she wants to be a good muslim (she converted before she met and married him) she is allowing it.

I want so much to shake her and wake her up.:crying:

[Neurostyler]

No tap is ever needed. Striking someone is akin to admitting you can't negotiate, and if you can't negotiate with someone- you walk away.

[Fais]

Hi angel, I asked my sister and she said he had proven to her using books and stuff that he can hit her, and because she wants to be a good muslim (she converted before she met and married him) she is allowing it.

I want so much to shake her and wake her up.:crying:

:smack: ..

Why dont she divorce him?

[nami]

I advised her to go to a mosque, which is the equivalent of a church to you guys right? and speak to the priest? there, but again he doesn't let her go anywhere.

I found a muslim women's domestic violence helpline, which is why I was sure that he wasn't allowed to hit her, otherwise why would you run centres to help? well that's how I see it anyway.

Where can she see an alim?

Oh and thanks for the quick responses.

ps...what do you mean by a tap and only when needed?

in that case, you can go to the mosque (masjid) yourself and speak to an alim/imaam/mufti. if you don't want to do that, try to find your nearest masjid and get their phone number and tell them what's going on over the phone.

but the helpline you found is probably the best thing to do. what if your sister does not let them in if they come over? which is why you need to get your sister to realise that hitting is not allowed.

about the tapping, click here (http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthread.php?t=115784&highlight=beating).

[Radiohead]

No tap is ever needed. Striking someone is akin to admitting you can't negotiate, and if you can't negotiate with someone- you walk away.

I agree.

I feel deeply for you Pandora - it's a terrible situation to be in for the both of you. I have my doubts as to whether any intervention from a religious scholar would help but it's worth a try; IMO, in a physically abusive marriage the best thing to do is cut free.

I would ask around to find out if there are any Muslim imams or community leaders who may be sympathetic and will be able to advise a course of action. Failing that, you have to attempt to talk about the issue directly with your sister and let her know exactly how you feel and how much it hurts that you to see her beaten and the unhappiness you feel due to the fact that you dont communicate as much anymore. Does she feel bad about that as well?

If your sister continues to be hit after this then try and get her to contact a charity or organisation that deals with domestic abuse and take their advice on how to proceed.

Personally I have nothing but contempt for anyone who tries to stop a revert from associating with close relatives on the basis that they are non-Muslim - especially when this paticular individual has the gall to beat his wife. Talk about a screwed up moral code.

[Pandora]

:smack: ..

Why dont she divorce him?

Because she wants to be a good muslim, that's what she tells me. I don't understand it either, I personally wouldn't allow any man to hit me, no matter how well he explained his reasons for doing so.

I feel like since she became a muslim she has become less and less capable at being an independent individual. Not that I am saying that muslim women are not capable, the lady who taught my sister and helped her convert is a very strong and independent woman, lovely lady she was.

I just mean that I feel that's when it changed, not the label, just the time frame.

[sis_niqabi]

salam

tell your sister that the way he is treating her is not islamic. and she has the right to divorce him. no muslims woman has to put up with such oppression. Allah commands muslim men to treat their wives with kindness and love. not oppression and beating

[Chained_Water]

This sounds really worrying. What kind of guy would do this especially to a new Muslim, he is testing her faith severely with his mistreatment :( ..He should be looking after her not causing her harm.

The prophet(saw) said do not hit the maidservants of Allah, he said the best of you are those who are best to their wives, he said to treat women with kindness, that men are to be the protectors and maintainers of women, and when it came to violence he said would you beat your wife like an animal and then sleep with her at night? expressing his revulsion against such behaviour, he set the example of never raising a finger to his own wives. The Quran allows striking with the equivalent of a miswak as a last resort if the wife is behaving in a lewd or unfaithful manner and the marriage is on the brink of collapse, first the husband is told to discuss the issue and then refuse to share his bed, and then finally he may strike her (bearing in mind all thats already been said about not beating or being violent, it is obvious this does not refer to giving her a whack around and hurting her) as a sign of how severe matters are and how he feels this is approaching breaking point. Again this is the extreme case where the marriage is in real disharmony. And the Quran says that if the wife stops the lewd/unfaithful behaviour after that , the husband should not annoy her afterwards in any way.

The prophet(saw) was once angered by his servant who was late in coming to him when he needed something and ignored his call to do something else and he told her "If I didn't fear exaction on the Day of Judgement, I would make you sore with my toothstick" ..and how much damage can being struck with a miswak (type of twig used as toothbrush) cause? Definately not the kind your sister is suffering.. especially as it has specifically been said by the scholars that the husband must not hit in a way that would harm or leave bruises.

He also should not prevent her from going to the mosque, that is not even allowed, Umar(ra) did not like his wife going late at night for the night prayer, but even he did not forbid his wife as the prophet(saw) said not to prevent women going to the mosque.

And the wife also has the right to see her family.

He is really being out of order, and she has the right to have family or a wali (guardian) to protect her and speak to him on her behalf. It is really dangerous for her to be cut off from any help or other people.

Did she appoint a wali when she got married? Is there any other Muslim elder or someone she can have speak to him?

You say she has always been quiet, I hope she isn't letting herself be completely walked all over by him and just taking it, because this will not be good for her state of mind.

Speak to her about all this and reassure her you are there for her, try and get her other Muslims who can help her too and make sure she is aware that she is NOT trapped in any way. If things are solvable with her husband, then solve them, but if they aren't she shouldn't feel like leaving him would be leaving her religion or that she is failing by leaving him. Bottom line she should not have to put up with physical or any other kind of abuse from her husband, and being Muslim does not compel her to.

[Neurostyler]

in that case, you can go to the mosque (masjid) yourself and speak to an alim/imaam/mufti. if you don't want to do that, try to find your nearest masjid and get their phone number and tell them what's going on over the phone.

but the helpline you found is probably the best thing to do. what if your sister does not let them in if they come over? which is why you need to get your sister to realise that hitting is not allowed.

about the tapping, click here (http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthread.php?t=115784&highlight=beating).

This 'tap' business seems very patronising. The assumption is that the man will always know what is best for his wife, and is her coercer should she decide to use the free will she is assumed to have. It all seems similar to treatment of a naughty child and is symbolically or not, rather humiliating. How love can be fostered in this awkward balance of relationship power, I'm not sure.

[Fais]

Hi angel, I asked my sister and she said he had proven to her using books and stuff that he can hit her, and because she wants to be a good muslim (she converted before she met and married him) she is allowing it.

I want so much to shake her and wake her up.:crying:

And he can hit her, but with conditions ... He cant make her bruise, cant hit her face, cant make her bleed, cant brake any bones, Cant leave a mark on her ... Which dont leave you down to much.

You can tap them with the siwak and also heard that you can roll up a cloth and tap them with that ...

[nami]

Because she wants to be a good muslim, that's what she tells me. I don't understand it either, I personally wouldn't allow any man to hit me, no matter how well he explained his reasons for doing so.

I feel like since she became a muslim she has become less and less capable at being an independent individual. Not that I am saying that muslim women are not capable, the lady who taught my sister and helped her convert is a very strong and independent woman, lovely lady she was.

I just mean that I feel that's when it changed, not the label, just the time frame.

can you not contact this lady and get her to get intouch with your sister, so she can tell your sister that what her husband is doing is completely unislamic.

[Pandora]

in that case, you can go to the mosque (masjid) yourself and speak to an alim/imaam/mufti. if you don't want to do that, try to find your nearest masjid and get their phone number and tell them what's going on over the phone.

but the helpline you found is probably the best thing to do. what if your sister does not let them in if they come over? which is why you need to get your sister to realise that hitting is not allowed.

about the tapping, click here (http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthread.php?t=115784&highlight=beating).

Oh, do you think I should print that off and show it to him?

But thank you, your right I will go to the mosque myself and ask there.

As long as my sister believes that he is allowed, she will continue to allow it.

[sis_niqabi]

salam

here is a fatwa

Her husband beats her severely

Question:
I am a 22 year old Muslim born female in in America
I have been married to my husband
I married him because I thought that he was a good Muslim brother who cared about spreading ISlam and helping to raise the Kalimah of Allah -swt- by helping Muslims
I wanted to break off the marriage when we were still engaged about 4 years ago because he was saying mean things to me, hurting my feelings, and emotionally abusive.
But he promised that after we got married he would be nice to me and that his harshness was the result of him having a bad job. Since Muslims are supposed to keep their promises, I believed and trusted him, and agreed to marry him.
Since being married, he has gotten worse and has been physically abusive, even punching me and choking me.
My parents finally found out about 8 months ago. I left him to my parents house at that time for a few weeks. They convinced me that i should give him another chance because any other man i would marry would probably be even worse. They say that all of the other divorced women end up with worse husbands and situations.
He came back apologizing and promising to change his ways of saying hurtful things, being picky, and to stop the abuse. The agreemant was that I would go back to him to see if he really has changed.
After going back to him, he only changed for a short while.
He has been verbally and emotionally abusive. He has been physically abusive to a small degree. He has pushed me lightly and smacked me lightly. Since this is how his abuse started when we first got married from light to harder and harder, I decided a couple of months later that he has not changed and told my parents that.

Answer:
Praise be to Allaah.

We ask Allaah to help you cope with the calamities that have befallen you, and to grant you the reward of those who are patient, for He is Most Generous, Most Kind.

The husband should realize that he is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock. Allaah has enjoined upon him to treat them in a good and proper manner and to treat his family kindly. Our Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The best of you is the one who is best towards his wife, and I am the best of you towards my wives.” (Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 3895; Ibn Maajah, 1977; classed as saheeh by Shaykh al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami, 3314). Part of that good and kind treatment means not beating one’s wife in a severe manner and not insukting or cursing her. He should realize that this is a violation of the trust with which Allaah has entrusted him.

We have heard that many people have a hard time finding a job by which they may earn their livelihood, and that it may take a long time to find a suitable job. We have heard that many of these people oppress their wives and beat them, as if they are the cause of what is happening to them. It is as if they use this situation to justify their abhorrent actions. These men have to fear Allaah and to realize that they are the ones who are most in need of obeying Allaah and keeping away from haraam things; they should not commit sins then justify that for themselves.

The Muslim has to realize that he is in the world of trials and tests, so he must adorn himself with patience in bearing all the things that happen to him in this life. He should turn to Allaah by praying to Him to relieve him of the disasters that have befallen him, for He is the One Who relieves worry and distress, and Who answers the prayer of the one who has been wronged, may He be glorified and praised. Nothing is hidden from Him and there is nothing that He is unable to do in the heavens or on earth, to Him be praise in the beginning and at the end.

He is the most generous of those who are generous, and His slave does not seek to draw close to Him but He is even swifter in drawing close to His slave. Al-Bukhaari (6856) and Muslim (4832) narrated in their Saheehs that Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Allaah says: ‘I am as My slave thinks I am. I am with him when he makes mention of Me. If he makes mention of Me to himself, I make mention of him to Myself; and if he makes mention of Me in an assembly, I make mention of him in an assembly better than it. And if he draws near to Me a hand’s span, I draw near to him an arm’s length; and if he draws near to Me an arm’s length, I draw near to him a fathom’s length. And if he comes to Me walking, I go to him at speed.’”

In your case, my sister, Allaah is testing you by means of a man whose behaviour and attitude are bad. Based on what has been mentioned in the question, it is permissible for you to ask for a divorce (this is what is called khula’), because living with this man and anyone like him is something that is unbearable. Perhaps Allaah will compensate you with someone better than this man. If you cannot find another husband, then staying without a husband in your parents’ house, where you will be cared for and respected, will be better for you than staying with this man, so long as you do not fear that you will be tempted or will fall into haraam things. But if you fear that you may be tempted, then being patient and bearing worldly troubles by staying with this man will be better for you than having to bear the punishment of Allaah.

The reasons for which it is permissible for a woman to seek divorce (khula’) from her husband are mentioned in Question 1859 on this site.

And Allaah knows best.

Islam Q&A
Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid

http://islam-qa.com/index.php?ref=13803&ln=eng&txt=wife%20beating

[Chained_Water]

This 'tap' business seems very patronising. The assumption is that the man will always know what is best for his wife, and is her coercer should she decide to use the free will she is assumed to have. It all seems similar to treatment of a naughty child and is symbolically or not rather humiliating. How love can be fostered in this awkward balance of relationship power, I'm not sure.
Bear in mind the prophet(saw) never did this. It is what is the allowed at the maximum, when the marriage is in dire need to change and only in the case when the wife is being unfaithful or severely disobedient islamically, and the last resort. It is symbolic, it is to show how bad the relationship has got and this is the last straw. It is not to let out your anger and give your wife a good old beating. That is NOT Islamic behaviour or allowed. The prophet(saw) said "Do not get angry, do not get angry, do not get angry." he said if you are angry stand still, if you still feel angry, sit down, if you still feel angry, lie down.. or go and do wudhu.. this is to calm the person down so they don't do wrong in anger. In the middle of a war Ali(ra) overpowered of the enemy and just before he was about to kill him the dude spat at Ali(ra) in the face, so Ali(ra) stopped and left him to fight elsewhere. When asked why he did this when he was just about to kill him, he said he feared it would be out of anger or for revenge rather than for the sake of Allah in a war in defence of the Muslims. So the whole idea of acting out in anger, even against you enemy, is not how it should be.. so with your wife it is obviously not allowed.

[nami]

This 'tap' business seems very patronising. The assumption is that the man will always know what is best for his wife, and is her coercer should she decide to use the free will she is assumed to have. It all seems similar to treatment of a naughty child and is symbolically or not, rather humiliating. How love can be fostered in this awkward balance of relationship power, I'm not sure.

you're thinking of it completely wrong. if you want you can start a new topic about this. but this thread should stay to the point as a muslim sister is getting beaten, and discussing when "tapping" is or is not allowed, is a waste of time in this thread.

[Radiohead]

This 'tap' business seems very patronising. The assumption is that the man will always know what is best for his wife, and is her coercer should she decide to use the free will she is assumed to have. It all seems similar to treatment of a naughty child and is symbolically or not, rather humiliating. How love can be fostered in this awkward balance of relationship power, I'm not sure.

Once again I agree. A married couple have an argument - one asserts his point by rolling up some cloth and striking the other lightly with it. Frankly, Id think that individual was deranged - he should be divorced on account of his sheer stupidity.

Pandora - go to the mosque or contact that sister that taught your sister about Islaam, as Nami said. But be prepared to take it further and dont give up hope - ask your sister maybe to do her own research on Islam's view of domestic violence. You'll find good resources online Im sure.

[sis_niqabi]

As long as my sister believes that he is allowed, she will continue to allow it.

then in this case her staying with her husband might not be for religious issues. many women that are abused (muslims and non-muslim alike) believe that their husbands are doing no wrong and they always give excuses on why their spouses hit them. this is a psychological issue. and less of an religious issue.

[Pandora]

Wow, thank you all for so many quick and informative replies, I really feel like I can actually do something to help now.

Honestly this morning it seemed so hopeless, but from what you have all told me I should be able to help her see right. :)

The muslim lady who helped her become a muslim is not with us anymore, she passed away just after my sister was married, she helped with the wedding arrangements, truly lovely lady.

[Chained_Water]

Wow, thank you all for so many quick and informative replies, I really feel like I can actually do something to help now.

Honestly this morning it seemed so hopeless, but from what you have all told me I should be able to help her see right. :)

The muslim lady who helped her become a muslim is not with us anymore, she passed away just after my sister was married, she helped with the wedding arrangements, truly lovely lady.

May Allah(swt) reward her with jannah for helping your sister.

But are there any other Muslims who could help out too? Because if her husband is the only Muslim influence she has in her life and he is this controlling and so on, it may be difficult for you to get through to her without another Muslim voice on your side.

Whereabouts in the UK are you, maybe someone here can recommend a good mosque in your city?

[Radiohead]

Wow, thank you all for so many quick and informative replies, I really feel like I can actually do something to help now.

Honestly this morning it seemed so hopeless, but from what you have all told me I should be able to help her see right. :)

The muslim lady who helped her become a muslim is not with us anymore, she passed away just after my sister was married, she helped with the wedding arrangements, truly lovely lady.

innalillah - Im sory to hear about the sister.

Make a list of all your options and you'll feel good for knowing that the situation is far from hopeless - the very best of luck :up:

[Neurostyler]

Bear in mind the prophet(saw) never did this. It is what is the allowed at the maximum, when the marriage is in dire need to change and only in the case when the wife is being unfaithful or severely disobedient islamically, and the last resort. It is symbolic, it is to show how bad the relationship has got and this is the last straw. It is not to let out your anger and give your wife a good old beating. That is NOT Islamic behaviour or allowed. The prophet(saw) said "Do not get angry, do not get angry, do not get angry." he said if you are angry stand still, if you still feel angry, sit down, if you still feel angry, lie down.. or go and do wudhu.. this is to calm the person down so they don't do wrong in anger. In the middle of a war Ali(ra) overpowered of the enemy and just before he was about to kill him the dude spat at Ali(ra) in the face, so Ali(ra) stopped and left him to fight elsewhere. When asked why he did this when he was just about to kill him, he said he feared it would be out of anger or for revenge rather than for the sake of Allah in a war in defence of the Muslims. So the whole idea of acting out in anger, even against you enemy, is not how it should be.. so with your wife it is obviously not allowed.


But doesn't it remind you of a schoolteacher asking a child to put out his or her wrists after he/she has done something naughty.

'have you learnt your lesson?'

In the context of the Western world, that is certainly what it reminds me of.

It's a demonstration of who has the upper hand. If a wife is unfaithful or lewd then that should be her choice. It is through discussion that conclusions can be made.

[nami]

Oh, do you think I should print that off and show it to him?

But thank you, your right I will go to the mosque myself and ask there.

As long as my sister believes that he is allowed, she will continue to allow it.

exactly, get her to understand the truth, then get someone to knock some sense into the husband. i don't literally mean "knock", i mean teach him about islam as it seems he doesn't know much unfortunately, or maybe he missed the class about how to treat a wife with respect, kindness, honour, and love?

if he still continues after you or someone else has proved to him how wrong he is, then your sister might need to take it up a notch.

[Chained_Water]

But doesn't it remind you of a schoolteacher asking a child to put out his or her wrists after he/she has done something naughty.

'have you learnt your lesson?'

In the context of the Western world, that is certainly what it reminds me of.

It's a demonstration of who has the upper hand. If a wife is unfaithful or lewd then that should be her choice. It is through discussion that conclusions can be made.
Discussion is the first route, then refusing to share your bed, then striking. Obviously if things have got that far you are not in a normal healthy relationship, and if the wife is being lewd of unfaithful then striking her with the equivalent of a toothpick is not much in comparison. Yes it is unpleasant, that is the point, it should make her realise this is the last straw and reflect on how she is behaving. And if nothing changes then obviously divorce is inevitable next.

It is not about who has an upper hand, it is about what the marriage has come to.

In normal circumstances the marriage would not be like that, it would be about love, compassion and mercy, companionship.. and if you look at the prophet(saw)'s relationship with his wives you will see that it was certainly not a schoolteacher/school child dynamic!

You need to have a fuller picture and background knowledge before passing a judgement on one verse or one aspect, because otherwise your conclusions do not reflect the relaity of what Islam teaches and promotes and you end up doing that this poor sisters husband is doing, or judging Islam negatively.

We are not meant to pick bits and bobs in isolation and try to make our own amateur interpretations with no background knowledge and without considering all the other relevant teachings, that would be nonsensical and obviously not reflect how the prophet(saw) lived or how his rightly guided companions lived.

[Neurostyler]

Discussion is the first route, then refusing to share your bed, then striking. Obviously if things have got that far you are not in a normal healthy relationship, and if the wife is being lewd of unfaithful then striking her with the equivalent of a toothpick is not much in comparison. Yes it is unpleasant, that is the point, it should make her realise this is the last straw and reflect on how she is behaving. And if nothing changes then obviously divorce is inevitable next.

It is not about who has an upper hand, it is about what the marriage has come to.

In normal circumstances the marriage would not be like that, it would be about love, compassion and mercy, companionship.. and if you look at the prophet(saw)'s relationship with his wives you will see that it was certainly not a schoolteacher/school child dynamic!

You need to have a fuller picture and background knowledge before passing a judgement on one verse or one aspect, because otherwise your conclusions do not reflect the relaity of what Islam teaches and promotes.

So then, I take it that the 'tapping' works both ways? a wife can use this method against her husband if he is being unfaithful and lewd in order to show him what the marriage has come to?

Also: thinking about this logically- what would be the likelihood of a woman who is so 'wild' allowing her husband to do this to her? Would he have to force this action upon her?

[Pandora]

salam

here is a fatwa

Her husband beats her severely

Question:
I am a 22 year old Muslim born female in in America
I have been married to my husband
I married him because I thought that he was a good Muslim brother who cared about spreading ISlam and helping to raise the Kalimah of Allah -swt- by helping Muslims
I wanted to break off the marriage when we were still engaged about 4 years ago because he was saying mean things to me, hurting my feelings, and emotionally abusive.
But he promised that after we got married he would be nice to me and that his harshness was the result of him having a bad job. Since Muslims are supposed to keep their promises, I believed and trusted him, and agreed to marry him.
Since being married, he has gotten worse and has been physically abusive, even punching me and choking me.
My parents finally found out about 8 months ago. I left him to my parents house at that time for a few weeks. They convinced me that i should give him another chance because any other man i would marry would probably be even worse. They say that all of the other divorced women end up with worse husbands and situations.
He came back apologizing and promising to change his ways of saying hurtful things, being picky, and to stop the abuse. The agreemant was that I would go back to him to see if he really has changed.
After going back to him, he only changed for a short while.
He has been verbally and emotionally abusive. He has been physically abusive to a small degree. He has pushed me lightly and smacked me lightly. Since this is how his abuse started when we first got married from light to harder and harder, I decided a couple of months later that he has not changed and told my parents that.

Answer:
Praise be to Allaah.

We ask Allaah to help you cope with the calamities that have befallen you, and to grant you the reward of those who are patient, for He is Most Generous, Most Kind.

The husband should realize that he is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock. Allaah has enjoined upon him to treat them in a good and proper manner and to treat his family kindly. Our Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The best of you is the one who is best towards his wife, and I am the best of you towards my wives.” (Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 3895; Ibn Maajah, 1977; classed as saheeh by Shaykh al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami, 3314). Part of that good and kind treatment means not beating one’s wife in a severe manner and not insukting or cursing her. He should realize that this is a violation of the trust with which Allaah has entrusted him.

We have heard that many people have a hard time finding a job by which they may earn their livelihood, and that it may take a long time to find a suitable job. We have heard that many of these people oppress their wives and beat them, as if they are the cause of what is happening to them. It is as if they use this situation to justify their abhorrent actions. These men have to fear Allaah and to realize that they are the ones who are most in need of obeying Allaah and keeping away from haraam things; they should not commit sins then justify that for themselves.

The Muslim has to realize that he is in the world of trials and tests, so he must adorn himself with patience in bearing all the things that happen to him in this life. He should turn to Allaah by praying to Him to relieve him of the disasters that have befallen him, for He is the One Who relieves worry and distress, and Who answers the prayer of the one who has been wronged, may He be glorified and praised. Nothing is hidden from Him and there is nothing that He is unable to do in the heavens or on earth, to Him be praise in the beginning and at the end.

He is the most generous of those who are generous, and His slave does not seek to draw close to Him but He is even swifter in drawing close to His slave. Al-Bukhaari (6856) and Muslim (4832) narrated in their Saheehs that Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Allaah says: ‘I am as My slave thinks I am. I am with him when he makes mention of Me. If he makes mention of Me to himself, I make mention of him to Myself; and if he makes mention of Me in an assembly, I make mention of him in an assembly better than it. And if he draws near to Me a hand’s span, I draw near to him an arm’s length; and if he draws near to Me an arm’s length, I draw near to him a fathom’s length. And if he comes to Me walking, I go to him at speed.’”

In your case, my sister, Allaah is testing you by means of a man whose behaviour and attitude are bad. Based on what has been mentioned in the question, it is permissible for you to ask for a divorce (this is what is called khula’), because living with this man and anyone like him is something that is unbearable. Perhaps Allaah will compensate you with someone better than this man. If you cannot find another husband, then staying without a husband in your parents’ house, where you will be cared for and respected, will be better for you than staying with this man, so long as you do not fear that you will be tempted or will fall into haraam things. But if you fear that you may be tempted, then being patient and bearing worldly troubles by staying with this man will be better for you than having to bear the punishment of Allaah.

The reasons for which it is permissible for a woman to seek divorce (khula’) from her husband are mentioned in Question 1859 on this site.

And Allaah knows best.

Islam Q&A
Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid

http://islam-qa.com/index.php?ref=13803&ln=eng&txt=wife%20beating

Thank you for that , I am definately printing this one off for her to read. It almost sounds like my sisters case, he doesn't just tap her, he abuses her so badly, and then won't let her see me for being a non muslim.

I don't want my sister to end up associating this spiritual path she has chosen as a bad one, my sister needs her faith after losing our parents, and at the start she was so happy as a muslim, nothing like what she has become now.

I should have mentioned she is 6 months pregnant, can she still divorce him through that Khula thing. He told her that even if she left him she needs to understand that for her to be a good muslim she would need to give him the baby to raise, and I think this scares her more than anything else.

[nami]

Oh, do you think I should print that off and show it to him?

But thank you, your right I will go to the mosque myself and ask there.

As long as my sister believes that he is allowed, she will continue to allow it.

you can do. but you might want to do further research on the whole thing yourself so you understand it and "a must" get your sister to understand. preferably by getting a learned islamic teacher (imaam/mufti/scholar) to teach your sister and her husband.

only reason i am suggesting that you do research into this too, is because the husband might come out with some "so called" loop hole which he might try to exploit. so the more you know the better your chances of helping. :)

p.s. sorry to hear about your sisters teacher. Ina lillah wa ina ilayhi raji'oon

[Chained_Water]

So then, I take it that the 'tapping' works both ways? a wife can use this method against her husband if he is being unfaithful and lewd in order to show him what the marriage has come to?

Also: thinking about this logically- what would be the likelihood of a woman who is so 'wild' allowing her husband to do this to her? Would he have to force this action upon her?
The Islamic family dynamic is one such that the husband is the amir or leader of the household, this is not equivalent of the school teacher example, more equivalent to a project manager ananology. And no I don't believe it would be allowed the other way, but the wife would have grounds for divorce, and the husband can take upto four wives so it should ideally not be an issue the other way around.

The action wouldn't require much force would it? It's not a forceful action, it just requires physical proximity enough to do it. Again it's not like it HAS to be done, but if you think your wife would be taken aback by it and it would make reality hit her and see how bad things are, then it's worth a last try before taking it towards divorce.

[Pandora]

Whereabouts in the UK are you, maybe someone here can recommend a good mosque in your city?


I am in London, my sister used to attend Regents park mosque when she first converted, but stopped because her husband doesn't let her, and also because he said something about them not being proper muslims or something.

He is very strict, he is from Yemen. I don't actually know that much about how different sects work, so don't understand much of what she passes on to me.

[Pandora]

Oh, what is a Wali, someone mentioned it on the first page?

[Chained_Water]

Thank you for that , I am definately printing this one off for her to read. It almost sounds like my sisters case, he doesn't just tap her, he abuses her so badly, and then won't let her see me for being a non muslim.

I don't want my sister to end up associating this spiritual path she has chosen as a bad one, my sister needs her faith after losing our parents, and at the start she was so happy as a muslim, nothing like what she has become now.

I should have mentioned she is 6 months pregnant, can she still divorce him through that Khula thing. He told her that even if she left him she needs to understand that for her to be a good muslim she would need to give him the baby to raise, and I think this scares her more than anything else.

Oh dear God... may Allah(swt) give her strength.

The pregnancy makes this a much much more complicated issue on so many levels.

Here is a ruling on child custody:

Child Custody After Divorce
Answered by Sidi Talal al-Azem

http://www.sunnipath.com/images/Q_Image.jpgI have read somewhere that in case of a divorce, the mother gets custody of the children, she has custody of a male child until the age of 9 and of a female child until the girl gets married. The exception to the rule is if the mother remarries, than the father gets custody of the children. Please clarify. http://www.sunnipath.com/images/A_Image.jpg
http://www.sunnipath.com/images/bism01.jpg
In the name of Allah, Most Beneficent, Most Merciful. All praise is due to Allah the Lord of the worlds. And peace and blessings be upon our master Muhammad, his folk, and his companions.
1. Under normal circumstances, according to the Hanafi madhhab, the mother (or, if she remarries or dies, the maternal grandmother, then the paternal grandmother) gets legal custody of

a male child until the child is capable of taking care of his own basic bodily functions & needs (eating, dressing, cleaning himself), which, for legal purposes, may be approximated at seven (7) years of age, [Quduri; Qudri Pasha, article 494]
and legal custody of a female child until she reaches puberty, which, for legal purposes, may begin at the age of nine (9) years, or any point thereafter, up until the age of fifteen (15). [Quduri; Qudri Pasha, articles 494 & 495] Thereafter, in each case, legal custody of the child is transferred to the father. [Quduri]
The scholars explain that the reason for this is that, in the early years, the mother (and each of the grandmothers) is more apt to raise the young child (regardless of sex) with mercy, full attention, and motherly care, in addition to inculcating the female child at this age with feminine traits and character; after the above-delineated respective ages, the father is more capable of inculcating the male child with masculine traits and character, and protecting the female child.
2. After the transferal of legal custody from the mother to the father, the boy remains under the legal custody of the father until puberty (maturity), at which point, if he is mature and wise, he is free to choose with whom to live, or to live on his own. As for the girl, legal custody remains with the father until she marries, for the above mentioned reasons. [Qudri Pasha, articles 498 & 499]
3. If the mother remarries other than the father (or dies) during her rightful period of legal custody, the legal custody is transferred to the maternal grandmother, and after her, the paternal grandmother; if she also remarries or dies, it is transferred to the next relative, as ordered in the attachment below. [Quduri]
The scholars explain that the reason for this is that when the mother remarries, her responsibilities and duties towards the new husband may busy her from properly tending to her children, as the new husband may not feel responsible towards his new wife’s children; thus, the child is transferred to the next of the maternal women-folk who are able to properly care for and nurture the young child.
4. The primary distinction between any relative and the mother or grandmother, is that, under the legal custody of a relative (other than a grandmother), when the female child reaches the age at which she is apt to begin to show signs of physical attractiveness (which, for legal purposes, may be approximated at (9) years of age), legal custody is transferred to the father, regardless whether the girl has reached puberty or not. [Quduri]
The scholars also explain that, in the case of custody of a relative other than the mother (or grandmother), the legal custody of the girl is transferred to the father as he is normally more meticulous in ensuring her safety and moral up-rightness, and in order that other relatives do not use the child as a servant to work for them for merely their own personal benefit.
5. All of this, of course, is if the matter is taken to the courts, or both parents want custody of the child. There is no harm, however, in different living arrangements being made if the parents, grandmothers and other women-folk who have right to custody after the mother do not object and amiably agree thereto.
6. All of the above mentioned is based on the assumption that the mother and father are morally upright people; if not, other rulings would apply.
7. There are also other conditions and rulings which deal with visitation rights, custody during illness of the child, lack of wisdom in a post-pubescent child, etc., which are outside the scope of the question, and would need to be checked by anyone who desires to apply these rulings in their lives.
Other madhhabs: The position mentioned by the questioner, in which legal custody of the female child remains with the mother until marriage, is apparently the position of the Maliki madhhab; in the Shafi’i madhhab, until puberty (maturity), in which case she is free to choose with which of the parents to live; in the Hanbali madhhab, it is transferred to the father upon the girl’s reaching puberty (maturity). Each position should be checked by teachers of that madhhab.
For further details, and for the source-texts for most of the above, I have attached “The Book of Child Care and Custody (Hadana)” from the Mukhtasar of Quduri, with explanation of some of the text by the 19th century Syrian Hanafi scholar, ‘Abd al-Ghani al-Ghunaymi al-Midani, taken from his al-Lubab fi Sharh al-Kitab, (symbolized as “M”). Comments made by teacher of fiqh, Sh. Khaled al-Kharsa, are symbolized as “K”.
And Allah knows best.
Talal Al-Azem

[far-hana]

Hello

I really need some advice on how to help my sister. She married a muslim man about 8 months ago and since then she has really changed.

I'm not talking about things like wearing a hijab, or praying, which she explained are standard things, I mean that she doesn't smile anymore, she doesn't laugh anymore, she barely has anytime for me (she is my twin so I really feel cut off from her now).

I know he is hitting her, I have seen bruises on her, but when I tried to help her, she told me he had a right to hit her. Is this true? he himself told me that it was none of my business and that Islamically he could hit her if needed.

My sister is a good person, she has always been spiritual, quiet and kind. why would hitting her be needed?

He never lets her out anymore to see me, both our parents died when we were young so we only have each other, and he refuses to let her spend anytime with me because I am a kaffir as he put it.

I feel like religion has seperated me from my own family, and to be honest it hurts.

How can I help her, she is allowing him to completely crush her spirit, and I feel as if I have a duty to help her. Is there anything in your religion that I could use to show her hsuband that he can't hit her, and that he can't stop her from seeing me just for being a non muslim?

Any help or advice would be greatly apprieciated.


The evidence that it is permissible to discipline one's wife includes the aayahs (interpretation of the meaning):

“As to those women on whose part you see ill‑conduct, admonish them (first), (next) refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly, if it is useful)” [al-Nisaa’ 4:34]

“O you who believe! Ward off yourselves and your families against a Fire (Hell) whose fuel is men and stones” [al-Tahreem 66:6]

Ibn Katheer said:

Qutaadah said: you should command them to obey Allaah, and forbid them to disobey Allaah; you should be in charge of them in accordance with the command of Allaah, and instruct them to follow the commands of Allaah, and help them to do so. If you see any act of disobedience towards Allaah, then stop them from doing it and rebuke them for that.

This was also the view of al-Dahhaak and Muqaatil: that the duty of the Muslim is to teach his family, including his relatives and his slaves, that which Allaah has enjoined upon them and that which He has forbidden them. (Tafseer Ibn Katheer, 4/392)


Go and show this to ur sis hubby...
beat them (lightly, if it is useful)” beating a wife until she gets bruised is barbaric..

[Chained_Water]

I don't think custody should be a problem, she would have custody of any children until they reach maturity. Also this is a special case as he is physically abusive so I think could be seen as a risk to the child, and the ruling could be against him even later on.

Also she should not worry as she is protected by law if he tries anything. British courts typically give custody to mothers, so she is protected by law and aside from that it is up to her to seek guidance from a shaykh and make things on an islamic level as she sees appropriate.

[Chained_Water]

Oh, what is a Wali, someone mentioned it on the first page?
Basically like a legal guardian, someone who will act to her best interests and represents her. Typically it is the father and other male relatives in a certain order if the father is not there, but for reverts they can appoint a wali.

[Neurostyler]

The Islamic family dynamic is one such that the husband is the amir or leader of the household, this is not equivalent of the school teacher example, more equivalent to a project manager ananology. And no I don't believe it would be allowed the other way, but the wife would have grounds for divorce, and the husband can take upto four wives so it should ideally not be an issue the other way around.

The action wouldn't require much force would it? It's not a forceful action, it just requires physical proximity enough to do it. Again it's not like it HAS to be done, but if you think your wife would be taken aback by it and it would make reality hit her and see how bad things are, then it's worth a last try before taking it towards divorce.

I suppose it has to mean something to her to invoke any sense of embarrassment or guilt.
Perhaps there should have been drills when she was a child so that she would come to associate the tap with displeasure. A tap sounds adjunct to a pinch, something none too shocking unless it hurts.

I believe it is more likely she would find her husband to be behaving like a madman. This technique would probably be as meaningless as morris dancing in front of her in order to convince her that she is doing wrong.

[Pandora]

I must say I myself don't approve of any tapping or the like, but my sister is a muslim and I respect her choice to be one. If that is what the requirement of her religion is then I will not try to stop her.

My only concern here is that he is beating her, and I just couldn't see how any religion could condone that, so I looked up a muslim forum, and this one came up, because I wanted to ask real muslims about it.

She doesn't have any other muslim friends or social network, like I said, we are twins (I'm older by 5 minutes), and until all of this, we were the closest freinds ever. All our family has passed away, don't really want to get into the details of that as it still hurts.

She is my little sister, and I miss her, and I can't sit by whilst some man does this to her.

However from what you have told me, and shown me, he is not allowed to do what he is doing.

What about the other thing, him not letting her see me?

[nami]

Oh, what is a Wali, someone mentioned it on the first page?

Wali is a guardian

The wali is a Muslim man charged with marrying the one under his charge to a man who will be good for her. There is no disagreement that the first wali is her natural father if he is Muslim and that the last in line is the ruler. Between those two, there is some disagreement about the order but agreement that they come from the girl's paternal male relatives - no one from her mother's side enters into the picture. The order, according to many is: father, paternal grandfather, son, grandson, full brother, paternal half-brother, paternal uncle. The wali is an absolute requirement for a marriage, and any marriage done without him is null and void according to the majority of scholars based on the following hadiths

You can read more details here (http://www.islamonline.net/servlet/Satellite?pagename=IslamOnline-English-Ask_Scholar/FatwaE/FatwaE&cid=1119503543376).

[Pandora]

I don't think custody should be a problem, she would have custody of any children until they reach maturity. Also this is a special case as he is physically abusive so I think could be seen as a risk to the child, and the ruling could be against him even later on.

Also she should not worry as she is protected by law if he tries anything. British courts typically give custody to mothers, so she is protected by law and aside from that it is up to her to seek guidance from a shaykh and make things on an islamic level as she sees appropriate.

Oh Ok, I must admit your first reply about it was a bit worrying, although I can see some sense in that, I just can't imagine how hard it would be to lose ones own kids.

Basically like a legal guardian, someone who will act to her best interests and represents her. Typically it is the father and other male relatives in a certain order if the father is not there, but for reverts they can appoint a wali.

Could she appoint me as her wali?

[Chained_Water]

I suppose it has to mean something to her to invoke any sense of embarrassment or guilt.
Perhaps there should have been drills when she was a child so that she would come to associate the tap with displeasure. A tap sounds adjunct to a pinch, something none too shocking unless it hurts.

I believe it is more likely she would find her husband to be behaving like a madman. This technique would probably be as meaningless as morris dancing in front of her in order to convince her that she is doing wrong.

Well yes it is meant to invoke guilt. It like with me, my dad would never hit us as kids or get angry, whereas mum would give us a good whack if we overstepped the bounds.. so when/if dad ever did on the rare occassion get angry enough to raise his hand, even though it didn't hurt and wasn't anything on mums whacks :p ..it REALLY shook us up, I'd cry and feel really really bad and nothing could make that better until I knew he wasn't upset with me anymore. It did make me think "omg, what have I done."

I think this is meant to have that same effect.

On the other hand behaving like a madman would not invoke any feeling of guilt or remorse really would it, it would just cause you to disrespect him further, think "well he's just as bad and deserves it for treating me like this anyway" and possibly make you scared for your physical safety around him.. and causing that kind of fear of the husband wouldn't really help.. it should be a case of feeling guilt over ones actions and correcting them.

But just bear in mind that even though many may disagree with even tapping, it's not something you HAVE to do, and bear in mind also that Islam is NOT giving the green light to beat up your wives.

[Pandora]

Wali is a guardian



You can read more details here (http://www.islamonline.net/servlet/Satellite?pagename=IslamOnline-English-Ask_Scholar/FatwaE/FatwaE&cid=1119503543376).


So her marriage is not valid? that doesn't make any sense, I wasn't there when the man came to the house of the muslim lady (the one who helped my sister) in order to marry them, but I was at the wedding.

Maybe she had a wali on that day, I must ask her.

[nami]

So her marriage is not valid? that doesn't make any sense, I wasn't there when the man came to the house of the muslim lady (the one who helped my sister) in order to marry them, but I was at the wedding.

Maybe she had a wali on that day, I must ask her.

I don't know what the rulings are if she has no valid guardian. I have never really looked into it, i.e. a situation when a woman has no valid guardian. Maybe someone else in this forum knows?

[Chained_Water]

Oh Ok, I must admit your first reply about it was a bit worrying, although I can see some sense in that, I just can't imagine how hard it would be to lose ones own kids.



Could she appoint me as her wali?
It should be a Muslim male.. and hopefully you can see why, because he should be the man looking out for her interests no matter what, so he is the one she can appoint to deal with her husband, or the one who would be legally reponsible for her if she didn't have one and as a Muslim he would be bound by Islam to certain responsibilities and should be aware of her Islamic rights.

As for the custody issue, even the first post which was the ruling shows that custody would stay on he maternal side and only go to the husband after the child reaches a certain age under normal circumstances.. with him being violent and a possible danger to their safety the ruling may be different and it could be that he would not not be islamically given custody.. I don't know.

But she should bear in mind she is protected by law in any case.. so if she feels her kids would not be safe with him, she is not under any obligation to give them over. She could speak to a shaykh about this later on, and who knows where her husband would be or what he would want by then, in so many years he may not even want custody. There are a lot of what ifs in this.

[Neurostyler]

Well yes it is meant to invoke guilt. It like with me, my dad would never hit us as kids or get angry, whereas mum would give us a good whack if we overstepped the bounds.. so when/if dad ever did on the rare occassion get angry enough to raise his hand, even though it didn't hurt and wasn't anything on mums whacks :p ..it REALLY shook us up, I'd cry and feel really really bad and nothing could make that better until I knew he wasn't upset with me anymore. It did make me think "omg, what have I done."

I think this is meant to have that same effect.

On the other hand behaving like a madman would not invoke any feeling of guilt or remorse really would it, it would just cause you to disrespect him further, think "well he's just as bad and deserves it for treating me like this anyway" and possibly make you scared for your physical safety around him.. and causing that kind of fear of the husband wouldn't really help.. it should be a case of feeling guilt over ones actions and correcting them.

But just bear in mind that even though many may disagree with even tapping, it's not something you HAVE to do, and bear in mind also that Islam is NOT giving the green light to beat up your wives.

Like I said before, it's highly unlikely a woman who has the vigour to rampantly express her sexual nature, smoke, curse or shave her head would do anything other than laugh at a tap from her husband. Surely this would emasculate him in some sense. Make him feel even more angry for having only a limited right to embarrass her- one that she'd laugh at. I think that it may actually lead to MORE anger on his part.

[Ebony]

This 'tap' business seems very patronising. The assumption is that the man will always know what is best for his wife, and is her coercer should she decide to use the free will she is assumed to have. It all seems similar to treatment of a naughty child and is symbolically or not, rather humiliating. How love can be fostered in this awkward balance of relationship power, I'm not sure.

It is patronising and unlikely to have any effect, IMO.

The procedures before it, of keeping distance, separating beds etc is enough to switch the red warning light on in any sane person's head.

[Pandora]

There are a lot of what ifs in this.


That is very true.

I just wanted to thank you all for taking the time to reply today, I have to go now, need to be at Uni in 30mins, if I bike like crazy I should just about get there.

I will have to reread all of this later just to be sure I get my action plan right, and I will let you know how I get on at the mosque.

Salaams.

[sis_niqabi]

Khula’: definition and how it is done

Question:
What is khula and what is the correct procedure? If the husband does not want to divorce the wife, can the divorce still happen? What about in societies like America, where women who don’t like their husbands (in some case, because the husbands are religious). The women think that they have the freedom that if they don’t like the men, they can divorce them.

Answer:
Praise be to Allaah.

Khula’ means the separation of the wife in return for a payment; the husband takes the payment and lets his wife go, whether this payment is the mahr which he gave to her, or more or less than that.

The basic principle concerning this is the verse in which Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“And it is not lawful for you (men) to take back (from your wives) any of your Mahr (bridal-money given by the husband to his wife at the time of marriage) which you have given them, except when both parties fear that they would be unable to keep the limits ordained by Allaah (e.g. to deal with each other on a fair basis). Then if you fear that they would not be able to keep the limits ordained by Allaah, then there is no sin on either of them if she gives back (the Mahr or a part of it) for her Al-Khul‘ (divorce)”

[al-Baqarah 2:229]

The evidence for that from the Sunnah is that the wife of Thaabit ibn Qays ibn Shammaas (may Allaah be pleased with him) came to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and said, “O Messenger of Allaah, I do not find any fault with Thaabit ibn Qays in his character or his religious commitment, but I do not want to commit any act of kufr after becoming a Muslim.” The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to her, “Will you give back his garden?” Because he had given her a garden as her mahr. She said, “Yes.” The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to Thaabit: “Take back your garden, and divorce her.”

(Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5273).

From this case the scholars understood that if a woman cannot stay with her husband, then the judge should ask him to divorce her by khula’; indeed he should order him to do so.

With regard to the way in which it is done, the husband should take his payment or they should agree upon it, then he should say to her “faaraqtuki” (I separate from you) or “khaala’tuki (I let you go), or other such words.

Talaaq (i.e., divorce) is the right of the husband, and does not take place unless it is done by him, because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Talaaq is the right of the one who seizes the leg (i.e., consummates the marriage)” i.e., the husband. (Narrated by Ibn Maajah, 2081; classed as hasan by al-Albaani in Irwa’ al-Ghaleel, 2041).

Hence the scholars said that whoever is forced to divorce his wife by talaaq wrongfully, and divorces her under pressure, then his divorce is not valid. See al-Mughni, 10/352.

With regard to what you mention, that a woman in your country might arrange her own divorce through the man-made laws, if this is for a reason for which it is permissible to seek a divorce, such as disliking her husband, not being able to stay with him or disliking him because of his immoral ways and indulgence in haraam actions, etc., there is nothing wrong with her seeking divorce, but in this case she should divorce him by khula’ and return to him the mahr that he gave to her.

But if she is seeking divorce for no reason, then that is not permissible and the court ruling on divorce in this case does not count for anything in terms of sharee’ah. The woman still remains the wife of the man. This gives rise to a new problem, which is that this woman is regarded as a divorcee in the eyes of the (man-made) law, and can re-marry after her ‘iddah ends, but in fact she is still a wife and not a divorcee.

Shaykh Muhammad ibn Saalih al-‘Uthaymeen (may Allaah have mercy on him) was asked about a similar matter and said:

Now we have a problem. The fact that she is still married to him means that she cannot marry anyone else, but according to the court ruling she is apparently divorced from him, and when her ‘iddah ends she can re-marry. I think that the only way out of this problem is that good and righteous people should get involved in this matter, to bring about reconciliation between the man and his wife. Otherwise she has to give him some payment, so that it will be a proper shar’i khula’.

Liqa’ al-baab al-Maftooh by Shaykh Muhammad ibn ‘Uthaymeen, no. 54; 3/174.

Islam Q&A
http://islam-qa.com/index.php?ref=26247&ln=eng&txt=Khula

[sis_niqabi]

An invalid marriage contract must be done again, even if ten years have passed

Question:
My question is that we know that a girl’s marriage without the consent of the guardian is invalid according to the shareeah. Then there are a lot of cases where the couple have eloped and got married. My question is, if the marriage is invalid, how do these people make it valid, lets say after 5 years of marriage or 10years of marriage and they have children now.
My other question is that if a couple runs away and gets married and then after certain period, lets say 2years or 4years the parents then give consent or come to acceptance of their marriage, then is the marriage valid.
How do some one make this marriage valid?

Answer:
Praise be to Allaah.

If a woman gets married without the consent of her wali (guardian), her marriage is invalid and is not valid even if ten years have passed and even if they have children. It is essential to repeat the marriage contract after her guardian’s approval is obtained, because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “There is no valid marriage without a wali and two witnesses.” (Narrated by Ahmad and the authors of Sunan except al-Nasaa’i. See Saheeh al-Jaami’, 7558).

There is a stern warning against a woman who arranges her own marriage. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “A woman should not arrange another woman’s marriage and a woman should not arrange her own marriage, for the zaaniyah (adulteress) is the one who arranges her own marriage.” (Narrated by Ibn Maajah, 1782; see also Saheeh al-Jaami’, 7298).

With regard to the second question, which has to do with the approval of the wali; in this case it is essential to repeat the marriage contract, because the first nikaah was not valid. The couple must also repent sincerely to Allaah for what they have done, and Allaah is Forgiving, Most Merciful.

Islam Q&A
Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid
http://islam-qa.com/index.php?ref=13501&ln=eng&txt=wali

[Le Croyant]

Call the cops

[neelu]

A 'Wali' has to be a Muslim male. If you don't have any Muslim male relatives then she can appoint a trusted male member of the community (often an Imam, or Alim, a respected elder person or even the husband/brother of a trusted friend).

The sources for Islamic rules are contained in the Quran and Hadiths. There is a hadith in which the Prophet Muhammad (saw) said that if a woman seeks her husbands permission to go to the mosque, he should not stop her (I hope for her sake that her local mosque is good as the quality and integrity of Imams varies HUGELY and not all are trustworthy unfortunately). So if she seeks help from there and he tries to prevent her from going, that would prove (if she still needs proof) that he isn't being restrictive out of striving for Islam but is actually using Islam as an excuse to be a control freak and she'd need to get out of the marriage fast.

Tell her that divorce is not encouraged in Islam but it is also NOT sinful, so the option is there if she needs it. My personal opinion is that she should take contraception for the time being until their issues are resolved (either by him sorting out his anger management issues or by ending the marriage).

[Cristiana]

I'm very sorry about your sister and may Allah grant her the strenght to seek help and you the patience to be there for her.

It's a horrible thing but it's not "religion" that separated your sister from you: it's a nasty man. It's not "Help:my sister married a muslim" but "Help:my sister's husband beats her"... because this is not what Islam prescribes so you shouldn't make it sound as if ot does.

May Allah help you and your sister...and may He guide your brother in law to the straight path. Ameen!

All the best:)

[Muslim Online]

Ask the imaam at the local mosque for guidance here. He/they need advice and counseling from him or a specialist.

All the best, Pandora.

[tux08902]

I must say I myself don't approve of any tapping or the like, but my sister is a muslim and I respect her choice to be one. If that is what the requirement of her religion is then I will not try to stop her.

My only concern here is that he is beating her, and I just couldn't see how any religion could condone that, so I looked up a muslim forum, and this one came up, because I wanted to ask real muslims about it.

She doesn't have any other muslim friends or social network, like I said, we are twins (I'm older by 5 minutes), and until all of this, we were the closest freinds ever. All our family has passed away, don't really want to get into the details of that as it still hurts.

She is my little sister, and I miss her, and I can't sit by whilst some man does this to her.

However from what you have told me, and shown me, he is not allowed to do what he is doing.

What about the other thing, him not letting her see me?

This thread has blown the tapping way out of proportion. It is just the last option available to a husband who may be fed up with his wife. And, while the wife does not have this option available to her, she can refuse other things (if you know what I mean) and can divorce her husband. Really, the tapping is more of a symbolic gesture more than anything else. By itself, it can't even be classified as a forceful action. It's not forceful at all. On top of all this, it is seldom used by Muslim males anyway. It's basically become a non-issue, while brutal beatings like the one mentioned in this thread have become a major issue.

[Pandora]

Call the cops

I would do if I though my sister wouldn't get upset with me, but in her current state, in which she believes this is sanctioned, to do so would upset her greatly, plus she would not co-operate with the police, what would be the point?

I have phoned the police once, which simply got her into more trouble.


A 'Wali' has to be a Muslim male. If you don't have any Muslim male relatives then she can appoint a trusted male member of the community (often an Imam, or Alim, a respected elder person or even the husband/brother of a trusted friend).

The sources for Islamic rules are contained in the Quran and Hadiths. There is a hadith in which the Prophet Muhammad (saw) said that if a woman seeks her husbands permission to go to the mosque, he should not stop her (I hope for her sake that her local mosque is good as the quality and integrity of Imams varies HUGELY and not all are trustworthy unfortunately). So if she seeks help from there and he tries to prevent her from going, that would prove (if she still needs proof) that he isn't being restrictive out of striving for Islam but is actually using Islam as an excuse to be a control freak and she'd need to get out of the marriage fast.

Tell her that divorce is not encouraged in Islam but it is also NOT sinful, so the option is there if she needs it. My personal opinion is that she should take contraception for the time being until their issues are resolved (either by him sorting out his anger management issues or by ending the marriage).

Salaam Neelu, I have found out that on the day of the wedding, when the imam done the formalities, her husbands brother acted as a wali for her.

So does that count?

By the way, do you happen to have an online resource for that hadith? you said about being allowed to go to the mosque? I would like very much to learn about Islam so that I can help her, as I feel like you said he could be using it to control her.

I'm very sorry about your sister and may Allah grant her the strenght to seek help and you the patience to be there for her.

It's a horrible thing but it's not "religion" that separated your sister from you: it's a nasty man. It's not "Help:my sister married a muslim" but "Help:my sister's husband beats her"... because this is not what Islam prescribes so you shouldn't make it sound as if ot does.

May Allah help you and your sister...and may He guide your brother in law to the straight path. Ameen!

All the best:)

Salaam Cristiana, you are right of course, it wasn't until reading your post that I realised my title didn't sound right, infact maybe a little offensive. I do apologise, it genuinely wasn't meant like that.

I get nervous and blurt out things the wrong way and what with this being my first post at this forum, my nervousness ensured I blurted out the wrongest thing possible lol.

Ask the imaam at the local mosque for guidance here. He/they need advice and counseling from him or a specialist.

All the best, Pandora.

I have done so, I went to the muslim student association at my uni who put me in contact with a really nice imam and his wife and I got to meet with them yesterday evening. They said they will arrange to visit my sister and her husband to help guide her husband, and to help my sister learn of her rights.

I did ask if I could be there, but they said it might antagonise her husband, so it is best I don't attend, which is a shame as I feel my sister has no one representing her exclusively.

However the imams wife said she would represent my sisters interests in my place so fingers crossed that they can help.

This thread has blown the tapping way out of proportion. It is just the last option available to a husband who may be fed up with his wife. And, while the wife does not have this option available to her, she can refuse other things (if you know what I mean) and can divorce her husband. Really, the tapping is more of a symbolic gesture more than anything else. By itself, it can't even be classified as a forceful action. It's not forceful at all. On top of all this, it is seldom used by Muslim males anyway. It's basically become a non-issue, while brutal beatings like the one mentioned in this thread have become a major issue.


Yes, I read the article given on the other page, about how when you take out bruising, bleeding, face hitting etc, there is nothing left, hence it was never meant to be taken that way.

I guess that no matter what, an abusive man is just an abusive man, religion, colour not a deciding factor.

Still though, I am a new age feminist, so whilst I agree with certain gender roles and division, I can't agree that when my love gets fed up with me (which could happen alot as I am stubborn) he can tap me at all.

Like for example, I don't like people coming to physically close to me, I prefer you stay back out of arms reach, now if someons, man or woman was to invade that space around me which I deem my safe zone, I would see that as a threat, wether it was a tap, or just pointing a finger in my face, I would feel threatened. When I feel threatened it is I who will react first, and I will defend myself from that threat. So what he could have dealt with by telling me, for trying to tap me, would make it a whole lot worse.

Ok but this tapping business, for what reasons is he allowed to do it? honestly, if you saw my sister, spent time with her, you wouldn't want to hit her, she is lovely, loyal, kind, sweet, why would anyone want to hit her?

I mean he hit her because one evening she didn't want make love to him, he told her that she didn't have a right to refuse.

Anyway as I said, I think it's time I educated myself on Islam so that I can help my sister.

[`asiya]

pandora i am so sorry to hear about what your sister, our sister in Islam is going through and certainly Islam does not allow the type of treatment that you have described your sister is going through, may Allah guide her husband, and protect her amin.

Thank you for coming to ask us about what Islam really says about such matters and seeking to find a solution , and thank you so much for assisting our sister, she really has been misguided by this man, and indeed its a sad fact that in all societies and religions there are men amongst them, who will abuse their position of trust in a marriage,because sadly mysogonists abound worldwide, and unless they recognise their wrong doing in their behaviour, and sincerely repent then no change will come, and may Allah guide him amin.

The Islamic injunctions when implemented protect women from such men, and protects them fully from this type of behaviour. It is true that a woman cannot refuse intercourse with her husband,but this is only to keep the love between them u know how some people use this in a marriage as a "weapon" to punish the other, and intercourse is a loving act between a husband and wife and so the wisdom in this is that it will never be used in such a way.

However her refusing him ( and especially in the circumstances) this does not give him the right to beat her, in Islam he has no right to beat her in such a way at all, indeed the prophet muhammad said " how do any of you beat your wife as you beat your camel and then sleep with her"

That is also true for him, that he is not permitted to refuse to have intercourse with his wife when she wants either, in fact again women have even more rights than men, in that regard as a man is not permitted to withdraw physically from his wife until she is satisfied, wether he is "finished" or not, nor can he ask her to use contraception, as she has the right to have children. But this of course has conditions and if she has her monthly cylce then she must refuse him, and if she is ill then he should not ask of her but should be understanding and patient.

The ayat in the Quran which states if ur wife behaves in a lewd manner, then admonish her ( meaning speak to her tell her how u feel) then seperate from her in the bed ( meaning dont have marital relations with her but u are not allowed to physically seperate from her meaning u cannot leave the house ( that is forbidden for a man to do that ) u cannot ignore her, or be mean to her , u still have to treat her well, u just dont have "marital relations" ) it then says " then hit ( tap) her ( if it is useful) "

and ibn abass a companion of the prophet Muhammad who gave commentary on the meaning of the verses of the Quran, taught to him by the prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him further clarified what this hitting/ tapping means, and when asked he stated that " it is the light tap with siwack ( a toothbrush made from a twig, about 2-3 inches long, thinner than a pencil, which would of course leave no mark and do no harm)

This action is not to be used at the whim of the husband, this admonishing ones wife, has to be for something extremely serious, for example, flirting with other men and putting the marriage in jepordy, or neglecting the obligations of the religion, it would have to be so serious a matter for a husband to even admonish his wife, because he does not have the right in Islam, to even admonish her for small mistakes, outbursts, etc, every man has been ordered to overlook the faults of his wife, for Allah says what means, that what he feels he dislikes in his wife, may indeed be something very good, but he doesnt know it, and Allah knows.

He does not have the right to admonish her for anything that is less than major disobedience, and as stated the first two steps MUST be taken before the last one can even be implemented, and honestly if it had gotten to that 3rd stage then it would be so serious a matter, that divorce may be imminent, but even then before coming to this, then to bring reconciliation in the marriage, then Allah commands each of them to bring a party from each side, to bring reconciliation, as you have done whereby our sister will be represented now by the imam and his wife, Allah willing.

This post may end up very long, but there are so many teachings in Islam enjoining men to have taqwaa ( an arabic word meaning to be mindful and fearful of almighty Allah and his punishments for those who trangress the limits ) and there is so much more that can be added, as the rights of a woman in Islam are immense, in fact we have more rights, and less responsabilities than the men do ;)

but for now here is this, perhaps u can copy and paste the following to word programme, to keep for reference, or to give to your sister insha Allah ta ala. ( In some of the hadiths " The messenger of Allah" refers to Muhammad peace be upon him.)


Allah ta ala says in the Quran and also our prophet Muhammad peace be upon him enjoined men time and time again to "Fear Allah in regards to women"

The prophet may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him said,

" Fear Allah when it comes to women, for they are helpers you took in faithfulness to Allah. You also find it permissible to enjoy them lawfully. You owe it to them to spend money on them for their food and clothes and in kindness." Sahih Muslim

The messenger of Allah peace be upon him,

" All of you are gaurdians and all of you will be questioned concerning those under your care and a man is the gaurdian over his familly, and he will be questioned concerning those under his care " Sahih Al Bukhari and Muslim

"O you who believe! Have taqwaa of Allaah, taqwaa that is His right, and do not die except as Muslims." Al Quran, Surah Aal 'Imraan 3:102

"O people! Have taqwaa of your Lord who created you from one soul, and created from that its mate, spreading from them many men and women. And have taqwaa of Allaah, from whom you seek your mutual rights and [revere] the womb. Indeed Allaah is ever-watchful." Al Quran Surah an-Nisaa' 4:

"O you who believe! Have taqwaa of Allaah and speak the truth, He will make your deeds righteous and forgive your sins. And whoever obeys Allaah and His Messenger, he has achieved the mighty victory." Surah al-Ahzaab 33:70-71

Indeed the best Speech is the Book of Allaah, and the best guidance is the guidance of Muhammad (S) who said:All of you are entrusted and all of you are entrusted with your people... sahih Al-Bukhari

Allah has stated that:

"Men are the maintainers and protectors of women. " Al Quran surah an-Nisaa' 4:34

And the Prophet peace be upon him, warned a person who had a position over others

"Beware of the curse of the oppressed, for there is no screen between his supplication and Allah." sahih Al-Bukhari

The prophet peace be upon him, also said " The oppressed ones' supplication is answered even if he is a sinner; for he is himself responsible for his sins. (At-Tayaalisee. Authentic see Sahih ul-Jaami' no. 3377)

The messenger of Allah said "Three supplications are answered, there is no doubt in it:...and the supplication of the wronged person. (Ahmad, al-Bukhaaree in al-Aadaab, at-Tirmidhi , and Abu Dawood, authentic. See Saheeh ul-Jaami' no. 3028)

And the Prophet peace be upon him, commanded the Muslims to:

"Help your brother whether he is an oppressor or he is oppressed. Some People asked; "O Allaah's Messenger! It is alright to help him if he is oppressed, but how should we help him if he is an oppressor?" The Prophet (S) said, By preventing him from oppressing others." Al-Bukhari

And he peace be upon him, enlisted us to " help the oppressed" "this is one of the rights a Muslim has upon every other Muslim" Al-Bukhari

And Ibn `Umar (R) narrated that he (S) said "Oppression will be a darkness on the Day of Resurrection. Al-Bukhari

the prophet peace be upon him, let an abusive person know that he may carry the sins of his victim of the Day of Resurrection:

" Whoever has oppressed another person concerning his reputation, or anything else, he should beg for his forgiveness before the Day of Resurrection when there will be no wealth. But if he has good deeds those good deeds will be taken from him according to the oppression which he has done, and if he has no good deeds, the sins of the oppressed person will be loaded upon him." Al-Bukhari

Jaabir said "It never happened that Allah's Messenger was asked for anything and he said, 'No'." sahih Muslim

Anas said "I have never seen anyone more kind to his family than Allaah's Messenger..." sahih Muslim

The prophet peace be upon him said " He who does not show mercy, no mercy will be shown to him." Muslim

And the prophet peace be upon him, was a man who -"...never hit anyone with his hand, not a women, nor a servant, except during jihaad in Allah's cause..." sahih Muslim from 'Aa'isha

Allaah said

"Indeed in Allaah's Messenger there is a good example for he who has hope in Allaah and the Last Day and remembers Allaah much." Surah al-Ahzaab 33:21

The Prophet clearly admonished men

...And have taqwaa of Allah with regard to your treatment of women. Indeed you have acquired them through a trust with Allaah, and intercourse has been made lawful to you by Allaah's Word...You are responsible for providing them with food and clothing in a fitting manner... Muslim

He peace be upon him, clarified this point for those whom it may not be clear, when he was asked

"O Allah's Messenger! what is the right of ones' wife upon him?" That you feed her when you feed yourself; that you clothe her when you clothe yourself; that you should not strike her in her face, and never invoke ugliness upon her, and not separate from them except in their homes.
sahih narrated in Al-Bukhari and others

The Prophet warned of a women's right being infringed upon due to excess in religious devotion:

"Observe fast sometimes, and leave them at others; stand for the night prayer, and also sleep at night. Your body has a right over you, your eyes have a right over you, and your wife has a right over you." Al-Bukhari

And the Prophet "Forbade that a man should come (unexpectedly) to his wife like a night visitor doubting her fidelity and spying into her lapses." sahih Muslim

And he clarified the sanctity of the marriage when he said "

The condition most deserving to be fulfilled is that by which the private parts became lawful to you. sahih Al-Bukhari and Muslim

Remember the command of Allah

"And have taqwaa of Allaah, from whom you seek your mutual rights." Al Quran surah an-Nisaa' 4:1

The Prophet peace be upon him, also commanded: "I command you to take care of the women in a good manner for they are created from a rib and the most crooked portion of the rib is its upper part; if you try to straighten it, it will break, and if you leave it, it will remain crooked. So I command you to take care of women in the best manner. " sahih Al-Bukhari


The Prophet peace be upon him said:

The best of you are those of best conduct. Al-Bukhari Muslim and others.

And he described some of the attributes of that good conduct:

"The best of you are those who are best to their women." Ibn Maajah; sahih

" The best of you are those who are best to his family." At-Tabaraanee; sahih

The prophet peace be upon him, gave a clear example of a person who has good conduct:

" The best of you are those who are best to his family, and I am the best of you toward my family." narrated by at-Tirmithee and others, authentic. See Aadaab az-Zafaaf)

Anas narrated that the prophet peace be upon him, told the camel driver who pushed the camels carrying his wives:

" Drive slowly for you are driving mounts which carry vessels of glass. Abu Qibaalah [who narrated this from Anas] said: "Allaah's Messenger uttered words that if someone among you had uttered them, you would have found fault with him." (Muslim)

Allah reminds us: "And live with them honorably... " (Surah an-Nisaa' 4:19)

The Prophet peace be upon him, was a man who "Used to work for his family and when he heard the adhaan he would go out." (Al-Bukhari narrated from 'Aa'ishah)

Allaah praised his character:"Surely yours is the highest standard of character." (Surah al-Qalam 68:4)

'Aa'ishah (R) said about the prophet peace and blessings be upon him that

"He would mend his clothes, milk his sheep, and do what a man does in his home."(Ahmad and others, authentic. See Saheeh ul-Jaami' no.4812)

The messenger of Allah peace be upon him said

" All of you are gaurdians and all of you will be questioned concerning those under your care and a man is the gaurdian over his familly, and he will be questioned concerning those under his care " Sahih Al Bukhari and Muslim

It should be noted that one of the main reasons that cause problems between spouses, and that could cause these problems to escalate to a very bad level is a lack of knowledge of the rights which each partner has over the other.

Islam states these rights clearly, and urges and obliges each partner to fulfil them, as Allah says

“… And they (women) have rights (over their husbands…) similar (to those of their husbands) over them, but men have a degree (of responsibility) over them…” Al Quran, surah al-Baqarah 2:228

This aayah indicates that for every right that one partner has, there is a corresponding duty which the other partner must fulfil; thus balance will be achieved in all aspects of the relationship, which will strengthen the stability of family life.

Ibn ‘Abbaas (may Allah be pleased with them both) said concerning this aayah: “It is their (women’s) right to good companionship and proper treatment on the part of their husbands, and their duty to obey and do what their husbands tell them to do (in matters of religion) ”

Ibn Zayd said: “Fear Allah with regard to them (wives) just as they should fear Allah with regard to you.”

Al-Qurtubi said: “This aayah covers all the rights and duties within marriage.”

One of those rights is that trivial mistakes should be overlooked, especially words and deeds by which no harm was intended. Anas ibn Maalik reported that the Prophet salallahu alleyhi wa salam said

“Every son of Adam makes mistakes, and the best of those who make mistakes are those who repent.” Reported by al-Tirmidhi, 2501; Sahih al-Jaami’, 4/171.

Both husband and wife have to be patient and put up with one another, because everyone makes mistakes, and the one with whom you have to be most patient is the one with whom you live and interacts with most. Neither party should resort to tit-for-tat reactions.

If one spouse sees that the other is very angry, he or she should restrain his or her own anger, and not respond immediately. For this reason Abu’l-Darda’ ( a companion of the prophet Muhammad ) said to his wife:

“If you see me angry, calm me down, and if I see you angry, I will calm you down, otherwise it will be too difficult to live together.”

The imaam of Ahl al-Sunnah, Imaam Ahmad (may Allaah have mercy on him) married ‘Abbaasah bint al-Mufaddal, the mother of his son Saalih, and he used to say of her:

“Umm Saalih lived with me for twenty years, and we never argued over the slightest thing.”

One of the most important rights and duties is that each spouse should advise and remind the other to obey Allah.

It is reported in a saheeh hadeeth that a group of the Sahaabah asked the Prophet salallahu alleyhi wa salam “Teach us which kind of wealth is best, so that we may try to acquire it?” He said: “The best is a remembering tongue (one that remembers Allaah), a grateful heart and a believing wife who helps one’s faith.”

Reported by Ahmad, 5/278; al-Tirmidhi, 3039; Saheeh al-Jaami’, 5231.

A man should not make his wife angry if he sees in her something that he dislikes, because if he dislikes one of her characteristics, he will like another, so he should balance the two.

The Prophet salallahu alleyhi wa salam said: “No believing man should hate a believing woman: if he dislikes one of her characteristics, he will like another.” Reported by Muslim

Samurah reported that

the Prophet salallahu alleyhi wa salam said: “Woman was created from a rib, and if you try to straighten a rib you will break it, so deal with her gently.” Reported by Ahmad, 5/8; Ibn Hibbaan, 1308; Saheeh al-Jaami’, 2/163.

One of the best ways to ensure a good atmosphere between husband and wife is a good attitude, hence Islam placed an important emphasis on this matter. The Prophet salallahu alleyhi wa salam was the ultimate in good treatment of others and good attitude.

Abu’l-Darda’ reported that the Prophet salallahu alleyhi wa salam said “There is no good deed that will be put in the balance that will weight heavier than a good attitude. The one who has a good attitude will reach, because of it, the level of those who fast and pray.”

Reported by al-Tirmidhi, 2003; Abu Dawood, 4799.

Abu Hurayrah reported that the Prophet salallahu alleyhi wa salam said: “The most perfect of the believers in faith are the best in attitude, and the best of you are those who are best to their womenfolk.” Reported by al-Tirmidhi, 1/217; Ahmad, 2/250; Al-Silsilat al-Saheehah, 284

Some of the ways in which one can treat one’s wife well are to turn a blind eye and not to pick on things, great or small, and not to rebuke or scold for every single incident, except in the case of duties towards Allah. This is how Allah guides us in the Qur’aan, when He says

“… and live with them (women) honourably. If you dislike them, it may be that you dislike a thing that Allah brings through it a great deal of good.”

Al Quran surah al-Nisa’ 4:19.

The prophet may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him said,

" Fear Allah when it comes to women, for they are helpers you took in faithfulness to Allah. You also find it permissible to enjoy them lawfully. You owe it to them to spend money on them for their food and clothes and in kindness."

Sahih Muslim


Allah says in the Quran "Men are the maintainers and protectors of women, for Allah has made one to have greater responsibilities over the other, and because they spend of their wealth, their property (for the support of women)" Surah 4 ayah 34

The Arabic word used in this verse is "qawwâmûn" the plural of "qawwâm". This word - qawwâm -a form of the word "qayyim", which means a person who manages the affairs of others. The qayyim of a people is the one who governs their affairs. When Allah says: "Men are the qawwâmûn of women" it means that men are held liable for handling the affairs of women and are responsible before Allah for the women under their care, whether this is their mothers who are widowed, wives or daughters.

Anyone who would take the man's status in Islam, as the protector and maintainer of women and use it to oppress women and lord it over them is committing a crime against Islam.The qayyim of a woman is either her husband or her guardian who has to look after her, and ensure that her needs are met, this is a huge responsibility upon a man. This in no way implies superiority of a man over a woman for both are equal in the sight of Allah.

Allah says "so their lord accepted their prayers (saying) I will not suffer to be lost the work of any of you whether male or female you proceed one from the other" Al Quran, surah 3 ayah 195

Allah said in the Quran "And for women are rights over men, similar to those of men over women."

Narrated Abu Mas'ud Al-Ansari, The Prophet said, "When a Muslim spends something on his family intending to receive Allah's reward it is regarded as Sadaqa (charity) for him."

Narrated Abu Huraira, The Prophet said, "Allah said, 'O son of Adam! Spend, and I shall spend on you."

The Prophet said, "Allah has made it haram (forbidden) for you to be undutiful to your mothers to withhold what you should give or demand what you do not deserve, and to bury your daughters alive. And Allah has disliked that you talk too much about others, ask too many questions (in religion), or waste your property."

As we can see a husband cannot ask a woman to provide for him or contribute to the household needs, as we sometimes see in today's societies.

A man has the sole responsibility over his wife to take care of her, protecting her, defending her honour, and fulfilling her needs including those religious, emotional, physical needs and her daily needs such as food clothing and so on. It does not mean that a man has the right to behave in an obstinate manner, to force her to do his will simply because he feels like it, or to oppress her individuality. Indeed a woman's individuality is something to be treasured. Allah made each person with an individual personality and abilities and we must show respect for all of Allah's creation.

Allah said "And among His signs, is that He has created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquillity with them; and He has put love and mercy between you. Verily in that are signs for those who reflect."

Narrated Jarir bin 'Abdullah The Prophet said, "He who is not merciful to others, will not be treated mercifully.

Within the home a man should fear Allah in the way he behaves towards his wife and familly behind closed doors for Allah is all aware of what he does

Narrated Hudhaifa From among the people, Ibn Um'Abd greatly resembled Allah's Apostles in solemn gate and good appearance of piety and in calmness and sobriety from the time he goes out of his house till he returns to it. But we do not know how he behaves with his family when he is alone with them.

Narrated Abu Huraira, The Prophet said, "The worst people in the Sight of Allah on the Day of Resurrection will be the double faced people who appear to some people with one face and to other people with another face."

Narrated Abu Huraira, Allah's Apostle said, "The strong is not the one who overcomes the people by his strength, but the strong is the one who controls himself while in anger."

It is also not permissable to harm ones wife in any way as Islam forbids harming others, which includes a husband harming his wife by preventing her from having children or breastfeeding her child, or denying her, her right to intercourse and pleasure, this is the wife’s right over her husband

This is one of the basic principles of Islam. Because if harming others is haraam ( forbidden) in the case of strangers! it is even more so in the case of harming one’s wife!

It was narrated from ‘Ubaadah ibn al-Saamit that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) ruled, “There should be no harming nor reciprocating harm.” (Narrated by Ibn Maajah,, 2340)

This hadeeth was classed as saheeh by Imaam Ahmad, al-Haakim, Ibn al-Salaah and others. See Khalaasat al-Badr al-Muneer, 2/438.

The prophet muhammad salallahu alleyhi wa salam is the greatest example of a good husband his wife Aa`isha said that he would:

"sew his own garments, mend his own shoes and do whatever other work men do in their homes." (Reported by Imaam Ahmad in al-Musnad, 6/121; Saheeh al-Jaami', 4927).

she also stated that:

"He was like any other human being: he would clean his garments, milk his ewe and serve himself." (Reported by Imaam Ahmad in al-Musnad, 6/256; al-Silsilat al-Saheehah, 671)

Narrated Al-Aswad, I asked 'Aisha what did the Prophet use to do at home. She replied. "He used to keep himself busy serving his family and when it was time for the prayer, he would get up for prayer."

Because Kind treatment is something fundamental in a marriage, Allah said,

"Fear Allah regarding women! Verily you have married them with the trust of Allah, and made their bodies lawful with the word of Allah. You have got (rights) over them, and they have got (rights) over you, in respect of their food and clothing according to your means."

It is narrated that the Prophet Muhammad, May the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, said, " you are obliged to provide them with food and clothing honourably " (sahih Abu Dawud)

Allah says in surah 65 ayat 7 " This is the commandment of Allah which he reveals to you and whoever fears Allah he will blot out his sins, and will magnify his reward. "

We should keep the status of men as protectors and maintainers of women in the correct perspective, It is not a "title" that men can use to oppress, degrade or humiliate a woman or her opinion, for all women in Islam are valued no matter what their background, race or nationality. Unfortunately sometimes men are not properly educated in Islamic behaviour towards their wives. We may see some behaviour that is embedded with traditions and cultural ways towards women, which is clearly outside of the way of the prophet, May the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, and the teachings of the Quran. These things are not from Islam.

One should be very careful to state this fact when dealing with such issues and one should not mistake the poor behaviour of any Muslim for the teachings and ways of Islam. Some of these practices have begun to be passed off in the media as so-called "Islamic practices". When we look to the authentic Sunnah and see how the best of mankind the prophet Muhammad, May the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, behaved towards all women, including his beloved wives then we see how far away such practices are from Islamic teachings.

Allah says in the Quran "But consort with them in kindness, for if you hate them it may happen that you hate a thing wherein Allah has placed much good." This clearly shows that if a man finds a quality that he finds disagreeable in his wife, he should realise that perhaps it is a quality which is beneficial and to be appreciated.

The mercy of the Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him towards women extends further and reminds us of the best of conduct in his dealings.

Narrated Al-Khuzai: The Prophet said, "Shall I inform you about the people of Paradise? They comprise every obscure unimportant humble person, and if he takes Allah's Oath that he will do that thing, Allah will fulfill his oath (by doing that). Shall I inform you about the people of the Fire? They comprise every cruel, violent, proud and conceited person."

Narrated Abu Huraira, The Prophet said, "Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should not hurt (trouble) his neighbor. And I advise you to take care of the women, for they are created from a rib and the most curved portion of the rib is its upper part; if you try to straighten it, it will break, and if you leave it, it will remain curved, so I urge you to take care of the women."

This explains that a man must be patient with his wife as women are often more emotional through no fault of their own but due to their biological make-up

Allah said "They are your garments and you are a garment for them." This is a beautiful tribute to the bond of marriage between men and women. Islam has also guaranteed women their rights as individuals, including their right to have, and express they're own opinions. The Sunnah is full of examples of this:

It is narrated that the women of the Sahaabah used to argue and debate with their husbands , and indeed this is the way in which the Mothers of the Believers the Prophet’s wives used to act with our Prophet peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, as ‘Umar ibn al-Khattaab said to the Prophet peace and blessings of Allah be upon him

“We Quraysh used to control our women, but when we came to the Ansaar we found that they were a people who were controlled by their women. So our women started to adopt the ways of the Ansaari women.

I got angry with my wife and she argued with me and I did not like her arguing with me. She said, ‘Why do you object to me arguing with you? By Allah, the wives of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) argue with him…’” Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 4895; Muslim, 1479.

Al-Haafiz, ibn Hajar said in discussing the lessons to be learned from this hadeeth

" This shows that being harsh with women is something unaceptable, because the Prophet peace and blessings of Allah be upon him adopted the way of the Ansaar with women forsaking the way of his people."

It is not permissible to insult or revile ones wife in Islam. We have an instance, where Khawlah bint Tha`labah complained to the Prophet May the Peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, about her husband, who swore to never have intercourse with her, by the old pagan custom of claiming her to be "like the back of his mother". The following verse of the Quran was revealed: "Allah has indeed heard the words of the woman who pleads with you concerning her husband and carries her complaint (in prayer) to Allah " followed by verses abolishing this behaviour.

Also in regards to falsely accusings ones wife we see a severe punishment for such behaviour.

Narrated Abu Huraira the Prophet said, "Beware of suspicion (about others), as suspicion is the falsest talk, and do not spy upon each other, and do not listen to the evil talk of the people about others' affairs, and do not have enmity with one another, but be brothers. And none should ask for the hand of a girl who has already agreed to marry his (Muslim) brother, but one should wait till the first suitor marries her or leaves her." (decides not to marry her)

Narrated Ibn Abbas, Hilal bin Umaiya accused his wife before the Prophet of committing illegal sexual intercourse with Sharik bin Sahma.' The Prophet said, "Produce a proof, or else you would get the legal punishment (by being lashed) on your back." Hilal said, "O Allah's Apostle! If anyone of us saw another man over his wife, would he go to search for a proof." The Prophet went on saying, "Produce a proof or else you would get the legal punishment (by being lashed) on your back." The Prophet then mentioned the narration of lian (cursing) (as in theQuran ).

(Surat-al-Nur: 24 "And already they have misled many And (my Lord) do not increase the wrongdoers except in error because of thier sins they were drowned and put into the fire and they found not for themsleves besides Allah any helpers" )

The prophet, May the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, said to his companion Abû Al Darda: "O Abu al-Dardâ, you have a duty to your body, and to your Lord, and to your guest, and to your wife. Fast and break your fasts, pray, and be intimate with your wife. Give everyone their due right."( Sahîh al-Bukhârî.)

Islam also gives a woman the right to satisfaction regarding intimacies with her husband, and indeed she is permitted to seek a divorce on the grounds that he cannot satisfy her. To deny a wife her rights is to oppress her and oppression of a Muslim is a major sin.

Narrated Jaabir: The prophet May the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him said: "Beware of oppression, for oppression will turn into excessive darkness on the Day of Resurrection; and beware of pettiness, for pettiness destroyed your predecessors." Sahih Muslim

In hadith qudsi Allah says, "Oh my servants, I prohibited oppression on myself, therefore don't commit oppression."

"Thulm" means oppression in Arabic, the definition is as follows, transgressing the boundaries on yourself, of others, claiming something that doesn't belong to you and, Denying others their rights.

The rights that Allah has given to women are so many, and a man's wife and children are a huge responsibility, and he must have full knowledge of his obligations, and take them into careful consideration before he marries. If his marriage is to be successful then he must fear the punishments of Allah, in regards to his wife and children for it is haram (forbidden) for him to withhold them, and do harm to his family.

[Desipower]

salaams (peace)

I've been reading all the posts thus far to see how things are going. I do pray that inshallah (God willing) that there is a happy ending in all this. Your sister is our sister as well and we will stand up for her and defend her anyway we can, not just that but Islam is on our side as well since this guy is clearly messed up and twisting Islam to his whims and desires.

Mashallah there has been great answers here that can be printed out and shared with your sister.

I would do if I though my sister wouldn't get upset with me, but in her current state, in which she believes this is sanctioned, to do so would upset her greatly, plus she would not co-operate with the police, what would be the point?

I have phoned the police once, which simply got her into more trouble.

I wouldn't go to police just yet. You can only go when the victim is ready to move in that step otherwise it makes it only harder for the victim.



I have found out that on the day of the wedding, when the imam done the formalities, her husbands brother acted as a wali for her.

So does that count?

I don't think that should count becuase being a brother of the groom, he has conflict of interest and i don't think he can properly represent her. If there is no wali (like for converts or orphans) then normally a friend or the imaam himself acts as the wali to ensure that she gets her rights.

By the way, do you happen to have an online resource for that hadith? you said about being allowed to go to the mosque? I would like very much to learn about Islam so that I can help her, as I feel like you said he could be using it to control her.

I think you should learn about Islam as much as possible, knowledge is power and with guys like him you need knowledge to refute him when he thinks he knows more than anyone. And you are a kuffar (non-believer) but you are still family and she has every right to see you and Islam says not to break kin ties so the guy is going against Islam and you have the right to see her and spend time with her.


"Do not stop the maid servants of Allah from going to the mosques of Allah." (Muwatta of Imam Malik)


"When the wife of one of you asks about going to the mosque, do not stop her." (Bukhari)

http://www.themodernreligion.com/women/w_commlife.html




I have done so, I went to the muslim student association at my uni who put me in contact with a really nice imam and his wife and I got to meet with them yesterday evening. They said they will arrange to visit my sister and her husband to help guide her husband, and to help my sister learn of her rights.

I did ask if I could be there, but they said it might antagonise her husband, so it is best I don't attend, which is a shame as I feel my sister has no one representing her exclusively.

However the imams wife said she would represent my sisters interests in my place so fingers crossed that they can help.

Alhamdulillah (praise to be Allah), I'm happy to hear this sis. Lets pray the Imaam and his wife are able to do something good here Inshallah (God willing) and fix this situation. Maybe he can act her as wali also if it comes to that and do what is in her best interest and protect her rights.

The Imaam was right to not have you there for this initial meeting so that guy doesn't get on the defensive and refuse to talk to the Imaam or cause more trouble to your sister. Be patient and inshallah as things progress you will be joining the imaam's wife to be with your sister and learn together her rights from the imaam's wife.



Ok but this tapping business, for what reasons is he allowed to do it? honestly, if you saw my sister, spent time with her, you wouldn't want to hit her, she is lovely, loyal, kind, sweet, why would anyone want to hit her?

I mean he hit her because one evening she didn't want make love to him, he told her that she didn't have a right to refuse.

Anyway as I said, I think it's time I educated myself on Islam so that I can help my sister.

The whole tapping/hitting business is always blown out of proportions. That is only used as a last resort when the wife is being immoral and wrong and not heeding the warnings and advice of the husband despite all previous options being exhausted. Anyways, this guy is jumping to hitting and not just hitting but abuse, domestive violence, everything that is against Islam.

Anyways, i'm proud of you for taking the steps to look up an islamic place to come and ask questions and empower yourself with knowledge so you can help your sister rather then believe that what he said he's doing is right and let it go on. Remember that she is our sister too and we all are here to give advice, information and support to you and her in all this. Stay strong and keep pushing ahead dear!

[Zaid the Great]

Like I said before, it's highly unlikely a woman who has the vigour to rampantly express her sexual nature, smoke, curse or shave her head would do anything other than laugh at a tap from her husband. Surely this would emasculate him in some sense. Make him feel even more angry for