need advice please...(part2)

[miniroll]

as salaam alaikum,

i have posted here before about my situation...

http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthread.php?t=115340

the conclusion is that my husband has commit zina with a girl who just turned 17. he did this approx 3 weeks ago after giving me the impression he wanted to work things out. i found out 3 days ago and he admitted to me what he did. we had a brother mediate between us about 2 weeks ago we both agreed to work things out. even then he went to meet her. he spent the money i earned on her... to take her to out, to buy her an expensive dress. he has ended it with her after he got found out. he would have carried on if this had not come out in the open. he promised to marry her, met her parents, they did not know he was already married. he told the girl he was married very recently and he also lied to her about his age.

i found out after having gone through his phone bill as i knew something was not right. i have had to hear so many repulsive descriptions about my husbands antics, i had to hear them tell me how i was not enough for him, i even had to hear from their other boyfriends who would call me and abuse me all night and day with lies to further provoke me against my husband. in the end, the filth i have had to face has gotten too much.

i am a women who has kept myself pure. i wore hijab against my family at the age of 14. i have never been involved with this filth. words that i couldnt utter and things that i would rather die than listen to have become part fo casual conversation for the past few days. its just too much...

we had confirmed from a reliable amil that i have had sihr done on me for 5+ years (since the beginning of my marraige). which explains a lot of things. i was told by the amil that even though there is sihr on me to break up my marriage, i have to use will power to fight this. i don't want to blame my marriage problems entriely on magic and sit down free of any responsibilty. i know i could have done better and there are many regrets i have and many mistakes i have made. my husband also insists that there is magic on him, but the amil has not yet confirmed this to me and i dont fully believe my husband. i feel he may be saying this so that he can create an excuse for his bahaviour.

while i have been going around from person to person in desperate attempts to save my marriage and while i have been making so many efforts to please him and make him happy, he has been betraying me and damaging our marriage. he keeps saying he is confused, he doesnt know what he is doing and why.

now he says he is willing to stop lieing and cheating but he is not ready to change his appearance and start to pray. i am worried about the effects he is having and has had on my children. he is asking me to wait until the sihr has been lifted from me before i make a desicion which will take a couple of months at least.

a man on deen was so important to me that i sacrificed everything for it. i don't know if i could live with a man who has become everything i hate in the hope that one day he will change. i also know i will struggle a lot to come to terms with the betrayal. i have already forgiven him but i dont know if i can forget and that may cause problems in the future.

i am totally lost and confused. i have no idea what to do. if we end the marriage i know i will not be able to marry anyone else again in the hope that Allah will give him back to me in jannah the way he once was. i have to be prepared to live a life alone with my children.

if i agree to stay with him and work things out i am very scared of another dissapointment, and this time i know my heart will not be able to handle another blow. inside i am in pieces. i am trying very very hard to think with my head. its not easy. sabr is very hard to come by these days and anger, the feeling of betrayel, and confusion are taking over me, such that i fear that i may become too weak to guard my salaah. he will not divorce me and i will have to get a khula. in anger i had decided to get a khula but now having thought about it i am not sure. i do not want to make a decision i will regret as there are a lot of lives involved here.

there is no one else for me to ask advice from. the sheikh i was in touch with has said to me i have to decide wether i can be patient and live with this man while he is in his present condition, or for the sake of my sanity, and the wellbeing of my children, leave him.

what should i do?

[Kal-El]

You have a family and you seem to be the only one capable, for whatever reason, to make a sound decision so think of what's best for your family and yourself before you take any actions.

[Al-Irhaab]

assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu

firstly i would like to say may allah (swt) give you and your children the best in this life and the best in the akhira and raise you from amongst those who have been true to their covenant with allah (swt) ...and for me aswell (ameen)

secondly i am of those that adopt a very harsh attitude with sisters when it comes to breaking off ties with thier husbands and their families...

however this harshness is deserved for those who seek to break the tie or marriage due to a dislike they have in their husband or lack of patience or lack of trust in allah (Swt) or because of a lack of understanding of islam....

a family is not just a husband and a wife, it is a total family and includes your children and your deen.... you say you love your husband... yet how can you love him who goes to blatantly against the deen of allah (SwT)... when we choose our partners we look to our future kids and ask ourselves how will such a person be a good mother or father for my children, it is one of the rights that a child has on her parents.... yet what kind of upbringing will such a person who goes and commits adultery give to your children, what kind of person will be if he does not pray and does not do his islamic duties... perhaps you love something which is bad for you and stay away from something which is good for u...

allah (swt) does not like divorce but he has permitted it and this is one of the reasons he has permitted it... and has given the woman the option for khula.... if what you are saying is true and confirmed.... and by that i mean rigorously confirmed ie not through rumours or because you have seen something on his phone or heard him say something to someone.... either you have seen it with ur own eyes or he has confessed in sound state of mind that he has committed zina and does not pray etc .... then my best advice to you would be to speak to an islamic scholar and end this marriage....

as for you saying that you will want to be with him in jannah then my dear sister you need to understand that perhaps allah (swt) will give you someone in marriage who will be more dear to you and who will call to you in jannah and will sacrifice himself for ur wellbeing and the wellbeing of ur children and for the sake of allah (SwT) and spend his life in the obedience of allah (Swt) and then you will be his queen in the akhira.... rather then wishing to be the queen of the one who is disobedient to allah (Swt) u shld wish to be queen of the one who is righteous and pious... remember the duah of umm salmah (ra)... when her husband abu salmah (ra) a pious and god fearing person whom she loved greatly died, she made duah to allah (swT)... oh allah (Swt) save me from this trouble and grant me something better... little did she know that allah (Swt) answered her duah in a way that she would not have expected and she became the wife of the prophet (saW) ....

may allah (swT) be with you always my sister and with your family and with me and all of us (ameen)

[miniroll]

assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu

firstly i would like to say may allah (swt) give you and your children the best in this life and the best in the akhira and raise you from amongst those who have been true to their covenant with allah (swt) ...and for me aswell (ameen)

secondly i am of those that adopt a very harsh attitude with sisters when it comes to breaking off ties with thier husbands and their families...

however this harshness is deserved for those who seek to break the tie or marriage due to a dislike they have in their husband or lack of patience or lack of trust in allah (Swt) or because of a lack of understanding of islam....

a family is not just a husband and a wife, it is a total family and includes your children and your deen.... you say you love your husband... yet how can you love him who goes to blatantly against the deen of allah (SwT)... when we choose our partners we look to our future kids and ask ourselves how will such a person be a good mother or father for my children, it is one of the rights that a child has on her parents.... yet what kind of upbringing will such a person who goes and commits adultery give to your children, what kind of person will be if he does not pray and does not do his islamic duties... perhaps you love something which is bad for you and stay away from something which is good for u...

allah (swt) does not like divorce but he has permitted it and this is one of the reasons he has permitted it... and has given the woman the option for khula.... if what you are saying is true and confirmed.... and by that i mean rigorously confirmed ie not through rumours or because you have seen something on his phone or heard him say something to someone.... either you have seen it with ur own eyes or he has confessed in sound state of mind that he has committed zina and does not pray etc .... then my best advice to you would be to speak to an islamic scholar and end this marriage....

as for you saying that you will want to be with him in jannah then my dear sister you need to understand that perhaps allah (swt) will give you someone in marriage who will be more dear to you and who will call to you in jannah and will sacrifice himself for ur wellbeing and the wellbeing of ur children and for the sake of allah (SwT) and spend his life in the obedience of allah (Swt) and then you will be his queen in the akhira.... rather then wishing to be the queen of the one who is disobedient to allah (Swt) u shld wish to be queen of the one who is righteous and pious... remember the duah of umm salmah (ra)... when her husband abu salmah (ra) a pious and god fearing person whom she loved greatly died, she made duah to allah (swT)... oh allah (Swt) save me from this trouble and grant me something better... little did she know that allah (Swt) answered her duah in a way that she would not have expected and she became the wife of the prophet (saW) ....

may allah (swT) be with you always my sister and with your family and with me and all of us (ameen)


dear brother, my husband was not like this. i married him purely for the sake of deen. he was a muja- hid and made hijrat for Allah. he suffered imprisonment for his beliefs and for standing up to falsehood. he was uprighteous and strong in deen and character. when i heard of this i agreed to marry him without even seeing his face. he changed suddenly about 6 months ago and has now become everything that my heart goes against.

it is my old husband who i wish to be with in jannah. he says he needs my help but i have tried to help him for 6 months and failed. i feel i cannot go on after knowing what he has done (which he himself admitted from his own mouth) unless i see a willingness in him to change. he says he has no intention of changing but says he will do his best to give up the cheating.

even now in my heart i do not want to break ties with him. but there are so many factors involved here.

1. my children and the effect his change is having on them.

2. the betrayel, will i be able to overcome this hurdle and forget.

3. since he has no intention right now of coming back on deen there is the looming possibility of him betraying me again.

on the other hand, the fact that he needs me and is admitting that he has a problem and needs help is holding me back from khula. also the hope that he will come back on deen and once again inshAllah be the good pious man he once was.

mentally i am exhausted of trying and fear another dissapointment. deep down i think Allah wants me to continue with patience and trust in Him. in which case i need encouragement.

[Eemaan]

mini your always in my duas :love:

How do you know his infidelities have stopped? time and time again hes lied to you. He knows how devoted you are to him and this is his greatest weapon in keeping you loyal and devoted to him.

are you still giving him money??

[miniroll]

mini your always in my duas :love:

How do you know his infidelities have stopped? time and time again hes lied to you. He knows how devoted you are to him and this is his greatest weapon in keeping you loyal and devoted to him.

are you still giving him money??


hes says hes prepared to take his pin off his fone so i can see who he is in touch with. i know hes no longer with that girl as her parents now know about it and are shocked at his lies. he continually says he is confused. if there is sihr on him then he has an excuse?

i know i will never fully be able to trust him until he comes back on deen and i know this will cause more problems. i gave him money once after we had the brother mediate between us and he agreed to make effort to work things out. i thought everything was getting better and Allah had chosen ease for me. i wasnt prepared for another blow like this.

[Eemaan]

hes pushed you and pushed you and pushed you to breaking point. in the past 6 months hes not done a single persistent action to prove hes going to change.

[umm_yusuf]

Asalaamu 'alaikum ya ukhti,

Subhanallah, my heart goes out to you. Allah knows best your situation but my advice is to make du'a, make istikhara, seek help and counsel from those who have knowledge and make a decision.

May Allah guide you in the steps you take, may He purify you through your hardship and patience and may He bless you with ease in this dunya and elevate your status in the akhirah.


So, verily, with every difficulty, there is relief: Verily, with every difficulty there is relief. (94:5-6)

[me.sawda]

If you want to give this matter time in the hope of matters would go better please do it. Feamanillah sister. Our prayer is with you top most Allah is with you!
Well, give salam to your husband when he wakes up or before going out and when he returns. Salam brings love and peace. Please give it a try.:)
Allah be with you

[Al-Irhaab]

dear brother, my husband was not like this. i married him purely for the sake of deen. he was a muja- hid and made hijrat for Allah. he suffered imprisonment for his beliefs and for standing up to falsehood. he was uprighteous and strong in deen and character. when i heard of this i agreed to marry him without even seeing his face. he changed suddenly about 6 months ago and has now become everything that my heart goes against.

it is my old husband who i wish to be with in jannah. he says he needs my help but i have tried to help him for 6 months and failed. i feel i cannot go on after knowing what he has done (which he himself admitted from his own mouth) unless i see a willingness in him to change. he says he has no intention of changing but says he will do his best to give up the cheating.

even now in my heart i do not want to break ties with him. but there are so many factors involved here.

1. my children and the effect his change is having on them.

2. the betrayel, will i be able to overcome this hurdle and forget.

3. since he has no intention right now of coming back on deen there is the looming possibility of him betraying me again.

on the other hand, the fact that he needs me and is admitting that he has a problem and needs help is holding me back from khula. also the hope that he will come back on deen and once again inshAllah be the good pious man he once was.

mentally i am exhausted of trying and fear another dissapointment. deep down i think Allah wants me to continue with patience and trust in Him. in which case i need encouragement.

sister the reward of what he has been through is with him and allah (swt), believe me the jihad and the hijarah and the imprisonments are blessings to him from allah (swT) but the freedom is a test, a test to see will he continue to be true to allah (swT) in the future will he maintain on the path that he was on or will he divert away, may allah (SwT) save us all from diversion.... ask yourself my sister if it is true that you can look over his adultery, because perhaps in such a place you can make excuse for him and forgive him and leave his sin between him and allah (SwT) but can you overlook the need for him to repent and for him to go back to the commandments of allah (SwT), does he feel a need to repent, will he at least maintain the basics of islam.... sister a friend of mine asked an alim recently about a sister who wanted to marry his brother, she had done zina in the past and she had said she repented but she did not practice the deen still, so the alim said how can there be taubah of sin without maintaining the basics of islam, how could the sister say she had done taubah when she still refused to wear the hijab and refused to pray? in the same manner ask your husband what use is his sacrificing in the way of allah (swT) before if he is not capable to be true to you and allah (swT) now, the jihad is fought and the hijrah is done not to give any benefit to allah (SwT) but to give benefit to the person engaging in these actions, to look after the weak and the ill and oppressed, but subhanallah if you cannot maintain justice to the ones closest to you then what acceptance is there of the jihad that u make for the ones who are distant??

i ask myself what would i do if i was in ur position, if my wife naudhubillah commited adultery then i would see no other alternative but to divorce, it takes great forgiveness from you to ask him still to repent and do taubah to allah (SwT) but in return he must be sincere in his taubah and must be complete and the essential of this is his prayer.... it is enough of a reason to divorce someone if he doesnt pray never mind anything above this....

your desire for the deen is evident... one thing i would advise you is that don't think that if you do choose to divorce him allah (swT) will not give you someone who you love more and someone who loves you more and someone who will strive with u in the matters of the deen and complete you....

speak to the learned people again and speak to people who have an influence over ur husband, ie his friends or elders or teachers... and most importantly do istikhara... for none who do istikhara and ask advice from the learned are misguided by allah (SwT)....

may allah (swt) make it easy for you and your family and for me and give you the best in this life and the best in the akhira and for me (ameen)

[heaven2002]

:salams

dear sister, if u did not have children then i would advise considering seperation from him. But as you have children and as you also believe theres a slight chance he might return to being the husband you once knew, then i advise you to stay with him for another few months atleast. give him a bit more time to prove that he has changed. and also tell him that he has to pray if he wants to stay in your life and your childrens lives.
may Allah make things easier for you

[Eemaan]

mini, from the extreme of hijrah to the exteme of removing every trace of Islamic identity on his face and being and sleeping around. how are you supposed to carry on respecting this man when he refuses to help himself? :(

your desire for the deen is evident... one thing i would advise you is that don't think that if you do choose to divorce him allah (swT) will not give you someone who you love more and someone who loves you more and someone who will strive with u in the matters of the deen and complete you....

i completely agree. the above sums it up quite well. you have so much love and devotion in you, your love for that man despite everything youve been through is like nothing ive ever seen before, what man would not beneift from such amazing qualities in a wife?

You are an amzing mother and you personify what it means to be a good wife. you have so much strength and sabr subhanallah if you knew how much you were being rewarded by allah for your every affliction. :love:
what man would not benefit from such virtues.

He doesnt deserve you or your children. He cant even provide for you financially nor does he pray or maintain his deen. Hes given up already and not mounouvered in the slightest to make ammends.

[miniroll]

sister the reward of what he has been through is with him and allah (swt), believe me the jihad and the hijarah and the imprisonments are blessings to him from allah (swT) but the freedom is a test, a test to see will he continue to be true to allah (swT) in the future will he maintain on the path that he was on or will he divert away, may allah (SwT) save us all from diversion.... ask yourself my sister if it is true that you can look over his adultery, because perhaps in such a place you can make excuse for him and forgive him and leave his sin between him and allah (SwT) but can you overlook the need for him to repent and for him to go back to the commandments of allah (SwT), does he feel a need to repent, will he at least maintain the basics of islam.... sister a friend of mine asked an alim recently about a sister who wanted to marry his brother, she had done zina in the past and she had said she repented but she did not practice the deen still, so the alim said how can there be taubah of sin without maintaining the basics of islam, how could the sister say she had done taubah when she still refused to wear the hijab and refused to pray? in the same manner ask your husband what use is his sacrificing in the way of allah (swT) before if he is not capable to be true to you and allah (swT) now, the jihad is fought and the hijrah is done not to give any benefit to allah (SwT) but to give benefit to the person engaging in these actions, to look after the weak and the ill and oppressed, but subhanallah if you cannot maintain justice to the ones closest to you then what acceptance is there of the jihad that u make for the ones who are distant??

i ask myself what would i do if i was in ur position, if my wife naudhubillah commited adultery then i would see no other alternative but to divorce, it takes great forgiveness from you to ask him still to repent and do taubah to allah (SwT) but in return he must be sincere in his taubah and must be complete and the essential of this is his prayer.... it is enough of a reason to divorce someone if he doesnt pray never mind anything above this....

your desire for the deen is evident... one thing i would advise you is that don't think that if you do choose to divorce him allah (swT) will not give you someone who you love more and someone who loves you more and someone who will strive with u in the matters of the deen and complete you....

speak to the learned people again and speak to people who have an influence over ur husband, ie his friends or elders or teachers... and most importantly do istikhara... for none who do istikhara and ask advice from the learned are misguided by allah (SwT)....

may allah (swt) make it easy for you and your family and for me and give you the best in this life and the best in the akhira and for me (ameen)

i understand what you are saying brother. my heart can eventually put behind the adultry for the sake of Allah, ..."but whoever forgives and makes reconciliation, his reward is due from Allah." (42:40) but to continue living with him while he is in his present condition is very difficult. when he got caught out and said sorry and told me he regretted what he did and wanted to kill himself afterwards, my natural reaction was that he will do taubah and start to change. i thought maybe out of this some good has come. his returning to Allah is more important to saving our marraige than his just stopping the adultry. with the former all possibilties of him oppressing me are gone.

i tried to remind him today why i married him and how his being on deen is so important to me and our children. his answer was that i can change in that i will not cheat but regarding my dress and music and prayer i am not ready to change yet and i will not change for you i will change for Allah when i am ready. but what does it take for a person to leave his sins and come back to Allah? is all this that is happening not enough for him? he asked me to at least try to live with me for a few months and see if it works. i am afraid that he will betray me again.

he then later said ok, i will speak to my freind (who is on deen) for advice. i dont know what has come of that but i just hope and pray his friend can talk some sense into him. i have spoken to his friend a few times and asked him for assistance. but no matter what anyone of us does to help or advise him, the change has to come from him.

[miniroll]

:salams

dear sister, if u did not have children then i would advise considering seperation from him. But as you have children and as you also believe theres a slight chance he might return to being the husband you once knew, then i advise you to stay with him for another few months atleast. give him a bit more time to prove that he has changed. and also tell him that he has to pray if he wants to stay in your life and your childrens lives.
may Allah make things easier for you

i worry that such an ultimatum may turn him away more from deen. i also worry that if i stay with him for longer in hope, he will do the same again and i dont know if this makes sense but i want to protect myself from getting betrayed again

[miniroll]

mini, from the extreme of hijrah to the exteme of removing every trace of Islamic identity on his face and being and sleeping around. how are you supposed to carry on respecting this man when he refuses to help himself? :(



i completely agree. the above sums it up quite well. you have so much love and devotion in you, your love for that man despite everything youve been through is like nothing ive ever seen before, what man would not beneift from such amazing qualities in a wife?

You are an amzing mother and you personify what it means to be a good wife. you have so much strength and sabr subhanallah if you knew how much you were being rewarded by allah for your every affliction. :love:
what man would not benefit from such virtues.

He doesnt deserve you or your children. He cant even provide for you financially nor does he pray or maintain his deen. Hes given up already and not mounouvered in the slightest to make ammends.

eemaan i feel to blame for a lot of the change he has undergone. i am under the influence of magic and have been all our married life. i cannot say i have been a good wife. i feel very much to blame.

[Al-Irhaab]

eemaan i feel to blame for a lot of the change he has undergone. i am under the influence of magic and have been all our married life. i cannot say i have been a good wife. i feel very much to blame.

sister naudhubillah may allah (swT) forgive you for what you have said....

sehr does not make a person do sin, sehr does not drive another person to do haram, sehr does not make someone leave their prayers.... i have suffered from sehr and probably still suffer from it aswell, but mashallah it has not stopped me or anyone close to me from praying.... a person chooses his own direction and the blame ultimately lies with him and no one else... he chooses good over evil or evil over good.... sister fear allah (swT) by blaming urself u will ultimately justify his actions and this will have consequences on both u and ur children... if u are suffering from sehr and have maintained ur deen then what does that show u about it.... also the prophet (SaW) said that amongst those who will enter jannah without reckoning are a portion of my ummah who had sehr on them but did not seek ruqyah aw kama qala nabiyyuna (saW)....

may allah (Swt) alleviate u from ur suffering and me to (ameen)

[Eemaan]

may allah (Swt) alleviate u from ur suffering and me to (ameen)

ameen

eemaan i feel to blame for a lot of the change he has undergone. i am under the influence of magic and have been all our married life. i cannot say i have been a good wife. i feel very much to blame.

:mad:

i KNOW you. you are the best examples of wife i know amongst all my friends.
Your conviction to deen, your husband and children is parralled to nothing we see in common day marraiges.

you live and breathe your husband and children.

you gave up EVERYTHING for deen. first your father, then your mother and then everyone else, simply because they reviled what you believed.

Yiou are being tested and tested and when i look at you i know your not failing. your face still emanates noor when i see you, looking at you a person would not thing you have all this hardship in yourlife.
You earn for the family within your home, look after three beautiful and VERY WEEL ADJUSTED children by yourself (yeah big deal, he takes them to school), you cook, clean and maintain the household, you continue to pray your salah read quran amongst the other acts of ibadah. you do more in a hour than your husband does in a week for your children, whers has this dilusion of you not being a good wife come from??? he doesnt deserve you.

your in no position to say youve not been a good wife.

[miniroll]

sister naudhubillah may allah (swT) forgive you for what you have said....

sehr does not make a person do sin, sehr does not drive another person to do haram, sehr does not make someone leave their prayers.... i have suffered from sehr and probably still suffer from it aswell, but mashallah it has not stopped me or anyone close to me from praying.... a person chooses his own direction and the blame ultimately lies with him and no one else... he chooses good over evil or evil over good.... sister fear allah (swT) by blaming urself u will ultimately justify his actions and this will have consequences on both u and ur children... if u are suffering from sehr and have maintained ur deen then what does that show u about it.... also the prophet (SaW) said that amongst those who will enter jannah without reckoning are a portion of my ummah who had sehr on them but did not seek ruqyah aw kama qala nabiyyuna (saW)....

may allah (Swt) alleviate u from ur suffering and me to (ameen)


i have often thought that i am suffering from sihr but have turned back to Allah and maintianed my link with Allah. but when i talk to my husband he confuses me a lot. he says my actions effect him and in this way the sihr is in this way has indirectly affected him. further he feels there is seperate sihr on him. i get confused when he talks to me he has an answer for everything. but you are right. i should do istikhara and come to a decision.

[Al-Irhaab]

i have often thought that i am suffering from sihr but have turned back to Allah and maintianed my link with Allah. but when i talk to my husband he confuses me a lot. he says my actions effect him and in this way the sihr is in this way has indirectly affected him. further he feels there is seperate sihr on him. i get confused when he talks to me he has an answer for everything. but you are right. i should do istikhara and come to a decision.

say to him that words are cheap without action.... ask him what u have done that could have driven him towards zina and abandoning his prayer.... and ask him to speak to any alim about sehr and they will all agree that sehr does not take one away from prayer or islam.... ask an alim to sit with both of u and go through the issues and mediate this would be very helpful... and to separate for a little while might not be a bad thing either....

[Senad]

Sister if he was a good Muslim and he did this then KNOW that he was NOT a good Muslim. If I could I would gladly, without any remorse, put the Shariah punishment on both of them. What a disgusting piece of trash both of them are.

I'm sorry sister and to whoever else if I seem harsh but this man is no good. He is still not a believer if he refuses to pray etc. To repent means to change yourself from your past as a WHOLE NEW/BETTER PERSON and he is refusing to do that. Magic or not his choices are his own and he did wrong. A believer will always be protected by Allah by such things just as our Prophet (SAWS) was. What a horrible horrible horrible delima you have and what a horrible horrible horrible person that man is and that girl is for being able to perform such a HEINOUS act.

FIRST OF ALL To YOU AND YOUR FAMILY:
==============
May Allah grant you heaven and may he guide you and your children on the right path. May Allah ease your pain and may he grant you the best in life. May he grant you the best in the next. May he shower his love and mercy upon you. Amin.
===============

To the Unbelievers:
===============
May he find the straight path again InshAllah and may he repent and may Allah accept his repentance. May he do good deeds from here on out so Allah will grant him mercy and wisdom. Amin.

May the girl find the straight path, repent, and may Allah inshAllah forgive her. Amin.
===============

SISTER KNOW THIS:

But those who reject Faith after they accepted it, and then go on adding to their defiance of Faith,- never will their repentance be accepted; for they are those who have (of set purpose) gone astray. 3:90

As to those who reject Faith, and die rejecting,- never would be accepted from any such as much gold as the earth contains, though they should offer it for ransom. For such is (in store) a penalty grievous, and they will find no helpers. 3:91

Pray Istihare and think about what is best for YOUR RELIGION, YOUR FAMILY (and the ability to raise them as good Muslims), and yourself. NOT him.

Do not also fear of being alone. Allah will provide for you and he will get what's coming to him.

[journey2jannah]

zina is a major sin and a serious crime, especially on the part of one whom Allaah has blessed with marriage, but he was ungrateful for the blessing of Allah (swt), betrayed you, transgressed your honour. Hence the punishment for this married man is to be stoned to death, as a punishment from Allaah (swt), and Allaah (swt) is Almighty and Most Wise.

But by His Mercy, He shows kindness to His slaves, gives them respite and invites them to repent, and He accepts repentance and gives reward for it. How merciful, great and kind He is, may He be glorified and exalted.

Allaah (swt) says (interpretation of the meaning):

“And those who invoke not any other ilaah (god) along with Allaah, nor kill such person as Allaah has forbidden, except for just cause, nor commit illegal sexual intercourse ___and whoever does this shall receive the punishment.

69. The torment will be doubled to him on the Day of Resurrection, and he will abide therein in disgrace;

70. Except those who repent and believe (in Islamic Monotheism), and do righteous deeds; for those, Allaah will change their sins into good deeds, and Allaah is Oft‑Forgiving, Most Merciful”

[al-Furqaan 25:68-70]

So continue repenting and advise your husband to repent and turning to Allah (swt), beseeching Allaah to accept it from you, and Allaah accepts the repentance of those who repent.

One of the signs that Allaah has accepted repentance is that He conceals His slave and does not expose him, and He extends his life span so that he will draw close to Him and make his peace with Him.


May Allah (swt) bless you.

:salams

[neelu]

(Takes Irhaab off ignore)

Mashallah akhi, sound advice:up: It really sounds like the husband is one of those people who blames shaytan for what he does with his own hands:rolleyes:

Ukhti remember that parents are the role models to their children. It sounds like at the start of your marriage you were both good role models but do you have a daughter? Do you want her to grow up believing that she is such a worthless person, that only her husband has a right to her being chaste and loyal, but she doesn't have the right to that same loyalty herself? Children often grow up to have similarities to their parents and those similarities often extend to how they handle marriage. Do you have a son? Would you want him to grow up thinking that he is entitled to have the best, most chaste wife but it's okay to sleep around because she's expected to stay with him and "have sabr", or he can blame shaytan or sihr and try to get away with it because that is what his role models are showing him?

[Al-Irhaab]

(Takes Irhaab off ignore)

Mashallah akhi, sound advice:up: It really sounds like the husband is one of those people who blames shaytan for what he does with his own hands:rolleyes:

Ukhti remember that parents are the role models to their children. It sounds like at the start of your marriage you were both good role models but do you have a daughter? Do you want her to grow up believing that she is such a worthless person, that only her husband has a right to her being chaste and loyal, but she doesn't have the right to that same loyalty herself? Children often grow up to have similarities to their parents and those similarities often extend to how they handle marriage. Do you have a son? Would you want him to grow up thinking that he is entitled to have the best, most chaste wife but it's okay to sleep around because she's expected to stay with him and "have sabr", or he can blame shaytan or sihr and try to get away with it because that is what his role models are showing him?

u got me on ignore.... :rubeyes::(

thats just cruel...

















i like it :D

[bint]

ameen



:mad:

i KNOW you. you are the best examples of wife i know amongst all my friends.
Your conviction to deen, your husband and children is parralled to nothing we see in common day marraiges.

you live and breathe your husband and children.

you gave up EVERYTHING for deen. first your father, then your mother and then everyone else, simply because they reviled what you believed.

Yiou are being tested and tested and when i look at you i know your not failing. your face still emanates noor when i see you, looking at you a person would not thing you have all this hardship in yourlife.
You earn for the family within your home, look after three beautiful and VERY WEEL ADJUSTED children by yourself (yeah big deal, he takes them to school), you cook, clean and maintain the household, you continue to pray your salah read quran amongst the other acts of ibadah. you do more in a hour than your husband does in a week for your children, whers has this dilusion of you not being a good wife come from??? he doesnt deserve you.

your in no position to say youve not been a good wife.


man ..

i dunno what to say im speechless...ive been having alot of dejavus recentluy one of them being that sihr is breaking up families..

May Allah reward you sis for ure patience and may he grant ure children happiness..good things comes to those who wait..fa sabrun jameel sis..

Brother Irhaab has given sound advice and listen to sister Eemaan..dont scold ureself too much, look forward, And InshaAllah Allah will guide you all the way..

Ameen thumma Ameen.

[Kal-El]

*takes everybody off Ignore*

[Abdulah]

I just hope your kids aren't affected by this too much, inshallah. I hope it all works out for you in the end. Allah knows best.

[miniroll]

jazakAllahu khairan for your replies and duas.

my husband prayed 'asr in the masjid today. i know it doesnt sound like much but its a start i guess. if he shows willingness and consistency with trying to make effort with salah and with deen and in correcting his ways then i am willing to work things out but also with someone to mediate between us. he has been refusing and avoiding mediation for a long time now. i suggested it again today and he agreed alhamdulillah.

saving our marriage rests on his shoulders now. if he is making effort to change then we can work things out and if he takes the first step Allah will make the second step easy for him.

in any case i will do istikhara inshAllah.

i think for me its time to take a step back and watch what Allah has planned for me...

...its in situations like this that you realise how little control you have over the events that unfold in your life. Allah is the Controler of our affairs and in Him we place our complete trust. we find solace in the fact that this life is temporary and so are the trials that come along with it. eternal bliss in the gardens is far more satisfying and rewarding than temporary happiness in this world.

please keep me, my children and also my husband in your duas...

p.s. jazakAllahu khairan to brother Al-irhab for your sound and beneficial advice. May Allah bless you and your family and alleviate you from your difficulties also. ameen

[miniroll]

edit

[Al-Irhaab]

jazakAllahu khairan for your replies and duas.

my husband prayed 'asr in the masjid today. i know it doesnt sound like much but its a start i guess. if he shows willingness and consistency with trying to make effort with salah and with deen and in correcting his ways then i am willing to work things out but also with someone to mediate between us. he has been refusing and avoiding mediation for a long time now. i suggested it again today and he agreed alhamdulillah.

saving our marriage rests on his shoulders now. if he is making effort to change then we can work things out and if he takes the first step Allah will make the second step easy for him.

in any case i will do istikhara inshAllah.

i think for me its time to take a step back and watch what Allah has planned for me...

...its in situations like this that you realise how little control you have over the events that unfold in your life. Allah is the Controler of our affairs and in Him we place our complete trust. we find solace in the fact that this life is temporary and so are the trials that come along with it. eternal bliss in the gardens is far more satisfying and rewarding than temporary happiness in this world.

please keep me, my children and also my husband in your duas...

p.s. jazakAllahu khairan to brother Al-irhab for your sound and beneficial advice. May Allah bless you and your family and alleviate you from your difficulties also. ameen

mashallah sister its good news... wallahi with allah (swT) there is hope... inshallah if he willing to make a change then allah (swt) will reward you both.... ensure that he takes mediation this will help you a lot and will give him and you confidence in working things out....

barakallahu fik my dear sister for ur duah may allah (Swt) watch over you and your family always and give you the best in this world and the best in the akhira and for me aswell.... if things go well please let us know aswell mashallah so we can all be happy in your happiness

[Cashew]

I don't know.

If a person can believe that she's been a victim of "magic," then all bets are off.

I was under the obviously mistaken impression that Islam absolutely prohibited all belief in magic and superstition...

Thereby elevating men and women to the true human dignity of taking responsibility for their actions, right or wrong, in this world.

But, hey, if Islam allows people to believe in "magic," then why all this personal anguish? It's all out of your control anyway!

(To me this seems absolute madness. Why did Allah send the Prophet Muhammad [pbuh] into the world if Allah's Message can be so easily destroyed by "magic"?)

The wife in this situation seems as irrational as the husband.

If "magic" can destroy your marriage this time, who's to say it won't happen again and again and again?

If you truly believe this to be true, I'd spend less time on Islam and more time learning about magic, which you seem to believe is the most powerful force in the world.

[PiElle]

I don't know.

If a person can believe that she's been a victim of "magic," then all bets are off.

I was under the obviously mistaken impression that Islam absolutely prohibited all belief in magic and superstition...

Thereby elevating men and women to the true human dignity of taking responsibility for their actions, right or wrong, in this world.

But, hey, if Islam allows people to believe in "magic," then why all this personal anguish? It's all out of your control anyway!

(To me this seems absolute madness. Why did Allah send the Prophet Muhammad [pbuh] into the world if Allah's Message can be so easily destroyed by "magic"?)

The wife in this situation seems as irrational as the husband.

If "magic" can destroy your marriage this time, who's to say it won't happen again and again and again?

If you truly believe this to be true, I'd spend less time on Islam and more time learning about magic, which you seem to believe is the most powerful force in the world.

Yup... you sure "don't know". You prolly got magic done on you too! :hidban:

[MG]

as salaam alaikum,

i have posted here before about my situation...

http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthread.php?t=115340

the conclusion is that my husband has commit zina with a girl who just turned 17. he did this approx 3 weeks ago after giving me the impression he wanted to work things out. i found out 3 days ago and he admitted to me what he did. we had a brother mediate between us about 2 weeks ago we both agreed to work things out. even then he went to meet her. he spent the money i earned on her... to take her to out, to buy her an expensive dress. he has ended it with her after he got found out. he would have carried on if this had not come out in the open. he promised to marry her, met her parents, they did not know he was already married. he told the girl he was married very recently and he also lied to her about his age.

i found out after having gone through his phone bill as i knew something was not right. i have had to hear so many repulsive descriptions about my husbands antics, i had to hear them tell me how i was not enough for him, i even had to hear from their other boyfriends who would call me and abuse me all night and day with lies to further provoke me against my husband. in the end, the filth i have had to face has gotten too much.

i am a women who has kept myself pure. i wore hijab against my family at the age of 14. i have never been involved with this filth. words that i couldnt utter and things that i would rather die than listen to have become part fo casual conversation for the past few days. its just too much...

we had confirmed from a reliable amil that i have had sihr done on me for 5+ years (since the beginning of my marraige). which explains a lot of things. i was told by the amil that even though there is sihr on me to break up my marriage, i have to use will power to fight this. i don't want to blame my marriage problems entriely on magic and sit down free of any responsibilty. i know i could have done better and there are many regrets i have and many mistakes i have made. my husband also insists that there is magic on him, but the amil has not yet confirmed this to me and i dont fully believe my husband. i feel he may be saying this so that he can create an excuse for his bahaviour.

while i have been going around from person to person in desperate attempts to save my marriage and while i have been making so many efforts to please him and make him happy, he has been betraying me and damaging our marriage. he keeps saying he is confused, he doesnt know what he is doing and why.

now he says he is willing to stop lieing and cheating but he is not ready to change his appearance and start to pray. i am worried about the effects he is having and has had on my children. he is asking me to wait until the sihr has been lifted from me before i make a desicion which will take a couple of months at least.

a man on deen was so important to me that i sacrificed everything for it. i don't know if i could live with a man who has become everything i hate in the hope that one day he will change. i also know i will struggle a lot to come to terms with the betrayal. i have already forgiven him but i dont know if i can forget and that may cause problems in the future.

i am totally lost and confused. i have no idea what to do. if we end the marriage i know i will not be able to marry anyone else again in the hope that Allah will give him back to me in jannah the way he once was. i have to be prepared to live a life alone with my children.

if i agree to stay with him and work things out i am very scared of another dissapointment, and this time i know my heart will not be able to handle another blow. inside i am in pieces. i am trying very very hard to think with my head. its not easy. sabr is very hard to come by these days and anger, the feeling of betrayel, and confusion are taking over me, such that i fear that i may become too weak to guard my salaah. he will not divorce me and i will have to get a khula. in anger i had decided to get a khula but now having thought about it i am not sure. i do not want to make a decision i will regret as there are a lot of lives involved here.

there is no one else for me to ask advice from. the sheikh i was in touch with has said to me i have to decide wether i can be patient and live with this man while he is in his present condition, or for the sake of my sanity, and the wellbeing of my children, leave him.

what should i do?


wa alaikum aslaam sister,

im am so sorry to hear what u and your children are going thru, may allah swt end this misery for you soon and grant u sabr ameen.

Firstly i dont think u should ask people whether u should leave someone or not because its you that is going thru this, it is you that is living it and it is u that will have to live with the decision and your children.

Secondly, when something goes wrong with us, Allah swt has said that he does not want to inflict punishment on us and what bad things happen to us, it is what we have earned with our own hands . Please dont get me wrong, im not saying that this is all your fault as we are all responsible for the burden of our own sins and not others' but allah swt has put u in this situation for a reason. The first thing i would advise u to do is to ask allah's SWT forgiveness for any wrong that u may have done from your side, or that u may not know about, i.e. cover yourself.

Know that Allah swt never keeps your situation the same, it will always be changing and inshallah this misery will end for u soon. So far u have had sabr(an immense amount) and this will not go unrewarded sister, the fruits of having sabr are immense in themselves.

My personal opinion would be that instead of feeling that you need to
make a decision on wether to divorce him or not, why not live away from him for a 1-2weeks with your children? gather yourself togethr, sort your mind out and inshallah it will give him time to reflect as well? Allah swt tells us in the quran time and time again that we must reflect, reflect , reflect.

I never advise anyone to divorce because i have seen relationships around me that have gone thru the most miserable and painful times and if u were to see these couples now, mashallah they worship the ground each other walks on.

Sister this is a trial for u and the end of it will come but not before the time of its ending that has been decreed arrives. We cant rush these things, and ask Allah swt to hurry it up, no matter how much pain we might b going thru, its like eating a fruit b4 its ripe, not a good taste is it? much better wen u have sabr and wait till its ripe (ok i know that must a have been a really bad example! but u get my drift.) .

Also, if he HAS been sleeping with other women, he might wanna go get checked out , as u dont wanna put your health at risk, especially as u dont know what he has been upto, just a thought.

I dont know how old your chidlren are but please dont argue in front of them or let them know whats going on as much as u can, i know it must be difficult and kids can sense these things but both of u must work together to protect your children from this situation you are goin thru, it can affect children in different ways.

If he says he wants to give up wat he is doing, thats a good sign sis and gives u something to work on but u need to make that decision whether u are willing to be there to support him thru this or not,and risk being hurt? would it be worth it if u both succeed and for the chidlren to?

Sit him down, ask him how this all started ? it cant have been overnight that he had such good islamic character and then boom! he slept with a girl. Shaytan works in footsteps he doesnt suddenley say "go and sleepwith so and so" becos as muslim we know that is wrong.

Ask him where it all started?
what was he thinking?

what did he feel after he committed this sin?

has he been repenting to allah swt?

what does he want from this relationship?

how does he want YOU to help him?

use this opportunity to show him how serious the situation is in regards to your marriage. Whateveru and whatever u hear from him sis, do not lose your temper and jus have sabr while u are doing this.

Pray 2 rakat salat b4 attempting to do the above, may allah swt make u successful. I would advise that every nigth (if u can,cos i doubt your getting much sleep) pray tahajjud and salat isitkharah (after each salat) asking allah swt to guide u to what is best for you and your family.

Sis i know this will be hard but u have heard alot worse from what u have been saying in your post, inshallah this cant be as worse as that.

May allah swt make things easy for you all and bring that happiness back to u that u once had ameen.

ok im gonna stop yabbering now :D

[Medievalist]

May ALLAH Ta'ala grant barakah in the imaan, islaam and ihsaan of all believers and make light for them their burdens - ameen

[MG]

May ALLAH Ta'ala grant barakah in the imaan, islaam and ihsaan of all believers and make light for them their burdens - ameen


ameen

[Strict2TheSunna]

I didn't read all the posts, but I'm telling you, please, take this advice. Cure the magic immediatly. Do not wait a second. Trust me, please.

[Quest]

Asalama alaykum wr wb

Hey mini so we meet again, i agree with eman that you saying you are not a good wife is total rubbish, ur posts alone show that you are.

for many sisters would have told an akii to pack and leave a long time ago.
uktii, you have shown patience, now u just have to remember that sabr has no limits.

i understand your concern about not knowing whether he will change in the future or not. so u naturally feel afraid to risk, it makes sense for sure, but remember sometimes the biggest regret is not in taking the risk, but in looking back one day and wondering if u should have risked.

who ur husband will be tomorrow only Allah knows, for he is the knower of the unseen, so istaqkara is a must. pray uktii and listen to ur istaqkara, remember Allah will answer ur istaqkara thru how events unfold. if your husband will not change then look for signs which show this, and if he makes the slightest improvement, pray for him. if Allah wishes that u leave him, then events will unfold in ways whereby all the doors of khayr regarding ur situation will shut to the extent where u are backed into a corner with no choice but to seek an alternative. hence why in istaqkara we say if the matter is shar for me keep me far far far away from it.

uktii, if ur children are at an impressionable age, it is their haqq that they have a good role model, and ur husband, our brother in diin, is not qualified right now.

putting aside divorce, how about separation?
if Allah wills that he becomes the man he once was, then what makes u think that this man would not want to return to his family when this trial is over?

i get the feeling that u have a) not thought this far ahead or b) u think that if u do divorce then thats it, even if he changes he wont come back to u.

ukti, u are a smart woman, and despite the fact that u may debate this, truth is u have iman. my advice to u, is to look carefully at the options. u are indecisive, and this is the perfect time to pray istaqkara.

the reason i suggested separation uktii is not because i want you to leave ur husband, but rather the fact that one who does not pray is haram for the believer. uktii if my memory serves me correctly if a spouse does not pray it invalidates the marriage, and Allah knows best. if this is right, then it makes no sense that u share his bed.

hence why i said separate. however if islamically it is allowed that u remain with him tho he doesnt pray, then i advice u to ride this to the end, and help him. your reward will be great even if after all this he doesnt change and u seek the alternative of divorce.


mini thru every trial there is a lesson to be learnt, wisdom can be derived from it, so search for this.

Allah does not burden a soul for more then they can bare, and so this is a test that u can pass.

Allah is the one who guides, and our hearts are between his fingers and he is the only one who can flip it towards righteousness.

turn and submit fully to him, after every hardship there comes relief.
remember if any would be allowed to guide someone it would have been the prophet muhammed scw and he would have guided Abu Talib.

uktii do ur part and deliver the message to ur husband. then step back and watch how events unfold.

for u can be a nice wife and pass him his shoes
you can be a sweet wife and help him to put them on
you can be kind and ty his lace
you can be great and help him to stand

but no matter what you can never ever make him walk, that he must do alone. by the will of Allah, so turn ur face ur heart and ur mind all together to Allah, there is no power or might but with him.

when ur husband decides to walk remember Allahs promise that he who comes to him walking he will go to him running.

remind ur husband of the hadith qudsi's
play surah baqarah in ur house so shaytan doesnt intervene in ur marriage for he hates marriage.

tips: do not nag ur husband abt returning to the path
rather enjoin in the good and forbid the evil, gently for Allah told musa a/s to do the same when he sent him to fir'aun, lastly remember ur husband is not worse then fir'aun and u are not better than musa.


u and ur family will be in my duas.

[Medievalist]

Just one point - when people give advice which include fiqhi rulings (such as neglect of salaah invalidating nikah) they should advise this is the opinion of whichever madhab.

If the sister is a hanafi then this ruling does NOT apply to her.

[Al-Irhaab]

I don't know.

If a person can believe that she's been a victim of "magic," then all bets are off.

I was under the obviously mistaken impression that Islam absolutely prohibited all belief in magic and superstition...

Thereby elevating men and women to the true human dignity of taking responsibility for their actions, right or wrong, in this world.

But, hey, if Islam allows people to believe in "magic," then why all this personal anguish? It's all out of your control anyway!

(To me this seems absolute madness. Why did Allah send the Prophet Muhammad [pbuh] into the world if Allah's Message can be so easily destroyed by "magic"?)

The wife in this situation seems as irrational as the husband.

If "magic" can destroy your marriage this time, who's to say it won't happen again and again and again?

If you truly believe this to be true, I'd spend less time on Islam and more time learning about magic, which you seem to believe is the most powerful force in the world.

islam does not believe in magic and superstition in the way the west or the east understands magic and superstition.... in islam we have a belief about something called sehr.... the closest word that is comparable to that in english is black magic.... however its not something that has control over you or makes you do something wrong or compels you to do an action.... its something which can affect your health or your mental health and the cure for it is to strengthen your spirituality.... it does not make you a better or worse person it affects you personally but you can overcome it with strong will and perseverance ... i repeat its not like a spell that someone gains control over you and suddenly everything goes down hill.... even people spreading rubbish in your ears and telling you rumours about your husband or wife and how bad they are is considered a form of sehr despite the fact there being nothing western type magic in it....

[Al-Irhaab]

Just one point - when people give advice which include fiqhi rulings (such as neglect of salaah invalidating nikah) they should advise this is the opinion of whichever madhab.

If the sister is a hanafi then this ruling does NOT apply to her.

no madhab says that leaving the salah invalidates nikah even the 'salafi' ulema do not say this..... there is a whole fiqh discussion on how abandoning the salah and then being explained by an alim the consequences of this and being punished by a qadhi etc before some of the ulem consider you to be murtad.... and this ruling applies in the position where there is islamic law aswell....

[Medievalist]

no madhab says that leaving the salah invalidates nikah even the 'salafi' ulema do not say this..... there is a whole fiqh discussion on how abandoning the salah and then being explained by an alim the consequences of this and being punished by a qadhi etc before some of the ulem consider you to be murtad.... and this ruling applies in the position where there is islamic law aswell....

yes there is a procedure but according to what I was taught one opinion amongst the salafiyyah is that when he begins to neglect salaah she is to remain aloof from him as their is possibility of qurbat between them being regarded as fornication if he is ultimately declared heretic.

[Al-Irhaab]

yes there is a procedure but according to what I was taught one opinion amongst the salafiyyah is that when he begins to neglect salaah she is to remain aloof from him as their is possibility of qurbat between them being regarded as fornication if he is ultimately declared heretic.

this again is the opinion of the ignorant amongst the 'salafiyyah' the ones who have islamic knowledge have always stated that first all the conditions must be met and a qadhi must sit with him and that he must understand what he is doing is kufr and that it must be within an islamic amarah so that he can be punished and ostracised and also taught about the salah... yes she has the option for valid khula if he stops praying but that is not the same as the nikah becoming invalid due to irtad.... some 'salafis' spread rulings without taking the time to understand them or ask for explanation from their shuyukh....

[Medievalist]

ALLAH Ta'ala knows best.

But the point was people should make clear which madhab they are giving the ruling from.

[miniroll]

mashallah sister its good news... wallahi with allah (swT) there is hope... inshallah if he willing to make a change then allah (swt) will reward you both.... ensure that he takes mediation this will help you a lot and will give him and you confidence in working things out....

barakallahu fik my dear sister for ur duah may allah (Swt) watch over you and your family always and give you the best in this world and the best in the akhira and for me aswell.... if things go well please let us know aswell mashallah so we can all be happy in your happiness

ameen.

inshAllah we are arranging mediation and ruqya for treating the sihr aswell. i have started praying istikhara also to help clear my confusion and alhamdulillah feel much more calm and able to think a little more clearly.

[miniroll]

wa alaikum aslaam sister,

im am so sorry to hear what u and your children are going thru, may allah swt end this misery for you soon and grant u sabr ameen.

Firstly i dont think u should ask people whether u should leave someone or not because its you that is going thru this, it is you that is living it and it is u that will have to live with the decision and your children.

Secondly, when something goes wrong with us, Allah swt has said that he does not want to inflict punishment on us and what bad things happen to us, it is what we have earned with our own hands . Please dont get me wrong, im not saying that this is all your fault as we are all responsible for the burden of our own sins and not others' but allah swt has put u in this situation for a reason. The first thing i would advise u to do is to ask allah's SWT forgiveness for any wrong that u may have done from your side, or that u may not know about, i.e. cover yourself.

Know that Allah swt never keeps your situation the same, it will always be changing and inshallah this misery will end for u soon. So far u have had sabr(an immense amount) and this will not go unrewarded sister, the fruits of having sabr are immense in themselves.

My personal opinion would be that instead of feeling that you need to
make a decision on wether to divorce him or not, why not live away from him for a 1-2weeks with your children? gather yourself togethr, sort your mind out and inshallah it will give him time to reflect as well? Allah swt tells us in the quran time and time again that we must reflect, reflect , reflect.

I never advise anyone to divorce because i have seen relationships around me that have gone thru the most miserable and painful times and if u were to see these couples now, mashallah they worship the ground each other walks on.

Sister this is a trial for u and the end of it will come but not before the time of its ending that has been decreed arrives. We cant rush these things, and ask Allah swt to hurry it up, no matter how much pain we might b going thru, its like eating a fruit b4 its ripe, not a good taste is it? much better wen u have sabr and wait till its ripe (ok i know that must a have been a really bad example! but u get my drift.) .

Also, if he HAS been sleeping with other women, he might wanna go get checked out , as u dont wanna put your health at risk, especially as u dont know what he has been upto, just a thought.

I dont know how old your chidlren are but please dont argue in front of them or let them know whats going on as much as u can, i know it must be difficult and kids can sense these things but both of u must work together to protect your children from this situation you are goin thru, it can affect children in different ways.

If he says he wants to give up wat he is doing, thats a good sign sis and gives u something to work on but u need to make that decision whether u are willing to be there to support him thru this or not,and risk being hurt? would it be worth it if u both succeed and for the chidlren to?

Sit him down, ask him how this all started ? it cant have been overnight that he had such good islamic character and then boom! he slept with a girl. Shaytan works in footsteps he doesnt suddenley say "go and sleepwith so and so" becos as muslim we know that is wrong.

Ask him where it all started?
what was he thinking?

what did he feel after he committed this sin?

has he been repenting to allah swt?

what does he want from this relationship?

how does he want YOU to help him?

use this opportunity to show him how serious the situation is in regards to your marriage. Whateveru and whatever u hear from him sis, do not lose your temper and jus have sabr while u are doing this.

Pray 2 rakat salat b4 attempting to do the above, may allah swt make u successful. I would advise that every nigth (if u can,cos i doubt your getting much sleep) pray tahajjud and salat isitkharah (after each salat) asking allah swt to guide u to what is best for you and your family.

Sis i know this will be hard but u have heard alot worse from what u have been saying in your post, inshallah this cant be as worse as that.

May allah swt make things easy for you all and bring that happiness back to u that u once had ameen.

ok im gonna stop yabbering now :D

jazakAllahu khairan sis, your yabbering was really helpful :) also for the reminder of turning to Allah and repenting.

i guess the news was a big shock and since my head has been in a mess for the last 6+ months i just wanted to be able to decide what to do to put an end to this ordeal. but you;re right, there is no need to make a decision now and i need to calm down and think and ask Allah's help through istikhara.

he tells me he feels regret and i do think he is sincere in this but i have yet to see the proof of this through his actions. when i see positive changes in him then i can know for sure that he does want to make ammends. we'll see what happens inshAllah, make dua sis.

[miniroll]

Asalama alaykum wr wb

Hey mini so we meet again, i agree with eman that you saying you are not a good wife is total rubbish, ur posts alone show that you are.

for many sisters would have told an akii to pack and leave a long time ago.
uktii, you have shown patience, now u just have to remember that sabr has no limits.

i understand your concern about not knowing whether he will change in the future or not. so u naturally feel afraid to risk, it makes sense for sure, but remember sometimes the biggest regret is not in taking the risk, but in looking back one day and wondering if u should have risked.

who ur husband will be tomorrow only Allah knows, for he is the knower of the unseen, so istaqkara is a must. pray uktii and listen to ur istaqkara, remember Allah will answer ur istaqkara thru how events unfold. if your husband will not change then look for signs which show this, and if he makes the slightest improvement, pray for him. if Allah wishes that u leave him, then events will unfold in ways whereby all the doors of khayr regarding ur situation will shut to the extent where u are backed into a corner with no choice but to seek an alternative. hence why in istaqkara we say if the matter is shar for me keep me far far far away from it.

uktii, if ur children are at an impressionable age, it is their haqq that they have a good role model, and ur husband, our brother in diin, is not qualified right now.

putting aside divorce, how about separation?
if Allah wills that he becomes the man he once was, then what makes u think that this man would not want to return to his family when this trial is over?

i get the feeling that u have a) not thought this far ahead or b) u think that if u do divorce then thats it, even if he changes he wont come back to u.

ukti, u are a smart woman, and despite the fact that u may debate this, truth is u have iman. my advice to u, is to look carefully at the options. u are indecisive, and this is the perfect time to pray istaqkara.

the reason i suggested separation uktii is not because i want you to leave ur husband, but rather the fact that one who does not pray is haram for the believer. uktii if my memory serves me correctly if a spouse does not pray it invalidates the marriage, and Allah knows best. if this is right, then it makes no sense that u share his bed.

hence why i said separate. however if islamically it is allowed that u remain with him tho he doesnt pray, then i advice u to ride this to the end, and help him. your reward will be great even if after all this he doesnt change and u seek the alternative of divorce.


mini thru every trial there is a lesson to be learnt, wisdom can be derived from it, so search for this.

Allah does not burden a soul for more then they can bare, and so this is a test that u can pass.

Allah is the one who guides, and our hearts are between his fingers and he is the only one who can flip it towards righteousness.

turn and submit fully to him, after every hardship there comes relief.
remember if any would be allowed to guide someone it would have been the prophet muhammed scw and he would have guided Abu Talib.

uktii do ur part and deliver the message to ur husband. then step back and watch how events unfold.

for u can be a nice wife and pass him his shoes
you can be a sweet wife and help him to put them on
you can be kind and ty his lace
you can be great and help him to stand

but no matter what you can never ever make him walk, that he must do alone. by the will of Allah, so turn ur face ur heart and ur mind all together to Allah, there is no power or might but with him.

when ur husband decides to walk remember Allahs promise that he who comes to him walking he will go to him running.

remind ur husband of the hadith qudsi's
play surah baqarah in ur house so shaytan doesnt intervene in ur marriage for he hates marriage.

tips: do not nag ur husband abt returning to the path
rather enjoin in the good and forbid the evil, gently for Allah told musa a/s to do the same when he sent him to fir'aun, lastly remember ur husband is not worse then fir'aun and u are not better than musa.


u and ur family will be in my duas.

jazakAllahun khairan my dear sis, you always give me the best advice and advice that settles my confusion and heals my heart :) may Allah Ta'ala reward you with the best rewards and grant you with the good that your heart desires. ameen. please keep me in your duas and keep in touch :love:

[Al-Muhaajiroun]

MMM, sounds like he has been possessed by jinn (s). Best way to find out sister is to play a CD Qur'an and see if he reacts funny to it, if he does then he is possessed. I hear similar stories, usually the hubby does unusual things and sometimes even hit the wife where prior to that he never did before.

[Al-Irhaab]

MMM, sounds like he has been possessed by jinn (s). Best way to find out sister is to play a CD Qur'an and see if he reacts funny to it, if he does then he is possessed. I hear similar stories, usually the hubby does unusual things and sometimes even hit the wife where prior to that he never did before.

being possessed by a jinn does not make u do zina etc it makes u crazy... it doesnt make u miss ur prayers and start acting funny with the deen... too many people believe things about jinn and sehr that they dont have knowledge off :smack:

[Eemaan]

MMM, sounds like he has been possessed by jinn (s). Best way to find out sister is to play a CD Qur'an and see if he reacts funny to it, if he does then he is possessed. I hear similar stories, usually the hubby does unusual things and sometimes even hit the wife where prior to that he never did before.

he nots possessed, hes just a very lost misguided individual who doesnt realise what a diamond of a wife he has.

if there was ever a moment to roll my eyes, this would be one.

i shall refrain.

[Al-Muhaajiroun]

he nots possessed, hes just a very lost misguided individual who doesnt realise what a diamond of a wife he has.

if there was ever a moment to roll my eyes, this would be one.

i shall refrain.
Why cannot be that he might be possessed? how comes you seem 100% confident that he's not? have I missed somethink?

[Al-Muhaajiroun]

being possessed by a jinn does not make u do zina etc it makes u crazy... it doesnt make u miss ur prayers and start acting funny with the deen... too many people believe things about jinn and sehr that they dont have knowledge off :smack:

Ok i get your point, sorry for posting.



To the troubled sister, be open minded and don't see one side of it but of course you must feel very angry and mad at him which no one should blame you for, but Masha ALLAH you seem to have alot of Sabr from what i read from your post.

[MG]

jazakAllahu khairan sis, your yabbering was really helpful :) also for the reminder of turning to Allah and repenting.

i guess the news was a big shock and since my head has been in a mess for the last 6+ months i just wanted to be able to decide what to do to put an end to this ordeal. but you;re right, there is no need to make a decision now and i need to calm down and think and ask Allah's help through istikhara.

he tells me he feels regret and i do think he is sincere in this but i have yet to see the proof of this through his actions. when i see positive changes in him then i can know for sure that he does want to make ammends. we'll see what happens inshAllah, make dua sis.


may allah swt grant u sabr, sakoon and happiness once again ameen.

Sis u have 2 positives their already, his regret and his sincerity , these are very big and are some of the things Allah swt asks for wen we repent to him, so u have something to work on.

U say u need to see positive changes, these wont happen straight away altho he says he wants it (this doesnot mean he is not sincere) becos at the start u will always falter when your trying to giv something up, so u have to be ready for that, it wont happen straight away. Its like wen your trying to give up drugs (no i havent been any alhumdulillah :p ) at the start u will sometimes fall and have to pick yourself up a few times but with time, u start finding it easier to give up if u have endured.

Sis its alot of hard work from you as well and inshallah i believe (from what u have sed) that u got something worth fighting for.

[miniroll]

[QUOTE=MG;1788321]may allah swt grant u sabr, sakoon and happiness once again ameen.

ameen.

Sis u have 2 positives their already, his regret and his sincerity , these are very big and are some of the things Allah swt asks for wen we repent to him, so u have something to work on.

U say u need to see positive changes, these wont happen straight away altho he says he wants it (this doesnot mean he is not sincere) becos at the start u will always falter when your trying to giv something up, so u have to be ready for that, it wont happen straight away. Its like wen your trying to give up drugs (no i havent been any alhumdulillah :p ) at the start u will sometimes fall and have to pick yourself up a few times but with time, u start finding it easier to give up if u have endured.

i understand completely that it won't be an overnight change and as long as he is showing signs of trying i can have something to hold onto. right now i have become really tired of making the continuous and exhausting efforts to save our marriage and its starting to take a toll on me so i just need something from him that will encourage me to keep going. i am prepared for him faltering just as long as he doesn't betray me again i can try and help him.

Sis its alot of hard work from you as well and inshallah i believe (from what u have sed) that u got something worth fighting for.

i hope so inshAllah. please keep me in your duas. may Allah bless you and your family and accept you for His deen. ameen

[PiElle]

you cannot help those who don't help themselves...

help yourself first... secure a place in your heart with Allah... the rest will follow...