View Full Version : Dilemma
rida786
31-12-06, 04:39 PM
I hope that you will be able to spare a few minutes for your sister in Islam inshallah and give me some sound advice.
I am 29 yrs old with a small child and I have been married for the last 6 yrs but have been unhappy. The problem is that there is a big difference btw our mental levels, he is not really clever or 'sharp' but a wonderful human being. He is caring and understanding and doesn't demand much from me, just that I love him unconditionally. His English is not very good as he is from Pakistan and he works in Security. I am on the other hand British born and bred, I have a degree in Computer Science and I work as an executive for a local govt dept. I am now at the crucial stage where I have to make a decision to either accept him and stay or leave him in hope of finding someone more suitable.
It would be particularly helpful if my divorced sisters could advise me on this as they are on the "other side" so to speak, I was hoping they could give an insight into how life is after divorce especially if you have children and how hard/easy it is to find a decent, genuine life partner, as I don't want to leave him and then regret it for the rest of my life or be left on my own.
May Allah bless you all and make it easy for you inshallah, May He shower you with true happiness and contentment in this life and the hereafter (Ameen).
Al Qadr
31-12-06, 04:43 PM
You have a kid! Stick to the marriage Insha'Allah.
Some women have to put up with husbands who beat them up and opress them. If he isnt "clever" his gift may lie somewhere else. Human beings arent perfect, we can't be good @ all things, we are all unique in our own way.
bosnian_sis
31-12-06, 04:44 PM
assalamu alaikum!
Sister, what´s with the islamic site? How is his deen - how is his islam-practice? You´re only talking about the intelect side, but what is with his Iman?
assalamu alaikum
Abdelrhman
31-12-06, 04:51 PM
:salams
May Allah help you be strong and get through these tough times.
I'm a young brother, so my opinion might not matter much, but here it goes:
I think you should check his Islam. You said he's a caring husband that cares about you, but he's lacking in another area. But if he practices Islam to the best of his ability, my advice is you should stay with him especially since you have a child with him already.
rida786
31-12-06, 04:52 PM
Jazakallah for your response. He is does fast during Ramadan and doesn't drink or eat haram but he doesn't pray 5 times, only on Fridays or whenever he can.
Sis :( you have a child, this is no slight matter
youve not mentioned him being oppressive towards you or unkind or not fulfilling his rights as a husband, you say he caring and non demanding.
sis degrees and qualifications mean very little. Shaytaan whispers away and will attempts to create divides, please stick to the marraige.
i know of sisters in situations brutally oppressive and yours sounds blissful in comparison.
if he doesnt stimulate you intellectually try and help encourage him to learn english further or take up evening classess if possible. marriage is sanctimonious and too precious to consider discarding over levels of intelligence. the most simple folk, people who implement the little knowledge they have can be the beloved of Allah, this being better that people full of knowledge but carrying it around without paying heed to it like a donkey carrying books on their backs.
there are sisters out there who have husbands who abuse their power and positions in islam, men who beat their wives violently but appear as wonderful examples of personifying deen during the day. men who are promiscuous and vile in their actions. youve described him as a very decent guy mashallah, emaan is what matter her sis. do dhikr asking for protection from the whispering of shaytaans suggestions inshallah. hope all works out for you.
Uh oh. My wife reads this forum, and she is much smarter (or more clever as you Brits say) than I.
I hope she doesn't get any ideas. :(
But seriously, is he is a good person? A good father?
Why is his education a problem for you? Is it because it hinders your ability to have a good conversation with him? Or it is because you're unhappy with his career or career prospects?
Nusayba bint Ka'b
31-12-06, 05:10 PM
You married him like that didn't you? Why is this now an issue after you have a child with him?
SubhanAllah
I'm sorry if I am wrong, but I get the impression that you are looking down upon him, especially when you describe your career and status and your nationality.:confused:
If you ask me, I'd say don't leave him, you knwo what they say "you won't miss the water, until the well goes dry"!
I hope that you will be able to spare a few minutes for your sister in Islam inshallah and give me some sound advice.
I am 29 yrs old with a small child and I have been married for the last 6 yrs but have been unhappy. The problem is that there is a big difference btw our mental levels, he is not really clever or 'sharp' but a wonderful human being. He is caring and understanding and doesn't demand much from me, just that I love him unconditionally. His English is not very good as he is from Pakistan and he works in Security. I am on the other hand British born and bred, I have a degree in Computer Science and I work as an executive for a local govt dept. I am now at the crucial stage where I have to make a decision to either accept him and stay or leave him in hope of finding someone more suitable.
It would be particularly helpful if my divorced sisters could advise me on this as they are on the "other side" so to speak, I was hoping they could give an insight into how life is after divorce especially if you have children and how hard/easy it is to find a decent, genuine life partner, as I don't want to leave him and then regret it for the rest of my life or be left on my own.
May Allah bless you all and make it easy for you inshallah, May He shower you with true happiness and contentment in this life and the hereafter (Ameen).
Wa alaykum as salaam
Divorce in Islam is not something of preference or convenience my dear sister, and it cannot happen so easily because it is not a light matter for muslims. What are your grounds for wanting a divorce ukhtee? What has your husband done that warrants a divorce?
Al-Saeed Abdi
31-12-06, 05:49 PM
I am now at the crucial stage where I have to make a decision to either accept him and stay or leave him in hope of finding someone more suitable.This crucial stage you speak of is not now, it was and has gone before you even got married to this brother, where upon you made the decision to marry him in the first place. It seems you now have regrets. Maybe there is something missing, that something that was there early on in your marriage. My advice, speak with your husband, and maybe together you can come to an amicable solution, even if that does end up to be divorce. But please do take a look around, good people are few in this world we live in. Also, from what I’ve read and heard, divorced women are shunned by Muslim societies, and given your perceived reasons for divorce, I would imagine it'll make a lot of potential suitors a little apprehensive.
May Allah (swT) help you (both) in this difficult time, Ameen.
Ma'aSalaama
Abu Muslim
31-12-06, 05:53 PM
The Prophet SAW said [paraphrased]: Look over the fault of your wife as you might not like one aspect of her but will find something else in her that you do like.
This obviously applies to husband aswell, he might not be perfect but everyone has faults. If you do find a more intellegent man, you might not find him to be as caring or loving as he is to you.
rida786
31-12-06, 06:04 PM
At the time when I married him I did not know how clever he is as he was living in Pakistan and I only met him when we used to go over there on holiday, and during that time as well we would not spend much time together as per our Islamic culture. We had an arranged marriage and it was only after I got married and spend about a year or so with him that I got to know him. Since the last 4 years I have been thinking of leaving him but have not left him because my family have always told me that I would regret it later on and may end up either on my own or someone worse. I've always listened to their advice and tried to make it work, but unfortunately have not been successful. That is why after 6 yrs of marriage we didn't have a baby until just recently......in the attempt to improve our relationship. But even after having the baby, I still feel the same.
His intellect is a problem as it does hinder my ability to have a good conversation with him and especially in situations where there is a problem, I usually come up with the solution (I don't wanna sound big-headed or anything but this is the truth). Also, he is not a sharp person and gets absent-minded which is very annoying in day to day life. In terms of his career prospects, he is not an ambitious guy as it is, but due to his education being from Pakistan and his English Skills being poor, there is little chance of progressing into a more professional field. On the other hand, I've always been ambitious and by nature I am an observant and sharp person.
I really am not looking down on him or boasting my qualities, I am just being honest so that anyone reading this gets the whole picture before advising me. I do have alot of weaknesses as well, the biggest being that I lose my temper quite quickly and am not a very patient person. He on the other hand he is very cool-tempered and patient.
After getting a deeper insight into my life please do advise me......I have been depressed for the last 1 and half years and am relying on my Muslim brothers and sisters to help me out, and I stress again especially my Muslim divorced sisters with children, who can provide valuable advice to me in this situation. If you don't want to reply openly in the forum you can send a private message, in order to protect your privacy.
Jazakhallah Khair
Al Qadr
31-12-06, 06:06 PM
Jazakallah for your response. He is does fast during Ramadan and doesn't drink or eat haram but he doesn't pray 5 times, only on Fridays or whenever he can.
Have u told him about praying 5 times? and the importance of the prayers?
Some muslims dont even read jummah prayer, sad but true :(
He doesnt drink which is good :up: just talk to him about the 5 prayers. Also you have a kid, so he should to give the kid a good example.
umme ahmed
31-12-06, 06:14 PM
marriage is what you make it. from what you describe your husband is a caring individual. look towards his positive characteristics rather than focusing on the negative. every individual has good traits and bad including yourself...divorce should be the last and final resort in any situation and should never be taken lightly. shaytaan loves to create fitnah between husband and wife and the love between them is a big blow to him. dont listen to his whispers when he says you will be better off divorced...
a divorce will have a very very bad and lasting effect on your child. you may or may not get married after a divorce. there are not many men who will accept a divorced women with a child. being a lone parent will be extremely difficult.
sister, learn to love your husband, for the sake of your child and for the pleasure of Allah Ta'ala as Allah Ta'ala hates divorce. If you have a need, ask Allah Ta'ala, He is sufficient for you.
We should try not to focus too much on worldy things such as careers....rather this life should be looked upon as a test and is like the blinking of an eye when compared to the life hereafter. take the path of sabr and you will be content in whatever situation you find yourself in....know that Allah Ta'ala is with those who patiently persevere and has many rewards for His servants who accept what He has written for them and still remain thankful.
May Allah Ta'ala increase the love between you and your husband and make your married life fulfilling, happy and good for your deen. ameen.
If you tell him you are not happy with something; he will be very sad. If you tell him or imply you are considering divorce, and he loves you as much as you say; he will be crushed and probably grant you your wish.
Who would want to stay in a marriage where they're partner no longer wants them or even respects them?
If you feel that you are not satisfied with him, then in my opinion you will only grow distant from him. I think you need to re-assess exactly why you married him in the first place if he's not good enough for you.
There are very few brothers I know of who would want to marry a divorcee with a child and even fewer who would accept you considering the reasons you're giving for divorce. They would think that if you can divorce a man over such a small matter (I know it doesn't look like a small matter to you but most men would perceive it as such), would you show good potential for making a lifetime commitment with someone else? Or end up wanting to leave him over a small matter as well?
I hate to bolt the door after the horse has fled but seriously ukhti, having a kid in the hope of bolstering up an already unhealthy marriage is a REALLY REALLY REALLY BAD IDEA:rubeyes: The odd thing is that you're giving very external reasons for wanting to leave him such as his education and work status when really the most important thing in a relationship should be the internal relationship within the home which sounds okay from what you've described so far (ie in terms of how he treats you day to day). Who spends the most time taking care of your baby? Are you the breadwinner by any chance?
There are very few brothers I know of who would want to marry a divorcee with a child and even fewer who would accept you considering the reasons you're giving for divorce. They would think that if you can divorce a man over such a small matter (I know it doesn't look like a small matter to you but most men would perceive it as such), would you show good potential for making a lifetime commitment with someone else? Or end up wanting to leave him over a small matter as well?
I hate to bolt the door after the horse has fled but seriously ukhti, having a kid in the hope of bolstering up an already unhealthy marriage is a REALLY REALLY REALLY BAD IDEA:rubeyes: The odd thing is that you're giving very external reasons for wanting to leave him such as his education and work status when really the most important thing in a relationship should be the internal relationship within the home which sounds okay from what you've described so far (ie in terms of how he treats you day to day). Who spends the most time taking care of your baby? Are you the breadwinner by any chance?
Although I agree with you on what you call "external" problems shouldn't fuel the need for divorce; if she is really unhappy to the point she even considers divorce, surely she has gone over the line and can probably never feel the same for him?
Would he even want that kind of marriage if he knew how she felt?
Would you if you were in his position?
Nusayba bint Ka'b
31-12-06, 07:20 PM
Although I agree with you on what you call "external" problems shouldn't fuel the need for divorce; if she is really unhappy to the point she even considers divorce, surely she has gone over the line and can probably never feel the same for him?
Would he even want that kind of marriage if he knew how she felt?
Would you if you were in his position?
If you can't give proper islamic advice, I think you should refrain yourself from posting in threads like this, since you always encourage people who seek advice away from the islamic view point, while you only speak from your own desires.
Maybe you should do a little "reading" on the islamic viewpoint about divorce in Islam, and how we should work on how to bring two muslims together and not the opposite!
. I am now at the crucial stage where I have to make a decision to either accept him and stay or leave him in hope of finding someone more suitable.
What have you already tried or what kind of attempts have you made at resolving this issue?
Im assuming you've tried a few things since you state things being at a "crucial stage" or making a decision of staying or going.
If you can't give proper islamic advice, I think you should refrain yourself from posting in threads like this, since you always encourage people who seek advice away from the islamic view point, while you only speak from your own desires.
Maybe you should do a little "reading" on the islamic viewpoint about divorce in Islam, and how we should work on how to bring two muslims together and not the opposite!
I don't desire married couples to depart, so please don't imply otherwise simply because I've expressed how unfair it is for the husband in this situation.
His wife doesn't want him anymore for certain reasons. He sounds like a decent husband in how he treats her, so I feel sorry for him. But from a personal point of view, I don't think it will end happily ever after if he finds out about this.
The Islam standpoint on this should be clear to her if she is already married. I can only repeat the main point; try to work it out.
But if she wants to divorce him for certain aspects of his character like his intelligence, then she can either teach him during the evenings and help him become more intelligent although I doubt she would do this. Or she can live with it and realise that she does have a good family of hers.
But she already knows this, but doesn't want her husband because of such reasons - which I don't feel have solutions. It's just the way he is.
It's like marrying someone and then complain years later, that they are short. But he is not clever enough for her, which is even more derogative for him!
I dont think anyone would have much hope for their future if they were told they were not wanted anymore because they weren't bright enough.
This is just common sense; I just wanted to state it because I'm sure others would have repeated the Islamic viewpoint to her. So she has a variation of responses now!
as salamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi sister, masha Allah i cant add much more than this to the advise thats been given but u know our prophet salallahu alleyhi wa salam said that a woman who asks for divorce without a good reason will not smell the frangrance of jannah...something to think about.
I am twice divorced from very opressive physically and metally abusive husbands, one non muslim ( before i came to Islam) and one was a muslim extremely intelligent with a masters degree who had excellent knowledge of his deen and he was fully practising prayed 5 times a day etc etc. but behind closed doors he refused all of my rights, even to very basic maintainance wouldnt pay the rent or the bills, or let my children eat from any food he bought, and he only bought food a few times for me, and denied me children, and he was so jelous of my children and even beat one up quite severley, and this was our test from Allah ta ala.
I can tell u that it is near impossible to marry again in todays world of "cultural muslims" If i had a husband who worked hard, and supported me, and gave me a child im sure i would be one of the happiest women in the world, even if he wasnt very smart, hes smart enough to know how to take care of you, and love u and give u a child masha Allah i dont know what more i could ask for.
If u feel u have greater intelligence than him then masha Allah thank Allah ta ala for that, and use what Allah has given you to help your husband in his deen, and be his supporter his comforter his garment as Allah ta ala says and help him in life.
maybe Allah ta ala made you his wife to compensate for his shortcomings, Allahu alam maybe together u have a good blance to get through the struggles of life...make duaa to Allah ta ala to bless your husband with the same understanding and practice of Islam, for nothing is by our own doing, and we know absolutely nothing without Allah ta ala allowing us to have knowledge of anything at all,even the ability to speak or hear or understand, could all be snatched away at any time audu billah.
U could help educate your husband islamically, encourage him in his deen build knowledge of the deen together, but in such a way that he doesnt feel that you are undermining him or looking down on him,this is not good for a man he is the amir of the family and perhaps he knows and understands much more than you think and he is afraid to express himself Allahu alam. Even if it is you who finds the solutions for the problems of life do it in such a way as to let him feel that it is him that has protected and helped his family insha Allah. He could simply be suffering from low self esteem. Allahu alam.
Its almost impossible in this day and age for a divorced woman to find men of the calibre of the sahabba ( although masha Allah some such men do exist in the ummah today Alhamdulillah but they are so rare like precious jewels ) who will take care of you and raise another mans child as his own, apart from that your child has the right to know his/her own father, and u will have to explain to your child one day why that child had to grow up with no father, children have rights in Islam too, and u will have to stand before Allah ta ala with a very good reason as to why u sought this divorce. Allahu alam.
Also islamically your husband has the full custody of your child when he/she reaches a certain age if u remarry, so u should consider that also insha Allah ta ala. try to overlook your husbands shortcomings, we all have them, and some are more blessed with this or that than others, but others who seem to have little in this life are far more blessed in the akhira..Allahu alam
may Allah ta ala give u strength and courage to face life together and support one another amin.
(as the saying goes.. i complained i had no shoes, till i met a man who had no feet...)
SubhanAllah, couldnt have said it better mashAllah.
Na'eemah
31-12-06, 07:56 PM
I agree with what sis asiya said about educating him. Also why not enrol him on an English course as most are free. Just search in your local area, the local government must have a booklet on courses inshaAllah.
I agree with what sis asiya said about educating him. Also why not enrol him on an English course as most are free. Just search in your local area, the local government must have a booklet on courses inshaAllah.
I thought of this too. But I thought of this after..
If she is considering divorce because he is not smart enough; then I'm assuming the idea of teaching him herself did not come into her mind. And because she doesn't want him for this reason, then I doubt she would accept the concept of schooling her husband, or having a husband that is going to school to learn the language.
Too embarrassing for her maybe?
But they've been married for six years I believe? Surely this was discussed between them e.g. schooling.
as salamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi sister, masha Allah i cant add much more than this to the advise thats been given but u know our prophet salallahu alleyhi wa salam said that a woman who asks for divorce without a good reason will not smell the frangrance of jannah...something to think about.
I am twice divorced from very opressive physically and metally abusive husbands, one non muslim ( before i came to Islam) and one was a muslim extremely intelligent with a masters degree who had excellent knowledge of his deen and he was fully practising prayed 5 times a day etc etc. but behind closed doors he refused all of my rights, even to very basic maintainance wouldnt pay the rent or the bills, or let my children eat from any food he bought, and he only bought food a few times for me, and denied me children, and he was so jelous of my children and even beat one up quite severley, and this was our test from Allah ta ala.
I can tell u that it is near impossible to marry again in todays world of "cultural muslims" If i had a husband who worked hard, and supported me, and gave me a child im sure i would be one of the happiest women in the world, even if he wasnt very smart, hes smart enough to know how to take care of you, and love u and give u a child masha Allah i dont know what more i could ask for.
If u feel u have greater intelligence than him then masha Allah thank Allah ta ala for that, and use what Allah has given you to help your husband in his deen, and be his supporter his comforter his garment as Allah ta ala says and help him in life.
maybe Allah ta ala made you his wife to compensate for his shortcomings, Allahu alam maybe together u have a good blance to get through the struggles of life...make duaa to Allah ta ala to bless your husband with the same understanding and practice of Islam, for nothing is by our own doing, and we know absolutely nothing without Allah ta ala allowing us to have knowledge of anything at all,even the ability to speak or hear or understand, could all be snatched away at any time audu billah.
U could help educate your husband islamically, encourage him in his deen build knowledge of the deen together, but in such a way that he doesnt feel that you are undermining him or looking down on him,this is not good for a man he is the amir of the family and perhaps he knows and understands much more than you think and he is afraid to express himself Allahu alam. Even if it is you who finds the solutions for the problems of life do it in such a way as to let him feel that it is him that has protected and helped his family insha Allah. He could simply be suffering from low self esteem. Allahu alam.
Its almost impossible in this day and age for a divorced woman to find men of the calibre of the sahabba ( although masha Allah some such men do exist in the ummah today Alhamdulillah but they are so rare like precious jewels ) who will take care of you and raise another mans child as his own, apart from that your child has the right to know his/her own father, and u will have to explain to your child one day why that child had to grow up with no father, children have rights in Islam too, and u will have to stand before Allah ta ala with a very good reason as to why u sought this divorce. Allahu alam.
Also islamically your husband has the full custody of your child when he/she reaches a certain age if u remarry, so u should consider that also insha Allah ta ala. try to overlook your husbands shortcomings, we all have them, and some are more blessed with this or that than others, but others who seem to have little in this life are far more blessed in the akhira..Allahu alam
may Allah ta ala give u strength and courage to face life together and support one another amin.
(as the saying goes.. i complained i had no shoes, till i met a man who had no feet...)
:up: I posted with negative outlooks for this situation, because the reasons why she wants a divorce are laughable in my opinion. If he were to find out; I don't know how a healthy marriage could exist knowing your partner thinks like that.
So it's best not to tell him about this if you reconsider divorce.
cl@rity
31-12-06, 09:48 PM
sister i dont even know y u r considering to leave him...i mean u sed urself theres nothing rong with him except the fact that ur mental levels differ slightly..u love him dont u? wud u want to leave him becoz of a career and becoz u think urself 'better' than him in the sense that u are more educated than he is? i mean wht sorts of probs wud cum up that wud seem impossible to resolve and u wud have to resort to divorce? divorce is the most biggest thing that pleases the shaitaan and the most hated in the eyes of Allah. ppl take it so very lightly nowadays!
sister wht wud u do if u find a guy who is educated enuff for u but in the end, is not able to love u the sme way this one dus? Plz sister DO NOT take ur husbands love for granted...its too wrong for u to even consider it especiall ywith a child from him...i dnt mean to be harsh but a) ur motive is not good enuff and b) i think ur bein selfish.
u have to get rid of the unhappiness by looking at all of his good points...dus he love u? if so, how much? dus he luv his child? dus he love his family? how much dus his family mean to him? etc etc
look at our Prophet (s), so uneducated yt had wives who were so much mre educated! education is peanuts compared to a loving husband and an Islamic married life. (i cud kill for that and ditch my education even if i was in oxford studying physics !! :D) u have to decide what cums 1st, ur education and career standards or ur family. u mentioned ur sisters are divorced, imagine what ur family and parents will go thru...
sister, sometimes its best to let go of those things that look good for us, because Islam teaches us that what we think is good for us, may have so much badness in it for us and what we think is bad for us, may have so much goodness in it for us...Allah Knows best.
wsalaam :)
It's true.
Having a 'smarter' husband, or a higher living standard does not automatically equate to a happier marriage.
You are lucky to have a good career, to have a child, to have a loving and hard working husband.
cl@rity
31-12-06, 10:01 PM
thumbs up for the human above :D
.: Anna :.
31-12-06, 10:34 PM
I also think it seems a bad idea to divorce. What you have said the guy seems good, he treats u well and everything masha allah but everyone has their faults. Instead of focusing on that too much, try to think about his good points and characteristics and when u dwell on those instead of on the bad ones, ur love for him would increase. Its natural that if u think more about the faults the love decreases, and more about the good qualities the love increases. Try to remember and be thankful about the positive things which he does and be happy about ur situation. Many people do have it alot worse than that. Alot of people would give alot to have a husband like that which u described, and to have a child and a home and all that. Divorce is not something to take lightly. He's not oppressed u or nething so just because ur not totally satisfied with it, dont chuck it in because of that. Life is not always perfect and it can not be like that, so we shudnt always expect that and always be pining for something more. When we reach jannah inshallah we get that perfectness, for here and now we will always hav some kind of imperfections to deal with but masha allah it seems what u do have is really not too bad.
Chained_Water
31-12-06, 10:53 PM
Sorry guys, I can tell you all have good intentions in advising this sister but it seems you are all doing so on the basis that you think her reasons are not good enough or don't take her issues seriously.
They are not small reasons or petty and shouldn't be belittled or whatever. If you can't even see from the sisters point of view and find her reasons laughable then why are you bothering to say anything to her, you don't even understand from her point of view.
Obviously it is a big deal because their experiences, education, employment, language, background greatly effect their personal relationship and the dynamics of their marriage.
She seems to be the breadwinner and the one who takes control of any situation and is in that way in charge. She obviously doesn't like that and would rather her husband assumed that role. It can be really depressing for the wife to feel she the dominant one in the marriage and doing things or being the way she would rather her husband was. If she has to be the one leading in everything and teaching him Islam, teaching the child, and he has no motivation in such things ever.. If she has ambitions and he has none and is happy to plod along life as it is with no goals in mind.. gosh, that is no petty thing :S
It creates a gulf and makes it difficult for her to look up to her husband.
Communication seems a major issue. If her language of preference is English and his is Urdu then the conversation they have will be limited, and that can be a very big deal. I don't think its a laughable reason. If you cant properly talk to your life companion then of course that will bother you. :S
I really don't understand why the sisters reasons for considering divorce are being so looked down upon like they are nothing? She's been considering divorce for 4 yrs of the marriage but has continued and tried to make it work, so obviously she does not take divorce seriously, don't patronise her by talking to her like she does.
Sister, I can understand how you feel but really have no idea what to advise you. You have a small child, that child will always connect you to your husband, he will inevitably always be a part of your life, because he will always be the father to your child. I can understand you feel depressed and unfulfilled, but it is very true that in this world it is difficult to detach yourself from the social stigma of being a divorcee with a child. Sadly that is just life and I know many sisters who are divorced with children and have little prospect of ever remarrying :(
You really need to do istikhara and weigh up the options.
Does your husband know how you feel about him?
Nusayba bint Ka'b
31-12-06, 11:03 PM
I don't desire married couples to depart, so please don't imply otherwise simply because I've expressed how unfair it is for the husband in this situation.
His wife doesn't want him anymore for certain reasons. He sounds like a decent husband in how he treats her, so I feel sorry for him. But from a personal point of view, I don't think it will end happily ever after if he finds out about this.
The Islam standpoint on this should be clear to her if she is already married. I can only repeat the main point; try to work it out.
But if she wants to divorce him for certain aspects of his character like his intelligence, then she can either teach him during the evenings and help him become more intelligent although I doubt she would do this. Or she can live with it and realise that she does have a good family of hers.
But she already knows this, but doesn't want her husband because of such reasons - which I don't feel have solutions. It's just the way he is.
It's like marrying someone and then complain years later, that they are short. But he is not clever enough for her, which is even more derogative for him!
I dont think anyone would have much hope for their future if they were told they were not wanted anymore because they weren't bright enough.
This is just common sense; I just wanted to state it because I'm sure others would have repeated the Islamic viewpoint to her. So she has a variation of responses now!
I see what u mean...:insha:
Allah knows best how it'll end, I hope it doesn't have to end at all:insha:
Masumah
31-12-06, 11:58 PM
I hope that you will be able to spare a few minutes for your sister in Islam inshallah and give me some sound advice.
I am 29 yrs old with a small child and I have been married for the last 6 yrs but have been unhappy. The problem is that there is a big difference btw our mental levels, he is not really clever or 'sharp' but a wonderful human being. He is caring and understanding and doesn't demand much from me, just that I love him unconditionally. His English is not very good as he is from Pakistan and he works in Security. I am on the other hand British born and bred, I have a degree in Computer Science and I work as an executive for a local govt dept. I am now at the crucial stage where I have to make a decision to either accept him and stay or leave him in hope of finding someone more suitable.
It would be particularly helpful if my divorced sisters could advise me on this as they are on the "other side" so to speak, I was hoping they could give an insight into how life is after divorce especially if you have children and how hard/easy it is to find a decent, genuine life partner, as I don't want to leave him and then regret it for the rest of my life or be left on my own.
May Allah bless you all and make it easy for you inshallah, May He shower you with true happiness and contentment in this life and the hereafter (Ameen).
divorce is the last option sis!!!!...shaitaan gloats wen a muslim family has a divorce..does he fulfill all ur rites as stipulated in the Qur'and and sunnah?? if so sister then u dont ave ne basis for divorce.
Sorry guys, I can tell you all have good intentions in advising this sister but it seems you are all doing so on the basis that you think her reasons are not good enough or don't take her issues seriously.
They are not small reasons or petty and shouldn't be belittled or whatever. If you can't even see from the sisters point of view and find her reasons laughable then why are you bothering to say anything to her, you don't even understand from her point of view.
Obviously it is a big deal because their experiences, education, employment, language, background greatly effect their personal relationship and the dynamics of their marriage.
She seems to be the breadwinner and the one who takes control of any situation and is in that way in charge. She obviously doesn't like that and would rather her husband assumed that role. It can be really depressing for the wife to feel she the dominant one in the marriage and doing things or being the way she would rather her husband was. If she has to be the one leading in everything and teaching him Islam, teaching the child, and he has no motivation in such things ever.. If she has ambitions and he has none and is happy to plod along life as it is with no goals in mind.. gosh, that is no petty thing :S
It creates a gulf and makes it difficult for her to look up to her husband.
Communication seems a major issue. If her language of preference is English and his is Urdu then the conversation they have will be limited, and that can be a very big deal. I don't think its a laughable reason. If you cant properly talk to your life companion then of course that will bother you. :S
I really don't understand why the sisters reasons for considering divorce are being so looked down upon like they are nothing? She's been considering divorce for 4 yrs of the marriage but has continued and tried to make it work, so obviously she does not take divorce seriously, don't patronise her by talking to her like she does.
Sister, I can understand how you feel but really have no idea what to advise you. You have a small child, that child will always connect you to your husband, he will inevitably always be a part of your life, because he will always be the father to your child. I can understand you feel depressed and unfulfilled, but it is very true that in this world it is difficult to detach yourself from the social stigma of being a divorcee with a child. Sadly that is just life and I know many sisters who are divorced with children and have little prospect of ever remarrying :(
You really need to do istikhara and weigh up the options.
Does your husband know how you feel about him?
Chain, this is right. But the thing that gets my attention more is that, here we have a successful woman, who is intelligent and has ambitious goals in life in every aspect. Yet after six years of marriage, and with a child, she wants divorce for this reason?
If he was abuse or unkind to her, then that's understandable. But it's rather ironic that she of all people is divorcing him for a lack of intelligence - I mean no offense when I say that, but..why exactly did she marry him, and why wait so long into a family's life to bring this up?
There are alot more questions for her, than for him. And that speaks volumes about your situation sister.
You know what's funny?..
Almost every married man I know, Muslim and non-Muslim, all say their wives are more intelligent than they are! And they are proud they have such wise woman as their life partners...
I'm sure her husband feels the same way about her :) Which is why this is really sad
Aly Khan
01-01-07, 01:06 PM
Salam,
Having gone through the various replies to the sister’s dilemma, I think most people are unable to understand her dilemma, I am facing the same predicament she is. I live in a foreign country and got married to a girl from Pakistan, I unfortunately did not take time out to get to know her too well, and I simply left the decision to my parents. We were in separate countries during the engagement period and our interaction would only be online, and that too for a few minutes. The first few days of married life were good, as we were caught up with dinners and functions, however on our honeymoon I realized that I had nothing to speak to her about. We were on very different wavelengths, and even simple communication was a problem, not because of the language barrier but due to different perceptions. We could not have a simple conversation without one of us misunderstanding the other. In addition to that we had nothing to talk about, as both our interests were very different, she was more into ladies clothes and movies. I on the other hand was interested in very many different things, which she had neither interest in, nor the intellectual capacity to have a conversation on anything. Soon we had nothing to say to each other, and I started going into my shell. We have however over the past 2 n half years of marriage tried to make things work, she harder then I have, however things have not changed. We sit there in silence, and I am very put off her, to the point that for the last 2 years I am put off her physically, as I need to be attracted to someone’s mind first. We also have not had a child, as to be honest I couldn’t see myself having a child when I was not too sure about the person. She is a nice girl, however there is more to married life then that, isn’t your partner supposed to be someone who adds value to your life? R they not supposed to help you grow as a person? R they also not meant to make you a better person and be a friend? It’s very lonely not having anyone to talk to, to share your thoughts, dreams aspirations with. I think the sister is facing the same dilemma as I m…and I can understand her sentiments. I am also thinking of divorce, as it would be better then the lives we r both living, am I wrong in wanting a divorce like the sister?
Allahu alam as a muslim if my husband is also practising Muslim, then i could talk about islamic matters with him all day and night long and never run out of things to say, the sahabba, ahadith,ayats of the Quran,seerah,aqeedah etc etc that is my life as a muslim,and i never grow tired of it, in fact the more i read, the more it makes me thirsty to learn more, i dont have any other hopes dreams or aspirations other than to fufil my obligations as a muslim on a daily basis, i could think of a million islamically related things to talk about, so i guess it all goes right back to the start in being sure to marry someone who loves their deen, to me marriage is based on love of deen if that is there on both parts then all the rest will follow. Allah knows best.
You both expect each other to adapt to one another. What are you interests? Are they sociaable? Are you sociable?
Maybe you should try to find an interest together?
You both expect each other to adapt to one another. What are you interests? Are they sociaable? Are you sociable?
Maybe you should try to find an interest together?
thats what im trying to say up there we are muslims, Islam is our interest we have no other buisness upon this earth, nothing else is important in our lives, except to learn, understand and implement our deen.
Al-Saeed Abdi
01-01-07, 01:47 PM
As Salaamu Alaikum,I think most people are unable to understand her dilemmaThis is a major issue, many if not most second generation Muslims are faced with. Please do not belittle the advice given here, I am sure most of those who responded have given it much thought. I personally have been putting off marriage to a person, as described by the both of you, for the last 5 years. My reasons are similar to yours. But this may well change this coming summer, Allahu Alim.
The both of you have conveniently shifted the bulk of the blame onto your other half, when you knew, or should have known for certain what you were getting yourself into before even getting married to these people. The matter of marriage is such a major life altering commitment that to leave it to your parents, alone, was the mistake you both made. No matter how much they love you, they will never know what truly pleases you. So please do not make this same mistake again next time.
Also, you have to understand that men and women are like completely different cultures. I hate to talk about stereotypes, but generally speaking there is much truth to this. In the worst case scenario, you both could get a divorce and just end up with the same issues, save the language barrier, with your new spouse.
Ma’aSalaama
thats what im trying to say up there we are muslims, Islam is our interest we have no other buisness upon this earth, nothing else is important in our lives, except to learn, understand and implement our deen.
Well it sounds they're just bored and wanna have some laughters and joy.
Well it sounds they're just bored and wanna have some laughters and joy.
Islam is laughter and fun and joy too, it isnt boring at all subhanAllah
Islam is laughter and fun and joy too, it isnt boring at all subhanAllah
I think we're on a different wave-lengths here lol.
On a personal level, I don't find reading about Islam to be boring. It's just not something I'd put under the bracket of "fun"; paint ball - that's fun :D
Maybe they too can discuss Islam? But over dinner at a restaurant or a picnic? Marriage is a relationship, not a right or a standard phase in life. You have to maintain the love and peace in a marriage. At times like this, maybe something that will get them excited and laughing could help by sparking something between them?
Take her somewhere. Save your marriage by first reintroducing those feelings you two once had for each other.
Al-Saeed Abdi
01-01-07, 04:03 PM
Take her somewhere. Save your marriage by first reintroducing those feelings you two once had for each other.The problem is Akhi, there doesn't seem to have ever been such feelings between them. But that is strange in itself.
Ma'aSalaama
The problem is Akhi, there doesn't seem to have ever been such feelings between them. But that is strange in itself.
Ma'aSalaama
Well I guess that can be the result of over eager parents, not doing their job properly or their children simply not caring who their parents bring them to marry.
If there were no feelings in the first place, that doesn't mean there cant be any feelings in the future.
Hmm, how do you make someone fall in love with you?
In this case, he/she need to tell the other that they will try to change things - and actually take action. Go out everyday or everynight, and do romantic things...reintroduce each other.
If that doesn't work, and you really do not want in each other - then what is the point anymore? Your just very unlucky, both of you, to have been married together when you were obviously not compatible.
Aly Khan
01-01-07, 05:14 PM
The problem is Akhi, there doesn't seem to have ever been such feelings between them. But that is strange in itself.
Ma'aSalaama
I read through the various post's and i find all of them have weight in them, however, as the brother stated there were not feelings to begin with...and there is no 'recipie' to create feelings, those are emotions that happen by themselves...we can try to stimulate conditions, but end of the day its not sustainable.
Even if i and my spouse were to use Islamic discussions as the means of establishing the bond, the point here is, you need to have the ability to communicate, or be able to communicate. Its very difficult to explain the 'communication' aspect, to most people it sounds very simple, to communicate you simply talk to the other person, if only life were as simple as that. I think we have all come across people with whom we just can't communicate.
The problem here is we rushed into things blindly, and to our detriment found out too late, but does one keep enduring the emptiness and pain? Or does one move on? Someone said in one of the earlier post that ' how do you know this might not happen with the next person we marry? Well the point here is the next time, one would not rush into things and ensure there is a foundation of communication and a fair amount of compatibilty. There will be up's and down's in every relationship, however once one does develop a bond with someone, you have a foundation.
I also implore the people posting in this forum to not adopt a condescending nor holier then thou attitude, its very easy to sit and judge when its not you who is in that situation.
I think we're on a different wave-lengths here lol.
On a personal level, I don't find reading about Islam to be boring. It's just not something I'd put under the bracket of "fun"; paint ball - that's fun :D
Maybe they too can discuss Islam? But over dinner at a restaurant or a picnic? Marriage is a relationship, not a right or a standard phase in life. You have to maintain the love and peace in a marriage. At times like this, maybe something that will get them excited and laughing could help by sparking something between them?
Take her somewhere. Save your marriage by first reintroducing those feelings you two once had for each other.
sorry but Islam isnt something that we put to one side and just read about now and then, Islam is your submission to Allah ta ala, and is in absolutley everything we do, there is an isalmic ettiquette for everything and an honourbale intention in all we do as muslims we seek to please Allah ta ala by our speech, activites and actions in everything we do.
one should constantly be aware of Allah ta ala and fear Him ta ala, and trust in Him ta ala every single minute of the day, and never loose sight of that. Being a muslim doesnt mean u do what u like then pray and read sometimes, being a muslim means that even when u have relations with your wife u do that seeking to please Allah ta ala, and by doing that your wife will be pleased too.
so wether u are going out for a meal with your spouse ( insha Allah not in a restaurant serving pork or alcohol of course) or wether u are going on a picnic, absolutely everything u do is done with the intention of pleasing Allah ta ala, and doing that according to Islamic ettiquette. Thats the bottem line in our lives, because without that then how are we muslims?
Being a muslim is not some kind of part time thing or just a name we call ourselves, because without seeking to do things islamically or seeking to please Allah ta ala, u will simply cause mayhem and misery to people around you and to yourself and your husband or wife or your family, wherever u go.
This life as Allah ta ala says in the Quran is not merely for amusement and play, and even in play we do that islamically fearing Allah ta ala,nothing will ever be sucsessful in this life, and u will never experience the peace that our submission to Allah ta ala gives us in our hearts without being a muslim in every single aspect of your life, in your thoughts,your words and your deed.
love or anything else cannot be "sparked" between a husband and wife on mere frivolities and romance alone its a whole package.
please listen to this out for the best advice and example of how to be a good spouse,
http://www.audioislam.com:8000/audio/fiqh/marriage/was_prophet_muhammed_(saws)_romantic_part_01.mp3.m 3u
http://www.audioislam.com:8000/audio/fiqh/marriage/was_prophet_muhammed_(saws)_romantic_part_02.mp3.m 3u
sorry but Islam isnt something that we put to one side and just read about now and then, Islam is your submission to Allah ta ala, and is in absolutley everything we do, there is an isalmic ettiquette for everything and an honourbale intention in all we do as muslims we seek to please Allah ta ala by our speech, activites and actions in everything we do.
one should constantly be aware of Allah ta ala and fear Him ta ala, and trust in Him ta ala every single minute of the day, and never loose sight of that. Being a muslim doesnt mean u do what u like then pray and read sometimes, being a muslim means that even when u have relations with your wife u do that seeking to please Allah ta ala, and by doing that your wife will be pleased too.
so wether u are going out for a meal with your spouse ( insha Allah not in a restaurant serving pork or alcohol of course) or wether u are going on a picnic, absolutely everything u do is done with the intention of pleasing Allah ta ala, and doing that according to Islamic ettiquette. Thats the bottem line in our lives, because without that then how are we muslims?
Being a muslim is not some kind of part time thing or just a name we call ourselves, because without seeking to do things islamically or seeking to please Allah ta ala, u will simply cause mayhem and misery to people around you and to yourself and your husband or wife or your family, wherever u go.
This life as Allah ta ala says in the Quran is not merely for amusement and play, and even in play we do that islamically fearing Allah ta ala,nothing will ever be sucsessful in this life, and u will never experience the peace that our submission to Allah ta ala gives us in our hearts without being a muslim in every single aspect of your life, in your thoughts,your words and your deed.
love or anything else cannot be "sparked" between a husband and wife on mere frivolities and romance alone its a whole package.
please listen to this out for the best advice and example of how to be a good spouse,
http://www.audioislam.com:8000/audio/fiqh/marriage/was_prophet_muhammed_(saws)_romantic_part_01.mp3.m 3u (http://www.audioislam.com:8000/audio/fiqh/marriage/was_prophet_muhammed_%28saws%29_romantic_part_01.m p3.m3u)
http://www.audioislam.com:8000/audio/fiqh/marriage/was_prophet_muhammed_(saws)_romantic_part_02.mp3.m 3u (http://www.audioislam.com:8000/audio/fiqh/marriage/was_prophet_muhammed_%28saws%29_romantic_part_02.m p3.m3u)
I was talking more of romantic activities for a Muslim husband and wife. Obviously the things they can do is limited by Islam; so their deen will remain part of their lives.
Once you referred to Islam, I assumed you meant an activity regarding Islam e.g. reading it - which I do not personally deem as an appropriate form of activity in the context I was speaking of.
By doing something else, I did not mean drop their deen for whatever they choose to do. I meant that just try something else other than live in a quiet house. Doing an activity like im expressing, is not un-Islamic so i dont think 'Islam' as a general aspect is relevant to this.
It should be there anyway..so it's not what im talking about
Rie_Maya
01-01-07, 05:25 PM
Salaams,
I am not going to advise you sister nor anyone in your position, as we all have to make these decsions ultimately alone - we all choose our own paths....
Howver, I do think that you need to fully look at all of the issues relating to either choice you have.....
If divorce:
1) Your and his family: Will there be consequences within your own families of isolation and lack of support etc? If so can your really bear this alone?
2) Community: do you live within a community that will stigmatise you for this choice - again can you bear this and bear the real prospective single life with a child possibly till the day you die?
3) Custody: Are you prepared that your husband may fight for legal custody? It happens, and often it is the most passive of partners who go down this road - and more win now than ever before - even if with shared custody!
4) New families:Are you happy to aim for a potential new life with a new partner taking on the role of "father" as well as your husband's role - in addtion topossibly taking on another man and woman's child(ren)?
5) Your child: Statistically, as I am sure you are aware there are manylinks to so-called "broken families" - are you willing to "bet" on your future happiness at the cost of your child's potential well-being?
I am not attempting to be over simplistic - I work with people on a daily basis who have and are making these decisions.....
If remain:
1) Mental wellbeing:Can you imagine a lifetime walking in the same shoes that you are in now? Or can you imagine it leading to health problems such as greater depression etc?
2) Education: If you encouraged your husband to become greater educated - perhaps whilst you support the family - as you have said you are apable of doing - whilst he initially learns greater English and perhaps a Professional Qualification/degree?
3) Culture: Have you considered "showing" your husband al those areas of life he is not familiar with? I use the phrase culture losely here - if for example you are interested in art or music - have you ever shown him why you have such a love for it...... perhaps he would then see what it is that draws you to it? We all start somewhere and have been introduced to these things once upon a time...
4) Counselling: Have you considered discussing the issues that you have with your husband and perhaps a third party such as a counsellor as often though you are mentioning his intelligence as a key problem, there could be an underlying issue(s) that's nto being addressed and if were who knows...???
5) Intellect: Lots of the replies have given you Islamic perceived advice - let's just say that you are right and you are "very intelligent" - do you perhaps not think then if this is the case that you may always be more intelligent than any man - according to your perceptions - so perhaps you need to look at other perhaps more shared intelligences??? ie You could divorce but never meet a man who you perceive as as intelligent as you - so would've gained nothing at all through divorcing? BUT you could perhaps find some middle ground where you are both as intelligent..... Not meaning to sound rude, but from your posting I would possibly say that he is emotionally more intelligent than you.....so he has intelligence just not of the type you wish he had...
6) Love: If you love him and he you - will you ever find someone who will give you this unconditionally again???
Well there's my two penneth - ultimately it's down to you as I said - I can however tell you the story of someone dear to me who made the decision to leave a man who was and is intellectually not as capable as her - half a decade later neither are married and both regret the decision to a degree and wished they'd manage to realsie the grass is not any greener the other side of the fence.....
I was talking more of romantic activities for a Muslim husband and wife. Obviously the things they can do is limited by Islam; so their deen will remain part of their lives.
Once you referred to Islam, I assumed you meant an activity regarding Islam e.g. reading it - which I do not personally deem as an appropriate form of activity in the context I was speaking of.
By doing something else, I did not mean drop their deen for whatever they choose to do. I meant that just try something else other than live in a quiet house. Doing an activity like im expressing, is not un-Islamic so i dont think 'Islam' as a general aspect is relevant to this.
It should be there anyway..so it's not what im talking about
yes which is why i said listen to the lecture and u will see all the beautiful fun and islamic activites that Muhammad salallahhu alleyhi wa salam used to do with his wives masha Allah :)
It would be particularly helpful if my divorced sisters could advise me on this as they are on the "other side" so to speak, I was hoping they could give an insight into how life is after divorce especially if you have children and how hard/easy it is to find a decent, genuine life partner, as I don't want to leave him and then regret it for the rest of my life or be left on my own.
Assalamu'alaikum wr wb sis,
I am divorced sis but I dont have any children. To be perfectly honest, a few sisters have tried to matchmake but the divorce has always been an issue. I dont want to make it sound like all brothers feel the same way about it but my experience has led me to decide that I do not want to remarry.
I know its very easy for me to sit here and give you advice on what to do. Ultimately it is your decision. You have to decide what is best for you, your child and your husband. Please dont be hasty.
If you need any help, give me a shout.
Your sister in Islam
ummbilal
01-01-07, 06:39 PM
I hope that you will be able to spare a few minutes for your sister in Islam inshallah and give me some sound advice.
I am 29 yrs old with a small child and I have been married for the last 6 yrs but have been unhappy. The problem is that there is a big difference btw our mental levels, he is not really clever or 'sharp' but a wonderful human being. He is caring and understanding and doesn't demand much from me, just that I love him unconditionally. His English is not very good as he is from Pakistan and he works in Security. I am on the other hand British born and bred, I have a degree in Computer Science and I work as an executive for a local govt dept. I am now at the crucial stage where I have to make a decision to either accept him and stay or leave him in hope of finding someone more suitable.
It would be particularly helpful if my divorced sisters could advise me on this as they are on the "other side" so to speak, I was hoping they could give an insight into how life is after divorce especially if you have children and how hard/easy it is to find a decent, genuine life partner, as I don't want to leave him and then regret it for the rest of my life or be left on my own.
May Allah bless you all and make it easy for you inshallah, May He shower you with true happiness and contentment in this life and the hereafter (Ameen).
you say your husband is a wonderful human being, so why has divorce come into your mind??
seek refuge in Allah and try to please your husband, he is your ticket to jannah, remember a woman who demands divorce without valid reason will not even smell jannah.
do not think that because you have a degree you are better than your husband, Allah doesnt look at our educational qualifications He looks at our hearts and deeds. mashallah
be grateful for the husband you have and try to humble yourself, teach your husband english and spend time talking and chatting with him, working in security is long hours and a boring job encourage him to make dikka while he works to benefit from the time spent otherwise idol.
Your husband is the father of your child and the man YOU chose to marry, do not be tempted by this test to fall into a deep and awful sin sister,
i'll remember you in my duas inshaallah.
I know sisters who were severly beaten by their husbands or neglected or treated cruelly and not loved at all who hessitated for many years before even contemplating divorce.
the fact your husband doesnt speak english well or understand your high brow conversation is not a reason for divorce at all, and Allahu alam.
SubhanAllah I could never imagine or understand how the sister is feeling as I am not in her situation, may Allah (SWT) make things easy for her and reward her for the pain and anguish that she is going through.
However, after reading her post and many of the replies given, its made me realise that certain things will always be more important to some people, and certain things will be less important for others. And this is the way man is, and this is way things are. You will find people looking at others who have something that they dont and vice versa. And sometimes those people will not even realise that they have it, but if it were to be taken away from them, only then would they realise it. So the point I am trying to make is, sisters are in marriages where the husband is not practising enough, and that is what they want. Or they are in a marriage where there is not enough income, and that is what they want. And people may look at those people and belittle it, thinking that it is not that big a deal. But if those people had that deficiency, how would they feel?
If that sister is finding herself lookign down upon her husband and not finding him to be her level, then I would say that it quite a sad and serious issue. I have always been advised by people and seen from my own eyes that there needs to be an intellectual match to a certain level in order that the two individuals click. I have seen disrespect between spouses where the 'more educated, intelligent one' can be somewhat more domineering, proud and look down on the other. And this is more serious if it is the woman as the man is the leader and has a greater status in the marriage. I would not say that divorce is the first step at all in this situation, most definitely the last. I would advise the sister to take every single step that she can in order to save her marriage and change her feelings and situation. Yes she has a child and it is going to affect him, but if she will be so distracted and disturbed because of her marriage, the child could suffer anyway. Children are very sensitive to such things and no doubt if there is tension in the air, they will feel it.
Make dua to Allah (SWT) that he increases you in love for your husband and removes these ill feelings that you have towards him. Yes your situation is one that is difficult, but try and focus on the positive aspects of your life. Make a list of all your husband's good points and all his bad points, then compare them. Once you see things on paper, it makes it clearer in your head. Look at his good points and think, would you exchange them for him having a better education or being a graduate? Because one thing sis that you have said yourself, is that he is a wonderful human being. Surely that in itself is good enough? Also look to yourself to see if there are any bad influences in your life that may be making you think like this. Do you have friends or work colleagues whose company is changing the way you think and so your feelings towards him have changed? Sometimes sitting with individuals who have different goals and ideals in life will change the way you view your life, and without even realising, it affects your behaviour and interactions with the people around you.
Remember sis, "And whomsoever fears Allah and keeps his duty to Him, he will make a way for him to get out of every difficulty." (Surah Talaq :2)
And Allah knows best...
ummbilal
01-01-07, 08:09 PM
hadith regarding women and their husbands
1) Narrated Ibn 'Abbas: The Prophet said: "I was shown the hell-fire and that the majority of its dwellers were women who were ungrateful." It was asked, "Do they disbelieve in Allah?" (or are they ungrateful to Allah?) He replied, "They are ungrateful to their husbands and are ungrateful for the favors and the good (charitable deeds) done to them. If you have always been good (benevolent) to one of them and then she sees something in you (not of her liking), she will say, 'I have never received any good from you." (Book #2, Hadith #28)
when u find a fault try and remember the good in your spouse and work to keep your marrige alive inshaallah
rida786
01-01-07, 09:31 PM
Chain, this is right. But the thing that gets my attention more is that, here we have a successful woman, who is intelligent and has ambitious goals in life in every aspect. Yet after six years of marriage, and with a child, she wants divorce for this reason?
If he was abuse or unkind to her, then that's understandable. But it's rather ironic that she of all people is divorcing him for a lack of intelligence - I mean no offense when I say that, but..why exactly did she marry him, and why wait so long into a family's life to bring this up?
There are alot more questions for her, than for him. And that speaks volumes about your situation sister.
Kal El, I think you missed the part where I told you exactly why and how I married him and why we are still together after 6 yrs......please go back and read it and all your questions will be answered. I did not wait this long to bring this up, this has been an issue for the last 4 yrs, I have been trying to MAKE IT WORK, leaving him right at the beginning would have been the easy way out, plus my family are very conservative and divorce is looked at very unfavourably....therefore I tried and tried.......What does THAT tell you about me sister? Don't mind me saying but you really should get your facts right before passing a judgement on someone. Thank you Chain and Aly Khan for understanding.
cl@rity
01-01-07, 09:33 PM
Salam,
Having gone through the various replies to the sister’s dilemma, I think most people are unable to understand her dilemma, I am facing the same predicament she is. I live in a foreign country and got married to a girl from Pakistan, I unfortunately did not take time out to get to know her too well, and I simply left the decision to my parents. We were in separate countries during the engagement period and our interaction would only be online, and that too for a few minutes. The first few days of married life were good, as we were caught up with dinners and functions, however on our honeymoon I realized that I had nothing to speak to her about. We were on very different wavelengths, and even simple communication was a problem, not because of the language barrier but due to different perceptions. We could not have a simple conversation without one of us misunderstanding the other. In addition to that we had nothing to talk about, as both our interests were very different, she was more into ladies clothes and movies. I on the other hand was interested in very many different things, which she had neither interest in, nor the intellectual capacity to have a conversation on anything. Soon we had nothing to say to each other, and I started going into my shell. We have however over the past 2 n half years of marriage tried to make things work, she harder then I have, however things have not changed. We sit there in silence, and I am very put off her, to the point that for the last 2 years I am put off her physically, as I need to be attracted to someone’s mind first. We also have not had a child, as to be honest I couldn’t see myself having a child when I was not too sure about the person. She is a nice girl, however there is more to married life then that, isn’t your partner supposed to be someone who adds value to your life? R they not supposed to help you grow as a person? R they also not meant to make you a better person and be a friend? It’s very lonely not having anyone to talk to, to share your thoughts, dreams aspirations with. I think the sister is facing the same dilemma as I m…and I can understand her sentiments. I am also thinking of divorce, as it would be better then the lives we r both living, am I wrong in wanting a divorce like the sister?
Brother khan...thats wht women do..talk abt clothes and some who woch movies, talk abt them too. :D
cl@rity
01-01-07, 09:35 PM
sis rida plzplz plz think abt this more and more. divorce is not the answer.
outlandish
02-01-07, 11:15 AM
assalamulaikom
I have seen a few cases where one of the spouses was more educated than the other and they had a problem communicating or rather one of them would feel complexed about this. It does affect marriages to the point where they dont feel happy. Marriage is just a compromise to them. Well some just accept the situation but some dont and wish for real happiness. Is that wrong to demand or something bad to demand?So I dont understand why people are like looking down upon her.
But I must say divorce is a big thing as well, and especially when u have a child. This life is just a test and one cannot expect to live happily ever after here,since Allah does test us in various ways. So do u want total happiness here or look for the hereafter and be happy and content with what Allah gives u?
assalamulaikom
I have seen a few cases where one of the spouses was more educated than the other and they had a problem communicating or rather one of them would feel complexed about this. It does affect marriages to the point where they dont feel happy. Marriage is just a compromise to them. Well some just accept the situation but some dont and wish for real happiness. Is that wrong to demand or something bad to demand?So I dont understand why people are like looking down upon her.
But I must say divorce is a big thing as well, and especially when u have a child. This life is just a test and one cannot expect to live happily ever after here,since Allah does test us in various ways. So do u want total happiness here or look for the hereafter and be happy and content with what Allah gives u?
i agree with you and chained water, i dont think her reasons for being unhappy are silly, i guess most of the people saying this either have the perfect husband or are unmarried so have no idea. :rolleyes:
She's assuming that a divorce would make her life happier. It could.
One person said a truth; divorcees are now-days less likely to remarry again. So if she is hoping to find another husband; then she should be aware that she might not find one at all and thus live out her life as a single mother.
Maybe she would be happy like that? Up for her to decide..
But often when people want drastic actions; they rarely think of the consequences of the actions, not to other people, but to themselves aswell.
Aly Khan
02-01-07, 04:54 PM
Brother khan...thats wht women do..talk abt clothes and some who woch movies, talk abt them too. :D
Interesting point you rasied there, however i think there is more to life then talking about movies and clothes, is that all there is to life? I like to think so, can u imagine being with someone with whom you have nothing to talk about other then clothes or movies? Wouldn't you want to be with somone who adds atleast 'some' value to your life and helps you grow as a person? Don't you want to come home and have a partner with whom you can have a conversation? There are certain situations in life whereby things don't work, you try and try and try again untill you come to a point where you can't anymore. What do you do? Do u keep being in a situation where there is NO satisfaction..contentment...peace of mind or affection? I know we are not in this world for a 'good time' and its about devotion to Allah, but i also think Allah wanted us to have spouses who give us some satisfaction, marraige is not supposed to be a punishment, its supposed to be somthing which gives us stability...and direction in life..or some sembelnce of it. I am not living in utopia whereby i think married life is all about fun and games and a walk in the park, and i'm sure sister Rida thinks the same way, all we want is to be with a partner that gives us some contentment.
Aly Khan
02-01-07, 04:55 PM
Brother khan...thats wht women do..talk abt clothes and some who woch movies, talk abt them too. :D
Interesting point you rasied there, however i think there is more to life then talking about movies and clothes, is that all there is to life? I like to think so, can u imagine being with someone with whom you have nothing to talk about other then clothes or movies? Wouldn't you want to be with somone who adds atleast 'some' value to your life and helps you grow as a person? Don't you want to come home and have a partner with whom you can have a conversation? There are certain situations in life whereby things don't work, you try and try and try again untill you come to a point where you can't anymore. What do you do? Do u keep being in a situation where there is NO satisfaction..contentment...peace of mind or affection? I know we are not in this world for a 'good time' and its about devotion to Allah, but i also think Allah wanted us to have spouses who give us some satisfaction, marraige is not supposed to be a punishment, its supposed to be somthing which gives us stability...and direction in life..or some sembelance of it. I am not living in utopia whereby i think married life is all about fun and games and a walk in the park, and i'm sure sister Rida thinks the same way, all we want is to be with a partner that gives us some contentment.
i agree with you and chained water, i dont think her reasons for being unhappy are silly, i guess most of the people saying this either have the perfect husband or are unmarried so have no idea. :rolleyes:
i dont see any post here who have called the sisters feelings silly at all, if they have used such a word its completely innapropriate, from what i have read all have understood her pain, but can see far more pain for her living without a husband at all, for her and her child, but at the end of the day,the sister has to decide would she rather have no husband at all and deny her child growing up, living with, and knowing its father,and perhaps loose custody of that child if she divorces him and remarries later, and perhaps risk not going to jannah for not having a good enough reason to divorce him, And Allah knows best.
so would she prefer to stay with a husband who loves her provides for her, cares for her, but isnt particularly intellectual,or be alone struggling to raise her child, only she can decide at the end of the day what is best for her, and shaitan loves to see the family break up and a husband and wife divorce for it can cause so much chaos in the family and general society, so we as muslims dont encourage that,but we do understand our sisters pain,we are one ummah we all feel the pain of each other, and i for one only sought to give her another perspective, as she did ask for that, and i hope insha Allah ta ala she has done as Allah ta ala has said in the Quran and bring a party from each side, and sit down and discuss all this and try to find a solution, before seeking the khula. ( divorce asked for by a woman)
ummbilal
02-01-07, 10:21 PM
i agree with you and chained water, i dont think her reasons for being unhappy are silly, i guess most of the people saying this either have the perfect husband or are unmarried so have no idea. :rolleyes:
mashallah noone has a perfect husband, this is dunya nothing is perfect, but marriage cannot be given up on with out a good reason, a marriage needs work sometimes lots of work to be happy and sucessful.
Khubaib
03-01-07, 05:51 AM
I wanted to add my opinion to this and it is the same as some of the brothers and sisters who have posted already. Since I do not have proper knowledge to tell you about whether or not your reasons for seeking divorce are valid I will just give you this naseehah: Marriage is an ibadah and a path to jannah if done correctly. Your spouse in this life is a means to attain the blessing and hasanat from Allah az wa jal. If your husband is not ambitious in seeking a better career it may be this is a good quality because he is not overly-concerned with acquiring wealth in this life inshallah. You should actually be encouraging him and yourself to be ambitious not in the working for comforts in this life, but Islamic work for Allah's sake. Also, Allah gives different people different qualities and strengths. His love of you and the child may be greater in the sight of Allah than the sharp mind you seek.
Perhaps some of the learned brothers and sisters on this site or an Imam will assist you further, but from what you have posted your intentions are incorrect.
Supernova Nebula
03-01-07, 06:28 AM
Not sure if this is sound though, and I dont mean this to be an advice and i know it's always easier said than done. I've never been married myself but been hearing people's experience - good and bad, and usually the bad ones make me scared to get married:S, like this one.
Perhaps our view of marriage changes over time, as we get older and mature. Some people told me no matter how high your intellect is, but you will not discuss about American foreign policy and how to solve the problem of the ummah and the like with your partner all the time.
Every one has expectations and standards I know. If you dont get a wife/husband whose intellectual capacity is not compatible with you, perhaps you can channel it in other ways and if youre a husband then u have more freedom to hang out with your fellow brothers who have the same intellectual capacity as yours to discuss whatever issues you like, like, a forum like this maybe:D. I think it's too much to divorce your partner just because his/her intellectual capacity is not as compatible as yours...perhaps you can find good things that you can appreciate more in your partner, and perhaps that good things that you see small is actually very important.
I think problem like this occur mostly perhaps due to the environment one lives in. In an environment where competition, in other words, "who is better, who is the best of all" is the order of the day, one tends to get frustrated seing other people's partner having something that his/her partner doesnt have. It could be qualifications, profession, material posessions, beauty, intellectual capacity etc. then you tend to compare your partner with others.
And perhaps one should have some priority in mind. Some people are high in their intellectual capacity but are bad husband/father/wife/mother. And to have good husband/wife and good father/mother to your children is more important than the former. I maybe wrong. Allahu a'lam.
In Russia there's a saying that goes something like this:
"The dumber the rooster, the happier the hen."
In other words, males who aren't distracted by intellectual pursuits direct their energies in ways that please their wives.
But in this particular marriage, there doesn't seem to be any passion of any kind -- intellectual, sexual, religious, or otherwise.
If we are to accept facts as stated by the wife, the husband isn't exactly an ardent Muslim. He just sorta does the bare minimum. A "cultural Muslim" at best. It doesn't sound as though he's going to serve as a great example of Muslim piety for the child.
He sounds like a very passive man.
Leena_Cnd
05-01-07, 09:27 AM
I have been depressed for the last 1 and half years
Depression has a lot to do with our perception/moods.
Try not to make any radical decisions while being in a depressed mood.
Although silence can be deafening . . .
good conversation is NOT a marriage cure.
( there is family I know where the husband is deaf, and the wife
hasn't taken the time to learn sign language fully,
yet they do indeed have a blessed marriage/childeren)
Loyalty and deen is what keeps a marriage :up:
There is no substitute for loyalty and deen.
If I had to make a choice between loyalty and deen OR having a lengthy
intertaining repport, I would still choose loyalty and deen.
.
I lose my temper quite quickly and am not a very patient person
Depression can give symptoms of anxiety, and impatience.
Just remember, you two DO have intrests and lot in common,
#1 your wonderful baby and #2 Allah's (swt) guidance.
.
.
Supernova Nebula
06-01-07, 01:54 AM
Depression has a lot to do with our perception/moods.
Try not to make any radical decisions while being in a depressed mood.
Although silence can be deafening . . .
good conversation is NOT a marriage cure.
( there is family I know where the husband is deaf, and the wife
hasn't taken the time to learn sign language fully,
yet they do indeed have a blessed marriage/childeren)
Loyalty and deen is what keeps a marriage :up:
There is no substitute for loyalty and deen.
If I had to make a choice between loyalty and deen OR having a lengthy
intertaining repport, I would still choose loyalty and deen.
.
Depression can give symptoms of anxiety, and impatience.
Just remember, you two DO have intrests and lot in common,
#1 your wonderful baby and #2 Allah's (swt) guidance.
.
.
MashaaAllah, Lee, very very very well said:D:up:
rida786
07-01-07, 06:53 PM
Assalam-aly-kum dear brothers and sisters,
Jazakallah Khair for your advice, May Allah (SWT) bless you all for your good intentions (Ameen). There was most definitely varying responses to my dilemma, and I thank those who were non-judgemental, objective and incorportated the Islamic perspective in advising me, which is the way it should be. However, for those who deemed my situation as "silly" or "insignificant" or resorted to comments that were clearly very judgmental, clearly they have no idea of the issues surrounding a marriage of this nature.
Islamically aswell, one must not be judgemental of another person until and unless he/she is fully aware of the whole situation, sadly some of my fellow muslims have forgotten this and have been very quick to judge.
The husband does not need to beat the wife up or suppress her in order for the wife to be unhappy and unfulfilled, there are several other aspects of a relationship that are equally important that can lead to one's unhappiness and unfulfillment. I think those who are or have been in this situation can truly appreciate this. Compatibility is an essential ingredient of marriage, especially in terms of intellectual compatibility, as it is much easier to relate to that person and build a "bond". However, having said that intellectual compatibility is not the be all and end all, character, deen, loyalty and sincerity are equally important.
However, it is sad when two partners are not compatible......this is where compromise comes into the picture. I have been compromising for the last 6 years because I saw that my husband is loyal, sincere and a good person and that is why I am still in this marriage and have a baby as well......I have always wanted my marriage to work, and have really tried, but it just hasn't worked, we have not been able to build that "bond" between us. My husband is well aware of this and has also tried, but there are some aspects of his personality that he cannot change and other issues that are changeable such as improving his English, he has tried but has never been really very interested in improving his English skills and therefore did not try as hard as he could.
Divorce is definitely not the first step for me but the last resort......after 6 years of unhappiness and unfulfillment, I am tired of being the breadwinner, of taking charge and leading in everything, I would want him to be more proactive, more aware, take more initiative, be it in improving his deen or improving his English. Am I wrong in wanting this? Islamically aswell, the husband is supposed to be the one who takes the lead, protects and maintains, is supposed to be the "head of the household" then why are my intentions labelled as being "incorrect"? I wouldn't mind giving up my job and becoming a housewife, looking after my home and family but my husband must fulfill his role for me to do that.
Brother Aly, I think you are in a much better situation than me as most of the issues that I've talked about here do not apply to you. I would also urge you to look at the positive things in your wife, has she been a caring and sincere wife? Is she understanding and patient? If you re-marry someone who is perhaps on the same intellectual level as yourself, she may not be as tolerant, obedient and understanding as your wife is, will you be able to accept that? Divorce is not a light matter, especially for women, being a divorcee is still a stigma in our society. Therefore don't be hasty and fear Allah in making a decision, as your decision could ruin the rest of her life. May Allah guide you and instill love and mercy between you and your wife inshallah(Ameen). Please also remember me in your duas.
Wassalam
At the time when I married him I did not know how clever he is as he was living in Pakistan and I only met him when we used to go over there on holiday, and during that time as well we would not spend much time together as per our Islamic culture. We had an arranged marriage and it was only after I got married and spend about a year or so with him that I got to know him. Since the last 4 years I have been thinking of leaving him but have not left him because my family have always told me that I would regret it later on and may end up either on my own or someone worse. I've always listened to their advice and tried to make it work, but unfortunately have not been successful. That is why after 6 yrs of marriage we didn't have a baby until just recently......in the attempt to improve our relationship. But even after having the baby, I still feel the same.
His intellect is a problem as it does hinder my ability to have a good conversation with him and especially in situations where there is a problem, I usually come up with the solution (I don't wanna sound big-headed or anything but this is the truth). Also, he is not a sharp person and gets absent-minded which is very annoying in day to day life. In terms of his career prospects, he is not an ambitious guy as it is, but due to his education being from Pakistan and his English Skills being poor, there is little chance of progressing into a more professional field. On the other hand, I've always been ambitious and by nature I am an observant and sharp person.
I really am not looking down on him or boasting my qualities, I am just being honest so that anyone reading this gets the whole picture before advising me. I do have alot of weaknesses as well, the biggest being that I lose my temper quite quickly and am not a very patient person. He on the other hand he is very cool-tempered and patient.
After getting a deeper insight into my life please do advise me......I have been depressed for the last 1 and half years and am relying on my Muslim brothers and sisters to help me out, and I stress again especially my Muslim divorced sisters with children, who can provide valuable advice to me in this situation. If you don't want to reply openly in the forum you can send a private message, in order to protect your privacy.
Jazakhallah Khair
asalaamu alaykum, I must admit that I didn't read all of the responses here but I have to ask you, have you spoken to him about how you feel? I mean it's hardly fair to the brother for you to be here discussing this with us if he has no idea how you feel.
At the same time, you are married to the man. He needs to know what you need in order for him to be able to make you happy. Give the brother a chance and talk to him...honestly and without reservation.
I am not going to say stay because of the child. It's better to divorce then to raise a child in a home full of tension, pain and deceipt and if you don't love him, can never love him, then you are creating an atmosphere of deceipt. I am saying to open communication with the brother and be honest without being hurtful. Examine closely why you feel the need to leave him and don't make rash decisions
rida786
08-01-07, 01:50 PM
asalaamu alaykum, I must admit that I didn't read all of the responses here but I have to ask you, have you spoken to him about how you feel? I mean it's hardly fair to the brother for you to be here discussing this with us if he has no idea how you feel.
At the same time, you are married to the man. He needs to know what you need in order for him to be able to make you happy. Give the brother a chance and talk to him...honestly and without reservation.
I am not going to say stay because of the child. It's better to divorce then to raise a child in a home full of tension, pain and deceipt and if you don't love him, can never love him, then you are creating an atmosphere of deceipt. I am saying to open communication with the brother and be honest without being hurtful. Examine closely why you feel the need to leave him and don't make rash decisions
Assalam-aly-kum,
As I explained in my earlier post, he is well aware of my feelings as I have always been completely honest with him, therefore there is no question of deceit. You have said that if I don't love him or can never love him I am creating an atmosphere of deceit, it is that 'love' that we have been trying to bring to this marriage, to create that "bond", like I explained earlier, we have both tried but have not been successful. That is why divorce has cropped up in my mind time and again, a fact that he is aware of, simply because I do not want to create such an atmosphere, I am not that kind of person, from the beginning I have always been very honest and open, but up until now we both thought we could make it work.
umme ahmed
08-01-07, 02:00 PM
Allah Ta'ala has the heart of every person between His fingers, He can turn it as He pleases, so ask Allah Ta'ala with humility and sincerity to change the heart of your husband and increase the love respect and friendship between you both. Allah Ta'ala is sufficient for your needs :)
ghanamuslima
20-02-07, 05:56 PM
he sounds like he's good man, Allah has blessed you with this good man. lots of sisters are in terrible marriages. suffering physical abuse and so on please stay in your marriage make dua ask Allah to grant you the ability to love this man.:)
.: hayat :.
22-02-07, 03:09 PM
I hope that you will be able to spare a few minutes for your sister in Islam inshallah and give me some sound advice.
I am 29 yrs old with a small child and I have been married for the last 6 yrs but have been unhappy. The problem is that there is a big difference btw our mental levels, he is not really clever or 'sharp' but a wonderful human being. He is caring and understanding and doesn't demand much from me, just that I love him unconditionally. His English is not very good as he is from Pakistan and he works in Security. I am on the other hand British born and bred, I have a degree in Computer Science and I work as an executive for a local govt dept. I am now at the crucial stage where I have to make a decision to either accept him and stay or leave him in hope of finding someone more suitable.
It would be particularly helpful if my divorced sisters could advise me on this as they are on the "other side" so to speak, I was hoping they could give an insight into how life is after divorce especially if you have children and how hard/easy it is to find a decent, genuine life partner, as I don't want to leave him and then regret it for the rest of my life or be left on my own.
May Allah bless you all and make it easy for you inshallah, May He shower you with true happiness and contentment in this life and the hereafter (Ameen).
i see no reason to leave him after u married him and have a child cuse he is not clever..Allah swt knows how clever is him..and as u know every bad quality is followed by a good one and we must consider good parts..cuse him is a wonderful human being this is not a very good reason to be with...would u wanna a clever one tu put u at ur place,to tell u shut-up cuse u say stupid things in his opinion?u r not happy living a peaceful life?but i cannot decide in ur place..huh...i had such an experience and left him..and i did best for me...but u,u have a kind and u must think good at wht u wanna...may Allah swt help u..ameen
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