View Full Version : Wld u give up all friends for husband-to-be
Sisters... if a muslim guy said he wants to marry you on one condition you give up all contacts with friends. Past, present and future. Would you do it?
Supernova Nebula
23-03-07, 03:18 AM
Sisters... if a muslim guy said he wants to marry you on one condition you give up all contacts with friends. Past, present and future. Would you do it?
how about him, would he? I think that's too much, u still need friends even when ure married, what's more if you have some wonderful friends:Dme talking about female friends and his male friends though.
how about him, would he? I think that's too much, u still need friends even when ure married, what's more if you have some wonderful friends:Dme talking about female friends and his male friends though.
well... you can have his friends, haha... but not your own. but then his friends wld be mostly guys... so you will still have no friends... and if you agree... what happens a friend called you out of the blue (after tracking you down for years) and you speak to the friend and then he calls you a liar... DOH!!!!
Mebbe the brothers can help me understand why this brother might ask for such request and do you think it's possible?
Khubaib
23-03-07, 03:41 AM
Mebbe the brothers can help me understand why this brother might ask for such request and do you think it's possible?
The only reason I can see him asking you this is is your friends are not muslim and he does not want you to be influenced by them. This is reasonable unless you sincerely have the intention of giving them da'wah. Perhaps he is afraid you will spend too much time with them and neglect your responsibilities in which case you can assure him you will not. Other than that I am out of ideas.
Note: I am sure this is not the case with you sister but some muslim sisters have male friends and this is haram. So just a reminder for all of us- may Allah protect us. Ameen.
The only reason I can see him asking you this is is your friends are not muslim and he does not want you to be influenced by them. This is reasonable unless you sincerely have the intention of giving them da'wah. Perhaps he is afraid you will spend too much time with them and neglect your responsibilities in which case you can assure him you will not. Other than that I am out of ideas.
Note: I am sure this is not the case with you sister but some muslim sisters have male friends and this is haram. So just a reminder for all of us- may Allah protect us. Ameen.
I used to have a muslim girlfriend whose husband didn't agree his wife seeing me for the same reason cos I was not muslim and might be a bad influence. Alhamdulillah, I have converted and my sister now didn't even dare tell him about my conversion...
Nobody can guarantee or control anything in this life, bro!
And I dun see how the promise can be made when one has no control.
But is there any wrong to show the world that we can be friendly muslims? Instead of pre-judging and avoid contact with all non-muslims?
I dun mean guys you go movies or dinner or hang out at some cafe having idle chatting.
It's a modern world now and if the wife has to work, there will be times when she has to deal with some male colleagues and business acquaintances. It also doesn't mean she hangs out with them...
Imagine the old times like Khadijah... she was a business woman, how she go about her dealings if she has no contact with anyone...? You think her husband can request her to give up all contacts, hence no business... no income?
It's pretty tough to live on a single income nowadays right?
So how can a sister counter this request?
Barracuda
23-03-07, 04:17 AM
:salams
Without stipulating this or something like this or making it conditional, I first dropped the activities and/or buddy system that I have before I got married. I made my friends aware that now the priorities have changed, thus, we will have to curtail things that we used to do. I don't want my wife is waiting to be attended and/or taken care off, while I am with you guys. Majority understood where I am coming from but few with "man superior" mentality labeled me to be spineless who is being controlled by a woman etcetera.
Anyway, it was way then and I never regretted of making that decision. I am a firm believer that family comes first than friends. I set my goals and/or priorities (1) Faith (2) Family (3) (Family) Friends (but these are family friends not the all boys club).
:jkk:
:salams
Without stipulating this or something like this or making it conditional, I first dropped the activities and/or buddy system that I have before I got married. I made my friends aware that now the priorities have changed, thus, we will have to curtail things that we used to do. I don't want my wife is waiting to be attended and/or taken care off, while I am with you guys. Majority understood where I am coming from but few with "man superior" mentality labeled me to be spineless who is being controlled by a woman etcetera.
Anyway, it was way then and I never regretted of making that decision. I am a firm believer that family comes first than friends. I set my goals and/or priorities (1) Faith (2) Family (3) (Family) Friends (but these are family friends not the all boys club).
:jkk:
I agree that once you get married, better cut down/off those 'parties'... and i can appreciate your priorities....
But what happens when your husbands get upset (or whatever male emotions) over your male colleagues or some biz acquaintance and then calls you a liar...? And threatens to kill those men that comes near you...?
How can a sister deal with that kind of accusation...? And risk some guys getting killed???
.: Anna :.
23-03-07, 12:13 PM
I think its extreme for the husband to say "you may have no friends" and "give up contact with everyone", its like cruelty in a way. Cos even he is saying including future friends.. which could be good Muslim sisters yet already he said no. I think its "weird." Its normal if he doesn't like you to go out all the time or if a certain person of ur friends he felt was bad so he banned one person like okay... but this "no friends ever" its not good. Personally I would not marry such a person. Its a very controlling demand to make, and I wont be surprised if such a person would try to control their wife in other ways like mentally abusing or even beating them up... Its not a demand that a normal person makes. So be wary...
And it has no basis in Islam either for him 2 say no friends. The mothers of the believers had friends, each other and the muslimat of their community. We are supposed to keep friendly ties with family and neighbours anyway but such a person would probably also object to this.
sunrise
23-03-07, 12:25 PM
what kind of a request is that?...does he want u 2 lonely and depressed all the time?
he has a right to tell you nt2hang with bad company but what's wrong with good sisters?
ummbilal
23-03-07, 01:14 PM
when i got married i found i lost most of my friends as they were not practising and were uncomftable with the fact i wear hijaab and pray now:rubeyes:
a wife should obay her husband if what he asks is halal.
Al-ghurabah
23-03-07, 01:20 PM
strange request indeed.. you can task someone to forget their friends.. unless the y are either
1. guy mates
2. jahil sisters
but if they are practising good sisters cant see reason for asking the wife 2 be to break friendship..
islamically not right either
Nazahah
23-03-07, 01:40 PM
future as well so u would have no friends?
unless they were not practising i would say no, anyone that unreasonable is not worth marrying
i dont have any friends to begin with so it wouldnt affect me
Syeda_19
23-03-07, 01:48 PM
no i wouldnt becz smetimesss u need ova pple other then ur husband n hu is he say smeting like tht fine ur gnu b my hubby bt then u cnt rule my life only allah can .... however if he had a REALLLY GOOOD reason im sure i wouldnt mind wich i dnt tink will ever happen ....
Redmist
23-03-07, 01:51 PM
i dont have any friends to begin with so it wouldnt affect me
Yeh we know :rolleyes: sad innit...
at least you got some friends on the net :p
salaam
well if the wife's freinds are good muslim sisters then theres no reason why he should ask her to do this. maybe she should explain to him that its not fair -- and not islamic either, as long as she is fulfilling her duties as a wife and her freinds arent in the way of her doing that, maybe they can reach a compromise
Sisters... if a muslim guy said he wants to marry you on one condition you give up all contacts with friends. Past, present and future. Would you do it?
No.
If he somehow thinks that he'd be "enough" and so you don't need anyone else...thats a worrying attitude to have from the outset. Nevermind what the rest of your married life would be like.
To be petty and childish, would he give up contact with HIS friends if you requested it? (yours being a request, whereas his being a condition - which is more worse)
Anyone who wants you to be socially isolated must have self-esteem issues...or be incredibly unrealistic.
*IslamicGirl*
23-03-07, 02:26 PM
:start:
:salams
When you mean 'friends' does that include my imaginary friends? As I've become quite attached to them.... :crying:
:wswrwb:
heaven2002
23-03-07, 02:27 PM
I agree that once you get married, better cut down/off those 'parties'... and i can appreciate your priorities....
But what happens when your husbands get upset (or whatever male emotions) over your male colleagues or some biz acquaintance and then calls you a liar...? And threatens to kill those men that comes near you...?
How can a sister deal with that kind of accusation...? And risk some guys getting killed???
most people dont need collegues of opposite sex as mates who u hang with or they call u
keep professional distance, or get a job which doesnt require u to work in close proximity
if he's threatening to kill people then thats seriously weird
sis_sarah
23-03-07, 02:50 PM
hell no!
thats over the top
if he isnt willing to accept my friends of who they r then forget it tough luck
maybe he can find someone else who is willing to do that
:)
That's the most absurd thing i have ever heard! :smack: not coz your friends are the be all and end all but it's a ridiculous request!...:idea: or is it one of those your frinds are the wrong kind in terms of attitude/behaviour etc coz if that is the issue then get rid of them! :up:
heaven2002
23-03-07, 02:53 PM
are they freinds as in sisters or men who are not related to her?
But what happens when your husbands get upset (or whatever male emotions) over your male colleagues or some biz acquaintance and then calls you a liar...? And threatens to kill those men that comes near you...?
How can a sister deal with that kind of accusation...? And risk some guys getting killed???
:rubeyes: that's :wacko: and :nervous: you :outta:
Sisters... if a muslim guy said he wants to marry you on one condition you give up all contacts with friends. Past, present and future. Would you do it?
i presume by freinds he would mean my muslim sisters, and as the sisters i know are of excellent character and practising muslims, then he has no need to do that, and i wouldnt even consider marrying him, not even for a split second as he sounds like a complete control freak, forget that.
umm_huraiyrah
23-03-07, 03:31 PM
Well Dale has never asked me to give up ALL my friends or even one. But if he thought that they may bring trouble and he asked me to stop being friends with them I think I would. But there would have to be a good reason behind it. But I would hope your hubby 2 B would want you to have friends. As long as they are not male friends I think it's ok to have friends unless like I said they are trouble makers.
Habiba
I really don't understand these threads "would you give up all friends or the Husband to be..."
What kind of friends abandon their friend just because their friend chose to marry someone? :scratch:
such people are friends by name only...
Medievalist
23-03-07, 05:58 PM
:salams
Without stipulating this or something like this or making it conditional, I first dropped the activities and/or buddy system that I have before I got married. I made my friends aware that now the priorities have changed, thus, we will have to curtail things that we used to do. I don't want my wife is waiting to be attended and/or taken care off, while I am with you guys. Majority understood where I am coming from but few with "man superior" mentality labeled me to be spineless who is being controlled by a woman etcetera.
Anyway, it was way then and I never regretted of making that decision. I am a firm believer that family comes first than friends. I set my goals and/or priorities (1) Faith (2) Family (3) (Family) Friends (but these are family friends not the all boys club).
:jkk:
mashaALLAH - I dont think I'll be in exactly the same boat but for definite family comes first. Blood is always thicker than water and whoever your family is your loyalty lies with them first and foremost.
mashaALLAH - I dont think I'll be in exactly the same boat but for definite family comes first. Blood is always thicker than water and whoever your family is your loyalty lies with them first and foremost.
:up: ...im gna be usig that saying more often...i like it!
Medievalist
23-03-07, 06:08 PM
:up: ...im gna be usig that saying more often...i like it!
Its actually a very MP trait - no matter how close a friend is he is always an outsider and you dont tell outsiders abt family business. I think the arabs have a similar social system aswell - the tribe takes precedence.
My grandfather once mentioned to us when we were younger that my father used to have loads of mates when younger - now where are they all? And its true - in my family atleast most of the people of my parents generation, their time is taken up with family social visits - hardly any social life outside the family/bradri/clan network.
I guess its one of those things innit.:rolleyes:
ummbilal
23-03-07, 06:32 PM
if your husband to be asks u on good islamic grounds to give up your friends then i would recommend it, if he is a jelous control freak i'd call off the engagement,
as a wife i trust my husbands judgement and have already at his request cut ties with non muslim friends who brought nothing but trouble to me,
Allhumdulilah i am blessed with better friends now.
Sisters... if a muslim guy said he wants to marry you on one condition you give up all contacts with friends. Past, present and future. Would you do it?
ONLY if he could give a good Islamic reason (ie the friends are of the opposite gender/drink alcohol etc), but if I were expected to give up contact with pious sisters as well then NO WAY! I'd show the control freak the door!
Na'eemah
23-03-07, 07:54 PM
Sisters... if a muslim guy said he wants to marry you on one condition you give up all contacts with friends. Past, present and future. Would you do it?
I don't have any friends.
urban_rose
23-03-07, 07:55 PM
I don't have any friends.
i wont get offended cause i fall into your student category :p
Sisters... if a muslim guy said he wants to marry you on one condition you give up all contacts with friends. Past, present and future. Would you do it?
hmm..what are friends? and what are mates?
i dont think friends exist personally but i think u mean the group u hang out with to chill ..
tbh..im a family orientated person..i go out with my family more than i do friends..(maybe cos i have a bigggg family and theres too many girls) but i have more fun with my sisters n sister in laws..cos we are like friends..moreoevr we understand each other etc..
so he can ask me to leave my friends (cept a few in mind:p)..thats no problem..but not my family.
okay its a problem..hmm..no its not..ill tell u when the time comes :p
I think its extreme for the husband to say "you may have no friends" and "give up contact with everyone", its like cruelty in a way. Cos even he is saying including future friends.. which could be good Muslim sisters yet already he said no. I think its "weird." Its normal if he doesn't like you to go out all the time or if a certain person of ur friends he felt was bad so he banned one person like okay... but this "no friends ever" its not good. Personally I would not marry such a person. Its a very controlling demand to make, and I wont be surprised if such a person would try to control their wife in other ways like mentally abusing or even beating them up... Its not a demand that a normal person makes. So be wary...
And it has no basis in Islam either for him 2 say no friends. The mothers of the believers had friends, each other and the muslimat of their community. We are supposed to keep friendly ties with family and neighbours anyway but such a person would probably also object to this.
ditto
weird indeed, 2 such akii's i have no problem saying hit the road.
something seriously weird abt all of this. any rite minded sister would be stupid 2 not atleast raise an eyebrow.
Al Aqsa
23-03-07, 08:10 PM
Assalaamu alaykum,
I think that ths is definitely something to worry about, which could also probably reveal other things about him (lol the Psychologist in me!!!). After you get married you NEED to have friends to just relieve yourself from every day 'stuff', obviously that doesn't mean you neglect your duties. I think it is totally unfair of him to make such a request! Unless your friends are male?? (which I am sure they are not inshaAllah).
Be careful sis....sometimes 'people' like to control others and want them to be completely dependent on them only, which is very unhealthy and can lead to many many problems!
Wasalaam,
<Originally Posted by PiElle http://www.ummah.com/forum/images/buttons/viewpost.gif (http://ummah.com/forum/showthread.php?p=1740803#post1740803)
I agree that once you get married, better cut down/off those 'parties'... and i can appreciate your priorities....
But what happens when your husbands get upset (or whatever male emotions) over your male colleagues or some biz acquaintance and then calls you a liar...? And threatens to kill those men that comes near you...?>
What a complete and utter control freak. Show him the door and refuse to see him ever again! Male 'friends' I'd understand a husband having a problem with but colleagues with whom there is just a simple, formal work relationship? I've noticed that bros who go to this extreme are normally the most informal and 'friendly' towards their female colleagues and that's why they can't cope with their wife even talking to a man. I remember one such control freak who lost his temper cos' his wife answered the phone and it was one of his male friends calling (cos' he knows his friends are dirty and pervy like himself). Alhamdullilah they got divorced in the end and her and her kids lives are much better for it.
ur_yusra
23-03-07, 08:41 PM
Sisters... if a muslim guy said he wants to marry you on one condition you give up all contacts with friends. Past, present and future. Would you do it?
Most certainly not. That is ridiculous.
Barracuda
23-03-07, 08:53 PM
I agree that once you get married, better cut down/off those 'parties'... and i can appreciate your priorities....
But what happens when your husbands get upset (or whatever male emotions) over your male colleagues or some biz acquaintance and then calls you a liar...? And threatens to kill those men that comes near you...?
How can a sister deal with that kind of accusation...? And risk some guys getting killed???
:salams
Wow, this is something totally different and beyond my expectation and offering any comments would not be an idea for success. That would rather be a formula for failure.
Each and every case is different and has its merits and demerits. Therefore, playing safe is inevitable and that can only be achieved by both spouses holding fast to the rope of Allah.
Qur'an 3:103
And hold fast, all of you together, to the rope of Allah (i.e. this Quran), and be not divided among yourselves, and remember Allahs Favour on you, for you were enemies one to another but He joined your hearts together, so that, by His Grace, you became brethren (in Islamic Faith), and you were on the brink of a pit of Fire, and He saved you from it. Thus Allah makes His Ayat (proofs, evidences, verses, lessons, signs, revelations, etc.,) clear to you, that you may be guided.
:jkk:
sadia n
24-03-07, 04:17 PM
i will never marry him ...a man who is trying to cut my relations with my family before,what he will do afterwars....:rubeyes:
muslimah85
24-03-07, 04:30 PM
he most be a recluse to request something so silly. I cant imagine a sane man to make such a request!
Sisters... if a muslim guy said he wants to marry you on one condition you give up all contacts with friends. Past, present and future. Would you do it?
No, no, no!
heaven2002
24-03-07, 04:36 PM
if you had been chatting to guys then i think a husband is within his rights to request this
if you had been chatting to guys then i think a husband is within his rights to request this
Close male friends? Yes he has a right, though why would a Muslim girl be speaking to guys or forming close friendships with guys in the first place? It is not something Islamic to begin with.
heaven2002
24-03-07, 04:43 PM
the original poster mentioned guys she works with being freinds
there are muslim girls/guys who do this
the original poster mentioned guys she works with being freinds
there are muslim girls/guys who do this
I'd say making friends with random guys at University or College wouldn't be acceptable. Exchanging mobile numbers, emailing and texting each other or going for a coffee together is a massive NO NO! Friends just for the sake of being friends isn't appropriate. However within the classroom when you are discussing work or having to work together in groups, then it's okay.
Similarly guy friends in the work place who you HAVE to interact with, is okay. It's not possible to cut them off entirely from your life because one way or another you have to speak.
I just wanted to say, I'd refuse to accept such a stupid request because the original post mentions in general giving up friendships PAST, PRESENT and FUTURE. It makes no distinction between whether those friendships are with Kufaar or members of the opposite gender or good practising Muslims of the same gender. As many have said previously, if the request did make such a distinction, that would be fair, but if not, then the guy should be shown the door without a doubt.
heaven2002
24-03-07, 06:36 PM
Similarly guy friends in the work place who you HAVE to interact with, is okay. It's not possible to cut them off entirely from your life because one way or another you have to speak.
are these friends though? or just people you happen to talk to civily when ur at work? freinds are those who you share things with , and exchange numbers with,
It's a modern world now and if the wife has to work, there will be times when she has to deal with some male colleagues and business acquaintances. It also doesn't mean she hangs out with them...
You think her husband can request her to give up all contacts, hence no business... no income?
It's pretty tough to live on a single income nowadays right?
So how can a sister counter this request?
i think as long as contact with these business / work people is appropriate and at a distance then thats different from saying they are friends
.: Anna :.
24-03-07, 07:07 PM
if you had been chatting to guys then i think a husband is within his rights to request this
talking 2 guys and having friends is summat completely different....
normally friends means other muslim sisters.
so if the girl made mistake in the past n had guys as her friends, all he needs 2 say is no male friends, get some good sisters as ur friends... not like "nooo friends ever wifey, u have 2 be a loner forever" which comes accross a bit weird :rubeyes:. Its over the top... he could even find her some good sisters who he knows of, like his mates wives and suggest why dnt u spend time wit these people, its better than saying she may never have ne friends which will make her lonely and sad
No I would'nt give up my friends for my husband-to-be. I would tell him to find someone willing to do that for him.
perfectpearl
24-03-07, 07:44 PM
i would tell him to GET A LIFE. If he does that then that clearly means that he doesnt care about my love or emotions for other ppl.
selamen
24-03-07, 07:55 PM
Hello, everyone. I am from Turkey. As-selamu Aleykum....
Hello, everyone. I am from Turkey. As-selamu Aleykum....
wa alaikum salam wa rahmatullah wa barakatuh welcome to the forum u can click "new thread" here http://www.ummah.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=67 and introduce yourself insha Allah :up:
selamen
24-03-07, 08:08 PM
ok I did it.
perfectpearl
25-03-07, 03:46 AM
ok I did it.
U have MADE a BAD HUSBAND!!!! :D ur wife must have reallllllllllllllllllllllllllly been hypnotized. WELL i guess cuz ur from on those country where the HUSBAND is the controller of everything so i dont blame ur wife.
Maureen
25-03-07, 04:00 AM
Sisters... if a muslim guy said he wants to marry you on one condition you give up all contacts with friends. Past, present and future. Would you do it?
I guess this question call apply to Non-Muslims too, because there are some males around like that in every religion.
If a guy put that condition to me I would ask what the purpose of giving up my friends is firstly, and if this answer was unsatisfactory, I would ask him if he could now start looking for another wife.
Supernova Nebula
25-03-07, 04:11 AM
well... you can have his friends, haha... but not your own. but then his friends wld be mostly guys... so you will still have no friends... and if you agree... what happens a friend called you out of the blue (after tracking you down for years) and you speak to the friend and then he calls you a liar... DOH!!!!
oopss sorry, that's not what i mean, i mean, ask him would he give up all his friends? you, your female friends and he, his male friends of course, duh!
Assalumualaikum all!
Thank you for all your varied input.
This is a serious issue for me at the moment as we are going into consideration for nikka soon and sadly this issue has been with us for a while now and I/we have not managed to be able to handle/deal with it.
It happened again this time because he found out I was working on a project with a male friend... which he had an opinion about... well.... he's ok to have his opinion, but becasue of his opinion, he wanted me to stop work with him on the project and then it become i can't contact specific type of friends and so on... with no specific reason given..
Now, I can visualise on one hand I can obey and wait for all the bounties going for me cos I was being obedient...
But on the other hand... it would mean to give up my dream to be a successful business woman... As for the menitoned case, I was kind of honoured that my friend (tho he's male) inivted me to work on the project and to just pull out would mean to be really unprofessional... and to think I was looking forward to completing a nice job... now i have to give it up...
I guess it's no big deal to give this up but if this becomes a pattern in my personal life, it will become a pattern in my business life... and I really dun wish for that to happen to my business
I personally believe one does not burn bridges.
I would love to have a supportive husband in my personal as well as working/business life as well...
I have consulted with my Ustaz (I truly believe every convert should have one close regular mentor about Islamic issues) about this issue, he kind of explain that guys are normally jealous about their woman with other men... and so on...
I have also made aware that there's a list of rights for muslim women and will be slapping a copy of it in front of him and see how he is going to react to it... plus I will draw up my conditions for him....
Why is my first potential 'nikka' getting so complicated...?
plus I will draw up my conditions for him....
sister know that once u are married although he agreed to conditions theres no gaurentee that he will keep his word, and no one can enforce him to do that, one thing i learnt is that once you are married some men do as they please, and dont care about your rights, or conditions of nikkah if its this complex now and your not even married yet, then imagine how it will be when ur married Allahu alam theres a lot to consider and if u have to make a list showing a muslim man what the rights of his wife are then he doesnt appear to be very educated if u have to spell the basics out.
Allahu alam but especially as a convert take care, i have seen too many cases where men think converts can be easily manipulated and moulded towards what i call "hislam" (his version of Islam) which has little to do with the deen and everything to do with a man trying to use the deen to be a complete control freak and bring opression upon his wife.
look for warning signs if u see any, then seriously consider before u sign your life over to this man. Have your walli thouroughly investigate this man and ask about his personality amongst his freinds and people who know him well and who are trustworthy muslims.
plus I will draw up my conditions for him....
sister know that once u are married although he agreed to conditions theres no gaurentee that he will keep his word, and no one can enforce him to do that, one thing i learnt is that once you are married some men do as they please, and dont care about your rights, or conditions of nikkah if its this complex now and your not even married yet, then imagine how it will be when ur married Allahu alam theres a lot to consider and if u have to make a list showing a muslim man what the rights of his wife are then he doesnt appear to be very educated if u have to spell the basics out.
Allahu alam but especially as a convert take care, i have seen too many cases where men think converts can be easily manipulated and moulded towards what i call "hislam" (his version of Islam) which has little to do with the deen and everything to do with a man trying to use the deen to be a complete control freak and bring opression upon his wife.
look for warning signs if u see any, then seriously consider before u sign your life over to this man. Have your walli thouroughly investigate this man and ask about his personality amongst his freinds and people who know him well and who are trustworthy muslims.
haha... i think "hislam" happens to converts and born muslims...
no, no investigation yet... do i need do that?
but of course, we need go thru my Ustaz and a compulsory marriage guidance course...
mebbe i shd ask his mom if he agrees to his request cos he has to obey his mom right?
haha... i think "hislam" happens to converts and born muslims...
no, no investigation yet... do i need do that?
but of course, we need go thru my Ustaz and a compulsory marriage guidance course...
mebbe i shd ask his mom if he agrees to his request cos he has to obey his mom right?
Investigation of this mans character, that is the first step, and it is your wallis duty is to investigate the character of the man you are marrying,in fact before u even get to the dicussion stage the walli should be certain this man is of good character. The walli is taking the place of your father as u dont have a muslim father, and just as a father would never marry his beloved daughter to just anyone without checking them out first to see if u are suitable and compatible for each other, to be sure he is not miserly or stingy, to be sure he is not harsh with women and that he is well educated on what it means to be the maintainer and protector of a wife, and most of all to be sure that he Fears Allah ta ala of the walli does not do that then he is not taking his role as your gaurdian seriously.
I`m not sure what u mean by "complusory marriage guidance course" ? and no a man does not need anyones permission to marry, although its nice that his parents will be happy about that, and u should meet with him ( and his family later on) with your walli ( and a mahram if u are a convert and not related to your walli) there shouldnt be any contact with this man without ur mahram present.
( also a little advice for those holding british european or american passports tell him u dont want to marry in the law of the land, but in Islam only, and make sure his attitude to the marriage doesnt change and he doesnt start trying to give u reasons as to why u should marry in the law and islamic marriage is not enough..)
Investigation of this mans character, that is the first step, and it is your wallis duty is to investigate the character of the man you are marrying,in fact before u even get to the dicussion stage the walli should be certain this man is of good character. The walli is taking the place of your father as u dont have a muslim father, and just as a father would never marry his beloved daughter to just anyone without checking them out first to see if u are suitable and compatible for each other, to be sure he is not miserly or stingy, to be sure he is not harsh with women and that he is well educated on what it means to be the maintainer and protector of a wife, and most of all to be sure that he Fears Allah ta ala of the walli does not do that then he is not taking his role as your gaurdian seriously.
I`m not sure what u mean by "complusory marriage guidance course" ? and no a man does not need anyones permission to marry, although its nice that his parents will be happy about that, and u should meet with him ( and his family later on) with your walli ( and a mahram if u are a convert and not related to your walli) there shouldnt be any contact with this man without ur mahram present.
( also a little advice for those holding british european or american passports tell him u dont want to marry in the law of the land, but in Islam only, and make sure his attitude to the marriage doesnt change and he doesnt start trying to give u reasons as to why u should marry in the law and islamic marriage is not enough..)
I am thinking of asking my Utaz to be my walli, is that ok?
I not in UK or US and I am not white, I'm chinese...
In my country, all coverts got to be official with an official ID, and all muslims couple going for marriage must attend a marriage course lining out basic husband/wife rights and duties... tho it does not compulsory mean both will follow like you say...
As this is the first muslim man I know to consider nikkah I am really confused by the religion with the person.... oh... please pray for me....
I am thinking of asking my Utaz to be my walli, is that ok?
I not in UK or US and I am not white, I'm chinese...
In my country, all coverts got to be official with an official ID, and all muslims couple going for marriage must attend a marriage course lining out basic husband/wife rights and duties... tho it does not compulsory mean both will follow like you say...
As this is the first muslim man I know to consider nikkah I am really confused by the religion with the person.... oh... please pray for me....
ukhti doesnt matter what colour u are, masha Allah my step sister and niece are chinese too :) but im not understanding how u got into marriage talks with a man but you dont have any walli ? its not permissible to speak about marriage with a man alone without it being done through the walli sister, and a good muslim man will always go to your walli first and not come and ask a woman directly. Allahu alam i dont know about compulsory marriage course but it seems like a good thing if its educational.
You must however get a trustworthy muslim man to be your walli, and he needs to be taking care of all this for you, as muslim women we dont speak alone with men and arrange our own marriages :) Alhamdulillah we are protected sister, we dont just enter into marriage with complete strangers who we only know about them what they have told us themselves, which after all could all be lies.
go and speak to your utaz about all this and ask him to be your walli if u trust him or if not maybe u have a good muslim sister u know, and u can ask if her husband will be your walli :) may Allah ta ala give u every sucess in finding a suitable match for your marriage amin
ukhti doesnt matter what colour u are, masha Allah my step sister and niece are chinese too :) but im not understanding how u got into marriage talks with a man but you dont have any walli ? its not permissible to speak about marriage with a man alone without it being done through the walli sister, and a good muslim man will always go to your walli first and not come and ask a woman directly. Allahu alam i dont know about compulsory marriage course but it seems like a good thing if its educational.
You must however get a trustworthy muslim man to be your walli, and he needs to be taking care of all this for you, as muslim women we dont speak alone with men and arrange our own marriages :) Alhamdulillah we are protected sister, we dont just enter into marriage with complete strangers who we only know about them what they have told us themselves, which after all could all be lies.
go and speak to your utaz about all this and ask him to be your walli if u trust him or if not maybe u have a good muslim sister u know, and u can ask if her husband will be your walli :) may Allah ta ala give u every sucess in finding a suitable match for your marriage amin
Thanks much....
I just heard someone said "friends' wealth...."
True Heart
27-03-07, 07:44 PM
Salam alykom Sister,
You are just described the same situation I had with my husband now. When were engaged I was still going to school and he had a big problem with me hanging out with my old friends. Now my old friends were guys and girls, I didn’t think it was a big deal since I only worked with them and I didn’t really take it like he did. There was one guy that I worked with that was very helpful and we did many projects together. When my husband saw him he didn’t want to work on any projects or even be in the same room as him. Of course this cause fights like crazy; because I wanted to get my work done I didn’t have any hidden agenda. To me I acted professional and I didn’t know what was wrong with how I acted. Now what helped me through this is; one my love for my husband was and is very stronger then anything on earth and I wasn’t planning on losing him to something this stupid. Two, I started to notice small things that the guy would do, till he told me that he liked me. Of course once I heard that I told my husband, and he didn’t say I told you so or anything like that. He then explained to me how guys think (wow we women don’t know anything about that). Now I will give you advice that I hope will help you along the way; if you plan on having a job and being a business women (As I am) keep it professional all the time more with men the women. With women you keep your personal information to yourself (people will hold things against you if they know your personal life). When men tell us to keep away from this guy, we should listen because they know how guys think more then we do. This goes both ways, when we ask the men not to talk with certain women they should understand that we know women and how their minds work so they should listen. We all have this 6th sense that helps us make and understand other people; you have to give your fiancé or husband a break he may be seeing something you’re not seeing. He may see that these friends may cause problem for you in the long run, you should also ask him in a good way why does he not want you to talk to them. You should respect his opinions as well, don’t fight with him on that just listen and be reasonable. He may be the jealous type and there is nothing wrong with that. Now if he wants you not to work or anything like not talk to your family that will be an issue you will need to take him to mosque and ask the imam to help you out. I hope everything works out with you.
Salam alykom Sister,
You are just described the same situation I had with my husband now. When were engaged I was still going to school and he had a big problem with me hanging out with my old friends. Now my old friends were guys and girls, I didn’t think it was a big deal since I only worked with them and I didn’t really take it like he did. There was one guy that I worked with that was very helpful and we did many projects together. When my husband saw him he didn’t want to work on any projects or even be in the same room as him. Of course this cause fights like crazy; because I wanted to get my work done I didn’t have any hidden agenda. To me I acted professional and I didn’t know what was wrong with how I acted. Now what helped me through this is; one my love for my husband was and is very stronger then anything on earth and I wasn’t planning on losing him to something this stupid. Two, I started to notice small things that the guy would do, till he told me that he liked me. Of course once I heard that I told my husband, and he didn’t say I told you so or anything like that. He then explained to me how guys think (wow we women don’t know anything about that). Now I will give you advice that I hope will help you along the way; if you plan on having a job and being a business women (As I am) keep it professional all the time more with men the women. With women you keep your personal information to yourself (people will hold things against you if they know your personal life). When men tell us to keep away from this guy, we should listen because they know how guys think more then we do. This goes both ways, when we ask the men not to talk with certain women they should understand that we know women and how their minds work so they should listen. We all have this 6th sense that helps us make and understand other people; you have to give your fiancé or husband a break he may be seeing something you’re not seeing. He may see that these friends may cause problem for you in the long run, you should also ask him in a good way why does he not want you to talk to them. You should respect his opinions as well, don’t fight with him on that just listen and be reasonable. He may be the jealous type and there is nothing wrong with that. Now if he wants you not to work or anything like not talk to your family that will be an issue you will need to take him to mosque and ask the imam to help you out. I hope everything works out with you.
Thank you so so much for your advice. Now I know how to handle my situation. :D
You brought up an interesting topic too... "(As I am) keep it professional all the time more with men the women. With women you keep your personal information to yourself (people will hold things against you if they know your personal life)."
Especially the "personal information" bit... care to elaborate more...? :rubeyes:
... he wants me to agree with his ultimatum before he will consider marrying me.... Dun ask me how I got myself into this situation... I am only but a woman... Am very sad cos he's starting to curse my family, friends and hailing abusive words at me...
Please pray for me...:(
$HugoBoss$
05-04-07, 05:09 AM
... he wants me to agree with his ultimatum before he will consider marrying me.... Dun ask me how I got myself into this situation... I am only but a woman... Am very sad cos he's starting to curse my family, friends and hailing abusive words at me...
Please pray for me...:(
and you still want to marry him????? :rubeyes:
and you still want to marry him????? :rubeyes:
No one is perfect but he is really scaring me a lot now... :( esp. about men and marriage... seriously starting to think mebbe i should remain unmarried for the rest of my life...
Why do men need to resort to abuse and violence to control situation....or their women...???? :(
If he's cursing your family already...God knows what he'll be like later on :eek3:
sis pielle, what you need to do is confron him, tell him that you have been taken his 'advise' on board, but him calling your family and friends doesnt ease the situation, it only mskes things worse.
You're not yet even married and thus your parents come first, he is to hve full respect for your parents before he gets to yoou. Now if he is showing a lack in this manner, that goes to prove the kind of man he is.
Alhamdulillah, i hope it is that he is just worried etc. but i dont blame you for having doubts now. Pray sis, just kee praying that things work out for the best.
You will be in my prayers.
-Amaara-
So according to post 69, you're considering marrying someone who:
- Wants you to give up ALL friends from the past, present AND future (who does that leave you with then?):torture:
- Curses and disrespects your family (in which case he wont want you in touch with them either):torture: :torture: :torture:
- Intimidates you and makes you feel scared of men:torture:
Are you nuts? What on earth could make you feel so small and worthless that you'd consider the likes of him? Well those sound like great credentials, what are you waiting for?:rolleyes:
... he wants me to agree with his ultimatum before he will consider marrying me.... Dun ask me how I got myself into this situation... I am only but a woman... Am very sad cos he's starting to curse my family, friends and hailing abusive words at me...
Please pray for me...:(
sister it doesnt matter now how u got yourself into it, now you need to just get out of it. Yes no one is perfect but some people are also cruel and obsessive, and that is not acceptable and the prophet Muhammad salAllahu alleyhi wa salam did not allow the muslim women to marry cruel and miserly ( tight with his money and not generous) men. take the prophet SalAllahu alleyhi wa salam advice on this matter please insha Allah.
get yourself a trustworthy muslim walli ( a guardian ) to take care of this matter now. dont even consider a man he does not even have the right to speak to you alone without being married to you, as a muslim he well knows that is forbidden,which doesnt say much for his character and his abusive behaviour and language is not a good sign as these are not the manners of a muslim at all.
If this is how he is now and he thinks he can treat you that way, and you are nothing to him - and seriously consider what this man will be like after you marry him, he could really make your life so miserable. sister know that once u are married it is not easy to become free from that, u cannot just walk out the door and leave, u need him to free u from the marriage and if he refuses then u will have perhaps a few years before u can be freed from it if he has to give u khula and free u he can refuse to do that...i`ve seen it happen...
please sister before u speak to this man again, please seek real and practical help in your community May Allah ta ala send u some assistance amin. There are billions of muslim men in this world sister, find a good one, not just anyone that happens to come along... Trust in Allah sister and seek help from your walli ( gaurdian) in finding a good husband insha Allah
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