Disobedient Twelve Year Olds

[ur_yusra]

How do you deal with naughty boys who are disobedient towards their parents at such a young age and don't care for what is right or wrong and basically do whatever they want?

[Kal-El]

Speak to them about circumcision and how they'll need it again.

[ur_yusra]

Speak to them about circumcision and how they'll need it again.


eh? :S

[dhakiyya]

are they your kids, or kids you look after/teach/etc?

Basically you have to discipline them for rudeness, always be polite (yet very very firm) with them, and also praise them when they are polite, and find polite roll models for them. Boys lack proper role models in this society, so they need Islamic role models, teach them about the Prophet :saw: and male companions, how they were totally strong and brave, but always always polite and kind to their families, the needy, the Muslims, people they talked to about Islam and so on.

[alld]

How do you deal with naughty boys who are disobedient towards their parents at such a young age and don't care for what is right or wrong and basically do whatever they want?

it is basically parents fault if the kids turn up with that kind of behaviour . parents reap what they sow . prevention is better than cure . parents responsibility towards character building starts from an very early age and mothers role in character development is more so .

the boys can still be molded to behave aright but the job gets tougher with every passing year . it is better to mould them young .

[ur_yusra]

it is basically parents fault if the kids turn up with that kind of behaviour . parents reap what they sow . prevention is better than cure . parents responsibility towards character building starts from an very early age and mothers role in character development is more so .

So when Nuh (AS)'s son disobeyed his father it was Nuh (AS)'s fault? :rolleyes:

You cannot blame the parents for everything - Maybe when you're a father you will someday understand.

[Islamiyyah]

Speak to them about circumcision and how they'll need it again.



:rotfl:

[MMS]

it is basically parents fault if the kids turn up with that kind of behaviour . parents reap what they sow . prevention is better than cure . parents responsibility towards character building starts from an very early age and mothers role in character development is more so .

the boys can still be molded to behave aright but the job gets tougher with every passing year . it is better to mould them young .

i dont think the parents are always to blame, ive seen families where one brother maybe very obediant and kind to his parents and the other a complete rebel

and they have both been raised by the same parents in the same way :)

[alld]

So when Nuh (AS)'s son disobeyed his father it was Nuh (AS)'s fault? :rolleyes:

You cannot blame the parents for everything - Maybe when you're a father you will someday understand.

we are talikng about behaviour of kids within muslim families and not disobedience to Allah swt . you are talking about a 12 year old nabaligh kid isn't . parents got to take blame foor that however if the kids disbeleive in Islam after the parents properly educate them then it's the problem of the boys . the boys can pray allthe five times and perform arkaaans of Islam and yet they can behave disobediently with parents .

[`asiya]

it is basically parents fault if the kids turn up with that kind of behaviour . parents reap what they sow . prevention is better than cure . parents responsibility towards character building starts from an very early age and mothers role in character development is more so .

the boys can still be molded to behave aright but the job gets tougher with every passing year . it is better to mould them young .

i think this is true u have to start when they are very young as dhakiyya said the sooner the better like as soon as they start to crawl. however when they get to teenage years, then sometimes outside influences become stronger than family ones, i would look at why they have lost respect for the family, try to sit them down talk it out, why do i make him so mad, why does he seem to dislike us and treat us so, what is it thats making him so mad about the world.

If they cant give any sound reasons as to why then id just put it down to teenage hormones, i got some good advice from a mum when my boys reached their early teenage years she said " just ignore all the yelling and shouting and protesting and door banging that they do, they all do it, theyre just asserting their rights, dont bother to start yelling back at them it doesnt work just ride it out and in a couple of years they will be ashamed of their behaviour sure enough she was right and it worked for my sons anyway. When they start being jerks just tut and roll ur eyes at them then ignore them..and dont let them rile you, or u will have a war in your house.

[alld]

i dont think the parents are always to blame, ive seen families where one brother maybe very obediant and kind to his parents and the other a complete rebel

and they have both been raised by the same parents in the same way :)

so we mean to say that leave them alone as no amount of good parenting is of any avail . the parents got to do their duty and leave the rest to Allah .
each kid is different even within the family and hence each one is to be dealt differentely depending upon the kids psychology disposition mannerisms etc.
we can't paint all the kids with same brush .

[alld]

i think this is true u have to start when they are very young as dhakiyya said the sooner the better like as soon as they start to crawl. however when they get to teenage years, then sometimes outside influences become stronger than family ones, i would look at why they have lost respect for the family, try to sit them down talk it out, why do i make him so mad, why does he seem to dislike us and treat us so, what is it thats making him so mad about the world.

If they cant give any sound reasons as to why then id just put it down to teenage hormones, i got some good advice from a mum when my boys reached their early teenage years she said " just ignore all the yelling and shouting and protesting and door banging that they do, they all do it, theyre just asserting their rights, dont bother to start yelling back at them it doesnt work just ride it out and in a couple of years they will be ashamed of their behaviour sure enough she was right and it worked for my sons anyway. When they start being jerks just tut and roll ur eyes at them then ignore them..and dont let them rile you, or u will have a war in your house.

the kids are to be molded and brought up in a way that they influence the outside world rather to be influenced by outside . the inside of a muslim is not to be suspectible to the outside environment cultire . i know saying is easier than done but that's how Islam lifts it's beleivers status high .
are the parents ready . the kids are more than willing inshaallah .

[`asiya]

the kids are to be molded and brought up in a way that they influence the outside world rather to be influenced by outside . the inside of a muslim is not to be suspectible to the outside environment cultire . i know saying is easier than done but that's how Islam lifts it's beleivers status high .are the parents ready . the kids are more than willing inshaallah .

yes akhi but unfortunately unless we live in muslim communities where all our fellow muslims are following Islam as it should be, then thats highly unlikely, when a kid is going to school with the kuffar and mixing with " muslim " families and their kids who do not follow Islam nor obey Allah then its a battle to keep ur kid loving Islam, the kids starts to look at his parents as stupid when they are the only ones following the rules, u have to make moral and islamic principles clear to them at a very early age, or unless u just lock them up at home with you and dont let them out till theyre 18 ....;)

[alld]

yes akhi but unfortunately unless we live in muslim communities where all our fellow muslims are following Islam as it should be, then thats highly unlikely, when a kid is going to school with the kuffar and mixing with " muslim " families and their kids. who do not follow Islam nor obey Allah then its a battle to keep ur kid loving Islam, unless u just lock them up at home with you and dont let them out till theyre 18 ....;)

it's perfectly understandble . :)
in my openion the first step is trying to explain tothe boys with love and care . if this does not work out then the parents must curtail in succumbing to their demands step by step and later on ignore all their demands and ignore them . the last step is to beat them . i know in western societies it is difficult but there is no other alternative . :(
then ofcourse we must keep praying to Almighty who is molder of all haerts .
some of these or a combination of these inshaallah can help

on another level there are things like hijrah

[alld]

So when Nuh (AS)'s son disobeyed his father it was Nuh (AS)'s fault? :rolleyes:

You cannot blame the parents for everything - Maybe when you're a father you will someday understand.

he wasn't the son of Nuh a.s you know . Nuh a.s was promised by Allah swt to save all his sons but the one in question perished since islamic brotherhood is overriding over all other ties of kinship. Allah fulfilled his promise by saving all those obedient to Nuh a.s and Allah . the kinship based on Imaan is more stronger than kinship cos of birth . we can akh or disown those who disbelieve in Islam or follow errant ways . Allah does not laden a soul more than it can bear .

all the problems start when our love for kids , wealth , spouses override our love for Allah swt and his massenger pbuh .

[seven]

encourage him to take on a hobby... like a sport... where he can vent his aggression/frustrations

[Te'oma]

My strategy for a kid like this would be to simply make his life miserable to the point where he has to realize that it's easier to behave and be treated nicely then it is to act up. First thing to go would be the stuff in his room like tv/computer etc. You provided those things, they are yours and you have the right to take them away if he is disrespecting you.
If that fails, next step is to take away all of his "cool" clothes and leave him wearing a pair of thrift store sneakers, geek pants and shirt.
This will usually do the trick :D
You have to nip it on the bud now or you will have a real problem on your hands when he gets to be 16

[ur_yusra]

My strategy for a kid like this would be to simply make his life miserable to the point where he has to realize that it's easier to behave and be treated nicely then it is to act up. First thing to go would be the stuff in his room like tv/computer etc. You provided those things, they are yours and you have the right to take them away if he is disrespecting you.
If that fails, next step is to take away all of his "cool" clothes and leave him wearing a pair of thrift store sneakers, geek pants and shirt.
This will usually do the trick :D
You have to nip it on the bud now or you will have a real problem on your hands when he gets to be 16

What if if you do that he starts throwing.. possibly even breaking things?

[alld]

What if if you do that he starts throwing.. possibly even breaking things?

some times we gotta use our brains :)

[ur_yusra]

some times we gotta use our brains :)

Yeh that would help.

[alld]

Yeh that would help.

yep . if that no helps then use danda stick :D

[Irfan GBH]

What if if you do that he starts throwing.. possibly even breaking things?

Kids like that get a massive thappar.

Te'oma's idea overall seems good, except with the crazy kid who starts throwing stuff and kicking and screaming. In which case you'll need to find someone the kid don't wanna mess with to threaten or give hima good smacking in combination with Uncle T's remedies.

[`asiya]

What if if you do that he starts throwing.. possibly even breaking things?

thats one angry kid, id find out whats going on with him that hes so mad at his family, why what have they/people around him done to make him so mad, kids dont act that way for no reason, my son used to do stuff like that and who can blame him when he was abandoned by his father, and constantly getting abused by racists including the police and being called all the names u can imagine and even getting battered by racist neighbours, my ex-husband etc. no wonder he was throwing things i would be throwing things too...

If the kid has a father around then hes the one to deal with this insha Allah, boys respond so much better to male role models, and beating him is not the answer, theres something else going on with a kid that angry hes just a person with feelings after all like anyone, and cos hes only 12 means he doesnt know the best way to vent those feelings ( as hes got adult male hormones and an immature boys mind just now) and resorting to smashing things up... well somethings made him very angry Allahu alam, Got to chat with him insha Allah find out whats going on. help him to get a grip on his anger insha Allah.

[ur_yusra]

thats one angry kid, id find out whats going on with him that hes so mad at his family, why what have they/people around him done to make him so mad, kids dont act that way for no reason, my son used to do stuff like that and who can blame him when he was abandoned by his father, and constantly getting abused by racists including the police and being called all the names u can imagine and even getting battered by racist neighbours, my ex-husband etc. no wonder he was throwing things i would be throwing things too...

If the kid has a father around then hes the one to deal with this insha Allah, boys respond so much better to male role models, and beating him is not the answer, theres something else going on with a kid that angry hes just a person with feelings after all like anyone, and cos hes only 12 means he doesnt know the best way to vent those feelings ( as hes got adult male hormones and an immature boys mind just now) and resorting to smashing things up... well somethings made him very angry Allahu alam, Got to chat with him insha Allah find out whats going on. help him to get a grip on his anger insha Allah.

Nothing wrong at home.. maybe something wrong in school that noone knows about?

[`asiya]

Nothing wrong at home.. maybe something wrong in school that noone knows about?

yes ukhti thats what i mean not necessarily something wrong at home, but something troubling him in some way in his life, and it all just boils up and comes out as anger Allahu alam but its usually the case.

[alld]

yes ukhti thats what i mean not necessarily something wrong at home, but something troubling him in some way in his life, and it all just boils up and comes out as anger Allahu alam but its usually the case.

sah ukhti . it is mostly problems at school that make the kids arrogant . the teachers at school go on complaining about the kids while the same time show no love and affection to the kids . this basically makes the kids arrogant and violent . i think young teachers are needed for lower sections as they are more energetic and caring andconsiderate towrds the kids .
in such cases the kid must be encouraged with gifts so that they can keep studies on track and do not get psychologically damaged.
however if the problem is solely from the kid in absence of any external reasons then they must be dealt differently

[ur_yusra]

Heres another indication..

Child is a different person during school holidays - in fact a complete angel - problems begin only when school starts.

[`asiya]

Heres another indication..

Child is a different person during school holidays - in fact a complete angel - problems begin only when school starts.

says a lot ukhti, id say somethings troubling him in his school life :( may Allah ta ala protect him and give him strength and keep him on the haq amin

[alld]

says a lot ukhti, id say somethings troubling him in his school life :( may Allah ta ala protect him and give him strength and keep him on the haq amin

the piont is simple and straight , the kid is not getting the same love and care
at the school which he gets at home . it is prudent for parents not to obsessed in loving the kids . the home atmosphere gotta be somewhat similar to that of school since we can't expect schools to shower love care and affection aswe do in homes.
khala ji mousi ji dada ji dadi ji take note :)

[ur_yusra]

In school he hangs around with 'bad boys'.

The only way to stop it all is by taking him out of school - but is that the right thing to do? and what after that?

[Reptile]

I think maybe couselling would be good when any clear cause for his disobedience is unknown

[ummbilal]

HOME EDUCATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

http://www.islamichomeeducation.co.uk/

[perfectpearl]

Give em a GREAT whooping that they will never forget....
Next time the come to do something ...they will think twice :D

:torture:

[heaven2002]

reward him when he is good
punish him when hes disobedient by taking away telly, games etc
and speak to his teacher about his behaviour at school
encourage him to hang about with good role models by inviting them round for dinner or on weekend to play with him

[`asiya]

HOME EDUCATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

http://www.islamichomeeducation.co.uk/

jazakiAllahu khairin ukhti, absolutely i agree, if a family has two parents then dont send the poor kids out to school ! i wish i had the option to do this, i saw from the day my eldest son started school what a horrible enviroment it was for him, but as a single parent it wasnt permissible by law for me to home school where i live :( and so my sons went to regular school and have been ruined by it. Teachers and headmasters are a law unto themselves, and many bully the children in class etc. forget the other kids its the teachers i had to constantly worry about when my sons went to school each day. If they take a dislike to a kid they all sit chatting about it in the staff room, then they all take a dislike to the poor child who wonders what on earth he is supposed to have done.

[Medievalist]

How do you deal with naughty boys who are disobedient towards their parents at such a young age and don't care for what is right or wrong and basically do whatever they want?

You speak to them on the level. If they dont understand that lingo then you become the nasty cop and give them a beating. Then you become the nice person again - they refrain atleast in your presence from acting foolish cos 1. they wanna keep you sweet and 2. they dont want another beating.

[dhakiyya]

What if if you do that he starts throwing.. possibly even breaking things?

Do it when he's surrouned by his own things, like in his room. Then ignore it, shut him in the room, (stay to keep the door shut, or get someone to help you shut him in) n don't react. When his temper tantrum calms down sufficiently, let him leave his room. Don't mention the tantrum or the breakages, unless he's broken something thats not his (e.g. bedroom window) - say (completely calmly) that he'll have to pay for it out of his allowance, and sleep in the room despite the broken window, until its repaired. dont wait for him to pay it entirely out of his allowance if that will be a long time, unless its payable from saved up money that he already has - but work out a payment plan that involves having no allowance until the amount is payed off in full. As for his own things that he broke, its up to him whether he buys himself new things from his allowance (when he finally starts recieving it again) or goes without.


Also if any kid this age has a serious anger problem (stroppy mood swings and outbursts are normal, full blown tantrums, fits of rage n throwing stuff, being violent isnt) should be taken for counselling, and/or age appropriate anger management type thing. Some secondary schools offer both these.

[AbuMubarak]

Speak to them about circumcision and how they'll need it again.


crude but really funny

[dhakiyya]

HOME EDUCATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

http://www.islamichomeeducation.co.uk/

I agree :hidban:

provided:

a) the parent doing the educating is well educated themselves (you don't need to be an expert in all school subjects though, you can buy textbooks to teach national curriculum content and teach yourself too as you go along inshaAllah :up: )

b) the kid still gets time to spend with other kids (e.g. at the masjid, sports clubs etc) - in fact it is better as a homeschooling parent, as you have more control over which kids your kid mixes with

c) the parent has the patience to teach their own child. Some people are not naturally good at teaching and lose their patience easily, this will hinder the child's learning as they will feel like a failure when the parent loses their cool, and also it will make them afraid to try. Most other qualities that a teacher needs an intelligent and educated parent can learn as they go along - getting books on how to teach would be a good plan, and also give you tonnes of ideas for activities to do, ways to present new information to your child and so on.

[.: Anna :.]

if it will b too difficult on ur parents to home educate at least what about changing him into a different school? if there any better one that may b an option?

[TEH]

Youre affected by your home..and your friends. At 12, being accepted is a big deal, being a Muslim doesnt mean all that much, unless most of my friends are Muslim of course. If most of my friends are stealing things, then I need to get in the crowd and steal something too..

Dont patronise him, but get on to his level, understand why he does what he does, and sort it out from there. If he has bad friends at school, get him a new bunch of friends...make someone take him to islamic circles and what not, introduce him to somewhere where he can play football on sunday mornings or something with a bunch of muslim bros..

If after you have tried this, then try Teomas method...I hope he prays..

[me.sawda]

:jkk: