View Full Version : Infertile Husband?
Abu.Bakr
10-06-07, 09:09 AM
assalaamu alaikum wa rahmatullaah,
About a year ago I went to ask for a sister's hand. I mentioned that I was diagnosed with Leukemia at the age of 17 and have been in remission for 6 years. The father got paranoid and wanted to speak to my doctor about the risks of relapse, etc. So I took him to my doctor and my doctor explained to him that there is no possible chance that my illness will come back. He told him relapses are very rare after 2 years of remission.
3 months later, I relapsed. This time my treatment was alot more intense making my body permanently infertile and chances of re-relapsing are much higher (75%). I'm 24 years old and want to be engaged by the age of 25 InshaAllaah but my confidence level in finding a good sister is very low. I don't know many parents that will give their daughter to someone who can't have children and who probably won't be around for many years. I know it's all in Allaah's hands, but how many people have a good understanding of Qadr these days?
My question to my brothers and sisters here is would you marry your daughter to someone in my situation?
scorpionic
10-06-07, 09:19 AM
Wsalam akhi, may Allah reward you and compensate you with blessings in this life and the next that are far greater in magnitude than the trials you have endured. I pray that you are given the sabr to cope with your difficulties.
In answer to your question, although I am unmarried and a long way away from being in a father's position, I would like to think that if my daughter was happy with the idea of marrying someone in this position then InshaAllah I would be happy with it too. But of course, for 'my children' to be happy with such a proposal, I would have had to raise them with proper Islamic teaching in the first place.
That is my personal opinion and I pray that Allah (swt) brings all my opinions and actions and those of my offspring in line with al-Islam.
Trust in Allah and his plan for you and it will come to pass that you will receive all that Allah has planned for you. Insha allah he will grant you patience and strength.
May Allah swt give you sabr and grant you an understanding muslimah for a wife.Ameen
assalaamu alaikum wa rahmatullaah,
About a year ago I went to ask for a sister's hand. I mentioned that I was diagnosed with Leukemia at the age of 17 and have been in remission for 6 years. The father got paranoid and wanted to speak to my doctor about the risks of relapse, etc. So I took him to my doctor and my doctor explained to him that there is no possible chance that my illness will come back. He told him relapses are very rare after 2 years of remission.
3 months later, I relapsed. This time my treatment was alot more intense making my body permanently infertile and chances of re-relapsing are much higher (75%). I'm 24 years old and want to be engaged by the age of 25 InshaAllaah but my confidence level in finding a good sister is very low. I don't know many parents that will give their daughter to someone who can't have children and who probably won't be around for many years. I know it's all in Allaah's hands, but how many people have a good understanding of Qadr these days?
My question to my brothers and sisters here is would you marry your daughter to someone in my situation?
wa alaikum aslaam akhi,
May allah swt grant u good health and sabr ameen
your future is not in the hands of others but in hands of Allah SWT only.
If marriage is inshallah decreed for u, it will happen no matter what is wrong with u, and that is what u should carry with u inside. :up:
if i had a daughter and u came for her hand, i would rely solely on Allah swt and turn to him via istikhara and other prayers to help me decide ,inshallah i would not turn away jus becos u MIGHT relapse, eveything is in the hands of allah swt.
I can understand why the father would have done what he did but we dont know the future hence why we should only turn to allah swt for help even though we might be really sure that we know what is best.
Prophet SAW sed to look at a persons character when looking for a spouse not how many illnesses he has and how many arms or legs .
Akhi remeber the story of Prophet Ayyub AS, look how impossible his situation looked to him but yet he conitued to turn to Allah swt and look how Allah swt rewarded him back 10/100 hundred fold!
May Allah swt make things easy for u and bless u with a pious, rightoues and beautiful wife ameen
wa alaikum aslaam akhi,
May allah swt grant u good health and sabr ameen
your future is not in the hands of others but in hands of Allah SWT only.
If marriage is inshallah decreed for u, it will happen no matter what is wrong with u, and that is what u should carry with u inside. :up:
if i had a daughter and u came for her hand, i would rely solely on Allah swt and turn to him via istikhara and other prayers to help me decide ,inshallah i would not turn away jus becos u MIGHT relapse, eveything is in the hands of allah swt.
I can understand why the father would have done what he did but we dont know the future hence why we should only turn to allah swt for help even though we might be really sure that we know what is best.
Prophet SAW sed to look at a persons character when looking for a spouse not how many illnesses he has and how many arms or legs .
Akhi remeber the story of Prophet Ayyub AS, look how impossible his situation looked to him but yet he conitued to turn to Allah swt and look how Allah swt rewarded him back 10/100 hundred fold!
May Allah swt make things easy for u and bless u with a pious, rightoues and beautiful wife ameen
mashallah MG :up:
MAY Allah reward you for your kind words,and accept all the duwas. (Ameen)
The Prophet :saw: said:
slave to whom Allâh has given knowledge, but not wealth. His intention is sincere, and he says, ‘If only I had wealth, I would do (good deeds) like so-and-so (the first slave).’ He will be rewarded according to his intention, so their reward will be equal.
carol_au
10-06-07, 11:44 AM
For me, its your emaan. It's not about whether you can have children, or whether you will be on this dunya for a long or short period of time .. those are completely in the hands of Allah and any of us go into marriage without knowing those things.. .. it's completely about the sort of husband you will be.. Your emaan will affect your wife's.. and no matter how longa marriage Allah blesses you with, the marriage will benefit you both for eternity insha allah ..that is what really is important
May Allah bless you and reward you akhi. and hear your duas insha allah .. ameen
ur_yusra
10-06-07, 11:49 AM
:wswrwb:
Like sis Carol said it is completely about your eemaan.. if you shine through as a pious individual who is likely to treat his wife well I cannot see a sister refusing you for marriage unless perhaps she was slightly narrow minded.. no children is a sacrifice to make but who can guarantee that you will not have children? Noone.. for Allah (swt) anything is possible so do not give up hope and seek patience in prayer.
May Allah (swt) grant you shifa - Aameen.
peace2u
10-06-07, 11:56 AM
May Allah (swt) make you patient and strong. I can't think of anything else to add what has been posted already except that I hope you are blessed with all that is good in this life and the hereafter.
Peace
heaven2002
10-06-07, 12:00 PM
could you not marry someone who already has children (divorced or widowed) and who does not want anymore?
that way you get to be a father too?
Inshalllah Allah will give you a fantastic wife soon
Amethyst
10-06-07, 12:02 PM
:wswrwb:
Like sis Carol said it is completely about your eemaan.. if you shine through as a pious individual who is likely to treat his wife well I cannot see a sister refusing you for marriage unless perhaps she was slightly narrow minded.. no children is a sacrifice to make but who can guarantee that you will not have children? Noone.. for Allah (swt) anything is possible so do not give up hope and seek patience in prayer.
May Allah (swt) grant you shifa - Aameen.
I agree with ur_yusra, only Allah SWT has the power to do what He wills.
Ameen to all the duaas.
shamson
10-06-07, 12:33 PM
SubhanAllah I know of couples that were told for whatever reason they would not be able to have children and one couple had a child after 7 years and another 15 years later mashAllah.
Have trust in Allah and Allah will make your affairs easier for you Allah knows what is good for you and although we may not understand the hikma behind certain things eventually inshAllah everything falls into place. Allah has a purpose for us and we have to pursue that to the best of our abilities.
There are a great number of sisters (including reverts) that have children (I know a few) that would like a muslim practicing husband but find that not many brothers want to raise another man's child....The Prophet SAW married a woman who already had children (think it was umm salama?Allahu alim)
May Allah SWT make easy your affairs.
take care
Assalmu alaikum bro.
subhanallah im full of admiration and respect for you bro :up:
as Muslims we marry people for the status of their eemaan primarily and everything else is an added luxury. whether or not you are fertile is in allahs hands but bro let me tell you something, there are many sisters in you position too. sisters who have not resigned themselves to never having children, sisters who refuse to dwell on what they dont have but rather are intent on fostering or adoption inshallah.
Please dont shut yourself off or be despondenet. Allah provides from sources you could never imagine :love:
Chained_Water
10-06-07, 01:07 PM
could you not marry someone who already has children (divorced or widowed) and who does not want anymore?
that way you get to be a father too?
Inshalllah Allah will give you a fantastic wife soon
This a really good idea. MashaAllah I am sure there are many options for you, there are many sisters who already have children and are divorced, and they would make amazing wives to someone inshaAllah.. sadly they often face prejudice.
May Allah(swt) grant you good health, and the best of this world and the next.
But brother you asked the question and personally, if I had an unmarried daughter, I would not give her in marriage to a man who couldn't have children. Every parent will obviously think of the long term for their daughter, who would do the injustice and preventing her from having the opportunity to be a mother (of course it is in Allah(swt)s hands ultimately)? I don't think anyone would do this unless their daughter was also infertile. For men it is different, they can have four wives. And if you find out you are infertile after marriage, that shouldn't make a difference either, you've made a committment and you can adopt, foster etc.
But a fertile woman has the right to try for children, and so why would she prevent herself from ever having them on purpose by marrying someone she knows is infertile? I'm sure infertility of the husband would even be grounds for divorce for the woman?
What Allah(swt) makes come to pass, you accept, but that doesn't mean you would choose these things for yourself when you have the choice not to.
So you need to think about what is suitable for you AND the woman you'd marry. An unmarried girl who can have kids, is in my opinion probably not the best thing to go looking for, because marriage to you would prevent her from having the chance to be a mother. But a divorced/widowed woman with children, or an infertile unmarried girl would be far more suitable and ideal for you, and you for her. You'd both appreciate each others situation and suit it.
And of course the most important consideration should be deen.. and I'm sure there are pious muslimahs out there who would be suitable for you. :)
Chained_Water
10-06-07, 01:12 PM
SubhanAllah, you've obviously been through so much.. Allah(swt) tests those he loves, and you sound so mature about it. Trust in Allah(swt), have complete certainty in Him that he will answer your duas.. and I'm sure you will be blessed with a pious wife who is perfect for you :)
Just don't close yourself off from considering divorced sisters or widows with children.. because they would be much better for you.. they would have been tested with dificulties too, they would appreciate what you've been through, and understand the hardship you faced in finding a spouse too.. Also you would get the chance to bring up children too :)
*hayat*
10-06-07, 03:32 PM
inshallah we will all pray for you and inshallah you will have a good wife and children inshallah, keep praying to allah
and plz keep us all up to date...
:up: salam
If I were in love with someone who had a terminal illness and couldn't have children, I'd still want to marry him but I know my family would try and stop me because they'd be worried about my future and how my life would be as a young widow a few years down the line. Other than that, if I were told about a random rishta who had good characteristics but was terminally ill and infertile, I think I'd say no straight away (which is odd cos' I'm normally very pragmatic and follow my head instead of my heart).
A friend of mine was in a similar position to you a few years back and she was on the heart transplant list (although I don't think she was infertile). She was very good looking and knew a Muslim guy who wanted to marry her but she turned him down because she knows she can't fulfill the expectations of being the dutiful daughter in law at home cos' half the time she'd be ill in hospital. She said even though he said he really liked her, but she felt he really didn't know what he'd be in for but she still sometimes thought about it and asked me about it. She never married.
I looked up Islamic sources and found one particular story about a Sahabi (ra) who got married the day before going into a very tough battle. He told his wife that he knew there would be a high likelihood that he'd die the next day but they still decided to consummate the marriage that night and he did die the next day in battle. It sounds very risky and crazy to people in this day and age but remember Allah (swt) says in the Quran something about the hypocrites who made excuses to avoid going into war would be no safer sitting in their homes than in the battlefield cos' their time of death has already been fixed regardless of where they are.
Cristiana
10-06-07, 06:13 PM
Waleykum assalam akhi,
May Allah SWT reward you immensely and shower you with His mercy for what you lived through and still are coping with. Masha'Allah for your strenght and positivity.
I wouldn't discourage my daughter to marry someone in your situation. If the brother is pious and strong in his faith I know he can do good in the life of a woman.
Honestly, if my daughter wanted to marry you I would be worried for both BUT I'd be proud of my daughter's strenght and trust in Allah.
Being worried my daughter might be widowed quite young and never have children would initially bother me and worry me. But who knows how long all of us will live? who knows who will be given children? Only Allah SWT of course :up:
I'll make du'a for you now and I really wish you all the happiness marriage can bring insha'Allah:)
ghanamuslima
10-06-07, 06:32 PM
if he was a good brother, straight on his deen and my daughter liked him then i wouldn't have a problem. i am a firm believer in Qadr, ALLAH gives to whom HE wills i wouldn't deprive my daughter of a good husband just for the sake of kids. May ALLAH (SWT) grant you a pious wife who will be understanding and remember with ALLAH all things are possible who's to say ALLAH will not give you remission and kids too? don't forget the POWER of your LORD.
tux08902
11-06-07, 12:12 AM
I wouldn't prevent my daughter from marrying an infertile male if she and I really liked him. Kids shouldn't really play a role in this because you can adopt even babies, so it's really a non-issue. Although, I realize that sometimes people tend to think that adopted children aren't really theirs, which I think is absolutely stupid...
RashidD
11-06-07, 12:53 AM
For our brother Abu.Bakr:
The Messenger of Allah [sallallahu 'alayhi wa sallam] said: "Some people will come on the Day of Judgement and their Imaan will be outstanding, it's light will shine from their chests and from their right hands.
So it will be said to them, 'Glad tidings for you today, Assalamu 'alaikum and Goodness for you, Enter into it (Jannah) forever!'
So the Angels and the Prophets will be jealous of the Love of Allah for them."
So the Sahabah asked, "Who are they, Ya Rasoolullah?"
He [sallahu 'alayhi wasalam] replied,
"They are not from us and they are not from you. You are my companions but they are my beloved. They will come after you and will find the Book (the Qur'an) made redundant by the people, and a Sunnah which has been killed by them. So they will grab hold of the Book and the Sunnah and revive them.
So they read them and teach them (the Qur'an and the Sunnah) to the people and they will experience in that path a punishment more severe and more ugly than what you (O Sahabah) have experienced.
Indeed the Imaan of one of them is equivalent to the Imaan of forty of you.
The Shaheed of one of them is equivalent to forty of your Shuhadaa'. Because you found a helper towards the truth (the Prophet) and they will find no helper towards the truth.
So they will be surrounded by tyrant rulers in every place, and they will be in the surroundings of Bait-ul-Maqdis (Al-Quds, Masjid al-Aqsa). The Nussrah (Help and Victory) of Allah will come to them, and they will have the honour of it on their hands."
Then he [sallahu 'alayhi wasalam] said, "O Allah, give them the Nussrah and make them my close friends in Jannah."
- Reported in Ahmad
Reference for Hadith I posted #1
Musnad al-Imaam Ahmad, chain no. 77, Hadeeth no. 17561. Imam Ahmad (Rahimahullah) accepted it and Ibn Hajr al-Haymthami (rh.a.) said that it was Hassan.
All of the people in the chain are clasified as Thiqah (trustworthy) by most of the 'Ulamaa ul-Hadeeth. Imaam Ahmed ibn Hanbal (rh.a.) accepted it. Ibn Hajr al-Haymthami (rh.a.) said that it was Hassan, and there are indications in the reality that appear to confirm what has been predicted in it (which can be looked at for informative ahaadeeth) and they add a general strength to it.
May ALLAH (Subhanahu Wa Ta'aala) accept you from amongst them, ameen.
could you not marry someone who already has children (divorced or widowed) and who does not want anymore?
that way you get to be a father too?
Inshalllah Allah will give you a fantastic wife soon
I think this is excellent idea too... then you won't deprive a muslimah of having babies cos that could be what she desired and to deprive her of her natural ability is quite cruel, i think.
Beside that, forgive those who do things for the sake of themselves and not Allah. Better to see it now than later. :)
carol_au
11-06-07, 04:58 AM
I think this is excellent idea too... then you won't deprive a muslimah of having babies cos that could be what she desired and to deprive her of her natural ability is quite cruel, i think.
Beside that, forgive those who do things for the sake of themselves and not Allah. Better to see it now than later. :)
How can it be cruel if she knowingly enters this marriage wanting a good strong husband to help her in her deen. That is worth more than anything else in the world... journeying to Jannah together and helping each other to arrive there together..
Sorry sis, but it would only be cruel if it was a forced marriage in my opinion.
Abu.Bakr
11-06-07, 05:25 AM
assalaamu alaikum wa rahmatullaah,
jazaakAllaahu khair to everyone for giving your opinions and du'as
I have no problem at all marrying a Muslimah who has been widowed or infertile. I understand everything is in the Hands of Allaah, and I have full faith in Him, but unfortunately it is my faith in the mindset of some the Muslims today that is lacking.
I'm not complaining Alhamdulillaah, but it has been interesting hearing everyone's stance on the issue. It will definately be something I consider when the time comes InshaAllaah. jazaakAllaahu khair :)
wassalaamu alaikum wa rahmatullaah
Tahiyah
11-06-07, 05:26 AM
i know a sis who was divorced because she cannot have anymore children. someone like you would be perfect for her. Inshaa Allah, look for a sister like this. there are many out there...just ask around.:up:
May Allah grant you his shifa akhi. He must really love you to give you such a test. we should all be jealous of you..;)
May Allah t'ala ease your sufferings and bless you with much patience. ameen.
How can it be cruel if she knowingly enters this marriage wanting a good strong husband to help her in her deen. That is worth more than anything else in the world... journeying to Jannah together and helping each other to arrive there together..
Sorry sis, but it would only be cruel if it was a forced marriage in my opinion.
Exactly, what i was trying to say there are those who do things without remembering they should do it for the sake of Allah but for personal reasons...
If the sis wants to have a baby, and to give her a marriage that doesn't allow it, in my personal opinion, it's a forced marriage. Cos she could find one who has more possibility to give her a baby and together they still can strive for journey to jannah...
The girl should have a choice too...
Meanwhile, bro can still find someone else and together they still can strive for journey to jannah...
No offence intended.
:)
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