View Full Version : Marriage Dilemma Please Help:
tayfah-mansurah
20-03-07, 10:07 AM
Salam Alaikum,
lately I've been getting alot of pressure from mum, sisters etc to get married, I'm 23, and still not sure if I'm ready, feel as though I am being pushed into getting married. Sisters saying just get married now for parents sake, to please them etc because they may not be around much longer.
Also, I'm not sure if I want to settle down in this country permanently, just feel like I dont belong here, what do you think I should do? jazakallah Khair
tayfah-mansurah
20-03-07, 10:08 AM
Salam Alaikum,
lately I've been getting alot of pressure from mum, sisters etc to get married, I'm 23, and still not sure if I'm ready, feel as though I am being pushed into getting married. Sisters saying just get married now for parents sake, to please them etc because they may not be around much longer.
Also, I'm not sure if I really want to settle down in this country, just feel like I dont belong here. What do you think I should do?
Jazallah Khair
Why don't you want to be married now?
Walikum salam,
Tell them how you feel. Obviously you want to please your parents but you do not want to be unhappy in the process nor make a possible future wife unhappy because it isn't what you want. Allahu Alim so perhaps pray salatul istikhara and take it from there.
Insha'allah, it all works out for you!
ammarcool
20-03-07, 10:15 AM
Salam Alaikum,
lately I've been getting alot of pressure from mum, sisters etc to get married, I'm 23, and still not sure if I'm ready, feel as though I am being pushed into getting married. Sisters saying just get married now for parents sake, to please them etc because they may not be around much longer.
Also, I'm not sure if
Dont think that you are getting pushed by your siblings! Inshallah they are planning to do the BEST, will do the BEST for you because now you are in a matured age & inshallah you should get married. IF you are confident, courageous then Inshallah go ahead with the marriage, pray isthikara & make DUA. Without any specific reasons dont get delay it!
junaidb
20-03-07, 10:18 AM
read istikharah salaah and tell them wot u intend doing.....if your istikharara is as u still feel then let them know ur exact feelings.....
Wassalaam
ammarcool
20-03-07, 10:24 AM
same post has been posted twice by mistaken!
Comment here:
http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthread.php?t=118013
sunrise
20-03-07, 10:29 AM
salam
sis in islam we are encouraged to marry young, i remember i went to a talk by bro Jalal ibn Saeed and he said it was wishperings from shaytan who makes us feel that we are not ready and he is trying to keep us away from strengthening our imanand hes so right
People create this kind of 'structure' for marriage oh me mst have this kind of job and this kind of car and she must this and that...
but marriage is all about growing together, so what is there not to feel not ready about?....i mean as long as your mature and willing that's all i think that you need and the rest goes up to your personality, deen righteouness etc but we all need to work on those anyway so why not help each other?
InshAllah you can defo find a bro who wants to move away to another country so i don't think that is a valid reason because actually these days most bros and sisters getting married dont have plans to stay here forever anyways and marriage is all about sacrifice anyway
and sis trust me it takes a long time 2 find a good bro so there is no harm is starting to look, and inshAllah just make dua and make any future intentions clear to a future potential so you are clear on what you both want
Sunrise:inlove:
Inshallah even if you're unsure about getting married now, surely you'd want to get married at some point in the future. In which case, there's no harm in starting to look now cos' by the time you feel more ready- you'll be wondering where all the good bros have disappeared to:rubeyes: What I mean is, it can take a long time to find the right person so the earlier you start looking the better and by the time you're more 'ready'/prepared to settle down, you'd have a fair bit of experience under your belt already about how to deal with rishtas/proposals etc.
Just remember one thing; don't go into a marriage where you're already carrying doubts and uncertainties about the brother but still think of marrying him because of family pressure and hearing the constant mantra of "oh stop being so picky, nobody is perfect out there so settle for this guy who has a good job/car/tribe etc":rubeyes:
This might sound romantic, but it's true of the strongest marriages I've seen so far: generally speaking, when you meet a compatible guy who's right for you, you will KNOW that he's the one for you and at that point, you wont have that "wait until I feel ready" attitude; you'd want to go for him and then everyone else will be telling you to slow down and hold your horses lol.
tayfah-mansurah
22-03-07, 08:16 AM
by the way, I'm a brother, not a sister lol
Inshallah even if you're unsure about getting married now, surely you'd want to get married at some point in the future. In which case, there's no harm in starting to look now cos' by the time you feel more ready- you'll be wondering where all the good bros have disappeared to:rubeyes: What I mean is, it can take a long time to find the right person so the earlier you start looking the better and by the time you're more 'ready'/prepared to settle down, you'd have a fair bit of experience under your belt already about how to deal with rishtas/proposals etc.
Just remember one thing; don't go into a marriage where you're already carrying doubts and uncertainties about the brother but still think of marrying him because of family pressure and hearing the constant mantra of "oh stop being so picky, nobody is perfect out there so settle for this guy who has a good job/car/tribe etc":rubeyes:
This might sound romantic, but it's true of the strongest marriages I've seen so far: generally speaking, when you meet a compatible guy who's right for you, you will KNOW that he's the one for you and at that point, you wont have that "wait until I feel ready" attitude; you'd want to go for him and then everyone else will be telling you to slow down and hold your horses lol.
sally29
22-03-07, 09:12 AM
im in the same kind of problem as tayfah mansurah, my parents r divorced, bcos my father had a short temper and used to beat up my mum, they ended up divorcing after a long court battle, well the other day, my dad lost it, and swore abuse at my mother in the shop, bcos he is very bitter towards my mother, who is his ex-wife and told me to marry a girl from pakistan, bcos basically the muslim sisters in this country according to him are loose and too loud for a simple guy like me, also with the backing of my uncle he said the muslim sisters in this country r no good, im very scared at the moment and dont want to go to pakistan.
sally29
22-03-07, 09:17 AM
im just wondering y do some of the muslim brothers in this country have such a low opinion of their muslim sisters in the uk, i meet halal butchers from pakistan with big moustaches and they say the girls in this country r no good, even some maulanas have said to me dont marry a sister from this country, they say stuff like the sisters in this country have an attitude problem, a chip on their shoulder, they dont stay in your control, i dont understand it y bring your sons to this country, if u dont want them to marry the muslimahs in the uk.
Al Aqsa
22-03-07, 10:10 AM
Assalaamu alaykum Tayfah-Mansurah,
The advice I would give is (for whatever it's worth!) that inshaAllah it would be beneficial for you to start looking into proposals now as the process can be a long one! At the end of the day, you will marry whenever Allah has written for you to get married.
There are soooo many blessings in marriage such as, following the Sunnah, completeing half of your Imaan, (because there are so many good deeds attached to marriage), getting the reward of providing for your family, not committing zinaa in any of it's forms, pleasing your wife inshaAllah, adding to the Ummah and with each child that you have inshaAllah if you make the intention of raising that child to have taqwa, you will gain so much reward for it and for their children and their children, etc. The love that you have and peace that you find in your partner is truly a Rahma from Allah - subhanAllah!
I don't think you should dismiss the idea - it is good to marry young as you will be fit and healthy and able to do so much more inshaAllah with your family, if you have children young you will be 'intouch' with them and be able to have a good relationship with them as you will understand them more inshaAllah.
Alhamdulillah marriage is wonderful and I guess you don't really know what it is like until you do it! Obviously you have your ups and downs but the key is that you go through these things 'together' - you have each other and that bond is very strong mashaAllah!
:)
Na'eemah
22-03-07, 10:13 AM
:wswrwb:
We are encouraged to get married young sis, and like Abu Talha said yesterday most men want a young sis to marry and it becomes increasingly difficult to marry someone the older you get.
Also marriage is half of your faith and helps you to guard your chastity.
Praying istikhara is a must also.
If you're not ready to get married right now and no fitnah is coming ure way..then wait till ure ready..explain to ure family that u wish to move out this country and u will get married but in due time..tho if u are coming in the way of fitnah then get married..:)
greenwater
22-03-07, 11:06 AM
I think it is important that you be enthusiatic about marriage, be energetic, and think positive if you are to get Married, and for the marriage to start off well. If you feel your not ready, and you get married, you may be entering marriage with a negative mindset, be dull, and it may not get off to a good start, and may be unfair on your marriage partner.
Therefore if you don't feel ready, talk to your parents/sisters and explain it so. Then do some self-analysing, to find out why you don't feel ready, and then to try to correct it, and do research, gain knowledge into the islamic marriage and what is required of you, and how to enter into it positively. Once you start this, you'll be inshallah ready for marriage without further delays.
:wswrwb:
...most men want a young sis to marry and it becomes increasingly difficult to marry someone the older you get.
I agree...
sisters are waiting and brothers are not ready.
www.themiddlepath.co.uk/matrimonial.asp
I agree...
sisters are waiting and brothers are not ready.
www.themiddlepath.co.uk/matrimonial.asp
:jkk: bro! :up:
by the way, I'm a brother, not a sister lol
Lol, sorry, it's just that I've never heard of the name tayfah before and the only mansurah I know is a woman.
my dad lost it, and swore abuse at my mother in the shop, bcos he is very bitter towards my mother, who is his ex-wife and told me to marry a girl from pakistan, bcos basically the muslim sisters in this country according to him are loose and too loud for a simple guy like me, also with the backing of my uncle he said the muslim sisters in this country r no good, im very scared at the moment and dont want to go to pakistan.
Now you have no excuse- Sally is a girls name! :scratch: Anyway, who do you live with or spend more time with because if you live with your dad, I'd imagine the pressure would be greater to go to Pakistan. What does your mum say about it? If the pressure becomes too much or he tries to force you then move out. Either move to your mums or find somewhere to go independently.
im just wondering y do some of the muslim brothers in this country have such a low opinion of their muslim sisters in the uk, i meet halal butchers from pakistan with big moustaches and they say the girls in this country r no good, even some maulanas have said to me dont marry a sister from this country, they say stuff like the sisters in this country have an attitude problem, a chip on their shoulder, they dont stay in your control, i dont understand it y bring your sons to this country, if u dont want them to marry the muslimahs in the uk.
I think that says it all. Only control freaks would say stuff like that. Women are not robots that are meant for 'control'. What they usually mean is that British Muslimahs are less likely to tolerate abuse quietly than their desi counterparts and this is true. However they have a point where it comes to one issue; you don't want to marry a control freak woman either. I hope you'd be wise enough to know the difference between a strong Muslimah who stands up for herself and a control freak trouble maker- unfortunately some bros who are missing a few braincells can't tell the difference and that's why I've put one of them on block already:rolleyes: Inshallah, nearer the time you get married and make wedding plans, keep a close eye on how compromsing the sister and her family are (ie do they insist on not budging when it comes to ruling out things which are important to you etc). That sort of thing speaks volumes. Also when looking for a rishta and talking to a sister about marriage, take note of whether she's mature enough to discuss issues about your future and marriage (ie whether to work after marriage, division of housework, views on raising a family) or whether she's immature enough to focus her energies on her 'big day' regardless of what comes afterwards.
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