marriage problem

[London]

Salam All

I want some advice on my marriage i have been married 13 years now but my wife does not stay with me she keeps leaving and going back to her mothers hpuse this has been going on for many years. she stays more time in her mothers house than mine she says she wants to leave seperate but i am not agreeing with it .

please help what shall i do i have two children with her , i am fed up and hurt she does not listen to me , i was in saudi when i married her she made me leave my job and return home ever since then i have been unhappy.

i am alone in this battle what shall i do she is ruining my life and my kids coz when she goes to her mums she takes the kids with her and they are missing school
please help

[bint]

what kind of a mother is she?

does she know..

oh forget it

~leaves thread~

cant do much sorry..not from me..i wudnt know how to advise on this.:o

[MMS]

she must have a reason?

[Ebony]

Have you found out why she keeps going back to her mothers as often as she does?

You say she wants to separate - have you discovered the reason for this?

[puella]

bro i think u should go to your local imam or a scholar inshaAllah

[bint]

bro i think u should go to your local imam or a scholar inshaAllah
agreed:up:

[Ebony]

In the real world these imams and scholars would be contactable/approachable.

How many of you go to an Imam/scholar for a problem? :rolleyes: I dont know of any who when in a quandry go :idea: lets ask the mullah

[bint]

In the real world these imams and scholars would be contactable/approachable.

How many of you go to an Imam/scholar for a problem? :rolleyes: I dont know of any who when in a quandry go :idea: lets ask the mullah


i do..seriously i go to a scholar..:up:

[Sierra1]

There are two reasons as to why problems or mistakes happen. It's either a fundamental problem or a temporary lapse in judgment. Something that keeps happening over and over again indicates that there is a fundamental problem that needs to be addressed.

Take a step back, try and figure out what are “YOU” doing wrong?? Don’t let your ego get the best of you scrutinize yourself. Then see, why does your wife keep doing that?? Why is she risking her children’s education?? What is she trying to achieve by doing this, what does she want from you?? Speaking to a marriage counselor might not be such a bad idea.

You said she wants to “leave separate.” Separate from you, or separate from some family members that might be living with you?? If it’s you she wants to live, then brother you are in trouble, Step one, should be praying to Allah and giving sadaqah. Step two, would be to reason with her and identifying some sort of common ground and then working your way from there. At all times keep your temper in control. A little bit of love and affection helps as well. Let us know how it goes.

[London]

Salam

Thanks for your kind words

well i have spoken to her many times about it and she says she wants to live sepreate in her own house not in a joint family but i am saying she should live toghter and try abd make it work as i feel she also does not make the effort.

also her elder sister and told me not to listen to her deman about wanting to live seperate as she will not change and still be the same,
They same to me that this will be the biggest mistake of my life if i move out with her.

i love her very much but she does not show any emotion to me at all.i dont know what to do,i also feel she will not change her ways and she will continue to go back to her mothers place even when we will alone. people say her charecter is not right i dont know what to do , i cant cope any more.

[MG]

Salam

Thanks for your kind words

well i have spoken to her many times about it and she says she wants to live sepreate in her own house not in a joint family but i am saying she should live toghter and try abd make it work as i feel she also does not make the effort.

also her elder sister and told me not to listen to her deman about wanting to live seperate as she will not change and still be the same,
They same to me that this will be the biggest mistake of my life if i move out with her.

i love her very much but she does not show any emotion to me at all.i dont know what to do,i also feel she will not change her ways and she will continue to go back to her mothers place even when we will alone. people say her charecter is not right i dont know what to do , i cant cope any more.

u have been married for 13 years, i assume she has been living with the joint family for this time, dont u think she as given it a try? ok she keeps moving it out but she still comes back to that home

maybe u should consider moving out and giving your marriage a chance, please dont make the ,mistake of listening to others i.e her elder sister or whoever else, they are not living your marriage and personally her elder sister seems jealous from what she is saying to u.

Think for yourself , u cant sit back and think "well if i move out with her she will be impossible to live with" u dontn know the future.
Do isthikhara on wether u should both move out or not? and dont talk to family members about yourproblems cos they mostly jsu make things worse unfortuntaley.

As everyone said Speak to a scholar-BOTH of u TOGETHER

[imeg.org]

In the Name of Allâh, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful
As Salaam-u-Alaikum

dont listen to older sister.. she might ruain your both lives...

you should ask her why she want to live seprate, maybe someone in house giving her lots of problem and she just want to get out of problem.. she been trying this for 13 years.. if she did'nt wanted to be with you.. she could have left you long time ago and talk to her.. you know she might even change after moving to seprate house, but you have to talk and communicate. you have to ask whats bothering her and whats hurting her..
i dont think she likes doing this, but she is getting hurt alot and she keep telling you but you seem to ignore it, maybe thats the case... im not sure, but in order to find out whats "really" going on, she has to talk to and explain what she want and why...

brother, try to think from her side and put yourself in her position and see what kind of feelings she is getting thorugh..

dont listen to your relatives and her older sister... they would want you two to be seprate and you know somthing, her older sister might be telling her too.. "oh leave him, he is good for nothing".. so please becareful who you ask for advice.. listen to everyone, but do whats right thing, dont let other destroy your marriage...

Wa Salaam-Alaikum

[Kal-El]

I doubt she knows how serious you feel about this if you are truly considering divorce; you gotta let her know how this is affecting you, and that you can't go on like this.

[.: Anna :.]

if live separate means living separately from ur family or other ppl are u aware that this is actally her right in Islam. It is not an unreasonable demand and if you have the means to provide separate accomodation which she is asking for, but you do not, then that is sinful on ur part.

[`asiya]

Salam All

I want some advice on my marriage i have been married 13 years now but my wife does not stay with me she keeps leaving and going back to her mothers hpuse this has been going on for many years. she stays more time in her mothers house than mine she says she wants to leave seperate but i am not agreeing with it .

please help what shall i do i have two children with her , i am fed up and hurt she does not listen to me , i was in saudi when i married her she made me leave my job and return home ever since then i have been unhappy.

i am alone in this battle what shall i do she is ruining my life and my kids coz when she goes to her mums she takes the kids with her and they are missing school
please help

your wife should obey you, and she should not be leaving the house to stay anywhere else without your permission, if u dont give permission for her to stay at her mothers then she shouldnt go there, and its worse if the children are suffering by missing school, which is so important for them. this is a very sad situation her place is with you in her husbands home, and not with her mother, she cannot live seperately from her husband, her place is with you. you are her amir, the amir of the familly, and its very bad for the kids to be moved around and have no routine or security, and no father around .

I see u are in london and i can give you the name and number of an Islamic scolar who can advise you insha Allah ta ala, and perhaps sit down with both of you to discuss the situation insha Allah she can be reminded with the Ayats of Allah ta ala and the saihih hadith of the prophet salallahu alleyhi wa salam,We should do as Allah ta ala orders in the Quran, and bring a party from each side to discuss and see if a way forward can be found insha Allah, so she can bring her walli who married her to you, and you can bring someone knowledgeable about Islam of your choosing, perhaps u can also remind her that the prophet salallahu alleyhi wa salam said that " any woman who asks for khula without a valid reason will not smell the fragrance of jannah " ...thats something to really think about. we should always return to the Quran and sahih sunnah on all islamic matters insha Allah.

[Ebony]

Salam

Thanks for your kind words

well i have spoken to her many times about it and she says she wants to live sepreate in her own house not in a joint family but i am saying she should live toghter and try abd make it work as i feel she also does not make the effort.

also her elder sister and told me not to listen to her deman about wanting to live seperate as she will not change and still be the same,
They same to me that this will be the biggest mistake of my life if i move out with her.

i love her very much but she does not show any emotion to me at all.i dont know what to do,i also feel she will not change her ways and she will continue to go back to her mothers place even when we will alone. people say her charecter is not right i dont know what to do , i cant cope any more.

You have to weigh up what matters to you more:

Your marriage - which can be given another go by complying with her request of separate lodgings as 13years is a long time to be putting up with something. But she has done however she may not be able to anymore and so has made this known to you.

The opinion of other people. Despite what others say, and how well intentioned their advice maybe, you won't know what may come of the above arrangement if you don't try it. You wont know if she'll still spend masses of time at her mothers even when she has her separate home. At the moment it would seem, from what you have told us, she spends time there to get away from the house and the people in it.

If you can't afford to move out - thats a different situation but would still need to be addressed. Think it over properly.

[London]

Salam

U see the other problem was just after we got married about a year later she left home for three years after a lot of requests she came back.

ever since then it has been trouble, u r all right about not listening to her sister i will not do that.

Asiya sister please if i could have the name and details of the shcolar thanks for that.

i have always tried to talk to her tried to get to thr route of the problem but no luck

[GothiKa]

women :rolleyes:

[MMS]

it is a husband's obligation to provide his wife with seperate housing

Imam al-Haskafi states in Durr al-Mukhtar:
“It is necessary for the husband to provide the wife with a shelter (home) that is free from his and her family members…. taking into consideration both their economic standings. A separate quarter within the house that has a lock, separate bathroom and kitchen will be [minimally] sufficient.”

[Na'eemah]

it is a husband's obligation to provide his wife with seperate housing

Imam al-Haskafi states in Durr al-Mukhtar:
“It is necessary for the husband to provide the wife with a shelter (home) that is free from his and her family members…. taking into consideration both their economic standings. A separate quarter within the house that has a lock, separate bathroom and kitchen will be [minimally] sufficient.”



Hardly any women get that ^^

[`asiya]

masha Allah but she shouldnt be living seperate from her husband :scratch: its her who is leaving him to go stay with her mother , when her place is in her husbands home, not her mothers...

[MMS]

masha Allah but she shouldnt be living seperate from her husband :scratch: its her who is leaving him to go stay with her mother , when her place is in her husbands home, not her mothers...

he used the words she does not want to live in a 'joint family' i assume he means with in-laws? :scratch:

[nami]

it is a husband's obligation to provide his wife with seperate housing

Imam al-Haskafi states in Durr al-Mukhtar:“It is necessary for the husband to provide the wife with a shelter (home) that is free from his and her family members…. taking into consideration both their economic standings. A separate quarter within the house that has a lock, separate bathroom and kitchen will be [minimally] sufficient.”


so what is a brother to do if he can't give his wife that, should he not get married?

[Al-Saeed Abdi]

so what is a brother to do if he can't give his wife that, should he not get married?No, get a wife with a little compassion, one who can show discretion when required.

Ma'aSalaama

[MMS]

so what is a brother to do if he can't give his wife that, should he not get married?

make sure ur family is lovely to her :D and do not interfere

and if you cant do that either then make sure u marry a very patient person who will understand ur situation and not make such demands

[ummbilal]

Salam All

I want some advice on my marriage i have been married 13 years now but my wife does not stay with me she keeps leaving and going back to her mothers hpuse this has been going on for many years. she stays more time in her mothers house than mine she says she wants to leave seperate but i am not agreeing with it .

please help what shall i do i have two children with her , i am fed up and hurt she does not listen to me , i was in saudi when i married her she made me leave my job and return home ever since then i have been unhappy.

i am alone in this battle what shall i do she is ruining my life and my kids coz when she goes to her mums she takes the kids with her and they are missing school
please help

salaam alakum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuhu

dear brother may Allah make this test esy for u and your family.

firstly, why does she leave you? and then return?
is it something that you do and then promise not to do?

My mother and father had a similar relationship, ie my mother left my father many times and returned, sometimes 3 or 4 times a year.
This messed up my schooling and eventually ended with my mother leaving for good taking 2 of my siblings with her.

this ment we were all caused extreem pain and mental anguish, as my mother didnt keep in touch,

I suggest, you make duas and istikarah

if this woman doesnt love you, let her go and marry someone who will, if she loves u but you treat her unfairly then change your ways.

Inshaallah we will be all guided to the right path.

[MMS]

No, get a wife with a little compassion, one who can show discretion when required.

Ma'aSalaama

i dont think many women will make these demands if in-laws did not make it so difficult for her to live in their home

[nami]

deleted

[`asiya]

deleted

[Sierra1]

Brother, Firstly as per sharia law, she is entitled to a seprate house IF you can afford it. If you have old parents that need you, emotionally and physically, and she looks after them she is doing, you and herself a favour. It's not her responsiblity. Renting a house near to your family's, would be an amicable solution.

A simpler solution still, would be to do istikhara. Ask Allah, (as HE knows best) to solve your problem. You will see your problems disappear InshaAllah.

If you are not doing it, then you and your wife should read the last 4 kuls, Ayat ul Kursi & last two Ayahs of Surah Baqarah three times morning and night. Plus Surah Waqiah & Surah Muzamil every night. Come what may but dont miss your prayers. Satan does not like anything better than to seperate a husband and wife.

Hope my two cents helped.

W'salam

[London]

Salam All

Thanks for the advice , the only other problem i have is i dont earn much money i am in london only for afew months i am to return to Pakistan then and at the moment she has left home and gone back to her mothers home and will jnot return until i come back.

this is my main concern. as a am many miles away from home and when i am back home i am almost hand to mouth thats why i am so worried on what to do, she lies to me has secrets and wont listen to:( me

[bint]

ahem.

[bint]

What kind of advice is that?.. how can you say so easily to divorce someone?...

If you cant give advice in order to resolve situations, dont give advice which will cause disunity and problems.

Its not on..


okay my bad, ill delete it.

[London]

i think there is something else which drives her there ????:(

[bint]

Jazakallahu Khayr, Sorry if i sounded rude.


lol no problem..u were right..i guess i was just gettin to the deep end no worried:up: :D

[ummbilal]

i think as we r only hearing half the story that this thread should be closed, it is not fitting for a Muslim man to discuss his wifes falts in public esspecially when not owning to any of his own

[Omar]

Bro London sorry if this comes accross abit rude but instead of asking here you should ask someone with knowledge. Half of da people here are unmarried and kids. So you wont get a proper answer.

And wht ur askin is summin which is important so u should sit down and think abotu it urself or discuss with family. And then tlak to ur wife about how ur feelings.

[sabiah]

salaam bro....

i know someone who did teh same thing...and the problem was solved after so many years...
the whole problem was the fct that a husand and wife need privacy...a women needs pivacy..to be able to do what and say whatever with her husband without the presence of others and living with in laws sort contracdicts that...thefore thats probably the prblem...

[Ceren]

i think there is something else which drives her there ????:(

:salams

Fear Allah brother, for there's great punishment in the men that slander women.

Now as to your problem...

It's obvious that your wife doesn't get along with whomever she has to live with at your quarters.
Why don't you talk about this? Ask her what makes her feel awkward?
Sharing your house is a huge challenge. And you're now saying that you're leaving to Pakistan... are you going to take her? Are you going to leave her there?

Who do you live with? Your parents?

MAybe it's time that you guys discuss other living arrangements. How about moving to her mom's house? Would that be possible/feasible? How about just moving out of the UK to another country where you can afford to live together?

About going to talk to a scholar.... be very careful. Sheikhs and scholars can be very trained in religion but that doesn't mean that they are trained in psychology and/or marriage counseling. They, unwillingly, can do lots of harm. I have witnessed many divorces because they sheikh said: "She has to do as you say or else..." and then the couple ended up divorced and both miserable.

What do you do for her? Do you guys share time alone together? Do you do fun stuff together?

[Quest]

I rather be alone then unhappy