View Full Version : The In-Laws And The Underdog
HamnahBintJahsh
20-03-07, 10:51 AM
:salams
Consider the two scenarios..
Mum chooses a wife for her son.. she knows her son is not financially stable and so her daughter in law will be living with her.. she is happy with this as she likes the girl and gets on with her.. girl marries her son and moves in with in laws.
Second scenario..
Son chooses a wife for himself.. tells his parents who are not too happy since she is from a different culture.. the boys mother does not speak the same language as this girl and she is concerned about this. Finally after frustrated efforts the parents accept that his son will marry this girl. The son is not financially stable so wife will be living with in laws.
Is it normal or not for the girl in the second scenario to be somewhat weary as she is already the underdog?
:wswrwb:
Yep. If you go into a home knowing that you are disliked or are the cause of problems, then you'd naturally be wary and be more aware of yourself in relation to what you say, how you interact with them and how you treat them.
Although to a certain extent you'd also a bit apprehensive in the 1st scenario, but the 2nd scenario has a lot working against it from the outset.
ibn suleman
20-03-07, 10:56 AM
whats wary mean?
ur_yusra
20-03-07, 11:08 AM
whats wary mean?
It means like erm skeptical.. anxious.. on your toes.
it really depends on what the in-laws are like really...
the in-laws may make a go of it and whole-heartedly accept it, despite not being entirely happy with the union, or they may just look for faults in the girl (and/or the guy) to prove they were right
.: Anna :.
20-03-07, 11:35 AM
Hmm the 2nd situation is more tricky but it can work, you dont have to panic... go into it thinking well they did agree to you in the end so they can not be totally against you. then you will have to make a bit more effort than the first situation, so you have to show that u r "part of the family" and try to make them value ur prescence and become happy with u. I think if they are decent ppl and they see that the son is happy with u as his wife this should go in ur favour. If u dnt speak the language make some efforts 2 pick it up a bit, try and chat with parents in law and you may get on with them. if u have ne sis in laws in the family already, whether ur bros sister or bros bros wife then make friends with them... it can be okay :)
Maybe you will have some difficulty at first but just perserve with it, and later they would actually be sorry that they caused you any of that, and u would be rewarded for ur sabr from Allah subhanahu wa ta3ala also ur husband will respect u for it, that u accepted the difficulties and tried 2 improve the situation without causing problems between him and his parents...
Anyway in these situations just cos parents in law did not select the girl and she is from dif background etc they can still become a part of the family and everyone can come to love them. Both me and my sis in law are not from hubbys familys background but now i think they are all happy with us, and they love us as part of the family :D Dont be toooooooo wary, dont fool urself that u will never have a problem, just try 2 keep a realistic balance :)
:salams
Consider the two scenarios..
Mum chooses a wife for her son.. she knows her son is not financially stable and so her daughter in law will be living with her.. she is happy with this as she likes the girl and gets on with her.. girl marries her son and moves in with in laws.
Second scenario..
Son chooses a wife for himself.. tells his parents who are not too happy since she is from a different culture.. the boys mother does not speak the same language as this girl and she is concerned about this. Finally after frustrated efforts the parents accept that his son will marry this girl. The son is not financially stable so wife will be living with in laws.
Is it normal or not for the girl in the second scenario to be somewhat weary as she is already the underdog?
I hope we don't use terms like UnderDog (s)...
this obsession arose from people who called each other old 'Dogs' ...:smack:
It's natural to be a bit worried about the Language difference, but the Question remains does she wants to marry this boy?
If yes, then the Language difference should not be a Preventative barrier...
also I wouldn't recommend any financially Unstable Brother to get Married, Get stable as soon as you can then get married...:)
:jkk:
ibn suleman
20-03-07, 11:42 AM
It means like erm skeptical.. anxious.. on your toes.
oh :up:
tricky situation..going against parents wishes..yet needing to live under the same roof.
:up: anna's post
if parents have accepted the girl, then i dont see a problem, and as for the language thing, yeh its difficult but not impossible to have a relationship with the in-laws still.
My friend's brother is married to a turkish girl and they were against it from the outset and ended up agreeing to it in the end but they have a beautiful relationship from what i can see .
If we have found a good spouse (wihc is difficult to find these days) something like a language barrier is no reason to be skeptical, jus means u have to try abit harder than normal.
Al-Irhaab
20-03-07, 12:06 PM
:salams
Consider the two scenarios..
Mum chooses a wife for her son.. she knows her son is not financially stable and so her daughter in law will be living with her.. she is happy with this as she likes the girl and gets on with her.. girl marries her son and moves in with in laws.
Second scenario..
Son chooses a wife for himself.. tells his parents who are not too happy since she is from a different culture.. the boys mother does not speak the same language as this girl and she is concerned about this. Finally after frustrated efforts the parents accept that his son will marry this girl. The son is not financially stable so wife will be living with in laws.
Is it normal or not for the girl in the second scenario to be somewhat weary as she is already the underdog?
the girl describes herself as a dog :rubeyes:
why would she want to marry someone whose family she doesnt gert on with? she should just get married to someone else will make life easier? how can someone not be financially stable... doesnt take long to find a job :rolleyes:
.: Anna :.
20-03-07, 12:11 PM
can people not make a big deal of the "dog" aspect cos it will get off topic. its a common idiom in the english language, okay...
can people not make a big deal of the "dog" aspect cos it will get off topic. its a common idiom in the english language, okay...
I knew that sis, some brothers or sisters may have misunderstood the term ...
Al-Irhaab
20-03-07, 12:28 PM
can people not make a big deal of the "dog" aspect cos it will get off topic. its a common idiom in the english language, okay...
agreed but its still not something thats appropriate to describe ones self as or another sister :smack:
Al-Irhaab
20-03-07, 12:32 PM
the other thing i dont understand is the guy... whys hes so stupid for :s
yard the girl go and find someone else to marry... i mean if hes not financially stable why does he want to risk losing his parents love AND their money over a girl? i mean not like theres not other practicing sisters to marry??? find someone else that his parents will like and who wont come into the house with the attitude that 'war with inlaws, must be 'wary' terminate terminate...i must break you, you will DIE' :rolleyes: instead just find someone neutral, whose empathetic, good islamic culture, patient, caring, loving, good daughter, good wife, good family member.. guy will be buzzing, parents will love him, probs give him lots of money on wedding day... :D might find a prettier wife :outta:
the other thing i dont understand is the guy... whys hes so stupid for :s
yard the girl go and find someone else to marry... i mean if hes not financially stable why does he want to risk losing his parents love AND their money over a girl? i mean not like theres not other practicing sisters to marry??? find someone else that his parents will like and who wont come into the house with the attitude that 'war with inlaws, must be 'wary' terminate terminate...i must break you, you will DIE' :rolleyes: instead just find someone neutral, whose empathetic, good islamic culture, patient, caring, loving, good daughter, good wife, good family member.. guy will be buzzing, parents will love him, probs give him lots of money on wedding day... :D might find a prettier wife :outta:
:D
Abu Mus'ab
20-03-07, 01:11 PM
the boys mother does not speak the same language as this girl and she is concerned about this.
Everyone speaks english, so why can't they speak that? *Roll Eyes*
Everyone speaks english, so why can't they speak that? *Roll Eyes*
you'd be suprised brother. My mum's got women in her english classes who have been here for 25 years and can barely string two words together in english. :rubeyes:
to the questioner: yea 2nd opition is bit worse. It means you have to much work hard to get the m-i-l to like you, seeing as you'll be living together. Will be hard especially if she wasnt support of your marriage to begin with and some can make life very unfortamble whilst living under her roof.......
ur_yusra
20-03-07, 01:28 PM
Everyone speaks english, so why can't they speak that? *Roll Eyes*
lol.. nope not everyone speaks english.
WS, Your two scenarios are not straight forward. For example
Mum chooses a wife for her son.. she knows her son is not financially stable and so her daughter in law will be living with her.. she is happy with this as she likes the girl and gets on with her.. girl marries her son and moves in with in laws.
This scenario doesn't even take into account the sons feelings. Is he being emotionally blackmailed to accept the relationship because one parent has blood pressure/heart condition? Did he want to marry someone else but had to put his own feelings aside reluctantly hence not setting the best foundation for the marriage? Maybe in this scenario the daughter in law gets on well with her husbands family but it makes no mention of how she'd get on with her husband.
Son chooses a wife for himself.. tells his parents who are not too happy since she is from a different culture.. the boys mother does not speak the same language as this girl and she is concerned about this. Finally after frustrated efforts the parents accept that his son will marry this girl. The son is not financially stable so wife will be living with in laws.
I think this is a very unhealthy way to start a marriage, without support or with the reluctant support of the family. Having said that, if the parents are very jahil, in some cases the brother would have no choice but to marry someone suitable even against their wishes but in such a situation, he should really do his utmost to move out and live separately so as to not bring the brunt of his differences with his parents onto his wife. If however, the parents are not jahil and disapproved of the relationship for other reasons and both they and the girl behave respectfully towards each other, they can still inshallah salvage a good relationship out of it- regardless of the language issues. To go into such a relationship with the mindset of thinking you're an 'underdog' does not bode well though.
Abu Mus'ab
20-03-07, 01:52 PM
lol.. nope not everyone speaks english.
I thought people who live in the uk all speak english, my bad *Roll Eyes*
ur_yusra
20-03-07, 01:57 PM
To go into such a relationship with the mindset of thinking you're an 'underdog' does not bode well though.
hmmm yeh.. :scratch:
I thought people who live in the uk all speak english, my bad *Roll Eyes*
No only those brought up here all speak fluent english..
Al-Irhaab
20-03-07, 04:19 PM
yani duniya :rolleyes:
thats wot i mean man... :smack:
true love in the duniya... not like the true true love which is the love you have for allah (swT) :D
Al-Irhaab
20-03-07, 05:43 PM
so wots the conclusion...
my vote is person shld marry someone else in scenario number 2?
wot the others saying?
Medievalist
20-03-07, 05:47 PM
so wots the conclusion...
my vote is person shld marry someone else in scenario number 2?
wot the others saying?
1. If he loves her a pure love then he should marry her
2. But the probability is that it is a haraam love based on haraam so he should strangle his lust and obey his parents happiness.
.: Anna :.
20-03-07, 05:53 PM
so wots the conclusion...
my vote is person shld marry someone else in scenario number 2?
wot the others saying?
no I dont think thats necessary for conclusion. Number 2 does not mean its someone who his parents disagreed to, it doesnt mean they said "DO NOT MARRY HER :mad:" or whatever but they had some hesitations at first, they were not sure, she is not from their background etc, however after some time they agreed to it. Obviously she must be a good sister or why will he bother 2 approach his parents with his intention 2 marry that sister, when he knows they may have preferred him to marry from his own background or his cousin or whatever. If this girl and his cousin for example were equal in character, then he would have selected cousin to make his parents happy at no disadvantage to himself. the fact he selected this other girl shows she must have some more qualities which he desires in a wife. The parents agreed to it after a bit of talking etc, so there is no harm in marrying. Its normal they may take a bit of convincing if they are not used to marrying from outside the background etc. Sometimes just for silly reasons like "people might talk" they are uneasy at first and then they warm to it.
If we feel parents are persuadable in it, of course without disrespecting them in any way or harming them, its good to persuade them in it because it changes their attitude towards muslims from outside their specific community and can be a small way towards increasing unity in the ummah as a whole. For example may a certain persons parents were against marrying from dif country, then the son persuades them and they become happy with it. in the end they love this daughter in law alot, and also this son did a service 2 his younger siblings because wen his younger brother comes with intention 2 marry a girl from a dif background he has less problem in this. Sometimes it is necessary because it breaks down cultural barriers within the ummah. There is nothing against marrying from outside ur country but if noone is doing it then the cultural issues with it remain...
After some time the parents may even be thanking that child. Eg I know that situation above now the father says dont remind me what I did before like refusing on those reasons of country, these are my jahil days dont remind me... and then this father now wen other parents are refusing on the same reason he tried 2 talk 2 them and tell them there is nothing wrong with it and we dont have racism in Islam.
I'm referring 2 background here cos its mainly the common problem why parents dont agree, and as the poster said she doesnt speak the same mother language etc etc, its a likely cause of the situation.
and to clarify when challenging parents perceptions about this matter, i mean always and only to do it in a respectful way! i realise some youngsters among us do it in a rude way, of course that will not work and is sinful 2 talk in rude and arrogant ways 2 parents.
Al-Irhaab
20-03-07, 06:15 PM
no I dont think thats necessary for conclusion. Number 2 does not mean its someone who his parents disagreed to, it doesnt mean they said "DO NOT MARRY HER :mad:" or whatever but they had some hesitations at first, they were not sure, she is not from their background etc, however after some time they agreed to it. Obviously she must be a good sister or why will he bother 2 approach his parents with his intention 2 marry that sister, when he knows they may have preferred him to marry from his own background or his cousin or whatever. If this girl and his cousin for example were equal in character, then he would have selected cousin to make his parents happy at no disadvantage to himself. the fact he selected this other girl shows she must have some more qualities which he desires in a wife. The parents agreed to it after a bit of talking etc, so there is no harm in marrying. Its normal they may take a bit of convincing if they are not used to marrying from outside the background etc. Sometimes just for silly reasons like "people might talk" they are uneasy at first and then they warm to it.
If we feel parents are persuadable in it, of course without disrespecting them in any way or harming them, its good to persuade them in it because it changes their attitude towards muslims from outside their specific community and can be a small way towards increasing unity in the ummah as a whole. For example may a certain persons parents were against marrying from dif country, then the son persuades them and they become happy with it. in the end they love this daughter in law alot, and also this son did a service 2 his younger siblings because wen his younger brother comes with intention 2 marry a girl from a dif background he has less problem in this. Sometimes it is necessary because it breaks down cultural barriers within the ummah. There is nothing against marrying from outside ur country but if noone is doing it then the cultural issues with it remain...
After some time the parents may even be thanking that child. Eg I know that situation above now the father says dont remind me what I did before like refusing on those reasons of country, these are my jahil days dont remind me... and then this father now wen other parents are refusing on the same reason he tried 2 talk 2 them and tell them there is nothing wrong with it and we dont have racism in Islam.
I'm referring 2 background here cos its mainly the common problem why parents dont agree, and as the poster said she doesnt speak the same mother language etc etc, its a likely cause of the situation.
and to clarify when challenging parents perceptions about this matter, i mean always and only to do it in a respectful way! i realise some youngsters among us do it in a rude way, of course that will not work and is sinful 2 talk in rude and arrogant ways 2 parents.
im not saying the guy shld end it :smack:
at the end of the day a man is a man and he shld stand up for right whether it causes him harm or not... i mean wth its not like a man needs to worry abt pain hes supposed to be dealing with that anyway... but for a woman its different her priority is herself and her future kids and family etc... why shld she put herself in this situation if she is wary? for her the best might be probs to take the easy way out have a life where she is free from any possibility (like you said is not definate) of not getting on with in laws...i mean no ones gonna blame the girl for backing out as naturally women are weaker in that sense then men ie emotional pain...
HamnahBintJahsh
20-03-07, 06:26 PM
:jkk: for the advice.
Al-Irhaab
20-03-07, 06:38 PM
:jkk: for the advice.
barakallahu fiki...
wot not even a rep? :o
.: Anna :.
20-03-07, 06:56 PM
im not saying the guy shld end it :smack:
at the end of the day a man is a man and he shld stand up for right whether it causes him harm or not... i mean wth its not like a man needs to worry abt pain hes supposed to be dealing with that anyway... but for a woman its different her priority is herself and her future kids and family etc... why shld she put herself in this situation if she is wary? for her the best might be probs to take the easy way out have a life where she is free from any possibility (like you said is not definate) of not getting on with in laws...i mean no ones gonna blame the girl for backing out as naturally women are weaker in that sense then men ie emotional pain...
sorry when you said should marry someone else i thought u were referring to the guy.
As for the girl, if she thinks he is "worth it" she might aswell go thru with it. if she knows him 2 b of a very good character and she feels that the inlaws are basically nice ppl despite their initial reservations with it, then im sure she will be fine. no marriage is without ne "risk" at all. some ppl they marry within their own family and the inlaws give them problem even tho mother in law is her own aunty, nothing is ever totally guarenteed / definate. so she can make istikhara and if positive then marry him and make best efforts with his family and make dua that Allah puts love within all of them, and insha allah its fine.
There have been some very elegant studies in the U.S. about why marriages succeed or fail.
Contrary to what many people may think, culture and ethnicity really aren't all that important when it comes to successful marriages.
The most important factors were education and class.
In other words, if you're well-educated and upper-middle-class, you have a much greater chance of having a successful marriage if you choose a partner who's also well-educated and upper-middle-class. If you're working-class, then you should probably marry another working-class person.
If you think about it, this is all pretty logical. Good marriages rely on a shared sense of values and a shared sense of purpose.
Woooooah so many deleted posts. Anna, you even deleted your own post!
heaven2002
20-03-07, 08:03 PM
if ur inlaws dont like u and ur going to have to live with them , then think long and hard about the marriage
marriage can be difficult enuf at the start w/out extra worries
but if uv done istikhara and u feel like the in laws will come round and theyre good people then dont let it put u off altogether
.: Anna :.
20-03-07, 08:34 PM
Woooooah so many deleted posts. Anna, you even deleted your own post!yeh my post was saying "please can u not go offtopic" but i felt ppl were ignoring so more efficient jst delete the lot :mujahida:
hmm..
u cant really say what they shud do in that situation..its upto the 'couple' themselves..what they feel..is it worth it?
next..we can say what we wud do personally..but ill not say.
Niqaabi
20-03-07, 08:43 PM
It does depend on the inlaws because my mum doesnt speak very good english, shes is learning, but her and my bro-in-law speak bangliurdu which is a mixture of bengali, english and urdu :p
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