Correction

[Te'oma]

I am just interested in how people here use punishments to correct their children. I'll start
My oldest son was about 15 when my wife had put up with enough from him. He had been beligerent and didn't want to bother following any of the rules of the house so I had to deal with him.
I told him that he wasn't welcome in our house until he proved that he wanted to be part of the family. The advantage of living in a small town was that I knew everyone else that he hung with and made sure that no one would take him in. He spent a night sleeping in the laundromat and came back the next day asking if he could come in. I told him that he was welcome but he had to do everything that I asked him to do without question. I handed him a shovel and told him I wanted him to dig a hole as deep as he was tall(the soil get's real rocky about a foot down from the surface and he was almost 6 foot at the time :p) He spent all day digging the hole and finally got it dug as deep as I wanted it. We gave him a sandwich for his dinner knowing that this wouldn't fill him and he started down the hall to his room.
I asked him where he was going and he said that he was going to have a nap but I told him he wasn't done...I wanted the hole filled now. No complaining, he went back out and filled it came back in and slept for almost 20 hours.
That was the end of his teenage rebellion :p

[Lambo5688]

lol nice!

bootcamp style.

[Te'oma]

exactly :D

[Tahiyah]

I am just interested in how people here use punishments to correct their children. I'll start
My oldest son was about 15 when my wife had put up with enough from him. He had been beligerent and didn't want to bother following any of the rules of the house so I had to deal with him.
I told him that he wasn't welcome in our house until he proved that he wanted to be part of the family. The advantage of living in a small town was that I knew everyone else that he hung with and made sure that no one would take him in. He spent a night sleeping in the laundromat and came back the next day asking if he could come in. I told him that he was welcome but he had to do everything that I asked him to do without question. I handed him a shovel and told him I wanted him to dig a hole as deep as he was tall(the soil get's real rocky about a foot down from the surface and he was almost 6 foot at the time :p) He spent all day digging the hole and finally got it dug as deep as I wanted it. We gave him a sandwich for his dinner knowing that this wouldn't fill him and he started down the hall to his room.
I asked him where he was going and he said that he was going to have a nap but I told him he wasn't done...I wanted the hole filled now. No complaining, he went back out and filled it came back in and slept for almost 20 hours.
That was the end of his teenage rebellion :p

could i please send you a few of my kids? i'll pay...

[Te'oma]

could i please send you a few of my kids? i'll pay...

LOL I have done my time :D...one more out of the house and I'm free :banbear:

Actually...I could see it now...Uncle Te's bootcamp for troubled muslim youth :p

[Lambo5688]

Just buy a BB gun. Shoot them when they dont listen. :D

[Te'oma]

Just buy a BB gun. Shoot them when they dont listen. :D


Wouldn't work around here...most of my kids had 22's and Dad's attitude of shooting back when shot at :p

[Lambo5688]

lol

i keep my BB gun and my ninja sword by my bed just in case someone tries to steal my lamborghini memorbilia.

[Tahiyah]

Actually...I could see it now...Uncle Te's bootcamp for troubled muslim youth :p

Actually, I could see that too. ;)

i know your looking forward to the freedom, but te'oma, its obvious with age you have become very educated, experienced and wise on many levels. thats something you have to keep sharing with youth. they deserve you....

[Te'oma]

Actually, I could see that too. ;)

i know your looking forward to the freedom, but te'oma, its obvious with age you have become very educated, experienced and wise on many levels. thats something you have to keep sharing with youth. they deserve you....

LOL you are really desperate for some help aren't you :p

Unfortunately, here in Canada, I believe that those kind of camps are banned now.

[Guvna]

baaahhhh!!!! Lets open one in the remotest parts of your country.. i dont mind coming to give a hand! just give me a small room.. and a chair.. thats all i need! soon have em sorted!! :D

[sunrise]

wow Teoma i don't think i could do something like that, i think i'm too much of a softy i just hope my kids listen to me ( i know dream on Sunrise lol)

[Eemaan]

Uncle Jee what does your son make of the whole incident looking back :D

does he appreciate it now?

no one believe in the odd whack :embar: never does me any harm *rubs ear*

[Guvna]

no one believe in the odd whack :embar: never does me any harm *rubs ear*

thats what im talkin bout!! :coolbro:

[Kal-El]

TV cables were used on me when i was younger. That and the belt, the wooden kitchen spoon, the wall, the radiator etc

[urban_rose]

lol

i keep my BB gun and my ninja sword by my bed just in case someone tries to steal my lamborghini memorbilia.

:rubeyes: is that for real?

[Arsalan]

Lol

When ever i got kicked out of the house by my papps, i go on Jamaat - Tableeghi Jamaat, for 1 or 2 weeks. And then they always call me , asking me to come back. I dont get kicked out any more.

Works every time brothers.

[Niqaabi]

LOL alhumdulillah you were not my father cos im very stubborn and probs run and lock myself in the bathroom so i wouldnt have to dig a hole. :p
My mum used to run after us with a stick when we went out of place but we never got hit cos she was so slow :p we'd run into the bathroom!
My dad never hit us though, it was funny cos he never hit us but if he was in the house we'd be in our best behaviour. And mum would wound run after us with a stick had the hardship of us not listening and defying her.
poor mummy!!

[Fais]

TV cables were used on me when i was younger. That and the belt, the wooden kitchen spoon, the wall, the radiator etc


:rotfl: .. Brings back memorys. Im to big (In height and weight) for anyone to pick on me know MUHAHAHAHHAHH HA HA :rotfl:

[Guvna]

:rotfl: .. Brings back memorys. Im to big (In height and weight) for anyone to pick on me know MUHAHAHAHHAHH HA HA :rotfl:

i wouldn't be so sure on that bwooy!! :rolleyes:

[MMS]

lol i got the belt too

teoma how would u have punished him if he was a girl :p
u wudnt kick her out would u??

[Guvna]

would u have punished him if he was a girl :p
u wudnt kick her out would u??

damnnn right!!! knock seven bells outta em!! can;t be seen to be sexist now can we! :rolleyes:

[Eemaan]

ive waited to tell this story on Oprah but since ive never got an invite here goes:

there was this one time :crying2: my lil sister who was 3 at time was goin through a phase of enjoying running round playing in the nude :smack: one sunday morning an oooooooooold buddha bawa unlce jee came to the hoose, adorned in full orange knee length beard and mahoooosive topi on his head. he sits down and is discussing something with my mum awaiting my dad to make his way downstairs, when instead down comes my lil sister in the buff running around yelping for her breakfast :smack:

:eek:

she got a smack so hard on her nekkit botty we all heard it.
maaaan she cried for days :D shes been ninjafied up ever since :p

and the buddha baawa jee never came to our house again :(

[Guvna]

no wonder YOUR the menace now!! obviously never got a fix did yah! :rolleyes:

[Eemaan]

no wonder YOUR the menace now!! obviously never got a fix did yah! :rolleyes:

ive had enough flying juthees pelted at me to know...

if juthee flinging was an olympic sport, my amee jee would win gold :(

[Guvna]

shame there wasn;t more flying kicks than empty juthees!:torture:

[Ruprecht]

There's a lot more to discipline than beatings or even just punishment in general.

When I was a kid you never interrupted adult conversation, you approached the adults and waited to be acknowledged.
The importance of being silent in certain situations was firmly instituted.
You never referred to adults by their first name.
There was no back talking, and back talk was any spoken response other than a simple affirmative.
The regular daily events had their own rules.
For instance dinner time...
Washing your hands before joining the table.
Giving thanks before eating.
Eating everything on your plate (unless ill).
Asking permission to leave the table when finished.
Then there was the standards for personal grooming, for making your bed etc

I'm a firm believer in discipline, punishment is just a small part of it.

[Fais]

i wouldn't be so sure on that bwooy!! :rolleyes:

Dude ... I would crush you man.

[Eemaan]

Dude ... I would crush you man.

agreed, hes 6'1 and eats nawt but fish and chips ...be afraid guv :nervous:

[Kal-El]

There's a lot more to discipline than beatings or even just punishment in general.

When I was a kid you never interrupted adult conversation, you approached the adults and waited to be acknowledged.
The importance of being silent in certain situations was firmly instituted.
You never referred to adults by their first name.
There was no back talking, and back talk was any spoken response other than a simple affirmative.
The regular daily events had their own rules.
For instance dinner time...
Washing your hands before joining the table.
Giving thanks before eating.
Eating everything on your plate (unless ill).
Asking permission to leave the table when finished.
Then there was the standards for personal grooming, for making your bed etc

I'm a firm believer in discipline, punishment is just a small part of it.

That's how I'd raise the brats if I get any :coolbro:

[dhakiyya]

There's a lot more to discipline than beatings or even just punishment in general.

When I was a kid you never interrupted adult conversation, you approached the adults and waited to be acknowledged.
The importance of being silent in certain situations was firmly instituted.
You never referred to adults by their first name.
There was no back talking, and back talk was any spoken response other than a simple affirmative.
The regular daily events had their own rules.
For instance dinner time...
Washing your hands before joining the table.
Giving thanks before eating.
Eating everything on your plate (unless ill).
Asking permission to leave the table when finished.
Then there was the standards for personal grooming, for making your bed etc

I'm a firm believer in discipline.

:up: There is a lack of this kind of thing with today's youth. HOwever I would make the following points:

- Making kids eat everything on their plate can in some people trigger bad habits that lead to adult obesity. Also, forcing kids to eat food they don't like, particularly when they are very young, causes them to develop food phobias, this has happened to several members of my family including me and my brother (fascist dinner ladies at school lol) and also my nan, who cannot eat quite a wide range of foods because of this. Some obese people have a problem with food as they never learned to judge how hungry they were, they simply ate all of what is put in front of them, so they don't know when to stop eating.

A better approach would be to allow the child to decide how much of the meal they are going to eat, and then to eat it all, and have seconds if they want. A good approach that my mum took at home, is to cook a meal, and if me or my brother didn't want to eat the meal, the alternative was bread and margarine. That way we were not being forced to eat something we really didn't want, but the alternative to the meal was very boring and not filling. (BTW I don't remember any time either of us chose to eat bread and margarine)

- another important point, whilst I complete agree with the "no backchat" rule, there does need to be open (polite!) communication between everyone in the family. This is vital in order for children to come to their parents when they have problems. If, as Muslims living in non Muslim countries, we don't have this communication with our children, then they will be having it with non Muslims instead. Whatever ones religion, if the child is facing problems, we need to be able to help them deal with them. No parent would want their child to suffer alone, afraid to tell anyone, if something very bad happened to them.

This open communication needs to be respectful on both sides. I have never sworn at my mother in my life that I recall, and she has never sworn at me. All the kids I went to school with who swore at their parents (which shocked me btw), their parents swore at them (this also shocked me).

[dhakiyya]

LOL alhumdulillah you were not my father cos im very stubborn and probs run and lock myself in the bathroom so i wouldnt have to dig a hole. :p
My mum used to run after us with a stick when we went out of place but we never got hit cos she was so slow :p we'd run into the bathroom!
My dad never hit us though, it was funny cos he never hit us but if he was in the house we'd be in our best behaviour. And mum would wound run after us with a stick had the hardship of us not listening and defying her.
poor mummy!!

This exemplifies a very important point about discipline. Hitting a kid, nor time out, nor any other punishment on its own, will discipline a kid (this is kind of what Rupecht was saying innit)

The most important factor is consistency. The rules should stay the same, unless you sit the child down and explain the new rule(s). The punishment should stay the same (or specific punishments for specific rules, so long as the specifics stay the same), the number of warnings between breaking the rule and being punished should be low (preferably just one) and should always be the same. And NO always means NO. It should be so much the same that the kid hardly ever gets punished, because they consider rule breaking to be akin to banging their head against a wall, because the KNOW they will be punished for it.

the exact punishment then does not matter so much. It needs to be age appropriate, and for children under 7 yrs (approx, depending on emotional maturity of the child) the punishment needs to be immediate. (otherwise they don't link the punishment with the offence in their mind). Smacking kids is immediate, and within a proper, consistent discipline system does not damage the child. In fact I used to work with a teacher who used smacking as discipline for her two young children (then aged 6 and 4), and she was sooooooo consistent that she almost never smacked them, because they never disobeyed her after being warned. Cause they knew there was only two possible outcomes following a warning, either they complied immediately or they got whooped immediately.

That said, I'm not in favour of smacking because I got smacked and it gave me this attitude that you could settle disputes by hitting the other person. For that reason I don't intend using smacking on my daughter inshaAllah.

[Ruprecht]

:up: There is a lack of this kind of thing with today's youth. HOwever I would make the following points:

- Making kids eat everything on their plate can in some people trigger bad habits that lead to adult obesity. Also, forcing kids to eat food they don't like, particularly when they are very young, causes them to develop food phobias, this has happened to several members of my family including me and my brother (fascist dinner ladies at school lol) and also my nan, who cannot eat quite a wide range of foods because of this. Some obese people have a problem with food as they never learned to judge how hungry they were, they simply ate all of what is put in front of them, so they don't know when to stop eating.

A better approach would be to allow the child to decide how much of the meal they are going to eat, and then to eat it all, and have seconds if they want. A good approach that my mum took at home, is to cook a meal, and if me or my brother didn't want to eat the meal, the alternative was bread and margarine. That way we were not being forced to eat something we really didn't want, but the alternative to the meal was very boring and not filling. (BTW I don't remember any time either of us chose to eat bread and margarine)

- another important point, whilst I complete agree with the "no backchat" rule, there does need to be open (polite!) communication between everyone in the family. This is vital in order for children to come to their parents when they have problems. If, as Muslims living in non Muslim countries, we don't have this communication with our children, then they will be having it with non Muslims instead. Whatever ones religion, if the child is facing problems, we need to be able to help them deal with them. No parent would want their child to suffer alone, afraid to tell anyone, if something very bad happened to them.

This open communication needs to be respectful on both sides. I have never sworn at my mother in my life that I recall, and she has never sworn at me. All the kids I went to school with who swore at their parents (which shocked me btw), their parents swore at them (this also shocked me).

To put things in context, I was mainly talking about boarding school.

Of course there were exceptions to the "eat everything on your plate" rule. Allergies for one. You could ask for a smaller serving of stuff you didn't like.
I actually had a complete exemption from eating Gula Malaka (little sago balls in sweet coconut syrup). Even though I liked the taste, the sensation made me vomit after even a single teaspoon (I love it now though).
Maybe it can have negative effects... but in my case it's left me with a willingness to give all food a try and I cringe at wastefullness.
It's surprising how much it bothers me when I eat with a family and their kids don't eat their meal. Especially if I see them snacking on rubbish later. Lack of discipline...

Of course open communication is a must. I feel however that respect for the parents authority must always be present.
I cringe when I hear kids call their parents by their first names... adults too for that matter.

[`asiya]

There's a lot more to discipline than beatings or even just punishment in general.

When I was a kid you never interrupted adult conversation, you approached the adults and waited to be acknowledged.
The importance of being silent in certain situations was firmly instituted.
You never referred to adults by their first name.
There was no back talking, and back talk was any spoken response other than a simple affirmative.
The regular daily events had their own rules.
For instance dinner time...
Washing your hands before joining the table.
Giving thanks before eating.
Eating everything on your plate (unless ill).
Asking permission to leave the table when finished.
Then there was the standards for personal grooming, for making your bed etc

I'm a firm believer in discipline, punishment is just a small part of it.

yep masha Allah this is how i was raised ( although not in a boarding school ) , and with a few good slaps along the way and it never did me any harm, it instilled good manners, and politeness in me as a basic moral principle, i rarely stepped out of line, for fear of the beatings, so its a good thing in my opinion, i used to smack my sons ( according to their age and severity of the bad bahaviour) only when necessary from about the age of 6 - 9 ( and only maybe once a month-ish) there was no need for it after that.

When they got older then i hit em where it hurts in the pocket :up:witholding money from kids is the best punishment for older ones, teens always need a few quid in their pockets to go pizza shop or the chippy or whatever with their mates, so just say ok thats it no money for a week or two, and make them do loads of extra chores if they want it reinstated, and they`ll remember not to play u up again. my kids havent given me any nonsense for about 2 years now Alhamdulillah seems im through the worst of it now.

[dhakiyya]

To put things in context, I was mainly talking about boarding school.

Of course there were exceptions to the "eat everything on your plate" rule. Allergies for one. You could ask for a smaller serving of stuff you didn't like.
I actually had a complete exemption from eating Gula Malaka (little sago balls in sweet coconut syrup). Even though I liked the taste, the sensation made me vomit after even a single teaspoon (I love it now though).
Maybe it can have negative effects... but in my case it's left me with a willingness to give all food a try and I cringe at wastefullness.
It's surprising how much it bothers me when I eat with a family and their kids don't eat their meal. Especially if I see them snacking on rubbish later. Lack of discipline...

Of course open communication is a must. I feel however that respect for the parents authority must always be present.
I cringe when I hear kids call their parents by their first names... adults too for that matter.

I thought it sounded like boarding school. :p The food rules they have there seem quite fair. I can't eat mashed potato, even though l like every other way of cooking potato, and bizarrely I can eat mashed potato on top of something like shepherds pie, but I can't eat it on its own, because of being forced to eat it day in day out by our schools fascist dinner ladies. My brother can't eat baked beans or any other whole pulse for the same reason.

Another thing with the food at our school, it was very low quality. The stuff I didn't like was their vegetables (all tinned in salt) and instant mash (it was too salty and lumpy, unfortunately the experience means I can't cope with proper mashed potato either :() and really dire low quality meat (including spam), I wasn't raised Muslim so I had to eat all those really cheap, disgusting very low quality pig meats like spam and cheap sausages full of gristle. I even went vegetarian so I didn't have to eat school meat any more. To make things worse, the dinner ladies used to be disparaging to "fussy eaters" by claiming that we didn't like it because we ate junk at home. However it was the opposite in my case, I ate home grown well cooked vegetables at home, the stuff we got served at school was disgusting, overcooked and swimming in salt. This we were forced to eat. I'm pretty sure that I was forced to eat BSE infested meat, because this is the mid 80s whilst cow offal was being ground up and fed to other cows, or to school children in burgers. I'm sure if the school had served up good food I wouldn't have needed to be forced to eat.

I totally agree with your point on snacking. If kids snack on junk its no surprise that they don't finish their meals. Then they want more snacks and its a vicious circle. (not to mention very unhealthy) Under 5's need sceduled snacks of small amounts of fruit or a drink of milk or something, beyond that, if they don't eat one meal, there's nothing until the next.

I agree about calling parents by first names!! I'm sure I'd have got a clip round the ear if I did that when I was a kid. Also I'm inshaAllah teaching my daughter to address other adults as Auntie ---- or Uncle ----- because its more respectful. Not sure how she should address non Muslim adults, maybe I'll insist on Mr --- or Mrs ---.

[dhakiyya]

Another point, I think that a lot of parents wait too long before they start disciplining their children. When I was a kid I borrowed my mum's copy of Dr Spock's baby and child care and read all of it :p the following I remember from this book, and mashaAllah I'm using this technique with my 9 month old daughter and mashaAllah, she already understands the word "NO", and stops in her tracks when I say it mashaAllah (usually lol :p)

I was advised by a sister I know who mashaAllah has two excellent practicing teenage children, to have something in the room where my daughter plays, that she is not allowed to touch, so she can learn the word "no". Then I remembered what I read in Dr Spock lol :p So Ruqayya is not allowed to touch any wires or things with wires (like the phone and modem and attached wires on a low table within her reach) and she's not allowed to touch mummy and daddy's eating things, in case - Allah forbid! - she should spill scalding hot food or drink on herself. We don't ever leave scalding stuff within her reach unless we are right there with her, but I felt this is an important rule to teach her.

First few times she touched the food stuff or wires, I picked her up, said "NO" loudly and plonked her down again away from them. (n she cry :crying: ) Then, if she goes near to them, I say "NO" in the same way, n she looks at me. If she continues to try to touch the thing I pick her up etc as above, and if she moves away after I say no, I tell her she's a good girl for doing what mummy (or daddy) said :love:

Me and my husband have been doing this since she learned to crawl, about three or four weeks ago, and mashaAllah, she will usually stop in her tracks if I say no. (n I pick her up as described above if she doesn't)

So far it has worked better for wires, she (usually) will walk round holding the lil phone table and not touch any of the wires. She even went to get a toy from under the table, and didn't touch the wires. She doesn't get staying away from food stuff so well, probably because she really really wants to eat the food lol :p

[.: Anna :.]

:up: dhakiyya those kind of tips are pretty useful i think.

with the food i agree u have to have balance, forcing them to eat everything when they really do not want to can lead to eating problems.. as u said obesity but also can cause food phobia leading to anorexia in later life, i saw this once on house of tiny tearaways a little girl had like food phobia and even at a young age developed will power 2 go without food for really long amount of time. so they were telling the parents to not make the dinner table too traumatic for her by forcing many new foods and giving too much pressure or she will definately get anorexic.
but as for the snacking i agree, best is not to have the snack items in the house if possible or keep em in a certain place. also enforcing rule that they are not allowed 2 just go and get food items from the kitchen randomly and eat it. my mum never allowed us to do that and i think if they do allow it sometimes the kids jst go and eat all the buscuits or junk instead of meals.

what ruprecht said is also good 2 an extent, to have definate boundaries and rules and routine is beneficial but needs to be done in a kindly way, not so that they become intimidated by parents and dont feel open 2 come 2 them for help or to talk. i dnt feel its good to make parents or disapline figures seem to frightening or unapproachable.

[ummbilal]

We use differnt methods with different children, my eldest is 11 so we're not quite at the hole digging stage yet!, The younger two get time outs and told off, little man gets a smack sometimes when hes doing somthing dangerous but generally he goes and sits on the bottem step for a few mins till hes ready to apologise and behave, my eldest have privilages taken away eg no TV or computer games etc..

I dont forse my children to finsih whats on their plates i agree it doesnt do any good, i ask my children to try new foods and if they dont like it thats fine, i wouldnt like to be forsed to eat something i didnt like, my parents did it with us and it wasnt plesent at all.

we keep fruit for snacking between meals and all my kids love salad

[Ruprecht]

I thought it sounded like boarding school. :p The food rules they have there seem quite fair. I can't eat mashed potato, even though l like every other way of cooking potato, and bizarrely I can eat mashed potato on top of something like shepherds pie, but I can't eat it on its own, because of being forced to eat it day in day out by our schools fascist dinner ladies. My brother can't eat baked beans or any other whole pulse for the same reason.

Another thing with the food at our school, it was very low quality. The stuff I didn't like was their vegetables (all tinned in salt) and instant mash (it was too salty and lumpy, unfortunately the experience means I can't cope with proper mashed potato either :() and really dire low quality meat (including spam), I wasn't raised Muslim so I had to eat all those really cheap, disgusting very low quality pig meats like spam and cheap sausages full of gristle. I even went vegetarian so I didn't have to eat school meat any more. To make things worse, the dinner ladies used to be disparaging to "fussy eaters" by claiming that we didn't like it because we ate junk at home. However it was the opposite in my case, I ate home grown well cooked vegetables at home, the stuff we got served at school was disgusting, overcooked and swimming in salt. This we were forced to eat. I'm pretty sure that I was forced to eat BSE infested meat, because this is the mid 80s whilst cow offal was being ground up and fed to other cows, or to school children in burgers. I'm sure if the school had served up good food I wouldn't have needed to be forced to eat.

I totally agree with your point on snacking. If kids snack on junk its no surprise that they don't finish their meals. Then they want more snacks and its a vicious circle. (not to mention very unhealthy) Under 5's need sceduled snacks of small amounts of fruit or a drink of milk or something, beyond that, if they don't eat one meal, there's nothing until the next.

I agree about calling parents by first names!! I'm sure I'd have got a clip round the ear if I did that when I was a kid. Also I'm inshaAllah teaching my daughter to address other adults as Auntie ---- or Uncle ----- because its more respectful. Not sure how she should address non Muslim adults, maybe I'll insist on Mr --- or Mrs ---.

You can't eat mashed potato... but... aren't you "white"? :p

I was taught to call family friends aunty ____ and uncle _____.
A good compromise, except that now I still feel a little weird about calling them by their first names!

[Tahiyah]

my older sister had a shoe that i am pretty sure she trained to be a boomerang. she could whip that thing at anyone who annoyed her, biff them in the head with it, and then have it return back to her, blow on in it to cool it off, and then put it back on her foot... :rolleyes:

[*IslamicGirl*]

:start:

:salams


I have a 6 year old brother who can misbehave (as boys do) and my parents have mostly left the discipling up to me- i have a rule not to use violence but the trick to discipline is simple- every child loves something and will do quite a bit to get that thing.

My brother loves various things- chocolates, spider man comics, books and games on my phone- if he misbehaves i simply ban him for about a day or less saying if he behaves maybe i can change my mind- i get confirmation from my mother if he has behaved while i'm at work then he gets to do/play his favourite activity.

I don't belive violence solves much - teenagers maybe different but with a careful upbringing especially keeping note and keeping contact with your teenager's friends (especially boys) things can go a bit smoother Allah-willing.


One needs to be more alert and more involved in a teenage boys life than a girls and that's what :insha: i will do - i'll make sure i know who my brother's main friends are- if he goes out- where he goes and what time i can expect him back and a contact number for emergencies.

:wswrwb:

[dhakiyya]

You can't eat mashed potato... but... aren't you "white"? :p

I was taught to call family friends aunty ____ and uncle _____.
A good compromise, except that now I still feel a little weird about calling them by their first names!

lol yeah I'm a whitey :p I can't eat trad English bangers n mash cause I'd :vomit: @ the mash n the bangers (pork obviously) are haram lol

But I was thinking that I should get some gourmet chef to do mashed spud for me "in disguise" n call it something like creme de pomme de terre lol :p perhaps served with good quality halal meat sausages lol (bangeur de mouton halal avec les herbs) lol :p

Yeah, inshaAllah probs will have Ruqayya calling everyone auntie n uncle lol :p apart from granny n grandad

[Ruprecht]

what ruprecht said is also good 2 an extent, to have definate boundaries and rules and routine is beneficial but needs to be done in a kindly way, not so that they become intimidated by parents and dont feel open 2 come 2 them for help or to talk. i dnt feel its good to make parents or disapline figures seem to frightening or unapproachable.

Don't get the idea that my parents were really stern.
Pair of softies both of them. They just provided a lot of structure for my life.
They stopped using physical discipline with me when I was quite young because it stopped being effective, longer with my brother though.
Mind you Dad would never smack us if he was angry.
If he was mad he'd wait till he was calm and then smack us... the waiting was the worst!

[dhakiyya]

There is a definite balance to be struck. It is very important to meet the emotional needs of the child, giving them praise, attention, listening to them, having fun with them. However this needs to be done within clear boundaries, with unpleasant and consistent consequences for stepping over them. Western society at the moment does not have the correct balance. A generation or two ago, many parents did not meet their childrens emotional needs, the children grew up with only strictness and not enough affection, praise, encouragement and positive attention, which was damaging for them (of course not all families were like this, but there was a trend in that direction) - now the pendulum has swung completely the other way. Children are growing up with plenty of expressed love, attention, praise, encouragement, space to be creative and so on, but there are many parents who don't set any boundaries, have little or no idea how to set boundaries, and so there are a huge number of spoiled kids who think they can just do whatever they like and have whatever they like, regardless of the effect this has on others.

The balance needs to be brought back so that kids have both strictly enforced clear boundaries, which include being taught to respect other people, property etc, and also they need expressed love, affection, praise, encouragement, space to be creative, caring parents they can turn to if they have a problem, and so on.

[Lambo5688]

So who hasn't got hit by a wooden spoon?

[Lambo5688]

:rubeyes: is that for real?

lol yea it is. well not just for my lamborghini stuff ofcourse.

[MG]

So who hasn't got hit by a wooden spoon?


Me :D

[Lambo5688]

Me :D

vat! ur an outkast! :rotfl:

[MG]

vat! ur an outkast! :rotfl:


i love being an outcast, ooohhh but i always watched my sisters get hit by the spoon :D

[Lambo5688]

i love being an outcast, ooohhh but i always watched my sisters get hit by the spoon :D

we should ship you off to a remote island. Where you can live like Tom Hanks and have a volleyball, or if thats not available, a coconut as your best friend. And you can make your own little masjid out of palm trees.

[$HugoBoss$]

I'm lucky i never got beat and i never raised my voice when speaking to my parents, to much love for them to hurt their feelings :inlove:

[dhakiyya]

So who hasn't got hit by a wooden spoon?

I don't remember ever being hit with a wooden spoon, or any other impliment. Possibly my dad may have hit me with a newspaper but that would be more like in a jokey way, if he hit me proper like as a punishment it was with his hand. I don't really remember to be honest...

[Lambo5688]

I don't remember ever being hit with a wooden spoon, or any other impliment. Possibly my dad may have hit me with a newspaper but that would be more like in a jokey way, if he hit me proper like as a punishment it was with his hand. I don't really remember to be honest...

lol alot of paki kids get hit by a wooden spoon by their mothers. I mean, you haven't lived your childhood if you havn't got hit by the spoon. :rotfl:

Its actually fun running away.

[MG]

lol alot of paki kids get hit by a wooden spoon by their mothers. I mean, you haven't lived your childhood if you havn't got hit by the spoon. :rotfl:

Its actually fun running away.


judging by evryones responses, sounds like your the abnormal one, dont worry we will get u some counselling :p

[Lambo5688]

judging by evryones responses, sounds like your the abnormal one, dont worry we will get u sone counselling :p

why dont u go and play with ur coconut friend? :rolleyes:

[muslimah85]

Never got hit by neither my mum or dad. Alhamdullilah :)

Always wondered how it would feel to get hit :p

[MG]

why dont u go and play with ur coconut friend? :rolleyes:

see? abnormal

[Lambo5688]

Never got hit by neither my mum or dad. Alhamdullilah :)

Always wondered how it would feel to get hit :p

hmm...well maybe cuz your a girl. i bet most of the guys have got hit.

My mom would hit me only when me and my sisters would fight and keep on fighting and she couldn't take it anymore.

[ibn suleman]

hmm...well maybe cuz your a girl. i bet most of the guys have got hit.

My mom would hit me only when me and my sisters would fight and keep on fighting and she couldn't take it anymore.

i never got hit either by my parents alhumdulillah...although they still tell me they will one day :D

now mosque was a diff story...thats where discipline took place :rubeyes:

[dhakiyya]

lol alot of paki kids get hit by a wooden spoon by their mothers. I mean, you haven't lived your childhood if you havn't got hit by the spoon. :rotfl:

Its actually fun running away.

I never ran away from my dad if he was angry with me... that would mean 50x worse punishment when i got caught!!

[Lambo5688]

I never ran away from my dad if he was angry with me... that would mean 50x worse punishment when i got caught!!

lol. My dad never hit me.....my mom would get me with the spoon....but then I realized that I can just run....lol then she would just give up and tell me to eat something.

[dhakiyya]

lol. My dad never hit me.....my mom would get me with the spoon....but then I realized that I can just run....lol then she would just give up and tell me to eat something.

see thats the difference. My mum never hit me, she would hardly shout at me. She'd be the one to make you feel guilty for something, whilst my dad was the one that hit you for it lol

[Lambo5688]

see thats the difference. My mum never hit me, she would hardly shout at me. She'd be the one to make you feel guilty for something, whilst my dad was the one that hit you for it lol

ooo i rather get hit than get the "dissapointed" look on my mom's face. Makes you feel soo bad.

[Eemaan]

ooo i rather get hit than get the "dissapointed" look on my mom's face. Makes you feel soo bad.

'the look' oh *dies* :(

[Lambo5688]

'the look' oh *dies* :(

yup..exactly what I mean. :(

[ibn suleman]

my mum just said shes gonna hit me if i dont go to sleep :D

was-salaamu alaykum :outta:

[souljaa]

my mum just said shes gonna hit me if i dont go to sleep :D

was-salaamu alaykum :outta:

Walikum Salaam :D

[carol_au]

You can't eat mashed potato... but... aren't you "white"? :p

I was taught to call family friends aunty ____ and uncle _____.
A good compromise, except that now I still feel a little weird about calling them by their first names!

Hehe Ruprecht,

You and me the same, and I still have problems calling even my real aunties and uncles by their first names.. I don't think I'll ever stop that.. and older people I used to call mr and mrs... i still do. :) I think that that will never chance, to much respect for them

[sunrise]

ooo i rather get hit than get the "dissapointed" look on my mom's face. Makes you feel soo bad.


ohh i hate that!

For me my dad always gave threats that he would hit us but he hardly ever carried it through but when he did you know you did something baddd.

My mum was the one who did but they never hurt so like lambo said just leg it!:outta:

[carol_au]

:up:

This open communication needs to be respectful on both sides. I have never sworn at my mother in my life that I recall, and she has never sworn at me. All the kids I went to school with who swore at their parents (which shocked me btw), their parents swore at them (this also shocked me).

Absolutely essential dhakiyya. Not only have I teenage sons myself (and in my opinion very good boys :) ), but also I work with teenagers every day who have had abused backgrounds. They get up to all sorts of mischief and have many issues, and it's always a real thrill to see them respond to you appropriately and with respect when they can't relate to most adults (or anyone else for that matter).

It's that mutual respect that is the key to EVERYTHING. Respect them and expect them to respect you. It might take a while, but it pays off in the end.

[sunrise]

subhanAllah i could never swear at my parents not on my life!!!!!

That' soo disrespectful even if you had bad parents...good parenting is essential

May Allah (swt) improve us in all aspects of our lives and carry out teh correct duties towards others inshAllah

[Lambo5688]

hmm I dont think any muslim would swear at his/her parents. Thats just really bad...

[souljaa]

hmm I dont think any muslim would swear at his/her parents. Thats just really bad...

Believe it or not bro...Many muslims nowadays swear at their parents and call them things you'd never want to hear :(

[Masumah]

rite if i ever have a child i will ask advice off u :up:...in my house u get a smack...but that dont work cos dey get it soo often and its soo light dat d kids are js used to it.

I am just interested in how people here use punishments to correct their children. I'll start
My oldest son was about 15 when my wife had put up with enough from him. He had been beligerent and didn't want to bother following any of the rules of the house so I had to deal with him.
I told him that he wasn't welcome in our house until he proved that he wanted to be part of the family. The advantage of living in a small town was that I knew everyone else that he hung with and made sure that no one would take him in. He spent a night sleeping in the laundromat and came back the next day asking if he could come in. I told him that he was welcome but he had to do everything that I asked him to do without question. I handed him a shovel and told him I wanted him to dig a hole as deep as he was tall(the soil get's real rocky about a foot down from the surface and he was almost 6 foot at the time :p) He spent all day digging the hole and finally got it dug as deep as I wanted it. We gave him a sandwich for his dinner knowing that this wouldn't fill him and he started down the hall to his room.
I asked him where he was going and he said that he was going to have a nap but I told him he wasn't done...I wanted the hole filled now. No complaining, he went back out and filled it came back in and slept for almost 20 hours.
That was the end of his teenage rebellion :p

[Te'oma]

lol i got the belt too

teoma how would u have punished him if he was a girl :p
u wudnt kick her out would u??

dang straight I would and have done. If they don't want to be part of the family and pull their own weight then there's the door. Once kids are past the age of 8 or 9 then they are more then capable of doing chores. Of course kicking them out is an extreme option and a last resort. Usually it's a case of, "if your chores aren't done, there won't be a plate at the table for you" That get's stepped up to stripping out their room so they wind up sleeping on the floor without blankets or pillows and then the "out the door" if they fail to smarten up.
It sounds harsh but I have seen way too many kids hit the street without a clue on how to take care of themselves and absolutely zero work ethic. IMHO it's better to be harsh with them when they are young then allow them to learn it all on their own. Oh yeah...in my house, there are no girl jobs and there are no boy jobs either. That way the boys learn to cook and clean at the same time that the girls are taking out the trash or raking the dog dirt in the yard.
For those that suggest hitting the kids...never happened in my home. The wife and I have a deal that we do not punish the kids when we are mad and we don't allow the kids to make us mad. We just made their lives difficult until they decided that they wanted to conform because it was easier then fighting us. IMHO if you use physical force against a child, you create a kid that's going to want to rebel. If you force them to reason then it is their decision to play by the rules.
My son and 2 oldest daughters have actually all thanked my wife and I for teaching them this way because getting out on their own was so much easier for them then it was for their friends.

[Te'oma]

Believe it or not bro...Many muslims nowadays swear at their parents and call them things you'd never want to hear :(

The minute my kids raise their voices to us, the conversation is over and they are in their rooms. If they are going to pull temper tantrums and act like children then they are going to be treated as children. If they choose to discuss like adults then we will always take the time to listen to what they have to say.

[me.sawda]

I correct my younger brother by giving him examples first if not working I scold him and that's what works:rolleyes:
In my childhood I was hardly beaten or scolded cause I always used to hide in the closet or beneath the bed when I saw mom's angry or mad at my elder brother . Poor elder brother:( he used to get scolded often for not studding or other mischievous deeds. Even he was asked to leave the house immediately and he was exiled out of the house. I used to give him food silently on those hours.
Now those days are over 'n I'm on the place to give some treat to the younger one:D :D

[imran1976]

I never ran away from my dad if he was angry with me... that would mean 50x worse punishment when i got caught!!

ya thats true, my brother used to ran away & he exactly used to get xtimes worse punishment ........

[stephenoskie]

wow i was really bad to my mother, when i was younger but since i reverted my attitude has slowly imporved, dont get me wrong im not an angel but im trying. you know ever since i was little my mother has allowed me to disrepect her, and its a habit but inshallah i wana stop all of this because i wana treat my mother like a queen, and im disgusted with myself at the fact thta i have treated my mother the way i have.
my mother bort all 6 kids by her self, she deserves a medal.

I love you ma :love: :love: :love: :love:

[`asiya]

wow i was really bad to my mother, when i was younger but since i reverted my attitude has slowly imporved, dont get me wrong im not an angel but im trying. you know ever since i was little my mother has allowed me to disrepect her, and its a habit but inshallah i wana stop all of this because i wana treat my mother like a queen, and im disgusted with myself at the fact thta i have treated my mother the way i have.
my mother bort all 6 kids by her self, she deserves a medal.

I love you ma :love: :love: :love: :love:

awwww jazakiAllahu khairin amin may Allah ta ala guide them all to al Islam by ur good example amin :love:

[Cashew]

Te'oma has some excellent points about not correcting a child while you're angry.

It teaches the kid to act on emotion rather than reason. (Or, on "impulse" rather than "thought.")

That said, even in my advanced years, I still have no understanding of why some kids are easy and others are difficult. I think that as I get older, I'm coming down more in favor of "nature" as opposed to "nurture."

I mean, I've seen it happen too many times.

There are kids who pop out of the womb, look around, smile, have a generally "Glad to meet you! I'm glad to be here!" attitude. And there are kids who pop out of the womb, look around, scream, frown, and have a generally, "This isn't exactly my idea of a good time" attitude.

Everything's pretty obvious by the time the kid is one-year old.

[Reptile]

i never got hit either by my parents alhumdulillah...although they still tell me they will one day :D

now mosque was a diff story...thats where discipline took place :rubeyes:


:rotfl: the mosque was the place to get beatss the women were the worst i was once got chased with a meter ruler stick, pinched..
mcdonald sticks were deadly, tree branches, some crazy ones even bent your finger, only the guys tho, oh one crazy we had would put people in the electricy room :smack: complete wacko
and use his belt only if u swore ahh those were the days

[dhakiyya]

dang straight I would and have done. If they don't want to be part of the family and pull their own weight then there's the door. Once kids are past the age of 8 or 9 then they are more then capable of doing chores. Of course kicking them out is an extreme option and a last resort. Usually it's a case of, "if your chores aren't done, there won't be a plate at the table for you" That get's stepped up to stripping out their room so they wind up sleeping on the floor without blankets or pillows and then the "out the door" if they fail to smarten up.
It sounds harsh but I have seen way too many kids hit the street without a clue on how to take care of themselves and absolutely zero work ethic. IMHO it's better to be harsh with them when they are young then allow them to learn it all on their own. Oh yeah...in my house, there are no girl jobs and there are no boy jobs either. That way the boys learn to cook and clean at the same time that the girls are taking out the trash or raking the dog dirt in the yard.
For those that suggest hitting the kids...never happened in my home. The wife and I have a deal that we do not punish the kids when we are mad and we don't allow the kids to make us mad. We just made their lives difficult until they decided that they wanted to conform because it was easier then fighting us. IMHO if you use physical force against a child, you create a kid that's going to want to rebel. If you force them to reason then it is their decision to play by the rules.
My son and 2 oldest daughters have actually all thanked my wife and I for teaching them this way because getting out on their own was so much easier for them then it was for their friends.

I so agree with all the points you make here mashaAllah :)

Also, my parents didn't do the boy/girl chores thing either. My brother can cook, clean, use a washing machine, repair clothes etc, and I can paint, wallpaper, use tools, fix stuff around the home n lots of other things like that mashaAllah :up: (well inshaAllah we can both do both but u see my point lol)

[Te'oma]

Te'oma has some excellent points about not correcting a child while you're angry.

It teaches the kid to act on emotion rather than reason. (Or, on "impulse" rather than "thought.")

That said, even in my advanced years, I still have no understanding of why some kids are easy and others are difficult. I think that as I get older, I'm coming down more in favor of "nature" as opposed to "nurture."

I mean, I've seen it happen too many times.

There are kids who pop out of the womb, look around, smile, have a generally "Glad to meet you! I'm glad to be here!" attitude. And there are kids who pop out of the womb, look around, scream, frown, and have a generally, "This isn't exactly my idea of a good time" attitude.

Everything's pretty obvious by the time the kid is one-year old.

I agree 100%...I firmly believe that kids come hardwired already...it's the only way to explain how two boys can come from the same family, one being a total reprobate while the other is a rhoads scholar. I was discussing this awhile back with my brother, the rhoads scholar, and he agrees :p

[Songbird]

And obviously Mr Bush Tuckerman Te'oma isn't a Rhodes Scholar :D

[Te'oma]

And obviously Mr Bush Tuckerman Te'oma isn't a Rhodes Scholar :D

:embar:

[Songbird]

Spell embarrassment :D

[Saadet]

LOL you are really desperate for some help aren't you :p

Unfortunately, here in Canada, I believe that those kind of camps are banned now.

Bro, I'm sure that if the authorities allow Bountiful, BC to continuing their crazy cult, we could get away with a bootcamp..

[Te'oma]

LOL yeah this is true but honestly...how long do you really think it would last...bootcamp for muslim kids? :p think about it...been paintballing lately?

[dhakiyya]

Just reminded me of something.... when I first converted to Islam mashaAllah in Wales, a brother who runs an organic sheep farm invited everyone to his farm for archery lessons mashaAllah, another brother who was an expert horseback archer taught us :up: mashaAllah it was fun :up: though there were a few jokes about if the authorities see it they might think its some al qaida training camp lol :rolleyes:

though the expert horseback archer was arrested at the airport on the way home :( his home was raided, just because he was a Muslim and had archery bows :mad: no other reason. His profession was to do horseback archery shows n teach the history of archery to kids n stuff :(

[Te'oma]

Now that is pathetic...truly pathetic. Have to wonder if they actually managed to make a charge that stuck or if he was released

[Ruprecht]

Now that is pathetic...truly pathetic. Have to wonder if they actually managed to make a charge that stuck or if he was released

The house raid is a bit weak... but you'd get arrested here for carrying any potential weapon on a plane without declaring it and going through the proper rigmarole. Muslim or not.
You should hear some of the stories martial arts instructors have...
Even fake weapons.
In my own experience I've had a couple of run ins with customs. Even pre-"War on terror" they kicked up a stink and confiscated a purely decorative Kris. They also wanted to charge me hundreds of dollars to test whether my uchiko was full of coke!

[`asiya]

Now that is pathetic...truly pathetic. Have to wonder if they actually managed to make a charge that stuck or if he was released

they put one of our best islamic teachers ali al timimi in jail for 200 years or something stupid for going paintballing .. or whatever they call it when u shoot paint pellets at each other. gotta watch what u do these days if your a muslim...

[dhakiyya]

Now that is pathetic...truly pathetic. Have to wonder if they actually managed to make a charge that stuck or if he was released

What gets me is the fact it was bows n arrows. When was the last time someone rode through the houses of parliament on horseback n tried to take out the prime minister with a bow and arrow? Or anywhere or anyone else for that matter lol :p

[Te'oma]

In their defence though...a broadhead arrow will penetrate a bullet proof vest if fired from a compound bow

[Irfan GBH]

In their defence though...a broadhead arrow will penetrate a bullet proof vest if fired from a compound bow

Don't tell them that! They're gonna make more arrests now and it's all your fault! :torture:

[miss-islamic]

“Raise your children differently than you were raised for the are of a different generation” – Ali ® :up: