some bro
23-10-06, 12:11 AM
salam to you all my fellow brothers and sisters in Islam. Indeed, the Muslim is one and in the words of respected sister Yvonne Ridley, this is the best family in the world.
just like in any family, when a brother or sister needs advice, naturally they turn to their siblings or parents.
as my brothers and sisters in Islam, I would appreciate your words of wisdom on the following dilemma which is bugging me.
i'm in my early twenties. i was born in the indo-pak subcontinent but grew up in the UK. alhamdulillah, Allah has blessed me with high flying academics and now a post graduate student at a top university with very good job prospects. as a young man, i feel the need to marry. alhamdulilah Allah has saved from the typical sins associted with the youth (self gratification/pornography etc), however, i am very, very stressed with the limitations imposed on my by my parents.
i want to marry some one based on few factors:
1) Imaan, Islam and Akhlaaq - some one who is a strong muslim - this is the absolute criteria! there is no compromising in this regard
2) beauty - but not as normally understood. My definition of beauty is that when a husband looks at his wife, he is pleased (this is based on a hadith which I dont know the reference to). Beautiful enough so that I dont get "put off", if you know what I mean.
3) education - although not necessary, this is only for compatibility reasons (kufu') so that we're at the same level of thinking
4) Active in Islamic work - but balanced with family life.
the problem is that my parents initially wanted me to marry back home (subcontinent). In my honest opinion, I do not feel compatible in the least for typical reasons (communication, cultural barier etc).
Now they have changed their minds slightly - they will only allow me to marry some one in UK, who is originally from my country of origin and who is of "noble" lineage (according to their judgement) under two conditions:
1) i have to work and eearn enough money to bring both my grand mothers over to the UK
2) they have to approve and witness the marriage here
these two conditions are not easily fulifilled and need at least 2-3 years, by that time, i will be in my late twenties.
furthermore, they expect me to buy a house of 4-5 bedrooms, which costs around £250K minimum and live with my whole family in one big house.
this is not a problem for me, but I just cant afford it.
at this youthfull age, desires are high and although alhamdulillah, im trying my best to keep them under control, i find it very difficult sometimes and become restless.
I REALLY WANT TO MARRY - and I know a few sisters who are very good Muslimahs ma Shaa Allah, but they are not of the same origin as me. also, there are many more sisters who will fulfil my criterias but they are not of the same origin as me. This is undoubtedly cause problems with my family. I also know many brothers who are older than me, or who run matrimonial services and they can without doubt help me find a muslimah who will meet my criteria. However, my family will object to using these avenues.
Furthermore, having seen how my cousins marriages went recently - i am depressed, deeply depressed!
one of them was HIGHLY critcised by uncles/aunties because
1) he married some one from UK
2) he married some one who who was deemed as "low caste" even though they are both from the same country of origin!!!!
his own family didnt have problems, but the "elders" and my dad had problems!!!
my parents, although ive told them i want to marry within a year; they are NOT looking for me!!!!
they want me to get their mums over here THEN look for me, which would take years
i cannot bear this and i feel like just finding a piuos muslimah and running off just to avoid this stress and burdens.
should I
1) find a wife for my self - regarldess of country of origin or ethinicity
2) marry and move out to a new house of my own
OR
3) bring both my grandmothers over to UK, wait for them to find me a wife, then go with their choice (as long as im okay with it)!
i told my parents i wanted to marry a girl who is not from my country of origin. They played the emotional card and got "upset".
I feel frutrated, depressed, and spend night browing forums looking for answerst to my problems.
this has affected my health, weight and state of mind.
please provide me with sincere advice as the Prophet (SAWS) said "Ad-deenu naseehah" (Religoin is sincere advice) .
Most importantly please make dua for our brothers and sisters in all parts of the world who are suffering what is beyond imagination.
Allahumma unsur al-ikhwaana al-mustadafeena fi kulli makaaan, wa habbib ilaihum al imaan, wa adkhilhum al jannat al firdous bi rahmatika ya rahmaan.
salaamu aliakuk
just like in any family, when a brother or sister needs advice, naturally they turn to their siblings or parents.
as my brothers and sisters in Islam, I would appreciate your words of wisdom on the following dilemma which is bugging me.
i'm in my early twenties. i was born in the indo-pak subcontinent but grew up in the UK. alhamdulillah, Allah has blessed me with high flying academics and now a post graduate student at a top university with very good job prospects. as a young man, i feel the need to marry. alhamdulilah Allah has saved from the typical sins associted with the youth (self gratification/pornography etc), however, i am very, very stressed with the limitations imposed on my by my parents.
i want to marry some one based on few factors:
1) Imaan, Islam and Akhlaaq - some one who is a strong muslim - this is the absolute criteria! there is no compromising in this regard
2) beauty - but not as normally understood. My definition of beauty is that when a husband looks at his wife, he is pleased (this is based on a hadith which I dont know the reference to). Beautiful enough so that I dont get "put off", if you know what I mean.
3) education - although not necessary, this is only for compatibility reasons (kufu') so that we're at the same level of thinking
4) Active in Islamic work - but balanced with family life.
the problem is that my parents initially wanted me to marry back home (subcontinent). In my honest opinion, I do not feel compatible in the least for typical reasons (communication, cultural barier etc).
Now they have changed their minds slightly - they will only allow me to marry some one in UK, who is originally from my country of origin and who is of "noble" lineage (according to their judgement) under two conditions:
1) i have to work and eearn enough money to bring both my grand mothers over to the UK
2) they have to approve and witness the marriage here
these two conditions are not easily fulifilled and need at least 2-3 years, by that time, i will be in my late twenties.
furthermore, they expect me to buy a house of 4-5 bedrooms, which costs around £250K minimum and live with my whole family in one big house.
this is not a problem for me, but I just cant afford it.
at this youthfull age, desires are high and although alhamdulillah, im trying my best to keep them under control, i find it very difficult sometimes and become restless.
I REALLY WANT TO MARRY - and I know a few sisters who are very good Muslimahs ma Shaa Allah, but they are not of the same origin as me. also, there are many more sisters who will fulfil my criterias but they are not of the same origin as me. This is undoubtedly cause problems with my family. I also know many brothers who are older than me, or who run matrimonial services and they can without doubt help me find a muslimah who will meet my criteria. However, my family will object to using these avenues.
Furthermore, having seen how my cousins marriages went recently - i am depressed, deeply depressed!
one of them was HIGHLY critcised by uncles/aunties because
1) he married some one from UK
2) he married some one who who was deemed as "low caste" even though they are both from the same country of origin!!!!
his own family didnt have problems, but the "elders" and my dad had problems!!!
my parents, although ive told them i want to marry within a year; they are NOT looking for me!!!!
they want me to get their mums over here THEN look for me, which would take years
i cannot bear this and i feel like just finding a piuos muslimah and running off just to avoid this stress and burdens.
should I
1) find a wife for my self - regarldess of country of origin or ethinicity
2) marry and move out to a new house of my own
OR
3) bring both my grandmothers over to UK, wait for them to find me a wife, then go with their choice (as long as im okay with it)!
i told my parents i wanted to marry a girl who is not from my country of origin. They played the emotional card and got "upset".
I feel frutrated, depressed, and spend night browing forums looking for answerst to my problems.
this has affected my health, weight and state of mind.
please provide me with sincere advice as the Prophet (SAWS) said "Ad-deenu naseehah" (Religoin is sincere advice) .
Most importantly please make dua for our brothers and sisters in all parts of the world who are suffering what is beyond imagination.
Allahumma unsur al-ikhwaana al-mustadafeena fi kulli makaaan, wa habbib ilaihum al imaan, wa adkhilhum al jannat al firdous bi rahmatika ya rahmaan.
salaamu aliakuk