Parents Or No Parents

[kamalysalma]

Just curious....after marriage.....

SISTERS: Would you rather just live with your husband or live with in-laws aswel?

BROTHERS: Would you rather live with your wife alone or live with your parents aswel?

[kamalysalma]

me...definitely with my husband and his family, i think there's more love in that :D

[puella]

interesting....well i live alone with my hubs, but we come home for the weekends and stay with in laws, and for hols and long weekends...and it sfab!!..also it makes my hubs happy so its even better inshaAllah. i think you need to look at it carefully, if your hubs is the only son in the family then it is his duty to look after his parents so the wife really may not have a choice so must consider all the options carefully inshaAllah.

its a very blunt poll with a wide variety of ans!

[umm_yusuf]

I'd rather live with just my husband Insha Allah.

If there is an absolute necessity then I don't mind living with my in - laws as long as we all respect each other and do not overstep our boundaries Insha Allah.

[kamalysalma]

interesting....well i live alone with my hubs, but we come home for the weekends and stay with in laws, and for hols and long weekends...and it sfab!!..also it makes my hubs happy so its even better inshaAllah. i think you need to look at it carefully, if your hubs is the only son in the family then it is his duty to look after his parents so the wife really may not have a choice so must consider all the options carefully inshaAllah.

its a very blunt poll with a wide variety of ans!



yeh-it's quite a general poll i guess but its just to get an idea. just your personal preferance

[*IslamicGirl*]

:start:


:salams

How about spouse and MY parents? :D

Where's that option? :D

:wswrwb:

[Mujaheedah]

Ya, i agree with Islamic Girl I would never move far away from my parents, and Inshallah I'll always take care of them.

[kamalysalma]

:start:


:salams

How about spouse and MY parents? :D

Where's that option? :D

:wswrwb:

hmm....yeh make it difficult for me now sis :scratch: i guess the second option na?

[`asiya]

wa alaikum salam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh, no parents insha Allah...unless they get old and sick then not a problem.. and then id ask him which room my parents were having .... :D

[Muhammad2]

In my culture it's customary for adult children to live away from the parental home unless neccessity demands staying in it (like if you can't afford a place of your own).

That would apply to married couples as well.

[Al-Irhaab]

interesting....well i live alone with my hubs, but we come home for the weekends and stay with in laws, and for hols and long weekends...and it sfab!!..also it makes my hubs happy so its even better inshaAllah. i think you need to look at it carefully, if your hubs is the only son in the family then it is his duty to look after his parents so the wife really may not have a choice so must consider all the options carefully inshaAllah.

its a very blunt poll with a wide variety of ans!

when did cruella get married :rubeyes:

[`asiya]

In my culture it's customary for adult children to live away from the parental home unless neccessity demands staying in it (like if you can't afford a place of your own).

That would apply to married couples as well.

in my culture its a bit different if u cant afford a home of your own..

your on your own ..as my father says .... :) which is a good thing cuts the apron ties.

[ibn suleman]

both :D

[.: Anna :.]

Its more ideal to live separately, but close by. Living with can be okay, but without having ur own space and stuff sometimes it can cause tension. Also living with inlaws normally means non mahrams are around, u have 2 wear hijab so often in the house so u cant fully relax. Actually i do liv wit inlaws so i dnt critisise it that much and also it has benefits but i think its better as a temporary measure. especially having kids, its better to have ur own place... but close by so u can visit easily and keep close ties with family.

the scholars also generally recommend 2 have a separate place if possible bc there is wisdom in having ur own place and privacy, and its the wifes right to that aswell... hubby shud try 2 provide it. if parents are old and ill and can not live in their own house its different of course

[kamalysalma]

when did cruella get married :rubeyes:



PUELLA

[Chained_Water]

Well lets imagine a scene to answer the question:

you are trying to make roti, in your jilbab and hijaab, with your sleeves down so your arms are covered, you're sweaty and hot and now your clothes are covered in flour cuz you have the bro in laws and uncles of your husband running in and out the place, going to the loo, going into the garden, opening all the doors so everyone can see into the kitchen.. then your mother in law is coming in, moving and this and that around the kitchen, telling how to do things and generally "trying to help you" by getting in your way.. and then saying "tut, you've gotten flour all over your sleeves"..


..you would most likely want to hit the rolling pin over your husbands head :D

I think unless you have a practising family and extended family, a lot of space, with separate living quarters.. or a desperate need to live together.. it is better to live separately. Although often most people have to compromise (usually sisters have to because their husbands cant provide separate or arent willing to).

[ibn suleman]

its always the rotis fault :p

[Chained_Water]

its always the rotis fault :p
no its always the husbands fault :p

[ibn suleman]

no its always the husbands fault :p

yeh...cos he asked for the rotis :p

[kamalysalma]

yeh...cos he asked for the rotis :p



it is possible to live together with husbands family, you just gotta be weary, i know so many sisters who live with their husband's family and they're loving it. of course if you live with your husband alone, you have your own space and what not, still me, personally would rather live with his family

[Nazias]

Well lets imagine a scene to answer the question:

you are trying to make roti, in your jilbab and hijaab, with your sleeves down so your arms are covered, you're sweaty and hot and now your clothes are covered in flour cuz you have the bro in laws and uncles of your husband running in and out the place, going to the loo, going into the garden, opening all the doors so everyone can see into the kitchen.. then your mother in law is coming in, moving and this and that around the kitchen, telling how to do things and generally "trying to help you" by getting in your way.. and then saying "tut, you've gotten flour all over your sleeves"..

and niqab in some cases but Alhumdulillah we have so much to be grateful for! :D

[Al-Irhaab]

PUELLA

cruella :smack:

[ibn suleman]

ideally and many scholars recommend also that the husband and wife shud have their own separate accomodation..

but sumtimes u may not be in that ideal situation and may have to live with in-laws/parents for a number of reasons...in which case u have two options....make life hell for everyone..or try and work it out.

Islam teaches us the latter :)

[.: Anna :.]

Well lets imagine a scene to answer the question:

you are trying to make roti, in your jilbab and hijaab, with your sleeves down so your arms are covered, you're sweaty and hot and now your clothes are covered in flour cuz you have the bro in laws and uncles of your husband running in and out the place, going to the loo, going into the garden, opening all the doors so everyone can see into the kitchen.. then your mother in law is coming in, moving and this and that around the kitchen, telling how to do things and generally "trying to help you" by getting in your way.. and then saying "tut, you've gotten flour all over your sleeves"..


..you would most likely want to hit the rolling pin over your husbands head :D

I think unless you have a practising family and extended family, a lot of space, with separate living quarters.. or a desperate need to live together.. it is better to live separately. Although often most people have to compromise (usually sisters have to because their husbands cant provide separate or arent willing to).

lol :p i really agree with this. especially not having kitchen/having 2 wear hijab in kitchen gets annoying quite quickly :smack:

[.: Anna :.]

ideally and many scholars recommend also that the husband and wife shud have their own separate accomodation..

but sumtimes u may not be in that ideal situation and may have to live with in-laws/parents for a number of reasons...in which case u have two options....make life hell for everyone..or try and work it out.

Islam teaches us the latter :):up::up: excellent summary of the issue bro :D

[kamalysalma]

cruella :smack:

input please!!!!

[Al-Irhaab]

input please!!!!

u never heard of cruella de ville :outta:

[kamalysalma]

u never heard of cruella de ville :outta:



who is that???? sound like a french name, anyway INPUT PLEASE!!!!!!! :D

[Al-Irhaab]

who is that???? sound like a french name, anyway INPUT PLEASE!!!!!!! :D

i guess u never read 101 dalmations :smack:

did u get ur imput then :rolleyes:

[.: Anna :.]

okay irhab brother please can u stop the off topic cruella de ville stuff please

[kamalysalma]

i guess u never read 101 dalmations :smack:

did u get ur imput then :rolleyes:

some people really have nothing good to say!

okay irhab brother please can u stop the off topic cruella de ville stuff please

exactly, you go sis...jazakum'Allahu khairan

[bint]

lol chill out people just a laugh..im sure puella knwos its a joke..they used to joke before too :D

anyhoo this is a difficult question..id like to live on my own and go spend some time with the in lawstoo :D

[heaven2002]

id prefer spouse only
makes marriage easier to handle i think, especially if his family are not as practising as you or are more culturally inclined than islamically inclined
u may find urself in situations which u r not comfortable

[peace2u]

:start:


:salams

How about spouse and MY parents? :D

Where's that option? :D

:wswrwb:

Ditto girlie. Why is it always HIS parents???? What is wrong with mine???? Personally, I would like to have my own space where I can be queen of the house. I don't mine living with in-laws if they are nice and respectful and I have my own space.


Peace

[Nawar]

Because his duty lies to his mother and yours lies to him.

[kamalysalma]

Because his duty lies to his mother and yours lies to him.

EXACTLY!!!

[peace2u]

Because his duty lies to his mother and yours lies to him.

True, but my duty is also to my mother as well. Insha Allah, paradise lies at her feet as well.

Peace

[kamalysalma]

True, but my duty is also to my mother as well. Insha Allah, paradise lies at her feet as well.

Peace

Ukhti, you do know that's a very weak hadith don't you?

[peace2u]

No I don't, but it does not mean that my mother is any less than my mother-in-law. She has every right to be taken care of just as my mother-in-law would.


Peace

[kamalysalma]

No I don't, but it does not mean that my mother is any less than my mother-in-law. She has every right to be taken care of just as my mother-in-law would.


Peace

of course your mother has the same right as his mother, just don't get married too far away from home :D

[`asiya]

Ukhti, you do know that's a very weak hadith don't you?

ukhti the narration of the hadith paradise is under the feet of your mother is weak, but the narration that states jannah is at the feet of your mother is sahih :) wa Allahu alam.

[kamalysalma]

ukhti the narration of the hadith paradise is under the feet of your mother is weak, but the narration that states jannah is at the feet of your mother is sahih :) wa Allahu alam.

Wallahu'alam barakallahu feekum

[neelu]

I voted to live with just my spouse BUT if either of our parents were to become frail and have difficulty looking after themselves THEN I'd want them to live with us or with our siblings.

[MMS]

Because his duty lies to his mother and yours lies to him.

very true, i dont think its a big problem living with husband and his parents since ur father inlaw becomes ur mahrem

there isnt an option on the poll to say spouse and parents only :p

[kamalysalma]

very true, i dont think its a big problem living with husband and his parents since ur father inlaw becomes ur mahrem

there isnt an option on the poll to say spouse and parents only :p



i'm sooooo bad at this, when i initially started the poll i wanted to insert spouse and parents only but something mad me insert "spouse + parents/family"

[Chained_Water]

Because his duty lies to his mother and yours lies to him.Yeh it is true that people forget that appleis to women as much as men? His parents are no more important than your own, and his duty is to them, not yours.. your duty is to your own and him..

[LiveIslam]

i haven't voted reason why is coz it depends how the inlaws wer like. coz in our culture the wife it meant to do all the chores while the inlaws just sit there doing nothing, and also they think you have to treat the wife as a slave. but if the inlaws are nice and caring and think about wife's feeling then i'd move in with them. basically i dnt like when ppl force me to do things:torture:

[Raziel]

no its always the husbands fault :p

what about the 'Violent' roti maker? :D

[bint_ummi]

either one... if i had to live with inlaws, whatever... but i think alone just me and my husband would be better- at least at first- helps you get to know each other better, i'd think...

[Lambo5688]

Spouse+Parents - I wouldn't wanna leave my parents after they have stayed with me my whole life. Its our turn to take care of our parents, just like they took care of their parents. Some people wanna get married, and move as far away from their parents as possible. Thats very selfish.

[ummi_nadiah]

i prefer to live with my husband only.But we are not to abandon our parent.Don't forget them n always visit them.

it's time to be independent without depend on our parent.We have husband who will take care of us and definitely he wants his own life.

Most of the cases, when we live together with our parent there will be more 'chaos'. It's better not to live with them. then, of coz we'll miss them.That's better ....becoz it will make us closer n closer to our parent.

[meer]

i prefer to live with my husband only.But we are not to abandon our parent.Don't forget them n always visit them.

it's time to be independent without depend on our parent.We have husband who will take care of us and definitely he wants his own life.

Most of the cases, when we live together with our parent there will be more 'chaos'. It's better not to live with them. then, of coz we'll miss them.That's better ....becoz it will make us closer n closer to our parent.

I found mostly sister don't prefer to stay with parents or with Joint family...

Is this good to get saperate from parents after getting married ? Can we make our life happy by hurrting our parents ? :rubeyes:

[ummi_nadiah]

I found mostly sister don't prefer to stay with parents or with Joint family...

Is this good to get saperate from parents after getting married ? Can we make our life happy by hurrting our parents ? :rubeyes:

we are not hurting them...

u know, like i said b4...away from our parent actually strengthen the relationship.

n i also agree with sis bint_ummi.

[Lambo5688]

I found mostly sister don't prefer to stay with parents or with Joint family...

Is this good to get saperate from parents after getting married ? Can we make our life happy by hurrting our parents ? :rubeyes:

How can a man leave his parents after they have done so much for him? I understand that a woman may not have so much love for her husband's parents, even thought she is supposed to, but I think men should take care of their parents for the rest their parent's lives.

[Lambo5688]

we are not hurting them...

u know, like i said b4...away from our parent actually strengthen the relationship.

n i also agree with sis bint_ummi.

That means when we are 12 or 14 or 16 our parents should kick us out and tell us to live on our own. It will strengthen the relationship.

[meer]

How can a man leave his parents after they have done so much for him? I understand that a woman may not have so much love for her husband's parents, even thought she is supposed to, but I think men should take care of their parents for the rest their parent's lives.

I 100% agree with you Bro! we most be with our parent's till our last breath..
becasue what ever we are today...postion,education,knowledge,family etc..every thing is because of them..and they make us to be in position to stand by our self... so I totaly feel that one should not leave there parent because of new wife... may allah give us hidayath to undustand the value of parent(Ameen)

[ummi_nadiah]

no..guys u are misunderstood my point.I dont know how to elaborate more about this.

let me do it in a point form

1.do not live wth them not bcoz of selfish, and kick them of fr our life.

2.still visiting them, take care of them, and always get ready whenever they need us.

3.Never abandon,and forget them

4. one Malay Proverb " ...Bila berjauhan rindu-rinduan, bila berdekatan bercakar-cakaran"..something like that.(if someone can help me to translate n elaborate it...plz..).This is my point

and that is true.I can feel it too.every once a month i'll visit my mom.and i know , i'm still her daughter n i have a responsibility towrds them.

[meer]

no..guys u are misunderstood my point.I dont know how to elaborate more about this.

let me do it in a point form

1.do not live wth them not bcoz of selfish, and kick them of fr our life.

2.still visiting them, take care of them, and always get ready whenever they need us.

3.Never abandon,and forget them

4. one Malay Proverb " ...Bila berjauhan rindu-rinduan, bila berdekatan bercakar-cakaran"..something like that.(if someone can help me to translate n elaborate it...plz..).This is my point

and that is true.I can feel it too.every once a month i'll visit my mom.and i know , i'm still her daughter n i have a responsibility towrds them.


No releation be good... If you try to be away from that person, or want to see only for a specifec time.what the problem if the sis! adjust her marriage life with her husband parent and cosider them as her parents.. I think very few girl wish to be with the joint family..beside almost 75% girl's like's to stay saperate with her hubby... by giving not accepted excusses ..

[JayC]

as salaam alaykum,

i would never want to live with my in laws... they're kuffar and i can't be doing with all that trouble

[.: Anna :.]

meer and lambo, u have to realise it is part of the wife's rights that you do provide her with minimum seperate kitchen, bedroom, bathroom, living area if you have the means to do this. if u want to do this within ur parents building, then fine... if u think it is okay to say she can have just bedroom and shares kitchen etc, although she prefers to have her separate one.. this is a form of oppression because you are denying the rights which she has got. So how can you look down on the women when you dont want to even give their rights? If men can not balance between wife and parents so that he fulfils both their rights, he should not get married. It can not be weighed down just one way. Caring only for parents rights is also wrong like caring only for wife and breaking ties with parents after marriage. You have to get the correct balance, because you will be questioned by Allah about how you treat your wife and your family, not just how you treated your parents. And in terms of accomodation, wives have specific rights whereas it is not wronging the parents if you do not live under their roof. Its not a duty that one has to remain under their roof.

[kamalysalma]

i agree with meer and lambo, but yes, as anna said if your wife demands her rights, like a seperate kitchen, her own space etc. you have to givevit as its her right, but as i've always said i want to live with my in-laws so that i can look after them and through that make my husband happy as well

[Umm 'Umarah]

Ideally, it's better to have your own space..It must be very awkward to live in a household where the husbands brothers are around.

I'd like my own house..but I'd like to live close by to my in-laws in case they need me or vica versa.

in terms of living with them...can't be that bad.. a mother and a father how hard can it be?...at the end of the day..it's HIS mother and father..they may become lonely and be in need of company..and need help with things. It would be nice to be around them and help them. (earn reward and please the husband) Besides, I'd get very bored living in a house all on my own, grown up all my life with my parents around me...leaving them will be very tough...and with in-laws it will be like having a second set of parents around.

[GKM]

Ideally, it's better to have your own space..It must be very awkward to live in a household where the husbands brothers are around.

I'd like my own house..but I'd like to live close by to my in-laws in case they need me or vica versa.

in terms of living with them...can't be that bad.. a mother and a father how hard can it be?...at the end of the day..it's HIS mother and father..they may become lonely and be in need of company..and need help with things. It would be nice to be around them and help them. (earn reward and please the husband) Besides, I'd get very bored living in a house all on my own, grown up all my life with my parents around me...leaving them will be very tough...and with in-laws it will be like having a second set of parents around.
MashaAllah very good thinking for Future :inlove:

[kamalysalma]

Ideally, it's better to have your own space..It must be very awkward to live in a household where the husbands brothers are around.

I'd like my own house..but I'd like to live close by to my in-laws in case they need me or vica versa.

in terms of living with them...can't be that bad.. a mother and a father how hard can it be?...at the end of the day..it's HIS mother and father..they may become lonely and be in need of company..and need help with things. It would be nice to be around them and help them. (earn reward and please the husband) Besides, I'd get very bored living in a house all on my own, grown up all my life with my parents around me...leaving them will be very tough...and with in-laws it will be like having a second set of parents around.

agreed...totally

[meer]

Ideally, it's better to have your own space..It must be very awkward to live in a household where the husbands brothers are around.

I'd like my own house..but I'd like to live close by to my in-laws in case they need me or vica versa.

in terms of living with them...can't be that bad.. a mother and a father how hard can it be?...at the end of the day..it's HIS mother and father..they may become lonely and be in need of company..and need help with things. It would be nice to be around them and help them. (earn reward and please the husband) Besides, I'd get very bored living in a house all on my own, grown up all my life with my parents around me...leaving them will be very tough...and with in-laws it will be like having a second set of parents around.


Masallah sis you have a very nice thinking...may allah give you a nice & carying husbad, & may allah make your house same like heaven (Ameen)

I wish every muslim girl have same thinking as sis kamilah mentioned above...:up:

[meer]

meer and lambo, u have to realise it is part of the wife's rights that you do provide her with minimum seperate kitchen, bedroom, bathroom, living area if you have the means to do this. if u want to do this within ur parents building, then fine... if u think it is okay to say she can have just bedroom and shares kitchen etc, although she prefers to have her separate one.. this is a form of oppression because you are denying the rights which she has got. So how can you look down on the women when you dont want to even give their rights? If men can not balance between wife and parents so that he fulfils both their rights, he should not get married. It can not be weighed down just one way. Caring only for parents rights is also wrong like caring only for wife and breaking ties with parents after marriage. You have to get the correct balance, because you will be questioned by Allah about how you treat your wife and your family, not just how you treated your parents. And in terms of accomodation, wives have specific rights whereas it is not wronging the parents if you do not live under their roof. Its not a duty that one has to remain under their roof.

Sis Anna! I dont agree with you what ever you said above...because If my wife ask me to get seperate becasue of some non-valuable reason..some time I may live her because of her low thinking... but personally I like to give my wife every happiness,which I can bring for her in halal way...beside that I want to give her lot of love and will try to keep her like queen of my house...But when I am bussy in my life to get what my family required..I wish my wife should take care about my parents..so when ever I see my parents are happy I get more love & respect for my wife.. & I will try more harder to get success in my life...so finally wife will get benefited and she will get more love,respect,undustanding & confidence from her husband... I think almost this is the key of successfull wife... by which she can get Din & Dunya...

[Lambo5688]

meer and lambo, u have to realise it is part of the wife's rights that you do provide her with minimum seperate kitchen, bedroom, bathroom, living area if you have the means to do this. if u want to do this within ur parents building, then fine... if u think it is okay to say she can have just bedroom and shares kitchen etc, although she prefers to have her separate one.. this is a form of oppression because you are denying the rights which she has got. So how can you look down on the women when you dont want to even give their rights? If men can not balance between wife and parents so that he fulfils both their rights, he should not get married. It can not be weighed down just one way. Caring only for parents rights is also wrong like caring only for wife and breaking ties with parents after marriage. You have to get the correct balance, because you will be questioned by Allah about how you treat your wife and your family, not just how you treated your parents. And in terms of accomodation, wives have specific rights whereas it is not wronging the parents if you do not live under their roof. Its not a duty that one has to remain under their roof.

Sis, I never said that men shouldn't allow wives seperate living space. There are two family houses here that the husband and wife can occupy one floor, and the other floor the parents can live on. Everything is separate, even the entrance. That way your close to your parents in case they need you and they dont feel lonely because they know their son, daughter-in-law, and grandkids are just a flight of stairs away.



I'd like my own house..but I'd like to live close by to my in-laws in case they need me or vica versa.

in terms of living with them...can't be that bad.. a mother and a father how hard can it be?...at the end of the day..it's HIS mother and father..they may become lonely and be in need of company..and need help with things. It would be nice to be around them and help them. (earn reward and please the husband) Besides, I'd get very bored living in a house all on my own, grown up all my life with my parents around me...leaving them will be very tough...and with in-laws it will be like having a second set of parents around.
:up:

[meer]

:up:

[.: Anna :.]

Sis, I never said that men shouldn't allow wives seperate living space. There are two family houses here that the husband and wife can occupy one floor, and the other floor the parents can live on. Everything is separate, even the entrance. That way your close to your parents in case they need you and they dont feel lonely because they know their son, daughter-in-law, and grandkids are just a flight of stairs away.


:up:

well thats cool.... but in uk mainly we dont have things like that at all. majority here wen u think of living wit in laws its jst one kitchen, one bathroom, one living room between alll... just a seperate bedroom only, and can be crowded, no privacy, cant jst get on make stuff in the kitchen and go about ur day without other ppl around ALL the time :S

anyway 2 clarify i do live wit inlaws myself, bt i jst dont like it wen brothers seem 2 think low of their wife for wanting their own space... esp considering for women the best place for them is their home, if hubby did not provide a home were she can have privacy, relax n feel secure its a major oppression

[meer]

well thats cool.... but in uk mainly we dont have things like that at all. majority here wen u think of living wit in laws its jst one kitchen, one bathroom, one living room between alll... just a seperate bedroom only, and can be crowded, no privacy, cant jst get on make stuff in the kitchen and go about ur day without other ppl around ALL the time :S

anyway 2 clarify i do live wit inlaws myself, bt i jst dont like it wen brothers seem 2 think low of their wife for wanting their own space... esp considering for women the best place for them is their home, if hubby did not provide a home were she can have privacy, relax n feel secure its a major oppression

sis Anna! I just dont undustand why girls prefer to get seperate after they get married...why they change there nature after Immediately they get married. why they cant be allways same like before...sis! as you mentioned above she need privacy,relax n feel secure. How she will feel unsecure when she is with her hubby family..after all we are muslim people..all people have a very good living inside and out side house ....Mashallah...
sorry sis I dont want to hurt you...it's just a discussion..so please dont ming.

[Umm 'Umarah]

sis Anna, what's the deal behind a women having her own separate kitchen?
I can understand why a separate bathroom..but living under the same roof with separate kitchens sounds very odd...it's sort of like creating unnecessary barriers where there shouldn't be any.

[Black_Flag]

just da hubby inshallah!

[meer]

sis Anna, what's the deal behind a women having her own separate kitchen?
I can understand why a separate bathroom..but living under the same roof with seperate kitchens sounds very odd...it's sort of like creating unnecessary barriers where there shouldn't be any.

1000 % correct :up:

[.: Anna :.]

sis Anna, what's the deal behind a women having her own separate kitchen?
I can understand why a separate bathroom..but living under the same roof with seperate kitchens sounds very odd...it's sort of like creating unnecessary barriers where there shouldn't be any.

well firstly scholars do recommend that, because of it being her right and also because conflict can arise from sharing it. some people want to cook without interference from others, also wish to cook without covering, wish to keep their kitchen in a certain way...
people may feel its 'unnecessary' barrier where there 'shouldn't be any' but i would assert that it is a barrier were there should be one in accordance with wat Allah swt allowed us to have if we desire.. and many ppl do desire it, it is no shame on them for that.

meer i think desiring 2 live seperate after marriage doesnt mean they changed their nature. unless the girl makes out she is fine with sharing, then after marriage she changes her mind and demands her right of accomodation, having previously agreed to share. in that case even there is no haraam on her and she is within her rights, but it can be inconsiderate, she has 2 consider his situation... but most girls i dont feel they "change" in that way, they may be clear from start they are not happy 2 share. then what is the problem the guy would be aware from beginning of his obligation and her desire to insist upon the fulfilment of his duty in that regard?

as for feeling unsecure, not relaxing... unfortunately just being muslim does not mean that she would never feel this!! particularly with non mahram in the house u can surely understand, but even if not with non mahram... human beings have a natural desire for privacy in some times. its unfortunate case that some people do not respect that for others, so they would not be relaxing to live with. this depends on the type of girl, some people do not like time alone they wish to be always in company, others do prefer time to themselves or do not like to be in a place with always alot of noise. Some people living with inlaws do not even have a lock on their door, and although people may say "why do you need a lock, dont you trust them?" it is not about not trusting them, but that is the lowest acceptable level of accomodation that a husband should provide, even being within the poorest catogory of people - a private room with a lock, so she can feel secure about her stuff. Some people do not mind others entering their room or borrowing, using or touching, moving their stuff around...others do. It depends on personality, but there is nothing wrong in either.

[.: Anna :.]

1000 % correct :up:

see this is what gets me, the idea that living with and sharing everything is what is 100% "correct"... actually it is not.

A Wife's Right to Housing Separate From Her In-Laws and Others
Answered by Shaykh Muhammad ibn Adam al-Kawthari


http://www.sunnipath.com/images/Q_Image.jpgI would like to know what the husband's obligations are towards his wife regarding providing shelter for her. The husband makes his wife live with his family (in-laws) and makes her share the household facilities with other members of the family (kitchen, bathroom), and this is causing a lot of problems for the wife and she does not have her privacy either. The husband is capable of providing separate residence and facilities but does not, and the wife is having a difficult time? Please could you explain according the Hanafi School how to deal with this problem? I have been told that the Hanafi scholars have dealt with such things and a woman is entitled to a separate residence where none of in-law live? Is this true?

http://www.sunnipath.com/images/A_Image.jpg
http://www.sunnipath.com/images/bism01.jpg
In the name of Allah, Most Compassionate, Most Merciful,

The Shariah has given certain rights to the husband, just as it has give rights to the wife. Many times, failure to give the spouses their rights results in conflict and eventually breakdown of Marriage.

These rights, at times, may not go down to well with certain people and cultures. However, it is necessary for us to educate those Muslims who have been affected by cultural customs and traditions, and inform them of the injunctions of Shariah.

The benefit of learning and educating the masses about the rules and injunctions of Shariah with regards to social affairs is that each party will appreciate what the other has to offer. Subsequently, this will lead to respect, love and harmony.

For example, it is not necessary upon the wife to cook for or serve her parents in-law. Now, many people believe that it is the duty of the wife to look after not only the household affairs but all the family members including the nephew, niece, etc... If she is negligent in any way, then she is rebuked.

However, if the in-laws did not regard this as an incumbent duty of the wife, and she on her own accord took care of the household work, then this work will surely be appreciated. She will also in turn do her best to give something back in return for this appreciation.

Therefore, it is our duty that we teach the masses and inform them of the injunctions of Shariah with regards to social affairs. This may be a Jihad, and one will no doubt face much opposition from culturally oriented individuals, but the rewards by Allah will be immense Insha Allah.

Question: The Wife’s Right to an Independent ‘Shariah House’

Coming to your question, In the Hanafi school, the wife has a right to live (and demand to live) separately. It is the duty and responsibility of the husband to provide her with shelter (suknah). This shelter must, if she demands so, be free from the interference of any of the husband’s family. The responsibility of the husband will be fulfilled if the wife is provided with a separate area within the house, and where she is able to keep her belongings and where none of the husband’s family members are able to enter.

Imam al-Haskafi states in Durr al-Mukhtar:

“It is necessary for the husband to provide the wife with a shelter (home) that is free from his and her family members…. taking into consideration both their economic standings. A separate quarter within the house that has a lock, separate bathroom and kitchen will be [minimally] sufficient.”

The great Imam Ibn Abidin (Allah have mercy on him) comments on this by saying:

“The reason behind al-Haskafi’s statement “Free from his family members” is that at times it may be harmful for her to share the house with other people, as her belongings may not be safe. Also, she will not able to enjoy her husband’s company in the presence of other people”.

Regarding al-Haskafi’s statement “Separate bathroom and kitchen”, this may defer from one family to another. Poor people who normally share these things with other families may find it difficult to provide a house with a separate bathroom and cooking area. Therefore, for them it will be sufficient to provide a separate quarter that has a lock” (Radd al-Muhtar 3/559-600).

Imam al-Kasani states in his Bada’i al-Sana’i:

“It is necessary to provide the wife with shelter as Allah Most High Says: “Let the women live in the same stile as you live, according to your means. And annoy them not, so as to restrict them” (al-Talaq, 6).

So what about the other family members?

If the husband desired her to live with his other wife or his family members, such as: his mum, sister, daughter from another wife or relatives, and she refused, then it will incumbent upon him to provide her with a separate living quarter. The reason for this is that she may be harmed in co-sharing, and her refusal is a sign of harm. Also, the spouses need to fulfill their mutual sexual needs whenever the need arises, which may be difficult with others around.

If the husband provided her with a separate quarter in a large home, which has a separate lock, then she will not have right to demand for a total separate house” (Kasani, Bada’i al-Sana’i, Vol.4, P.23).

In Conclusion

In conclusion, it is the responsibility of the husband to provide the wife with shelter. If she demands it to be separate from the husbands family, then the husband will be obliged to provide a living quarter which is free from the interference of others and that it has a separate lock. As far as the bathroom and cooking area is concerned, this should also be separate if they are not from a poor family background (as Ibn Abidin mentions in length in his super commentary), or else the responsibility will be discharged by providing the above.

And Allah knows best

Muhammad ibn Adam al-Kawthari, UK

What are the rights of the in-laws (the husband’s brothers and sisters) in Islam? Do the father- and mother-in-law have the right of obedience? Do they have the right to enter my room with or without permission? To what extent should I obey them with regard to my clothing, cooking, childcare, keeping house and going out of the house? Do they have the right to interfere in our marital life? Do they have any rights with regard to our work, where we live, education and the like? Do I have to ask their permission to visit my family? Do they have the right to know all the details about our life? Do I have to obey them and shake hands with my husband’s relatives? Do my husband and I have to attend weddings in which there are haraam things?. Answer : Praise be to Allaah. The wife does not have to obey anyone among her in-laws, whether that is her husband’s father, mother, brothers or sisters, in any matter, major or minor, unless they tell her to do something which is obligatory according to Islam, or forbid her to do something that is haraam. In such matters she has to obey, whether that comes from a relative or a stranger, an in-law or anyone else.

With regard to the husband, she must obey him in matters that are right and proper, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allaah has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means…”

[al-Nisa’ 4:34]

Ibn Katheer (may Allaah have mercy on him) said, discussing some of the husband’s rights over his wife:

Allaah has given the husband rights and commanded the wife to obey him; He has forbidden her to disobey him because of the fact that he excels her and maintains her. Tafseer Ibn Katheer, 1/493

It is not permissible for any of your in-laws to enter your room without your permission, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“O you who believe! Enter not houses other than your own, until you have asked permission and greeted those in them; that is better for you, in order that you may remember”

[al-Noor 24:27]

If any of them enters your room with your permission but he is not one of your mahrams – such as your husband’s brother – then there has to be one of your mahrams present, so that there will be no haraam khulwah between you (i.e., being alone together). You must also observe full shar’i hijab, and be certain that there is no risk of falling into fitnah (temptation).

Despite all these conditions, it is still better for him not to enter upon you in your room; this is purer for the heart and farthest removed from suspicion. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“And when you ask (his wives) for anything you want, ask them from behind a screen, that is purer for your hearts and for their hearts”

[al-Ahzaab 33:53]

And the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Beware of entering upon women.” A man from among the Ansaar said, “What about the in-law, O Messenger of Allaah?” He said, “The in-law is death.”

Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5232; Muslim, 2172.

Al-Nawawi (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:

With regard to the Prophet’s words “The in-law is death,” what this means is that there is more fear with regard to him than anyone else, and evil is to be expected of him, and the fitnah (temptation) is greater because he is able to reach the woman and be alone with her without anyone denouncing that, unlike the case of one who is a stranger. What is meant by “in-law” (hamu) here is the relatives of the husband apart from his father/grandfather and sons/grandsons. Fathers/grandfathers and sons/grandsons are mahrams for his wife and it is permissible for them to be alone with her. The word “death” here does not refer to them. Rather what is meant is the brother, brother’s son, paternal uncle, cousin, etc, who are not mahrams. People are usually careless about this matter and a man may let his wife be alone with his brother. This is what is referred to by “death” and should be prevented more than her being alone with a stranger for the reasons mentioned above.

They do not have the right to force you to do any of the things you mention, such as how to cook, how to dress or other things such as working and teaching etc, unless that is by way of advice and kind treatment, not by way of compulsion.

It is not permissible for them to interfere in your and your husband’s private affairs, but if they convince your husband not to go out on trips and he tells you to stay in the house, then obey your husband, and be patient and seek reward.

You do not have to ask permission from any of them to visit your family; that is not their right. You have to ask your husband’s permission, and if he gives you permission then you do not have to ask permission from any of them.

They do not have the right to know the details of your life (you and your husband), and it is not permissible for your husband to tell them of any private or intimate matters between the two of you.

Your husband has to honour his parents, and you should help him in that. You should not be the cause of a split between him and them. You will see the consequences of that in your children in sha Allah.

Your husband’s visits to his parents should be on the basis of need. Something may happen to his parents which requires their son to visit them a great deal, such as sickness and the like. You husband has to pay attention to that.

With regard to your serving them and doing housework, you are not obliged to do that, but if you do it as an act of kindness towards them, or to please your husband, that will be good and you will have the reward for that in sha Allaah. This is something that will raise your status in the eyes of your husband and his family in this world, and will raise you in status in the Hereafter too, in sha Allah.

With regard to your living separately, your husband has to ensure that you have a place where you can live separately, but there is nothing wrong with his parents living in the same place with you if the house is big enough, and if that will not cause you any harm.
With regard to your life being under scrutiny, his parents have no right to dominate your life. Try to communicate in a proper manner with your husband and reach an understanding. If he can resolve the matter, all well and good, otherwise there is nothing wrong with you speaking to his family in a wise and mature manner. If they do not respond and the situation continues as it is, then be patient and seek reward from Allaah.

With regard to your shaking hands with men who are not your mahrams, this is haraam. There is no obedience to any created being if it involves disobedience towards the Creator. For more information on the ruling on shaking hands with a non-mahram, see question no. 21183 (http://63.175.194.25/index.php?ds=qa&lv=browse&QR=21183&dgn=3&).

It is not permissible for your husband to go to wedding parties in which there is noise and sin. For more information see question no. 10957 (http://63.175.194.25/index.php?ds=qa&lv=browse&QR=10957&dgn=3&).

Finally…

Our advice to husbands is that they should honour their parents with regard to that which is right and proper, but they should not obey them if they transgress the limits set by Allaah, or help them in wrongdoing, which includes mistreating their sons’ wives. They should discuss with them in a way that is better and not prevent them from obeying Allaah. They should be strong in adhering to the truth and confront those who stand in the way of their implementing the laws of Allaah in their homes, because the Muslim does not acknowledge any authority over him except the Qur’aan and Sunnah. They should also beware of those who call them to commit sin.

If the husband thinks that the interests of sharee’ah dictate that he should keep his wife and his family apart, then there is nothing wrong with him doing that.

We should be tolerant and be patient with one another, and we should not forget to be kind to one another. We should speak to one another in kindness and be patient, and ward off evil with that which is better. We should speak well to the slaves of Allaah until we meet Allaah.

Allaah is the One Whom we ask to set all our affairs straight. May Allaah send blessings upon our Prophet Muhammad.

Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com) (http://www.islam-qa.com%29/)

[Bint Yusuf]

just the hubby and i, i mean getting use to being around someone 24/7 is hard let alone with a whole new set of family

[bint_ummi]

deleted, but i asked about inlaws that are mahrams... i got confused, then i read the above posts...
jazakallahu khair sis anna :)

[.: Anna :.]

deletedthey are... but brother in laws are not, and other random relatives which come round are not, and family friends which come round are not...
so if its just husband parents its okay for covering but still as the house is not only ur own ull b in danger of going down and finding random men in the place because they can get permission 2 enter the house from the parents, whereas just urself and hubby u would know if ppl have come. depends how often u have dif ppl there... but yeh parents in law are mahram

[Umm 'Umarah]

I didn't mean to offend you ukhti, I just wanted to understand your reasoning behind it that's all.

I spoke of my personal opinions, and I've never really looked into what advice the scholars give with regard to marriage, in-laws and kitchens etc etc.

I suppose in my culture the kitchen is a place where women get together they all pitch in and have a good old chinwag...and I think it's nice sharing chores and stuff preparing food and eating together- brings people closer together.

and obviously we have our God given rights- Alhamdulillah
and its a duty upon the husband to fulfil them- undoubtedly

[kamalysalma]

I think the main reason why i would want to live with my in-laws is because i wouldn't want to cause division between them and my husband, although if he does move out he can visit them, i still wouldn't want my husband and his parents to feel like they've lost him, i want to be there for my in-laws, i want my husband to be there for his parents and seriously, there is so much more love that way.
And yes it's a woman's right to demand her own space but really and truly i don't run after my rights as that also can cause problems...imagine you run after your rights and your spouse is running after his rights, it'll be a disaster, i think, realistically, a couple shouldn't base their marriage on rights but rather work together with love and care, as for me, i wouldn't demand such rights of moving away from his parents for the sake of my own space, this is my personal preference and wallahu 'alam

[.: Anna :.]

I didn't mean to offend you ukhti, I just wanted to understand your reasoning behind it that's all.

I spoke of my personal opinions, and I've never really looked into what advice the scholars give with regard to marriage, in-laws and kitchens etc etc.

I suppose in my culture the kitchen is a place where women get together they all pitch in and have a good old chinwag...and I think it's nice sharing chores and stuff preparing food and eating together- brings people closer together.

and obviously we have our God given rights- Alhamdulillah
and its a duty upon the husband to fulfil them- undoubtedly

no sis i wasnt offended by u dnt worry :D :love:

[Ebony]

In our household the place where women get together and have a chinwag is in the living room :coolsis:

Too many cooks in the kitchen and all that lark :nerdsis: