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Asking about a person’s past
Question:
As-salam wai lai kum,
When helping brothers/sisters to find suitable Muslim partners, what questions can be asked, and what is forbidden to ask ?
Can one ask about their past when they were non-Muslim or not practicing Muslims ?
Can one ask ones wife/sister to describe in detail the appearance of an intended wife or describe in detail to them regarding a brother ?
Was Salam
Answer:
Praise be to Allaah.
If you want to look for a wife for someone, or a husband for a woman, then you can ask him about his wishes, such as the desired age, level of education, employment situation, country and origin and position of the family, and whether he has any preferences about her general appearance, such as skin colour, height, etc. The most important characteristic to ask about is a person’s level of commitment to Islam. This kind of useful question is fine.
But asking for details of a person’s past and wanting to know what sins they might have committed when they were ignorant about Islam – this is not right at all. Allaah covers people’s sins and loves to see them covered (i.e., not dragged out into the open). So long as a person has repented, his sins have been wiped out. Islam deletes whatever came before, so why should we ask questions that will only embarrass people? Allaah accepts people’s repentance without their having to confess or expose their sins to any other person. A number of the Sahaabah had committed adultery and murder repeatedly, or had buried infant girls alive, or stolen things, but when they entered Islam they were the best of people. No one needs to be reminded of a shameful past; it is over and done with, and Allaah is the All-Forgiving, Most Merciful. What matters when considering a person for marriage is how that person is now: is he righteous or not? Has he cut all ties with his past and his wrong deeds, or not? If he is clearly living a good and righteous life now, then it is wrong to dig up the past. If there is any fear of anything that could have future implications, such as certain diseases and so on, then there are medical tests which can give the answer and put your mind at rest.
As far as giving a detailed description of a prospective wife to someone is concerned, this can be done in writing: one of her mahram relatives (i.e. a blood relative to whom marriage is permanently forbidden) or a woman who knows her can write down a description, then a trustworthy person can deliver it to one who is seriously considering a marriage proposal. The Prophet http://www.islam-qa.com/images/saws.gif (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “No woman should describe another woman to her husband as if he can see her.” (Reported by al-Bukhaari, 4839)
The wisdom behind this prohibition is the fact that a husband might like the sound of what he hears, so he may divorce the one who described the other to him, or there may be temptation to do wrong. (Commentary on the above hadeeth in Fath al-Baari).
We ask Allaah to help us all to do that which He loves and will earn His pleasure. May Allaah bless our Prophet Muhammad.
Islam Q&A
Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid
Arsalan
04-12-06, 06:05 PM
Innit though, so true.
mmmmmmmmmmmmmm....*thinking*
Innit though, so true.
alhumdulillah, i think alot of people are torn wetheer they should ask this question to their prospective wife/husband, its natural to want to know but from the above it seems that checking the person's character and their stance on islam and how it is practiced in their life, is enuff to have all the information u need inshallah to come to a decision.
alhumdulillah, i think alot of people are torn wetheer they should ask this question to their prospective wife/husband, its natural to want to know but from the above it seems that checking the person's character and their stance on islam and how it is practiced in their life, is enuff to have all the information u need inshallah to come to a decision.
yeah but one question..
imagine u have athousand suitors..and theres a delicate ssue u need to make them aware of before they marry..then what? u tell em all? until one says yes?
sunrise
04-12-06, 06:12 PM
salam
I totally agree, no matter how much a person says "oh it doesn't matter to me what they did in their past, i'm just curious"...i'm sorry you can say it until your blue in te face you will always remember that you didn't have them first so better not to know.
Also it's islamic ettiquette not to display our sins it's between Allah and ourselves, if Allah (swt) has forgiven them alhamdulilah then what gives us the right to pke about in business that doesn't concern us.
As long as they don't do it anymore then alahmdulilah.
Sunrise
sunrise
04-12-06, 06:13 PM
alhumdulillah, i think alot of people are torn wetheer they should ask this question to their prospective wife/husband, its natural to want to know but from the above it seems that checking the person's character and their stance on islam and how it is practiced in their life, is enuff to have all the information u need inshallah to come to a decision.
defo
yeah but one question..
imagine u have athousand suitors..and theres a delicate ssue u need to make them aware of before they marry..then what? u tell em all? until one says yes?
u mean like if someone has a sexually transmitted disease or sumthing? :rubeyes:
u mean like if someone has a sexually transmitted disease or sumthing? :rubeyes:
well i can mean alot of things u know?
should u tell him?
well i can mean alot of things u know?
should u tell him?
i dont know what u mean sis, ok so if for example she/he has a disease or somthing becos of sleeping aorund previously etc and he/she decides to marry their future wife/hubbie, then i personally think the wife/hubby has a right tio know cos u cant pass it on to them can u or put them in danger like that.
Reminds me of a muslim man i had to interview once, he had HIV and no one in his family knew about it and he felt so alone, he was in tears, and i felt like such a moo-moo trying to do my job and saying "do u have any savings Mr XXX" (part of my job back then) i was jus trying to get his mind of the topic, its very sad
.: Anna :.
04-12-06, 06:22 PM
if someone has a sexually transmitted disease eg HIV, or if they got it thru a needle or something else... they should say because if not they will be harming the person by spreading it. I think they dnt have 2 say how they got it, they could say they dnt want 2 comment on how but they must not hide that they have a disease and it is very infectious and easily spread. Some people may agree to marry them anyway, others might not, but they have to be honest about it.
I listened 2 siraj wahhaj khutba he said this, and totally i agree.
it is not fair 2 keep it secret and then infect that person
It will vary from person to person.
Some people are inquisitive and may want to know about their prospective partners past. What they are hoping to find from it and/or how it may aid them somehow, AllahuAlim, but some prefer to ask as opposed to assume all kinds of things. That is obviously, despite what is recommended, up to the discretion of the 2 parties involved - he/she may ask - the other may/may not answer/respond.
Sometimes ignorance is bliss. If you are content with his/her character, Imaan and adherence to Islam, piety etc then you will also be content that he/she has detailed those things which he/she perceive important/essential for you to know, which would include something as pertinent as HIV.
There's very little point in digging yourself a hole by asking about things that in all honesty make very little difference as to them being "marriage material" (isn't there another term for this? It sounds so teenagey and cheesy :scratch: )
what if the persons past affects the marriage they have?
should she stil tell him~?
no im not talking about a diseases alhamdulillah..
there is so much wisdom behind that ruling, more than we realise
Ibn-e-Muslim
04-12-06, 07:16 PM
iv a question
if Muslim has fornicated n repented later can he/she marry pure muslim/muslimah? or do he/she has to marry sum1 who has sined like em?
iv a question
if Muslim has fornicated n repented later can he/she marry pure muslim/muslimah? or do he/she has to marry sum1 who has sined like em?
i think there is a hadith on this but i dont know where to start looking, inshallah if someone has it please post
Arsalan
04-12-06, 08:54 PM
alhumdulillah, i think alot of people are torn wetheer they should ask this question to their prospective wife/husband, its natural to want to know but from the above it seems that checking the person's character and their stance on islam and how it is practiced in their life, is enuff to have all the information u need inshallah to come to a decision.
Personally i feel it is important to be as honest as you can about your past to reconcile yourselves in such a manner that you develop a BOND, and deeper understanding and trust of your partner.
But something also tells me certain parts of your partenrs past are better left under the slab - especially if you have repented from those (major ) sins , e.g. you slept around , or were a heavey drinker... etc.. You dont need to reveal these sins, once you have ( truly) repented IMHO - even to your partner in marriage. Your slate is clean by Allah swt. So start life afreash. Thinking about the past or having it reminded to you, can be very depressing and can reveal your own weaknesses to a partner who may potentially turn against you or backbit and slander you. God forbid.
Anyhow i dont know the other islamic opinions on this.
[QUOTE=muslim girl;1470457]Asking about a person’s past
Question:
As-salam wai lai kum,
When helping brothers/sisters to find suitable Muslim partners, what questions can be asked, and what is forbidden to ask ?
Can one ask about their past when they were non-Muslim or not practicing Muslims ?
Can one ask ones wife/sister to describe in detail the appearance of an intended wife or describe in detail to them regarding a brother ?
Was Salam
WalaikumAsslam
agree with most of it.. howeveer regarding appearance detail.. i don't thin kso it exists.. its not been mentionedanywhere in the hadith .. is it??? bcos what matters the most is one's religious comitment.. and thats it but detailed description shouldn't b a requirement.. as that will bring up issues related to non-mahram..
Personally i feel it is important to be as honest as you can about your past to reconcile yourselves in such a manner that you develop a BOND, and deeper understanding and trust of your partner.
But something also tells me certain parts of your partenrs past are better left under the slab - especially if you have repented from those (major ) sins , e.g. you slept around , or were a heavey drinker... etc.. You dont need to reveal these sins, once you have ( truly) repented IMHO - even to your partner in marriage. Your slate is clean by Allah swt. So start life afreash. Thinking about the past or having it reminded to you, can be very depressing and can reveal your own weaknesses to a partner who may potentially turn against you or backbit and slander you. God forbid.
Anyhow i dont know the other islamic opinions on this.
yeh i agree, i.e if there are personal questions being asked, they must be relevant to both of your future, if therey not then they shouldnt be asked in the first place.
like sis ebony said, sopme people jus ask allsorts under the guise of "curiosity" and it doesnt help anyone
Ibn-e-Muslim
05-12-06, 06:29 PM
iv a question
if Muslim has fornicated n repented later can he/she marry pure muslim/muslimah? or do he/she has to marry sum1 who has sined like em?
any answers i can get? :scratch:
any answers i can get? :scratch:
sure
http://qa.sunnipath.com/issue_view.asp?HD=7&ID=6616&CATE=3610
:up:
Ibn-e-Muslim
05-12-06, 06:46 PM
:jkk: sis
im copy pasting from that same link above
Question
Assalaamu alaykum, i was a little puzzled when i read a reponse to a sister's query about virginity and whether it was still proper for her to marry a virgin whilst she was not one? The response was that she should think whether she was deserving of one and that a virgin should be for a virgin and a fornicator for a fornicator...however, isn't it true that once you have sincerely repented from the sin from the bottom of your heart, do not go back to committing it that it is as if you had never committed the sin and are as good as a pious person if not above them? Remember the story that al-Ghazzali narrated about the man that was in love with his neighbour's wife, he repented and the cloud ended up shading him instead of the messenger he was walking with under the hot desert sun?
I don't think it's very encouraging to let a person move on with their life in the path of Allah and be told they are not deserving of a virgin because of something they did in the past which they repented for, how does one know in the first place that the other is a virgin or not? I do not wish to let my emotions override, if you could clarify the matter if one is 'deserving' of a virgin or not whilst they may not be in reality, as terrible as the sin is, but have truly repented and are humble before their Lord? Striving in His path. Jazakum Allahu Khairun.
Answer
Walaikum assalam wa rahmatullah,
I pray that this finds you well, and in the best of health and spirits. May Allah grant you all good and success in this life and the next.
The concerns you mention are true, because as the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) said, "The one who repents from sin is like the one who never sinned." Legally--as answers in the SunniPath QA (http://qa.sunnipath.com) explain--someone not known by people as a non-virgin is considered a virgin, and all the rulings apply to them.
And Allah alone gives success.
Faraz Rabbani
if sum1 is known non-virgin among ppl but in real is virgin? :S
what if u marry n find out after marriage he/she was non virgin? shud u stay with him/her or leave?
:jkk: sis
im copy pasting from that same link above
if sum1 is known non-virgin among ppl but in real is virgin? :S
what if u marry n find out after marriage he/she was non virgin? shud u stay with him/her or leave?
if they have repented sincerely than he/she is like a person who has never commited the sin
Ibn-e-Muslim
05-12-06, 07:12 PM
:jkk:
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